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GENTLEMAN 


FROM 


EVERYWHERE 


FOSS 


^kc 


DUKE  UNIVERSITY 


LIBRARY 


The  Glenn  Negley  Collection 
of  Utopian  Literature 


THE 

GENTLEMAN  FROM 
EVERYWHERE 

BY 

JAMES  HENRY  FOSS 


ILLUSTRATED 


SEVENTH  EDITION 

BOSTON,  U.S.  A. 
PUBLISHED  BY  THE  AUTHOR 

925  Colonial  Building 

1904 


43*7 


Copyright,  1902 
By  JAMES    HENRY  FOSS 


All  rights  reserved 


>""°% 


Stanbop:  press 

F.    H.   GUSON   COMPANY 
BOSTON,   U.S.A. 


R&R, 


TO 

MY   BELOVED,    ON   EARTH   AND   IN  HEAVEN, 

THIS  BOOK   IS 

/Ifcost  ZlffectfonatelE  Dedicated 

IN  THE  EARNEST   HOPE  THAT 
BY   ITS   PERUSAL 

Many  sailing  o'er  life's  solemn  main, 

Forlorn  and  shipwrecked  brothers,  may  take  heart  again. 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
in  2010  with  funding  from 
Duke  University  Libraries 


http://www.archive.org/details/gentlemanfromeveOOfoss 


Contents 


CHAPTER 

PAGE 

I. 

Launching  of  My  Life  Boat     . 

7 

II. 

.       13 

III. 

Near  to  Nature's  Heart   . 

.       23 

IV. 

Joya  and  Sorrows  of  School-Days     . 

.       31 

V. 

Career  of  a  Dominie-Pedagogue 

.       46 

VI. 

Dreams  of  My  Youth 

.       59 

VII. 

A  Disenchanted  Collegian-Preacher 

.       70 

VIII. 

.       78 

IX. 

Sunlight  and  Darkness  in  Palace  and  Cottage,       93 

X. 

Adventures  in  Mosquito  Land 

.     109 

XI. 

.     119 

XII. 

From  Philistine  to  Benedict  and  a  Honeymoon,     126 

XIII. 

The  Angels  of  Life  and  Death 

.     138 

XIV. 

Tribulations  of  a  Widower 

.     143 

XV. 

.     147 

XVI. 

.     149 

XVII. 

That  Eddyfying  Christian  Science 

.     157 

XVIII. 

In  the  Land  of  Flowers   . 

.     163 

XIX. 

Sunbeam,  The  Seminole 

.     175 

XX. 

A  Founder  of  Towns  and  Clubs 

.     190 

XXI. 

A  Million  Dollar  Business  with  a 

One  Dollar 

XXII. 

Pendulum  'twixt  Smiles  and  Tears 

.     205 

XXIII. 

Monarch  of  all  He  Surveyed  :    Then  Deposed,     210 

XXIV. 

Foregleams  of  Immortality 

.     228 

XXV. 

A  Practical  Socialist  and  Colonizer 

.     236 

XXVI. 

Hand  in  Hand  with  Angels    . 

.     242 

XXVII. 

Among  the  Law-Sharks  . 

.     247 

XXVIII. 

Campaigning  in  Wonderland  . 

.     252 

XXIX. 

XXX. 

Disenchanted  :     Home  Again 

.     279 

XXXI. 

The  Florida  Crackers     . 

.     289 

XXXII. 

Looking  Forward   . 

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The  Gentleman  From  Everywhere. 


CHAPTER  I. 

LAUNCHING   OF   MY   LIFE-BOAT. 

Wild  was  the  night,  yet  a  wilder  night 
Hung  around  o'er  the  mother's  pillow  ; 

In  her  bosom  there  waged  a  fiercer  fight 
Than  the  fight  on  the  wrathful  billow. 

ALREADY  there  were  more  children  than 
potatoes  in  her  hut  of  logs,  and  yet, 
another  unwelcome  guest  was  coming,  to  whom 
fate  had  ordained  that  it  would  have  been  money 
in  his  pocket  had  he  never  been  born. 

A  sympathizing  neighbor  held  over  the  suffer- 
ing woman  an  umbrella  to  shield  her  from  the 
rain  which  poured  through  the  dilapidated  roof, 
and  when  the  dreary  light  of  that  Sunday  morn- 
ing dawned,  my  frail  bark  was  launched  on  the 
stormy,  sullen  sea  of  life. 

My  father,  a  good  man,  but  a  ne'er-do-well 
financially,  had  loaned  his  best  clothes,  watch 
and  pocketbook  to  a  friend  to  enable  him  to  call 

7 


8  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

on  his  best  girl  in  captivating  style,  and  said 
friend  expressed  his  gratitude  by  eloping  with  the 
girl  and  all  the  borrowed  finery. 

That  same  night  the  boom  broke,  and  allowed 
all  the  savings  of  our  family  invested  in  logs,  cut 
by  my  father  and  his  lumbermen,  to  float  down 
the  river  and  be  lost  in  the  sea. 

Thus  storm,  flood,  calamity  and  sorrow,  far  in 
advance  heralded  the  future  of  myself,  the  fourth 
son  of  a  fourth  son  who,  on  that  Sunday,  in  the 
dog-days  of  1841,  reluctantly  came  into  this 
world. 

The  howling  of  the  wolves  in  the  surrounding 
wild-woods,  the  screaming  of  the  catamounts  in 
the  near-by  tree-tops,  the  sterile  dog-star  drying 
up  the  crops,  the  marching  of  my  father  to  fight 
in  the  threatened  Aroostook  war,  all  conspired 
for  months  before  this  fateful  night  to  awaken  a 
restlessness,  discontent,  and  gloomy  forebodings 
in  the  lonely  mother's  heart  which  prenatal  in- 
fluences impressed  upon  the  mind  of  the  baby 
yet  unborn. 

All  through  that  wretched  summer,  scorching 
drought  alternating  with  cloud-bursts  vied  with 
each  other  in  blasting  the  hopes  of  the  farmers, 
and  premature  frost  destroyed  the  few  remain- 
ing stalks  of  corn,  so  that  when  the  winter  snows 
came,  gaunt  famine  stared  our  family  fiercely  in 
the  face. 


LAUNCHING  OF  MY  LIFE- BO  AT.  9 

My  father  and  three  brothers  faced  the  with- 
ering storms  bravely,  unpacking  their  internal 
stores  of  sunshine,  as  the  camel  in  the  desert 
draws  refreshment  from  his  inner  tank  when  out- 
ward water  fails. 

"We  were  isolated  from  human  companionship, 
except  when  occasionally  the  doctor  came  on  the 
tops  of  the  fences  and  branches  of  the  pine-trees 
to  soothe  the  pains  of  my  sickly  mother.  At 
this  time  the  snow  was  so  deep  that  a  tunnel  was 
cut  to  the  neighboring  hovel  where  shivered  our 
ancient  horse  and  cow. 

My  father  and  brothers  tramped  with  snare 
and  gun  on  snow-shoes  through  the  woods,  secur- 
ing occasionally  a  partridge  or  squirrel,  and  semi- 
occasionally  a  deer,  or  pickerel  from  the  lake. 
On  one  of  these  occasions,  two  of  my  brothers 
and  the  dog  met  with  an  adventure  which  nearly 
gave  them  deliverance  from  all  earthly  sorrows. 
As  they  faced  the  terrible  cold  of  a  January 
morning,  the  wailing  of  the  winds  in  the  tree- 
tops,  and  the  few  flying  snowflakes  foreboded  a 
storm  which  burst  upon  them  in  great  fury  while 
about  two  miles  from  home.  Bewildered  and 
benumbed,  they  dug  a  hole  in  the  snow  down  to 
the  earth,  and  were  soon  buried  many  feet  deep, 
thus  affording  them  some  relief  from  the  cold ; 
but  they  nearly  famished  with  hunger  and  gave 
themselves  up  for  lost.     Suddenly,  the  dog,  who 


10  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

was  huddled  with  them  for  warmth,  jumped 
away  whining  and  scratching  in  great  excite- 
ment. He  refused  to  obey  their  orders  to  be 
still  and  die  in  peace,  but,  digging  for  some 
minutes,  his  claws  struck  a  tree,  then,  rushing 
over  the  boys  and  back  again  to  the  trees 
repeatedly,  he  roused  them  from  their  lethargy 
to  follow  him ;  but  nothing  was  visible  but  a  hole 
in  a  tree  through  which  the  dog  jumped  and 
barked  furiously. 

Cutting  the  hole  larger  with  their  axe,  they 
found  the  interior  to  be  dry  punk,  which  at  once 
suggested  the  exhilarating  thought  of  a  fire,  and 
soon  a  delightful  heat  from  the  burning  dry- 
wood  permeated  their  snow  cave,  the  smoke  being 
more  endurable  than  the  previous  cold.  All  at 
once  they  heard  a  strange  snorting  and  scratch- 
ing above  in  the  tree  with  whines  which  drove 
the  dog  wild  with  excitement,  then,  with  burn- 
ing embers  and  suffocating  smoke,  down  came  a 
huge  animal,  well-nigh  breaking  the  necks  of 
frantic  dog  and  "  rubbering  "  boys. 

After  this  came  the  tug  of  war.  Teeth,  axe, 
gun,  fire,  dog,  bear,  and  boys  all  mixed  up  in  a 
fight  to  the  finish.  Finally,  as  bruin  was  not 
fully  recovered  from  the  comatose  state  of  his 
winter  hibernating,  after  many  scratches  and 
thumps,  cuts  and  shots,  came  the  survival  of  the 
fittest. 


LAUNCHING  OF  MY  LIFE-BOAT.  11. 

Not  even  imperial  Caesar,  with  the  world  at 
his  feet,  could  have  been  prouder  than  were  boys 
and  dog  when  they  looked  at  their  prostrate  foe, 
and  reflected  that  this  conquest  meant  the  physical 
salvation  of  our  entire  family.  Soon  the  chips 
flew  from  the  tree,  and  over  a  cheerful  fire  they 
roasted  and  devoured  bear  steaks  to  repletion. 

Digging  to  the  surface,  they  found  that  the 
storm  had  subsided,  and  rigging  a  temporary 
sled  from  the  boughs  of  the  tree,  they  dragged 
home  this  "  meat  in  due  season." 

All  through  the  hours  of  the  following  night 
the  wolves,  attracted  by  the  scent  of  blood, 
howled  and  scratched  frantically  around  the  hut, 
calling  for  their  share  in  that  "  chain  of  destruc- 
tion," by  which  the  laws  of  the  universe  have 
ordained  that  all  creatures  shall  subsist.  The 
infant,  of  course,  joined  lustily  in  the  chorus 
until  the  boys  almost  wished  themselves  back  in 
their  shroud  of  snow. 

So,  with  alternate  feasting  and  fasting  we 
passed  the  long  weeks  of  that  Arctic  winter  until 
the  frogs  in  the  neighboring  swamp  crying : 
"  Knee  deep,  knee  deep,"  and  "  better  go  round, 
better  go  round,"  proclaimed  the  season  of 
freshets  when  the  vast  plain  below  us  was 
traversible  only  in  boats.  Then  the  birds  re- 
turned from  the  far  South,  but  brought  no  seed- 
time or   harvest,  for   that  was  the  ever  to  be 


12  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

remembered  "  Year  without  a  summer,"  and  but 
for  the  wild  ducks  and  geese  shot  on  the  lake, 
and  the  wary  and  uncertain  fish  caught  with  the 
hook,  all  human  lives  in  that  region  would  have 
returned  to  the  invisible  from  whence  they  came. 
It  seemed  as  if  chaos  and  dark  night  had  come 
back  to  those  wild  woods.  The  migratory  fever 
seized  upon  us  all,  and  my  parents  determined 
to  seek  some  unknown  far  away,  to  sail  to  the 
beautiful  land  of  somewhere,  for  they  felt  sure 
that  — 

Somewhere  the  sun  is  shining, 

Elsewhere  the  song-birds  dwell; 
And  they  hushed  their  sad  repining 

In  the  faith  that  somewhere  all  is  well. 

Somewhere  the  load  is  lifted 

Close  by  an  open  gate; 
Out  there  the  clouds  are  rifted, 

Somewhere  the  angels  wait. 


CHAPTER  II. 

MY   FIRST   VOYAGE. 

MY  father  and  brothers  constructed  a  "  prairie 
schooner "  from  our  scanty  belongings, 
and  one  forlorn  morning  in  early  autumn,  with 
the  skeleton  horse  and  cow  harnessed  tandem 
for  motive  power,  we  all  set  sail  for  far-off 
Massachusetts. 

We  slept  beneath  our  canopy  of  canvas  and 
blankets ;  those  of  our  number  able  to  do  so 
worked  occasionally  for  any  who  would  hire, 
but  employers  were  few,  as  this  was  one  of  the 
crazy  seasons  in  the  history  of  our  Republic 
when  the  people  voted  for  semi-free  trade,  and 
the  mill  wheels  were  nearly  all  silent  for  the 
benefit  of  the  mills  of  foreign  nations.  They 
shot  squirrels  and  partridges  when  ammunition 
could  be  obtained,  forded  rivers,  narrowly  esca- 
ping drowning  in  the  swift  currents,  and  suffered 
from  chills  and  fever. 

One  dark  night  some  gypsies  stole  our  ante- 
diluvian horse  and  cow.  The  barking  of  the 
faithful  dog  awakened  father  and  brothers  who 
rushed  to  the  rescue,  leaving  mother  half  dead 

13 


14  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

with  fear;  but  at  length  the  marauders  were 
overtaken,  shots  were  exchanged,  heads  were 
broken,  and  after  a  fierce  struggle  and  long  wan- 
dering, lost  in  the  woods,  our  fiery  steeds  were 
once  more  chained  to  our  chariot  wheels. 

The  next  day  we  came  to  a  wide  river  which 
it  was  impossible  to  ford,  but  mercy,  which  some- 
times "tempers  the  blast  to  the  shorn  lamb," 
sent  us  relief  in  the  shape  of  an  antiquated  gun- 
dalow  floating  on  the  tide.  Like  Noah  and 
family  of  old,  we  managed  to  embark  on  this 
ancient  ark,  and  paddled  to  the  further  shore. 

There  we  miraculously  escaped  the  scalping 
knife  and  tomahawk.  While  painfully  making 
our  way  through  the  primeval  forest,  we  were 
suddenly  saluted  by  the  ferocious  war-whoop, 
and  a  dozen  Indians  barred  our  way,  flourishing 
their  primitive  implements  of  warfare.  A  shot 
from  father's  double-barreled  gun  sent  them 
flying  to  cover,  our  steeds  rushed  forward  with  a 
speed  hitherto  unknown,  the  prairie  schooner 
rocked  like  a  boat  in  a  cyclone,  the  mother 
shrieked,  the  enfant  terrible  howled  like  a  bull  of 
Bashan,  and  just  as  the  "  Eed  devils  "  were  clo- 
sing in  from  the  rear,  the  mouth  of  a  cave  loomed 
up  in  the  hillside  into  which  dashed  "pegasus 
and  mooly  cow  "  pell-mell. 

Our  red  admirers  halted  almost  at  the  muzzle 
of  the  gun  and  the  blades  of  my  brothers'  axes. 


MY  FIEST  VOYAGE.  15 

Luckily  the  Indians  had  neither  firearms  nor 
bows  and  arrows.  They  made  rushes  occasion- 
ally, but  the  shotgun  wounded  several,  the  axes 
intimidated,  and  they  seemed  about  to  settle 
down  to  a  siege  when,  with  a  tremendous  shout- 
ing and  singing  of  "  Tippecanoe  and  Tyler  too," 
a  band  of  picturesquely  arrayed  white  men  came 
marching  along  the  trail.  The  enemy  took  to 
their  heels,  and  we  learned  that  our  rescuers 
had  been  to  a  William  Henry  Harrison  parade 
and  barbecue,  for  this  was  the  time  of  the  famous 
"  hard  cider  "  campaign. 

The  Indians  had  been  there  too  and,  filling  up 
with  "fire  water,"  their  former  war-path  pro- 
clivities had  returned  to  their  "  empty,  swept, 
and  garnished  "  minds,  to  the  extent  that  they 
yearned  to  decorate  their  belts  with  our  scalps. 

Our  preservers  scattered  to  their  homes,  and 
the  would-be  scalpers  were  seen  no  more,  leaving 
the  world  to  darkness  and  to  us  in  the  woods. 
The  woods,  where  Adam  and  Eve  lived  and 
loved,  where  Pan  piped,  and  Satyrs  danced,  the 
opera  house  of  birds ;  the  woods,  green,  impara- 
disaical,  mystic,  tranquillizing — to  the  poet  per- 
haps when  all  is  well — but  to  us,  they  seemed 
haunted  by  spirits  of  evil,  the  yells  of  the  demons 
seemed  to  echo  and  reecho ;  but  an  indefinable 
something  seemed  to  sympathize  with  the  infinite 
pathos  of  our  lives,  and  at  last  sleep,  "  the  brother 


16  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

of  death,"  folded  us  in  his  arms,  and  the  curtain 
fell. 

"  There  is  a  place  called  Pillow-land, 
Where  gales  can  never  sweep 
Across  the  pebbles  on  the  strand 
That  girds  the  Sea  of  Sleep. 

'Tis  here  where  grief  lets  loose  the  rein, 

And  age  forgets  to  weep, 
For  all  are  children  once  again, 

Who  cross  the  Sea  of  Sleep. 

The  gates  are  ope'd  at  daylight  close, 

When  weary  ones  may  creep, 
Lulled  in  the  arms  of  sweet  repose, 

Across  the  Sea  of  Sleep. 

Oh  weary  heart,  and  toil-worn  hand, 

At  eve  comes  rest  to  thee, 
When  ply  the  boats  to  Pillow-land, 

Across  the  Sleepy  sea. 

Thank  God  for  this  sweet  Pillow-land, 

Where  weary  ones  may  creep, 
And  breathe  the  perfume  on  the  strand 

That  girds  the  Sea  of  Sleep." 

It  is  pleasant  in  this  sunset  of  life,  to  recall  the 
testimony  of  my  brothers  that  through  all  those 
troublous  scenes,  father  and  mother  were  soothed 
and  consoled  by  an  unfaltering  faith  in  the  ulti- 
mate triumph  of  the  good  and  true,  that  their 
faces  were  often  illumined  as  they  repeated  to 


MY  FIRST  VOYAGE.  17 

each  other  those  priceless  words  of  the  sweet 
singer, 

"  Drifting  over  a  sunless  sea,  cold  dreary  mists  encircling  me, 
Toiling  over  a  dusty  road  with  foes  within  and  foes  abroad, 
"Weary,  I  cast  my  soul  on  Thee,  mighty  to  save  even  me, 
Jesus  Thou  Son  of  God." 

At  last  the  "  perils  by  land  and  perils  by  sea, 
and  perils  from  false  brethren,"  this  long,  long 
journey  ended  and  we  reached  the  promised  land. 
We  halted  in  old  Byfield,  in  the  state  of  Massa- 
chusetts, with  worldly  goods  consisting  of  a 
bushel  of  barberries,  threadbare  toilets,  and  the 
ancient  equipage  dilapidated  as  aforesaid. 

After  much  tribulation,  father  took  a  farm 
"  on  shares,"  which  was  found  to  result  in  end- 
less toil  to  us,  and  the  lion's  share  of  the  crops 
going  to  the  owners,  who  toiled  not,  neither  did 
they  spin,  but  reaped  with  gusto  where  we  had 
sown. 

After  a  few  years  of  this  profitless  drudgery, 
my  father  bought  an  old  run-down  farm  with 
dilapidated   buildings  in  the  neighboring  town 

of  B, ,  mortgaging  all,  and  our  souls  and 

bodies  besides,  for  its  payment.  We  hoped  we 
had  rounded  the  cape  of  storms  which  sooner  or 
later  looms  up  before  every  ship  which  sails  the 
sea  of  life,  for  we  had  fully  realized  the  truth  of 
the  poem  — 


18  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

We  may  steer  our  boats  by  the  compass, 

Or  may  follow  the  northern  star  ; 
We  may  carry  a  chart  on  shipboard 

As  we  sail  o'er  the  seas  afar  ; 
But,  whether  by  star  or  by  compass 

We  may  guide  our  boats  on  our  way, 
The  grim  cape  of  storms  is  before  us, 

And  we'll  see  it  ahead  some  day. 

How  the  prow  may  point  is  no  matter, 

Nor  of  what  the  cargo  may  be, 
If  we  sail  on  the  northern  ocean, 

Or  away  on  the  southern  sea ; 
It  matters  not  who  is  the  pilot, 

To  what  guidance  our  course  conforms  ; 
No  vessel  sails  o'er  the  sea  of  life 

But  must  pass  the  cape  of  storms. 

Sometimes  we  can  first  sight  the  headland 

On  the  distant  horizon's  rim  ; 
We  enter  the  dangerous  waters 

With  our  vessels  taut  and  trim  ; 
But  often  the  cape  in  its  grimness 

Will  before  us  suddenly  rise, 
Because  of  the  clouds  that  have  hid  it 

Or  the  blinding  sun  in  our  eyes. 

Our  souls  will  be  caught  in  the  waters 

That  are  hurled  at  the  storm  cape's  face  ; 
Our  pleasures  and  joys,  our  hopes  and  fears, 

Will  join  in  the  maddening  race. 
Our  prayers,  desires,  our  penitent  griefs, 

Our  longings  and  passionate  pain, 
Be  dashed  to  spray  on  the  stormy  cape 

And  fly  in  our  faces  like  rain. 


MY  FIRST  VOYAGE. 


19 


But  there's  always  hope  for  the  sailor, 

There  is  ever  a  passage  through  ; 
No  life  goes  down  at  the  cape  of  storms, 

If  the  life  and  the  heart  be  true. 
If  in  purpose  the  soul  is  steadfast, 

If  faithful  in  mind  and  in  will, 
The  boat  will  glide  to  the  other  side, 

Where  the  ocea/a  of  life  is  stilL 


"It  was  a  Fair  Scene  of  Tranquillity." 


/#207 


CHAPTER  III. 

NEAR  TO   NATURE'S   HEART. 

IT  seems  but  yesterday,  although  more  than  a 
half  century  ago,  that  I,  a  puny  boy,  stood 
on  the  hilltop  and  looked  for  the  first  time  upon 
this,  the  earliest  home  of  which  I  have  any  vivid 
recollection.  It  was  a  fair  scene  of  rustic  tran- 
quillity, where  a  contented  mind  might  delight  to 
spend  a  lifetime  mid  hum  of  bees  and  low  of  kine. 

Along  the  eastern  horizon's  rim  loomed  the 
blue  sea  beyond  the  sandy  dunes  of  old  Plum 
Island ;  the  lazy  river  born  in  babbling  brooks 
and  bubbling  springs  flowing  languidly  mid 
wooded  islands,  and  picturesque  stacks  of  salt 
hay,  representing  the  arduous  toil  of  farmers  and 
dry-as-dust  fodder  for  reluctant  cows.  Nearer, 
the  two  church  spires  of  the  little  village,  stri- 
ving to  lift  the  sordid  minds  of  the  natives  from 
earthly  clods  to  the  clouds,  and  where  beckoning 
hands  strove  vainly  to  inspire  them  with  heavenly 
hopes ;  around  them,  glistening  in  the  sunlight, 
the  marble  slabs  where  sleep  the  rude  forefathers 
of  the  hamlet,  some  mute  inglorious  Miltons  who 

23 


24  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

came  from  England  in  the  early  sixties,  whose 
tombstones  are  pierced  by  rifle  bullets  fired  at 
the  maraudering  red  skins.  These  are  the  cities 
of  the  dead,  far  more  populous  than  the  town  of 
the  living. 

Nearer,  the  willowy  brook  that  turns  the  mill ; 
to  the  south  the  dense  pine  woods,  peopled  in 
our  imaginations,  with  fairy  elves,  owls,  and  hob- 
goblins— now,  alas,  owing  to  the  rapacity  of  the 
sawmills,  naught  but  a  howling  wilderness  of 
stumps  and  underbrush. 

Directly  below  me,  stands  our  half-century  old 
house  with  its  eaves  sloping  to  the  ground,  down 
which  generations  of  boys  had  ruined  their  pants 
in  hilarious  coasting ;  near  by,  the  ancient  well- 
swipe,  and  the  old  oaken  bucket  which  rose  from 
the  well ;  beyond  this,  of  course,  as  usual,  the 
piggery  and  hennery  to  contaminate  the  water 
and  breed  typhoid  fever,  and  in  the  house  cellar, 
the  usual  dampness  from  the  hillside  to  supply 
us  all  Avith  rheumatism  and  chills. 

There  existed  apparently  in  the  early  dawn  of 
the  nineteenth  century,  an  unwritten  law  which 
required  the  farmers  to  violate  all  the  laws  of 
sanitation,  and  then  to  ascribe  all  ills  the  flesh  is 
heir  to,  to  the  mysterious  will  of  an  inscrutable 
Providence  whose  desire  it  was  to  make  the  heart 
better  by  the  sorrows  of  the  countenance,  and  to 
save  the  soul  from  hell  by  the  punishment  of  the 


NEAR  TO  NATURE'S  HEART.  25 

body.  Vegetables  were  allowed  to  rot  in  the 
cellars,  and  to  make  everybody  sick  with  their 
noxious  odors  so  that  we  might  not  be  too  much 
wedded  to  this  transitory  existence.  Pork, 
beans,  and  cabbage  must  be  devoured  in  enor- 
mous quantities  just  before  going  to  bed  for  the 
purpose  of  inspiring  midnight  groans  and  prayers 
to  be  delivered  from  the  pangs  of  the  civil  war 
in  the  inner  man. 

This  moralizing  is  inspired  by  the  pessimism  of 
disenchanted  age  ;  but  on  that  beautiful  morning 
of  the  long  ago,  naught  occurred  to  me  save  the 
wedlock  of  earth  and  heaven:  I  was  near  to 
nature's  heart,  listening  to  the  ecstatic  songs  of 
the  robins,  the  orioles  and  sweetest  of  all  the 
bobolink. 

"Oh,  winged  rapture,  feathered  soul  of  spring: 
Blithe  voice  of  woods,  fields,  waters,  all  in  one, 
Pipe  blown  through  by  the  warm,  mild  breath  of  June, 
Shepherding  her  white  flocks  of  woolly  clouds, 
The  bobolink  has  come,  and  climbs  the  wind 
With  rippling  wings  that  quiver  not  for  flight 
But  only  joy,  or  yielding  to  its  will 
Runs  down,  a  brook  of  laughter  through  the  air." 

After  the  charm  of  the  novelty  of  the  scene 
had  vanished,  I  descended  from  my  perch  to  ex- 
plore this  sleepy  hollow :  the  barn  door  hung 
suspended  on  a  single  hinge,  like  a  bird  with  but 
one  unbroken  wing  to  soar  upon.     The  swallows 


26  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

twittered  their  love-songs  under  the  eaves ;  chip- 
munks scolded  my  intrusion  and  threw  nuts  at 
my  head  from  the  beams ;  a  lone,  lorn  hen  pro- 
claimed her  triumph  over  a  new  laid  egg,  and 
then,  with  fiery  eyes,  assaulted  me  with  profanity 
as  I  filled  my  hat  with  her  choicest  treasures. 
A  litter  of  pigs  scampered  away,  wedging  them- 
selves into  a  hole  in  the  wall,  and  hung  there 
kicking  and  squealing,  while  their  indignant 
mother  chased  me  up  a  ladder  where  she  hurled 
at  me  the  vilest  imprecations ;  a  solitary  Phoebe 
bird  wailed  out  her  plaintive  "  pee  wee,  pee  wee, 
pee  whi  itt,"  and  a  newly-married  pair  of  sandpi- 
pers chanted  their  song  of  the  sea  on  the  edge 
of  a  mud  puddle  in  the  yard. 

At  last  the  infuriated  sow  went  to  liberate  her 
wedged-in  offspring,  leaving  me  to  flee  to  the 
house  where  I  cooked  my  eggs  and  some  ancient 
potatoes  in  the  ashes  of  a  fire  smoldering  in  the 
wide  old  fireplace.  I  have  since  eaten  royal  din- 
ners in  palatial  hotels,  but  nothing  has  ever  tasted 
half  as  good  as  this  extemporized  lunch  of  my 
boyhood. 

Here  the  rest  of  the  family  found  me  later 
when  they  came  bringing  their  household  goods  ; 
here  I  might  have  laid,  broad  and  deep,  the 
foundations  of  a  useful  life,  had  I  possessed  even 
a  modicum  of  the  stick-to-itiveness  so  essential 
to  success. 


NEAR  TO  NATURE'S  HEART.  27 

A  limited  amount  of  discontent  is  a  powerful 
stimulus  to  more  strenuous  endeavor  ;  but  when 
you  have  intensity  without  continuity  of  mental 
action,  beware  of  imitating  my  example  of  pro- 
gressing along  the  lines  of  the  least  resistance ; 
for  if  you  do  you  will  never  attain  to  that  per- 
sistency of  effort  which  can  come  only  from  over- 
coming obstacles. 

"When  my  father  gave  me  a  moderate  task  of 
weeding  onions,  I  soon  became  tired  of  crawling 
on  hands  and  knees  under  a  scorching  sun,  inun- 
dating the  earth  with  perspiration  and  tears,  so  I 
substituted  a  hoe  for  fingers,  tearing  up  onions 
with  the  weeds  that  I  might  the  sooner  secure 
unlimited  rheumatism  by  bathing  in  the  brook. 
Had  my  father  given  me  what  he  earnestly  de- 
sired, and  what  I  richly  deserved, — a  sound 
spanking,  and  more  weeding  to  do, — I  might 
have  developed  much  needed  perseverance,  but 
spanking  was  never  allowed  by  my  fond  mother, 
and  I  became  a  shirk. 

I  was  set  to  picking  berries  to  replenish  the 
family  larder  ;  but  this  soon  became  monotonous, 
and  I  appropriated  the  old  grain-sieve,  placing  it 
beside  the  bushes,  and  pounding  the  huckleberries 
into  it  with  a  stick ;  the  result  was  a  heteroge- 
neous conglomeration  of  worms,  leaves,  bugs,  and 
crushed  berries ;  but  I  succeeded  in  eliminating 
the   refuse  by  throwing  the  whole  mass  into  a 


28  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

tub  of  water,  and  skimming  off  the  risings.  I 
would  then  descant  to  buyers  upon  the  freshness 
of  the  berries  wet  with  the  dews  of  heaven,  but 
my  ruse  was  soon  discovered,  and  people  refused 
to  purchase  such  mucilaginous  pulp. 

Our  widowed  hired  woman  was  possessed  of  a 
baby,  and  I  was  assigned  the  task  of  rocking  the 
cradle ;  but  I  soon  sighed  for  the  apple  blossoms 
and  songs  of  birds, — we  had  no  English  sparrows 
then — so  I  drove  a  nail  into  the  cradle,  tied  to  it 
the  clothes-line,  and  went  out  of  doors  and  be- 
gan pulling  at  the  cord.  Soon  agonizing  screams 
were  heard,  and  baby  was  found  on  the  floor 
with  the  cradle  pounding  on  top  of  him. 

I  was  sent  to  drive  home  the  cows  from  pas- 
ture, but  left  the  task  to  the  dog,  who  chased 
them  over  the  wall  into  the  corn-field  where  they 
devastated  the  crop,  and  ruined  the  milk  by  de- 
vouring green  apples,  while  I,  skylarking  in  a 
neighbor's  pasture,  was  treed  by  an  angry  bull, 
who  kept  me  in  the  branches  until  I  caught  a 
violent  cold  and  became  for  weeks  a  family 
burden. 

I  was  set  to  milking  the  cows,  but  I  tied  their 
tails  to  the  beams,  applied  a  lemon-squeezer  to 
their  udders  until  everybody  was  aroused  by  the 
bellowings  of  the  infuriated  beasts,  and  the  milk 
and  myself  were  found  carpeting  the  dirty 
floor. 


NEAR  TO  NATURE'S  HEART.  29 

At  last  all  patience  was  exhausted,  and  as  I 
was  born  on  Sunday,  and  was  good  for  nothing 
else,  my  parents,  good,  pious  church-members, 
concluded  I  must  become  a  minister,  conse- 
quently they  sent  me  to  school.  School !  What 
memories  come  back  to  us  over  the  arid  wastes 
of  life  at  the  very  mention  of  this  magic  word ! 
There  is  the  place  where  immortal  minds  are 
filled  with  loathing  at  the  very  sight  of  books, 
or  where  the  torch  of  learning  is  kindled,  which 
burns  on  with  ever-increasing  brightness  forever 
more,  and  when  I  think  of  some  of  the  teachers 
of  my  youth  I  am  reminded  of  what  the  wise 
pastor  said  to  a  "  stupid  lunk-head "  who  had 
conceived  the  preposterous  idea  that  he  was 
called  to  be  a  preacher.  "  What,  you  be  a 
minister  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  said  the  dunce,  "  are  we  not  com- 
manded in  the  holy  book  to  preach  the  gospel  to 
every  critter  ?  " 

"  Verily,"  was  the  reply  ;  "  but  every  critter  is 
not  commanded  to  preach  the  gospel." 

So  long  as  percentages  obtained  after  "  cram- 
ming "  for  examinations  are  the  criterions  which 
decide  the  accepting  or  rejecting  of  candidates 
for  teaching  positions,  we  must  expect  "  critters  " 
for  the  school  guides  of  our  children,  who,  like 
some  of  my  own  tutors,  will 


30 


THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 


"  Ram  it  in,  cram  it  in  — 
Children's  heads  are  hollow  ; 
Rap  it  in,  tap  it  in  — 
Bang  it  in,  slam  it  in 
Ancient  archaeology, 
Aryan  philology, 
Prosody,  zoology, 
Physics,  climatology, 
Calculus  and  mathematics, 
Rhetoric  and  hydrostatics. 

Stuff  the  school  children,  fill  up  the  heads  of  them, 
Send  them  all  lesson-full  home  to  the  beds  of  them  ; 
When  they  are  through  with  the  labor  and  show  of  it, 
What  do  they  care  for  it,  what  do  they  know  of  it  ?  " 


/  X 


CHAPTER  IV. 

JOYS  AND  SORROWS  OF  SCHOOL-DAYS. 

IT  was  the  custom  in  R ,  and  is  now  to 
quite  an  extent  elsewhere,  to  elect  as  school 
committee  those  especially  noted  for  their  igno- 
rance and  unfitness  for  the  duties,  perhaps  to 
keep  them  out  of  the  almshouse,  or  to  educate 
them  by  the  absorption  process  while  hearing 
pupils  recite.  These  men  were  paid  two  dollars 
for  each  call  they  made  at  schools,  consequently 
they  "  called  "  early  and  often,  especially  when 
the  school  ma'ams  were  young  and  pretty. 

Here,  as  elsewhere,  there  was  always  a  great 
fight  at  town-meetings  for  these  school  board 
positions,  especially  when  the  school-book  agents 
became  numerous,  for  these  committees  could 
secure  from  said  agents  unlimited  free  books,  and 
get  high  prices  for  all  their  spavined  horses, 
dried  up  cows,  and  sick  pigs  in  return  for  voting 
for  rival  text-books. 

As  the  committees  were  often  unequal  to  the 
task  of  making  out  a  course  of  study,  pupils 
selected  what  studies  they  pleased,  as  suicidal  a 

31 


32  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

policy  as  it  would  be  if,  when  you  were  sick  and 
went  to  the  physician  for  relief,  he  should  point 
to  a  lot  of  different  medicines,  and  tell  you  to 
pay  your  money,  and  take  your  choice. 

As  there  was  a  cramming  machine  close  by 
called  an  academy,  whose  sole  object  was  to 
push  students  into  Harvard  College,  of  course 
the  common  schools  must  be  "crammers"  for 
the  academy,  and  the  result  was,  that  we  had  no 
educational  institutions  whatever,  and  mental 
dyspepsia  was  well-nigh  universal,  a  smattering 
of  everything,  a  knoAvledge  of  nothing.  As  well 
might  we  pour  food  into  the  mouth  by  the  peck, 
pound  it  down  with  a  ramrod,  and  expect  health- 
ful physical  growth. 

Hundreds  of  poor  parents  are  working  them- 
selves to  death  to  send  their  children  to  such 
schools  with  a  view  to  elevating  them  to  "  higher 
positions "  than  they  themselves  occupy,  and 
soon  we  will  have  none  to  do  the  honest  physical 
labor  of  life,  but  the  world  will  be  full  of  kid- 
gloved  hangers  on  for  soft  jobs,  who  regard 
working  with  the  hands  to  be  a  disgrace. 

Well  do  I  remember  going  to  a  neighbor, 
whose  farm  was  mortgaged  for  all  it  was  worth 
to  buy  finery  and  pay  tuition  bills  in  said 
academy,  and  begging  for  the  services  of  the 
daughter  to   help  my  sick  mother.     I  was  re- 


JOYS  AND  SORROWS  OF  SCHOOL-DAYS.  33 

fused  with  insult  and  scorn.  "  Do  you  think," 
shrieked  the  irate  virago,  "  that  I  will  allow  my 
daughter  who  is  studying  French,  Latin,  Greek, 
and  German  to  wash  your  dirty  dishes  ?  "  I 
was  driven  from  the  house  at  the  point  of  the 
boot.  That  daughter  is  to-day  shaking  and 
twitching  with  St.  Vitus's  dance,  a  physical  and 
mental  wreck  from  overstudy,  causing  nervous 
exhaustion  and  despair. 

Hundreds  of  girls  throughout  our  country  who 
might  have  been  good  housekeepers,  are  to-day 
useless  invalids,  made  so  by  what  is  called 
"higher  education."  Hundreds  of  boys,  who 
might  have  become  successful  farmers  and  me- 
chanics, are  now  dissipating  in  beer  shops  while 
waiting  in  vain  for  lily-fingered  positions  as 
bookkeepers  or  teachers.  In  scores  of  New 
England  towns,  one  man,  employed  to  fill  the 
heads  of  a  reluctant  few  with  the  dead  languages, 
receives  more  salary  than  all  the  other  teachers 
combined. 

It  seems  to  require  a  surgical  operation  to  get 
the  fact  through  our  thick  heads,  that  our  school 
system  demands  radical  reform  from  top  to  bot- 
tom to  the  end  that  hands  as  well  as  heads  may 
receive  technical  bread-and-butter,  practical  edu- 
cation. 

I  was  a  victim  of  this  elective-study  craze,  and 
with  the  usual  stupidity  displayed  by  a  child 


34  THE  GENTLEMAN  ER03I  EVERYWHERE. 

when  left  to  decide  what  he  shall  do,  I  chose 
Latin  as  my  principal  study  in  this  common  dis- 
trict school,  because  I  fancied  it  smacked  of  eru- 
dition. 

The  teacher,  knowing  no  more  than  myself  of 
the  language,  set  me  to  committing  to  memory 
the  whole  of  Andrews'  Latin  Grammar.  I  gained 
the  important  information  that  "  sto,  Jldo,  con- 
Jldo,  assuescO)  and  preditus  "  govern  the  ablative, 
and  other  valuable  lore ;  but  when  I  asked  the 
teacher  where  the  Latin  vernacular  came  in,  she 
replied  that  that  would  come  to  me  later — that  I 
must  "  open  my  mouth  and  shut  my  eyes  while 
she  gave  me  something  to  make  me  wise."  A 
solemn  awe  not  unmixed  with  envy  pervaded  the 
schoolroom  as  I,  parrot-like,  rattled  off  this 
valueless  jargon  of  a  people  dead  for  hundreds  of 
years. 

As  this  study  possessed  no  interest  for  me,  I 
naturally  dropped  into  mischief,  and  being  caught 
one  day  with  a  distorted  picture  of  the  teacher 
on  my  slate  with  the  following  suggestive  poem 
lines  beneath  it : — "  Savage  by  name  and  savage 
by  nature,  I  hope  the  Lord  will  take  your  breath 
before  you  lick  us  all  to  death," — I  was  chased 
about  the  room  by  the  angry  pedagoguess  until  I 
leaped  through  the  back  window,  and  the  hole 
made  in  the  bank  by  my  head  is  pointed  out  to 
this  day  as  a  warning  to  recalcitrant  pupils. 


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"  Floating  'Neath  the  Trees  of  Mill  River." 


JOYS  AND  SORROWS  OF  SCHOOL-DAYS.  37 

I  refused  to  return  to  this  temple  of  wisdom, 
nd  digging  a  hole  into  the  haymow,  secreted 
myself  therein,  pulling  the  hole  in  after  me. 
Here  I  would  remain  during  school  hours,  watch- 
ing through  a  crevice  cut  in  the  side  of  the  barn, 
my  father  who  made  the  air  resound  with  threats 
of  what  he  would  do  if  I  did  not  at  once  return 
to  my  education  mill.  Here  I  was  often  joined 
by  a  congenial  spirit,  and  we  played  cards  which 
were  regarded  as  the  emissaries  of  Satan  by  my 
religious  parents  ;  then  we  would  sally  forth  with 
masked  faces  and  wooden  guns,  and  inspired  by 
dime  novels,  overthrow  the  walls  of  children's 
playhouses,  throw  rocks  against  the  schoolhouse, 
bully  the  small  boys  almost  into  fits,  hook  the 
neighbors'  eggs,  corn,  melons  and  apples,  which 
we  devoured  at  leisure  in  a  hidden  hut  in  the 
woods. 

When  the  spirit  moved,  we  would  "  swipe  "  a 
neighbor's  skiff  and  go  floating  and  paddling  be- 
neath the  overarching  trees  of  Mill  River,  lazily 
watching  the  muskrats  sliding  down  the  banks 
and  sporting  in  the  water  or  building  their  huts 
of  mud,  sticks  and  leaves ;  the  fish-hawk,  plun- 
ging beneath  the  surface  and  emerging  with  a 
struggling  victim  in  his  talons  which  he  bore 
away  to  a  tree-top  to  tear  and  eat ;  then  a  timid 
wood  duck  casting  suspicious  glances  as  it  glided 
across   a   cove,    secreting   her   little  ones  in  the 


38  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

swamp ;  then  a  crane  standing  on  one  long  leg 
motionless  as  a  statue,  watching  with  half -closed 
eyes  for  a  mud-eel  for  its  dinner. 

Then  we  would  imitate  those  animal  murderers, 
by  catching  some  fish  which  we  broiled  to  satisfy 
our  carnivorous  appetites.  It  was  delightful  to 
float  in  that  tiny  boat,  gazing  through  the  green 
canopy  of  leaves  at  the  great  white  clouds  sailing 
over  like  ships  upon  the  sea,  listening  to  the 
ecstatic  trilling  of  the  orioles,  and  the  flute-like 
melodies  of  the  mocking-bird  of  the  north. 

We  would  watch  the  delicate  traceries  of  the 
water  gardens  through  which  the  mild-eyed 
stickle-backs  sailed  serenely,  having  implicit  con- 
fidence in  the  protection  of  their  sharp  spinacles, 
presenting  to  all  enemies  an  impervious  array  of 
bayonets ;  the  shark-like  pickerel  endeavoring  to 
swallow  every  living  thing ;  the  lazy  barvel, 
everlastingly  sucking  his  sustenance  from  the 
animalculae  around  him ;  the  turtles,  snapping  at 
everything  in  sight  with  impunity  relying  upon 
the  impregnable  defense  of  their  coats-of-mail. 

On  one  of  these  occasions  we  were  aroused 
from  our  Arcadian  dream  by  a  frightful  roar, 
and  the  destruction  of  all  things  seemed  at  hand. 
A  young  cyclone  had  struck  the  fire  over  which 
we  had  cooked  our  fish,  fanning  it  into  a  furious 
conflagration.  We  climbed  a  tall  oak,  and  soon, 
as  far  as  the  eye  could  reach,  all  the  hills  and 


JOYS  AND  SORROWS  OF  SCHOOL-DAYS.  39 

woodlands  seemed  wrapped  in  flames.  Frantic 
farmers  were  seen  flagellating  the  excited  oxen 
and  horses,  who,  with  tails  in  air,  were  drag- 
ging the  ploughs,  making  furrows  around  the 
houses  and  barns,  which  were  nearly  all  located 
in  pastures  rendered  dry  as  tinder  by  that  extra- 
ordinary summer's  heat. 

The  cause  of  this  disturbance  was  traced  to  us, 
and  we  barely  escaped  coats  of  tar  and  feathers 
at  the  hands  of  the  infuriated  neighbors,  by  the 
pleadings  of  our  ever-loving  mothers  who  prom- 
ised we  should  go  every  day  to  the  academy  and 
sin  no  more. 

We  were  thoroughly  sobered  by  our  dangers, 
and  commenced  our  careers  at  this  ancient  insti- 
tution founded  by  the  first  Lieutenant-Governor 
of  Massachusetts.  Here  reigned  supreme  a  fiery 
autocrat,  a  fervent  admirer  of  Greek  and  Latin, 
a  cordial  hater  of  mathematics — my  weakest 
point — a  D.D.,  LL.D.,  who  was  determined  to 
drive  everybody  into  college.  He  had  heard  of 
my  escapades,  and  was  fully  prepared  to  lay  upon 
my  devoted  head  all  the  pranks  of  a  restless  fun- 
loving  crowd  of  students. 

On  the  first  day  of  my  initiation,  while  the 
professor  was  invoking  the  Divine  blessing,  the 
sight  of  a  big  dinner  pail  belonging  to  the  fat 
boy  in  front  of  me,  proved  too  much  of  a  tempta- 
tion, and  I  hurled  it  down  the  aisle,  scattering 


40         THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

pork,  pickles,  doughnuts,  and  so  forth  in  its  wake, 
and  ending  with  a  loud  bang  against  the  plat- 
form. Of  course  I  was  the  suspect,  and  cutting 
off  prayer  abruptly,  down  he  rushed,  and  banged 
my  head  till  I  saw  more  stars  than  ever  shone  in 
heaven. 

My  academy  "  alma  mater  "  has  graduated  but 
few  who  have  — 

"  Climbed  fame's  ladder  so  high 
From  the  round  at  the  top  they  have  stepped  to  the  sky, " 

and  it  is  sad  to  recall  that  many  of  the  most 
gifted,  acquired  in  college  secret  societies  the 
alcohol  habit,  and  now  sleep  in  drunkards'  graves. 

Brilliant  Charlie,  my  chum,  who  mastered 
languages  and  sciences  as  easy  as  "  rolling  off  a 
log."  I  saw  him  last  summer,  a  wreck — wine 
and  bad  women  did  it.  The  idolized  son  of 
pious  parents,  whose  youth  was  surrounded  at 
home  with  the  halo  of  Bible  and  prayer ;  but  like 
Esau,  he  "sold  his  birthright  for  a  mess  of 
pottage"  and  afterwards  "  found  no  space  for  re- 
pentance, though  he  sought  it  earnestly  and  with 
many  tears." 

It  seems  but  yesterday  that  he  and  I  were  en- 
joying a  game  of  "  pickknife,"  lacerating  the  top 
of  a  new  desk,  when  in  rushed  the  "  D.  D."  with 
his  feet  encased  in  the  thinnest  of  slippers  and 
with  which  he  gave  me  a  kick  which  broke  his 


JOYS  AND  SORROWS  OF  SCHOOL-DAYS.  41 

toe,  then  clasping  it  in  his  hand,  danced  on  one 
leg,  whooping  unconsciously  cuss  word  ejacula- 
tions till  we  shrieked  with  laughter ;  then  he 
bumped  our  heads  together  until  my  big  brother 
shook  the  dominie-pedagogue  as  a  dog  would  a 
rat,  and  threatened  that  if  he  ever  struck  my 
head  again  he  would  drown  him  in  the  horse- 
pond. 

Dear,  good  brother,  he  always  was,  and  is  now 
my  guardian  angel,  although  now  he  comes  from 
heaven  to  shield  me,  for  I  am  the  last  on  earth 
of  my  father's  family. 

Alas,  how  many  of  those  academy  classmates, 
each  of  whom  was  then  the  soul  of  honor  and 
the  heart  of  truth,  drowned  their  intellects  in  the 
flowing  bowl.  JEheu,  Eheu,fugaces  anni  labun- 
tur !  But  surely  it  was  only  this  morning  oh, 
beautiful,  star-eyed  Harry,  that  you  and  I, 
wearied  with  the  frantic  vain  attempts  of  the  un- 
mathematical  professor  to  elucidate  by  appalling 
triangles  and  hieroglyphics  on  the  blackboard  the 
perplexities  of  cube  root,  ousted  each  other  from 
the  seat,  sprawling  upon  the  floor,  and  were 
chased  by  the  LL.  D.  out  of  doors,  never  to  re- 
turn until  we  apologized  and  promised  "  to  do  so 
no  more." 

Although  I  had  been  as  "prone  to  mischief" 
as  the  sparks  to  fly  upward — ringing  the  academy 
bell  at  midnight  by  means  of  a  string  tied  to  the 


42         THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

tongue,  bringing  the  professor  in  his  night  shirt 
from  his  bed  to  chase  me,  covering  his  chimney 
with  a  board  till  he  was  well-nigh  suffocated 
with  smoke,  hitching  his  horse  to  a  boat  in  Mill 
River,  pillaging  his  coop  and  scattering  his  hens 
to  the  four  winds  of  heaven,  crawling  under  his 
bed  at  night  and  nearly  frightening  him  to  death 
with  unearthly  groans,  catching  him  by  the  legs 
as  he  jumped  out  and  leaving  him  kicking  on  the 
floor  as  I  leaped  through  the  window  amid  ap- 
plauding students — I  was  appointed  assistant 
teacher  at  the  beginning  of  my  senior  year. 

Then  at  once  great  dignity  was  assumed  by 
me  which,  being  resented  by  my  former  cronies, 
I  secured  order  by  licking  them  at  recess  one  by 
one,  though  I  suffered  from  many  "  nasal  hem- 
orrhages "  while  engaged  in  fistic  rough  and 
tumbles  to  assert  my  authority ;  I  conquered,  but 
secured  many  black  eyes  and  bedewed  the  campus 
with  much  "claret"  for  the  good  of  the  order. 

At  length  we  were  declared  sufficiently 
crammed  to  enter  college,  and  on  graduation  day 
I  discoursed  in  stentorian  tones  upon  "  True 
Heroism,"  amid  the  applause  of  the  fair  sex,  and 
convulsed  the  audience  with  laughter  by  pranc- 
ing, in  my  enthusiastic  eloquence,  upon  the  sore 
toe  of  one  of  the  reverend  trustees  on  the  stage 
who  fairly  yelled  with  pain :  "  Sic  transit  gloria 
mundi" 


JOYS  AND  SORROWS  OF  SCHOOL-DATS.  43 

Among  the  sins  of  my  youth,  which  I  confess 
with  "  shame  and  confusion  of  face  "  were  the 
pranks  played  by  me  and  some  fellow-sinners 
upon  our  nearest  neighbors.  These  worthies 
consisted  of  an  old  man  and  what  appeared  to 
be  his  much  older  daughter,  the  two  most  un- 
accountable cranks  that  dame  nature  ever  pre- 
sented to  my  notice. 

The  father  was  possessed  of  the  insane  halluci- 
nation that  he  was  the  greatest  poet  that  ever 
lived.  Often  I  have  seen  him  drop  his  hoe  in  the 
potato  field,  and  run  for  the  house  so  that  you 
could  hardly  see  his  heels  for  dust,  looking  for 
all  the  world  like  an  animated  pair  of  tongs.  As 
he  expressed  it,  "  an  idee  had  struck  him,"  and 
all  mankind  would  die  of  intellectual  starvation 
unless  he  at  once  embodied  said  "  idee  "  in  a 
poem. 

His  greatest  delight  was  to  gather  about  him 
of  an  evening  a  crowd  of  young  folks  and  read 
to  us  his  preposterous  "  lines."  On  such  occa- 
sions, some  of  us  would  quietly  steal  away  up 
into  his  garret,  and  roll  down  over  the  stairs, 
with  a  thunderous  uproar,  a  huge  gilded  ball 
which  had  decorated  a  post  outside  a  tavern 
where  he  formerly  dispensed  much  "  fire  water," 
to  the  impoverishment  of  his  customers  and  to 
the  enrichment  of  himself. 

Then    our  host,  with  much  profanity,  would 


44  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

rush  to  the  rescue  armed  with  an  ancient  bayonet 
and  a  fish  trumpet  which,  like  the  bugle-horn  of 
Roderic  Dhu,  summoned  all  the  neighbors  to  his  as- 
sistance ;  but  some  sympathizing  friend  would  al- 
ways upset  the  table  holding  the  candle  so  that  they 
could  never  decide  who  were  the  guilty  absentees. 

At  other  times  while  the  great  poet  was  sing- 
ing his  sweetest  songs,  we  would  seize  his  ancient 
roosters  by  their  tails,  and  while  they  were  ma- 
king night  hideous  with  their  lamentations,  the 
angry  couple  would  bombard  the  hen-roosts  with 
shovels,  hoes  and  other  weapons  in  the  hope  of 
slaughtering  the  marauders.  These  pleasantries 
made  much  fun  for  us,  and  varied  the  monotony 
of  the  lives  of  our  entertainers. 

The  ancient  daughter  firmly  believed  that  she 
possessed  the  fatal  gift  of  beauty,  although  her 
elongated  face  was  of  the  thickness  and  color  of 
sole  leather,  and  one  eye  was  hideously  closed, 
while  the  other  was  of  spotless  green.  It  was 
wonderful  to  see  her  cork-screw  curls  and  lan- 
guishing smirks  when  the  young  men  took  turns 
in  pretending  to  court  her,  while  an  admiring 
crowd  gazed  at  their  amours  through  the  window. 

I  can  recall  but  two  of  the  greatest  of  the 
poems  of  this  man  who  delighted  in  the  full  belief 
that  Shakespeare  could  not  "  hold  a  candle  to 
him."  These  I  take  pleasure  in  handing  down 
through  the  ages. 


JOYS  AND  SORROWS  OF  SCHOOL-DAYS. 


45 


No.  1. 

"  A  youth  of  parts,  a  witty  blade 
To  college  went  and  progress  made 
Sounding  round  his  logick  ; 
The  prince  of  hell  wide  spread  his  net. 
And  caught  him  by  one  lucky  hit 
And  dragged  him  down  to  tophet." 

No.  2. 
"  In  the  year  1801 

I,  Enoch  B ,  was  born 

Without  any  shirt  on." 


CHAPTER  V. 

CAREER   OF   A   DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE. 

DEAR  old  fathers  and  mothers  !  Of  all  the 
people  in  this  world,  they  look  through 
the  rubbish  of  our  imperfections,  and  see  in  us 
the  divine  ideal  of  our  natures,  love  in  us  not 
perhaps  the  men  we  are,  but  the  angels  we  may 
be  in  the  evolution  of  the  "  sweet  by  and  by," 
like  the  mother  of  St.  Augustine,  who,  even  while 
he  was  wild  and  reckless,  beheld  him  standing 
clothed  in  white  a  ministering  priest  at  the  right 
hand  of  God. 

They  see  through  us  as  Michel  Angelo  saw 
through  the  block  of  marble,  declaring  that  an 
angel  was  imprisoned  within  it.  They  are  soul 
artists.  They  can  never  acknowledge  our  faults, 
only  our  divine  possibilities ;  so,  when  I  left  the 
academy,  my  parents,  with  strong  yearning  and 
with  tears,  entreated  me  to  become  a  minister. 
I  had  not  the  heart  to  disappoint  them  and  as 
one  hypnotized,  on  a  Sabbath  morning  during 
that  summer,  the  clergyman  immersed  me  in  the 
river,  while  a  wondering  crowd  watched  from 
the  shore.     The  very  waters  seemed  to  protest, 

46 


CAREER  OF  A  DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE.  47 

for  as  I  gasped  for  breath  at  the  cold  backward 
plunge,  I  imbibed  copious  draughts  of  the  briny 
deep,  and  was  well-nigh  strangled.  I  survived 
the  ordeal,  and  that  afternoon  preached  in  the 
church  to  nearly  the  entire  population  of  the 
town  on  the  "  Final  state  of  the  impenitent 
dead." 

Oh,  the  terrors  of  this  my  first  sermon,  horrors 
to  preacher  as  well  as  to  "  preachees."  As  I  sat 
in  the  pulpit  beside  our  pastor,  listening  to  the 
tremulous  tones  of  the  organ  which  followed  the 
prayer,  and  gazing  at  the  sea  of  upturned  faces, 
they  seemed  taunting  me  with  all  the  wild  pranks 
of  my  boyhood,  and  crying  "  Oh  fool  and  hypo- 
crite." 

All  my  schoolmates  were  there  shaking  with 
ill-concealed  merriment.  Every  pore  poured 
forth  perspiration,  and  my  hair  seemed  to  stand 
on  end  like  quills  upon  the  back  of  the  fretful 
porcupine.  I  thought  of  the  experience  of  the 
first  sermon  by  a  theological  student  which  I  had 
recently  read  in  a  comic  paper,  and  I  trembled 
lest  history  was  to  repeat  itself. 

This  theologue,  like  many  of  his  cloth,  was 
possessed  of  the  insane  impression  that  he  was 
gifted  with  the  sublime  inspiration  of  eloquence, 
and  being  invited  to  preach  on  his  return  to  the 
old  home  for  vacation,  he  selected  the  somewhat 
startling  text   "  and  the  dumb  ass  opened  his 


48         THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

mouth  and  spake."  On  this  elevating  theme  he 
wrote  a  sensational  sermon  and  committed  it  to 
memory  in  order  that  he  might  electrify  his 
audience  with  eye  power  as  well  as  by  verbal 
flow  of  soul.  The  awful  day  arrived,  but  when 
the  young  apostle  arose  to  preach,  stage  fright 
banished  from  his  mind  all  but  the  thrilling  text. 

"  My  friends,"  said  he,  "  we  are  informed  by 
the  holy  book  that  this  dumb  ass  opened  his 
mouth  and  spake."  Then  pulling  his  hair  in  des- 
peration, he  repeated  the  text  several  times,  when 
he  was  interrupted  by  the  disgusted  pastor,  who 
jumped  to  his  feet  and  shouted : 

"  Well,  friends,  as  the  dumb  ass  has  nothing  to 
say,  let  us  pray." 

This  awful  example  well  nigh  converted  me 
into  another  specimen  of  this  historic  animal, 
but  at  last  the  pent  up  cave  of  the  winds  was 
opened,  and  a  gust  of  sound  came  forth  which  so 
stunned  the  listening  ears  of  my  hearers  that 
they  dazedly  mistook  it  for  eloquence. 

I  painted  to  them  the  picture  of  the  incorrigi- 
ble sinner  "  on  flames  of  burning  brimstone  tossed, 
forever,  oh  forever  lost."  I  did  not  intend  to  be 
a  hypocrite  ;  but  drifted  with  the  revival  tide. 

I  discoursed  often  that  summer  to  audiences 
that  crowded  the  church  to  the  doors.  I  was  but 
fifteen  years  of  age,  and  was  called :  "  The  won- 
derful boy  preacher." 


CAREER  OF  A  DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE.  49 

One  Sunday  the  village  crank  came  to  hear 
me,  honoring  the  occasion  by  wearing  a  new  stove- 
pipe hat  of  prodigious  proportions,  which  he  de- 
posited on  the  seat  as  he  arose  during  prayer. 
When  the  amen  was  pronounced,  perhaps  par- 
alyzed by  the  fervor,  he  sat  down  upon  said  stove- 
pipe, crushing  it  to  a  pie,  then  leaped  from  the 
wreck  uttering  a  blasphemous  yell  which  con- 
vulsed the  crowd  with  laughter,  and  thus  broke 
up  the  meeting  without  the  benediction  and  pass- 
ing of  the  contribution-box,  much  to  the  delight 
of  all  who  "  steal  their  preaching  "  on  all  possible 
occasions. 

I  soon  found  that  however  anxious  people  were 
to  save  their  souls,  they  were  unwilling  to  part 
with  their  "  filthy  lucre  "  to  buy  through  tickets 
to  the  celestial  city,  consequently,  that  winter 
being  impecunious,  I  was  constrained  to  accept 
the  offer  of  my  cousin,  the  "  prudential  commit- 
tee," to  teach  the  district  school  in  Barrington, 
N.  H.,  for  the  generous  stipend  of  $14  per  month 
and  what  board  I  could  secure  by  going  from 
house  to  house  of  my  pupils. 

On  arriving  there  I  was  ushered  into  the  im- 
posing presence  of  the  Free-will  Baptist  minister 
for  examination ;  then  I  was  made  aware  that 
although  I  had  plenty  of  Greek  and  Latin,  I  was 
woefully  uninstructed  in  the  rudiments  of  our 
mother  tongue,  and  was  saved  only  by  the  fact 


50  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

that  my  cousin  was  the  largest  contributor  to  the 
dominie's  salary. 

The  reverend  superintendent  had  prepared  an 
appalling  array  of  "  posers  "  in  accordance  with 
the  laws  of  the  state,  but  my  cousin  at  my  urgent 
request,  assured  him  that  I  was  an  alumnus  of 
one  of  the  greatest  institutions  in  the  world,  that 
I  was  a  clergyman  of  his  own  denomination,  that 
it  was  a  waste  of  time  to  examine  so  distinguished 
a  scholar,  that  dinner  was  ready,  and  the  hungry 
dominie  was  seduced  to  the  table  where  he  par- 
took of  so  much  solid  and  liquid  good  cheer,  that 
he  quite  forgot  his  official  duty,  and  gave  me  the 
required  certificate :  thus  I  was  saved  from  utter 
destruction. 

In  this  isolated  country  town  the  coming  of 
the  schoolmaster  in  his  tour  of  boarding  around, 
was  the  great  social  event  of  the  year  to  each 
family  in  this  Barrington,  so  called  from  the  nu- 
merous children  which  the  mothers  bear.  The 
fatted  pig  was  invariably  killed  in  his  honor,  and 
he  was  regaled  with  fried  pork,  roast  pig,  broiled 
hog,  sausages,  and  doughnuts  reeking  with  swine 
fat  ad  nauseam,  galore.  The  teacher  was  thus 
made  bilious,  dyspeptic  and  so  ugly,  that  he  tried 
to  get  even  with  his  carnivorous  tormentors  by 
making  it  "as  hot"  as  possible  for  their  offspring. 

At  the  opening  of  the  school,  this  long  and  lank 
fifteen  year  old  pedagogue  faced  sixty  pupils  from 


CAREER  OF  A  DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE.  51 

the  "  a,  b,  c,  tot "  to  the  brawny  twenty-one-year- 
older,  spoiling  for  a  fight.  When  I  assayed  to 
take  a  seat,  the  half-sawed-off  hind  legs  of  the 
chair  gave  way,  and  I  fell  heels  in  air  upon  the 
dirty  floor  amid  the  yells  and  cat-calls  of  this 
tumultuous  army  ;  then  the  stalwart  ringleader 
came  forward  to  throw  me  into  the  snow  bank, 
where  my  predecessor  was  nearly  smothered  with 
his  head  under  the  snow  and  his  feet  uplifted  to 
heaven. 

I  quickly  pulled  a  concealed  ruler,  and  with  a 
blow  on  the  head,  knocked  the  young  giant 
sprawling,  then  utilizing  all  my  athletic  training, 
I  tripped  and  banged  his  followers  till  they  fled 
pell-mell  to  their  benches.  Finally,  I  hypnotized 
my  audience  with  great  eloquence,  stating  that  I 
would  give  them  teaching  or  clubbing  as  they 
might  prefer.  My  sweet  sixteen,  black-eyed  girl 
cousin  gave  efficient  aid,  winning  the  girls  to  my 
side ;  they  secured  the  alliance  of  their  sweethearts, 
and  the  victory  was  complete. 

I  soon  found  that  some  of  the  bright  country 
lads  and  lasses  knew  more  than  myself  about  the 
"  three  E's,"  but  by  getting  a  key  to  the  arith- 
metic, and  trimming  the  midnight  candle  I  man- 
aged to  keep  ahead  of  the  game. 

In  this  strictly  agricultural  town,  I  found  every 
type  of  the  genuine  unadulterated  yankee  stock. 
When  I  called  on  Mrs.  Jones  to  furnish  her  share 


52  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

of  the  perambulating  schoolmaster's  provisions, 
she  remarked,  "  I  can  eat  you,  but  I  can't  sleep 
you,  because  I  have  no  spare  bedroom."  With 
feigned  terror,  I  said  that  I  feared  I  would  not  be 
a  very  toothsome  subject  for  a  cannibal,  there- 
upon she  gave  me  the  glad  hand,  "  come  right 
in,  my  poor  thing,  and  we  will  fat  you  up  for  our 
Thanksgiving  dinner."  I  entered,  and  ate  my  hog 
and  doughnuts  with  gladness  of  heart,  for  she 
was  the  most  buxom,  joyous,  and  hospitable 
Betsy  imaginable. 

It  was  she  who  cheered  the  house  and  the 
hearth  more  than  all  the  Christmas  fires,  an  old- 
fashioned,  thoroughly  good  woman,  entirely 
happy  without  the  aid  of  diamonds,  finery,  or 
long-tailed  gowns  to  trail  through  the  mud  and 
sweep  the  streets.  It  was  extremely  refreshing 
to  see  this  really  sensible,  natural  human  being, 
as  rare  in  this  age  as  an  oasis  in  the  desert. 

Her  husband  came  in  smiling,  a  veritable 
brother  Jonathan,  hale  and  hearty,  though  tired, 
for  he  had  arisen  from  bed  at  three  o'clock  that 
morning,  milked  a  dozen  cows,  done  chores 
enough  to  kill  a  dozen  dapper  city  clerks,  and 
then  tramped  beside  his  oxen  through  the  deep 
snow,  taking  a  load  of  wood  to  sell  in  Dover 
nearly  twenty  miles  away. 

This  load  he  had  labored  hard  for  two  days  to 
cut  on  the  mountainside,  and  it  brought  him  the 


CAREER  OF  A  DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE.  53 

munificent  sum  of  three  dollars,  yet  he  was  hap- 
pier than  any  multi-millionaire  I  ever  saw. 
There  were  stumps  he  had  dug  out,  and  rocks 
he  had  picked  on  his  farm,  enough  to  fence  his 
hundred  acres  almost  sky-high ;  but  even  then 
he  said  he  had  to  shoot  his  corn  and  potatoes  out 
of  a  gun  to  get  them  through  the  stones  into 
the  ground. 

This  family  was  the  life  of  every  husking-bee, 
where  each  red  ear  of  corn  led  to  rollicking  fun, 
resounding  smacks  on  rosy  cheeks,  and  of  par- 
ing-bees when  even  numbered  apple-seeds  were 
the  match-makers  for  bachelors  and  maids.  They 
often  took  prizes  in  my  spelling-matches,  when 
the  bashful  swains  were  allowed  to  clasp  hands 
with  their  sweethearts,  which  led  to  many  life- 
long hand  and  heart  clasps  in  this  good  old- 
fashioned  town  where  there  were  no  despairing 
old  maids  nor  lone,  lorn,  grouty  unmated  men. 

They  went  every  Sunday  to  whittle  sticks, 
swap  jack-knives  and  horses,  and  to  listen  to  the 
white-haired  parson  who  led  them  by  the  resist- 
less rhetoric  of  a  blameless  life,  as  well  as  by  his 
heartfelt  prayers  and  exhortations  in  those  "  ways 
which  are  ways  of  pleasantness  and  those  paths 
which  are  paths  of  peace." 

"  One  hot  summer's  day,"  the  farmer  told  me, 
"the  elder  was  preaching  to  a  very  drowsy 
crowd  after  a  hard  week's  work  in  the  hay-field, 


54  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

when  suddenly  he  stopped  and  shouted :  '  Fire ! 
Fire ! '  at  the  top  of  his  lungs.  '  Where  ? 
where  ?  '  cried  some  ex-snorers  jumping  to  their 
feet.  '  In  hell,'  cried  the  indignant  parson,  '  for 
those  who  sleep  under  the  sound  of  the  gospel.' " 

This  model  minister  was  dear  to  every  heart, 
for  it  was  he  who  had  blessed  them  when  they 
first  saw  the  light  of  day,  had  baptized  them 
when  first  his  kindly  teachings  had  awakened 
their  aspirations  to  walk  in  the  straight  and 
narrow  way.  It  was  he  who  married  them 
when  they  found  each  the  alter  ego,  to  whom 
they  could  say : 

"Thou  art  all  to  me  love  for  which  my  heart  did  pine 
A  green  isle  in  the  sea  love,  a  fountain  and  a  shrine." 

It  was  he  who  had  lifted  their  souls  on  the 
breath  of  prayer,  when  their  loved  ones  had 
"  fallen  asleep  in  Jesus,  blessed  sleep,  from  which 
none  ever  wake  to  weep." 

They  loved  him  though  they  gave  him  from 
their  scanty  earnings  but  $400  a  year,  and  half 
the  fish  he  could  catch,  yet  they  liberally  sup- 
plied his  larder  with  their  sweetest  butter,  fresh- 
est eggs,  and  the  choicest  cuts  from  their  flocks. 
When  a  city  minister  once  said  to  him :  "  You 
have  a  poor  salary,  brother,"  he  at  once  replied : 
"Ah,  but  I  give  them  mighty  poor  preaching, 
you  know." 


CAREER  OF  A  DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE.  55 

Grand  old  man,  he  followed  closely  in  the 
footsteps  of  his  Master,  and  accomplished  much 
more  good  than  many  famous  ones  who  wander 
far  from  the  precepts  of  the  lowly  Nazarene, 
and  deliver  featureless  sermons  to  unresponsive, 
gaily-attired  Dives  under  the  arches  of  great 
cathedrals. 

But  the  trail  of  the  serpent  is  everywhere 
found,  even  in  this  sequestered  spot.  There 
was,  in  the  outskirts  of  the  town,  the  inevitable 
rumshop,  fed,  it  was  said,  by  an  illicit  still  in  the 
woods,  and  there  as  usual  Satan  held  high  carni- 
val among  families  dead  in  trespasses  and  sins. 
There  we  assayed  to  hold  temperance  prayer- 
meetings,  but  they  loved  darkness  rather  than 
light,  and  we  cast  our  pearls  before  swine,  who 
turned  and  rent  us. 

On  one  occasion  we  tried  to  hold  services  in 
the  little  old  deserted  schoolhouse,  and  found 
it,  much  to  our  surprise,  packed  with  the  inhab- 
itants of  Sodom ;  a  more  villainous  looking 
crowd  I  never  saw  not  even  in  darkest  New 
York.  Beetle-browed,  mop-haired  men,  whose 
faces,  if  tapped,  would  apparently  give  forth  as 
much  fire-water  as  a  rum  barrel. 

For  a  short  time  they  listened  to  the  singing : 
but  when  the  aged  minister  attempted  with 
earnest  words  to  inspire  to  a  better  life  it  seemed 
as  if  all  the  fiends  from  heaven  that  fell,  had 


66  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

pealed  the  banner  cry  of  hell.  Then  a  decayed 
cabbage  struck  him  full  in  the  face,  ancient  and 
unfragrant  turnips  and  potatoes  filled  the  air, 
our  little  band  crowded  around  to  shield  him, 
but  unmercifully  assailed,  we  were  obliged  to 
wield  the  chairs  vigorously  over  their  heads  to 
fight  our  way  to  the  door. 

One  of  our  number  left  to  guard  the  sleigh, 
luckily  had  it  ready,  in  we  jumped  and  drove  for 
our  lives,  pursued  by  invectives  too  horrible  to 
mention. 

This  attack  was  inspired  by  the  keeper  of  the 
den  of  iniquity  as  he  feared  he  would  be  de- 
prived of  his  evil  gains,  and  that  night  he  rewarded 
them  with  unlimited  free  drinks  until  they  drowned 
their  consciences  in  a  prolonged  debauch. 

One  of  my  patrons  became  my  implacable 
enemy  because  I  gave  his  chip-of-the-old-block 
son  some  much  merited  discipline.  This  man, 
Sampson  by  name,  was  the  most  malignant  fel- 
low I  ever  saw.  One  night  when  with  my  pupils 
I  was  enjoying  a  skating  party,  he  appeared  with 
some  "  sodomites "  threatening  to  chuck  me 
under  the  ice,  and  they  might  have  succeeded 
but  for  two  of  my  friends  who,  when  the  enemy 
were  close  upon  my  heels,  suddenly  stretched  a 
rope  across  their  path  which  tripped  them  up, 
nearly  breaking  their  heads  in  the  concussion 
with  the  ice. 


CAREER  OF  A  DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE.  57 

On  another  occasion,  several  of  us  crawled  into 
a  long  hole  to  explore  a  cave  in  the  woods. 
While  laboriously  making  our  way  on  all  fours, 
carrying  torches,  we  were  suddenly  horrified  by 
fiendish  hisses.  Visions  of  snakes  danced  before 
our  minds,  the  girls  shrieked,  the  torches  fell  in 
our  frantic  scramble  and  we  were  left  in  Stygian 
darkness.  A  mocking,  demoniacal  laugh  was 
heard,  winged  creatures  dashed  against  our  faces 
scratching  and  lacerating. 

After  much  confusion  and  terror,  we  suc- 
ceeded in  relighting  our  torches,  and  found  our- 
selves in  a  wizard-like  cave.  The  bats,  for  such 
were  our  assailants,  fled  away  like  lost  spirits, 
grotesque  shapes  Avere  seen  formed  from  the 
rocks  by  dripping  waters  during  long  ages, 
fantastic  icicles  like  the  stalactites  and  stalag- 
mites of  the  famous  Mammoth  Cave  hung  sus- 
pended from  the  arching  roof,  but  a  resistless 
longing  to  reach  the  air  of  heaven  urged  us  on, 
and  we  crawled  to  the  opening  through  which 
we  entered.  I  was  in  the  advance,  and  on  reach- 
ing the  entrance  was  horrified  to  find  it  nearly 
closed  by  a  large  rock,  and  behind  it  appeared 
the  malignant  face  of  Sampson,  who  danced  in 
Satanic  glee,  laughing  and  shouting. 

"  I've  got  you  rats  in  a  hole,  and  there  you'll 
stay  till  you  die !  "  he  shouted. 

We  knew  our  enemy  too  well  to  expect  any 


58  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

mercy,  and  painfully  made  our  way  backwards 
to  the  main  cavern.  None  had  ever  explored  it 
further.  I  at  last  saw  a  glimmer  of  light,  and 
drawing  nearer  I  discovered  an  opening  to  the 
upper  world  through  which,  with  great  exertions, 
we  dragged  ourselves  back  to  the  sweet  air  of 
heaven.  The  delight  of  the  reaction  was  ex- 
quisite like  that  of  escaping  from  paradise  lost  to 
paradise  regained. 

When  the  ferocious  Sampson  heard  of  our 
deliverance,  he  fled,  and  was  never  heard  of 
again,  yet  this  demon  in  human  form  had  a  twin 
brother  who  was  one  of  the  best  men  in  the 
town. 

"  From  the  same  cradle's  side,  from  the  same  mother's  knee, 
One  to  long  darkness  and  the  frozen  tide,  and  one  to  the  peace- 
ful sea." 


jfjfirs 

Mill 


CHAPTER  VI. 

DKEAMS  OF  MY  YOUTH. 

I~N  the  early  spring  came  the  close  of  school 
term,  and  teacher,  pupils  and  parents  parted 
with  mutual  regrets.  My  pecuniary  reward  was 
small ;  but  I  shall  always  remember  with  pleas- 
ure the  kind  assurances  received  that  I  left  the 
intellectual  status  of  that  town  much  higher  than 
I  found  it.  I  have  visited  the  place  only  once 
since,  but  my  old  friends  had  all  passed  on  to 
the  higher  life,  and  my  young  ones  were  scat- 
tered to  the  four  winds  of  heaven  in  search  of 
that  happiness  and  wealth  which  is  seldom  found 
beneath  the  stars. 

I  reached  the  old  home  under  the  hill,  de- 
lighted to  see  once  more  the  eyes  which  looked 
love  to  eyes  that  spoke  again,  to  hear  the  fa- 
miliar spring  chorus  from  the  river,  the  first 
robins  and  bluebirds  rejoicing  over  the  resurrec- 
tion of  nature,  to  explore  each  sheltered  nook 
for  the  early  cowslips,  violets,  pussy-willows, 
dandelions,  and  crocuses ;  to  gossip  with  my  old 
friends  the  chipmunks,  the  muskrats,  and  the 
woodchucks ;  to  revisit  each  mossy  hollow  and 

59 


60  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

sequestered  retreat  in  my  much  loved  pine 
woods ;  to  whittle  again  the  willow  whistles,  to 
caress  the  opening  buds  and  tiny  green  growing 
blades  of  grass ;  to  float  once  more  in  my  little 
boat  under  the  embracing  arms  of  my  chums,  the 
oaks,  birches,  and  hemlocks  I  loved  so  well ;  to 
watch  the  first  flight  of  Psyche,  the  butterfly,  so 
emblematic  of  the  soaring  of  the  immortal  soul 
from  the  body  dead.  The  wood  duck  seemed  to 
smile  upon  me  as  of  old  as  she  sailed  gracefully 
into  the  little  coves  in  my  river,  the  woodpeckers 
beat  their  drums  in  my  honor,  and  the  heron,  the 
"  Shu-Shugah  " — screamed  welcome  oh,  my  lover. 

The  rapture  of  the  returning  life  to  nature 
thrilled  my  inmost  being.  Blue  waves  are  toss- 
ing, white  wings  are  crossing,  the  earth  springs 
forth  in  the  beauty  of  green,  and  the  soul  of  the 
beautiful  chanted  to  all,  the  sweet  refrain  : 

Come  to  me,  come  to  me,  oh  my  God,  oh,  come  to  me  every- 
where, 

Let  the  earth  mean  Thee,  and  the  mountain  sod,  the  ocean  and 
the  air, 

For  Thou  art  so  far  that  I  sometimes  fear, 

As  on  every  side  I  stare 

Searching  within,  and  looking  without,  if  Thou  art  anywhere. 

My  mother  brought  out  all  her  choicest  treas- 
ures for  her  "  long  lost  baby  "  ;  my  father  and 
brothers  "  killed  the  fatted  calf  "  for  the  "  prodi- 
gal returned,"  the  wide  old  fireplace  sent  forth 


DREAMS  OF  MY  YOUTH.  61 

its  cheering  warmth,  the  neighbors  gathered 
round  to  swap  stories,  and  the  apples,  walnuts 
and  home-brewed  juice  of  the  fruit  contributed 
their  inspiration  to  the  hearty  good  cheer. 

"Within  and  without  the  genial  spirit  of  spring- 
time cheered  the  heart  of  man  and  the  heart  of 
nature,  and  all  things  animate  and  inanimate 
sang  the  words  of  the  poet. 

"  Doves  on  the  sunny  eaves  are  cooing, 

The  chip-bird  trills  from  the  apple-tree  ; 
Blossoms  are  bursting  and  leaves  renewing, 

And  the  crocus  darts  up  the  spring  to  see. 
Spring  has  come  with  a  smile  of  blessing, 

Kissing  the  earth  with  her  soft  warm  breath, 
Till  it  blushes  in  flowers  at  her  gentle  caressing, 

And  wakes  from  the  winter's  dream  of  death." 

That  summer  my  services  were  frequently 
utilized  as  substitute  preacher  by  our  good  pastor, 
who  was  much  afflicted  with  what  Mrs.  Partington 
calls  "  brown  creeturs."  He  had  harped  on  one 
string  of  his  vocal  apparatus  so  long  that  like 
Jeshuran  of  old  "it  waxed  fat  and  kicked." 
Exceedingly  monotonous  and  soporific  was  his 
voice,  and  it  was  necessary  to  strain  every  nerve 
to  tell  whether  he  was  preaching,  praying  or 
reading,  the  words  were  much  the  same  in  each 
case. 

The  long  cramming  of  Hebrew,  Greek,  Latin 
and  all  things  dead  had  driven  out  all  the  vim 


62  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

and  enthusiasm  of  his  youth;  the  dry-as-dust 
drill  of  the  theological  institution  had  filled  his 
mind  with  arguments  for  the  destruction  of  all 
other  denominations  to  the  entire  exclusion  of  all 
common  sense.  He  forcibly  reminded  me  of  the 
Scotch  dominie  who  stopped  at  the  stove  to 
shake  off  the  water  one  rainy  morning,  and  to 
rebuke  the  sexton  for  not  having  a  fire.  "  Niver 
mind,  yer  Eiverince,"  replied  the  indignant  serv- 
ing man,  "  ye'll  be  dry  enough  soon  as  ye  begin 
praiching." 

One  hot  Sunday  when  our  clergyman  was 
droning  away  as  usual,  a  well-to-do  fat  brother, 
who  once  said  he  had  such  entire  confidence  in 
our  clergyman's  orthodoxy  that  he  didn't  feel 
obliged  to  keep  awake  to  watch  him,  commenced 
to  snore  like  a  fog  horn,  nearly  drowning  the 
speaker's  voice.  The  reverend  stopped,  and 
thinking  innocently,  that  some  animal  was  ma- 
king the  disturbance,  said:  "Will  the  sexton 
please  put  that  dog  out."  This  aroused  fatty, 
who  left  the  church  in  a  rage,  and  his  subscrip- 
tion was  lost  forever. 

Our  pious  pastor  was  a  fair  sample  of  the 
"wooden  men"  turned  out  by  the  educational 
mills  of  the  day  ;  to  an  assembly  of  whom  Edwin 
Booth  is  reported  to  have  said :  "  The  difference 
between  the  theatre  and  the  church  is  this,  you 
preach  the  gospel  as  if  it  were  fiction,  while  we 


DREAMS  OF  MY  YOUTH.  63 

speak  fiction  as  if  it  were  the  gospel  truth.  "When 
you  give  less  attention  to  dry  theological  disqui- 
sitions and  much  more  to  the  graces  of  elocution, 
you  may  expect  to  do  some  good  in  the  world." 

His  pastoral  calls  were  appalling;  arm  ex- 
tended like  a  pump  handle  to  shake  hands,  one 
up  and  down  motion,  a  "  how  do  you  do  ?  " — 
"  fine  day,"  then  a  solemn  pause,  generally  fol- 
lowed by  his  one  story ;  "  The  day  my  wife  and 
I  were  married  it  rained,  but  it  cleared  off  pleas- 
ant soon  after,  and  it  has  been  pleasant  ever 
since,"  then  suspended  animation,  finally,  "  let  us 
pray,"  and  when  the  same  old  prayer  with  few 
variations  was  ended,  once  more  the  pump-handle 
operation  and  he  departed,  wearing  the  same 
hopeless  face.  He  was  not  a  two-faced  man,  for 
had  he  another  face,  he  would  surely  have  worn 
it. 

This  sad-eyed  man  was  much  tormented  by  a 
brother  minister  in  the  pews,  who  seemed  to  have 
a  strong  desire  to  secure  our  pastor's  poor  little 
salary  for  his  own  private  use  and  behoof.  His 
plan  evidently  was  to  throw  the  stigma  of  heresy 
upon  the  incumbent,  and  to  this  end,  when  our 
preacher  was  one  day  laboring  hard  to  show  us 
exactly  where  foreordination  ends  and  free  moral 
agency  begins,  the  ex-minister  arose,  excitedly 
declaring  such  talk  to  be  rank  Arminianism,  and 
denounced  it  as  misleading  sinners  to  the  belief 


64  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

that  they  could  be  saved  even  if  they  were  not  so 
predestinated  in  the  eternal  mind  of  an  all-wise, 
all-loving  Jehovah,  who  had  foredoomed  some  to 
heaven  and  others  to  hell.  The  regular  speaker 
was  dumbfounded.  An  argumentative  duett 
followed,  much  to  the  scandal  of  the  saints  and 
the  hilariousness  of  the  sinners,  until  the  pitying 
organist  struck  up  with  great  force :  "  From 
whence  doth  this  union  arise  ? "  when  the  dis- 
gruntled disturber  left  the  church  vowing  he 
would  never  pay  another  cent  for  such  heretical 
sermons. 

Later,  a  heated  discussion  arose  among  the 
church  members  as  to  whether  fermented  wine 
should  be  used  at  the  Sacrament  of  the  Lord's 
Supper,  and  when  a  vote  was  taken  in  favor  of 
the  unfermented,  the  senior  deacon  withdrew  in 
disgust  and  joined  the  "  Pedo  Baptist "  church 
where  he  could  have  alcohol  in  his. 

All  this  of  course  made  the  judicious  grieve, 
and  the  cause  of  religion  to  languish.  This  was 
the  time,  famous  in  church  history,  when  a  great 
reaction  set  in  against  Cotton  Mather  theology, 
who  proclaimed  that  the  pleasure  of  the  elect 
would  be  greatly  enhanced  by  looking  down 
from  the  sublime  heights  of  heaven  upon  the 
non-elect  writhing  in  hell. 

Unitarianism  grew  apace,  and  Henry  "Ward 
Beecher  immortalized  himself  by  saying :  "  Many 


DREA31S  OF  MY  YOUTH.  65 

preachers  act  like  the  foolish  angler  who  goes  to 
the  trout  brook  with  a  big  pole,  ugly  line  and 
naked  hook,  thrashes  the  waters  into  a  foam, 
shouting,  bite  or  be  damned,  bite  or  be  damned  ! 
Result ;  they  are  not  what  their  great  Master  com- 
manded them  to  be — successful  fishers  of  men." 

Our  pastor  was  a  good  man  despite  his  pecul- 
iarities, and  led  a  blameless  though  colorless  life ; 
but  his  "  hard  shell "  theology,  his  long  years  of 
monkish  seclusion  in  the  training  schools,  en- 
gendering gloomy  views  as  to  the  final  misery  of 
the  majority  of  human  beings,  his  poverty  and 
lack  of  adaptation,  banished  all  cheerfulness  from 
his  demeanor,  and  when  I  recall  his  sad,  solemn 
face,  made  so  largely  by  his  views  in  regard  to 
the  horrors  awaiting  the  most  of  us  in  the  next 
world,  I  find  myself  repeating  the  words  of  Har- 
riet Beecher  Stowe  in  the  "  Minister's  Wooing," 
when  she  was  thinking  of  that  hell  depicted  by 
the  old  theology ;  "  Oh  my  wedding  day,  why 
did  they  rejoice  ?  Brides  should  wear  mourning, 
every  family  is  built  over  this  awful  pit  of  despair, 
and  only  one  in  a  thousand  escapes." 

When  I  semi-occasionally  peruse  one  of  the 
sermons  I  preached  in  those  days  of  my  youth, 
I  am  strongly  inclined  to  crawl  into  a  den  and 
pull  the  hole  in  after  me.  I  can  fully  believe  the 
orator  who  said  that  a  stupid  speech  once  saved 
his  life. 


66  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

"  I  went  back  home,"  he  said,  "  last  year  to 
spend  Thanksgiving  with  the  old  folks.  "While 
waiting  for  the  turkey  to  cook,  I  went  into  the 
woods  gunning — it  would  amuse  me,  and  wouldn't 
hurt  the  game,  for  I  couldn't  hit  the  broadside  of 
a  barn  at  ten  paces.  While  promenading,  it  com- 
menced to  rain,  and  not  wishing  to  wet  my  best 
Sunday-go-to-meetings,  I  crawled  into  a  hollow 
log  for  shelter  ;  at  last  the  clouds  rolled  by  and  I 
attempted  to  pull  out,  but  to  my  horror,  the  log 
had  contracted  so  that  I  was  stuck  fast  in  the 
hole,  and  I  gave  myself  up  for  lost.  I  remem- 
bered all  the  sins  of  my  youth,  and  conscience 
assured  me  that  I  richly  deserved  my  fate ; 
finally,  I  thought  of  a  certain  unspeakably  asinine 
speech  which  I  once  inflicted  upon  a  suffering 
audience,  and  I  felt  so  small  that  I  rattled  round 
in  that  old  log  like  a  white  bean  in  a  washtub, 
and  slipped  like  an  eel  out  of  the  little  pipe-stem 
end  of  that  old  tree.  I  was  saved  ;  but  the  audi- 
ence had  been  ruined  for  life." 

Thus  often  in  this  cruel  world  do  the  innocent 
suffer,  while  the  guilty  go  unscathed  to  torture  a 
confiding  public  with  what  the  great  apostle  calls 
the  "  foolishness  of  preaching." 

This  summer  brought  our  family  few  smiles 
but  many  tears,  and  the  death-angel  passed  close 
to  our  doors.  My  eldest  brother,  while  at  work 
in  the  hayfield,  was  smitten  by  the  sun,  causing 


DREAMS  OF  MY  YOUTH.  67 

a  mental  aberration  which  made  him  a  wanderer 
upon  the  face  of  the  earth,  and  finally  led  him  to 
cut  the  thread  of  life  with  his  own  hand  ;  my 
second  brother  was  pulled  by  his  coat  entangled 
in  a  wheel,  beneath  a  heavy  load  which  crushed 
his  thigh.  This  left  the  rest  of  us  to  struggle  as 
best  we  could  with  multitudinous  weeds  striving 
to  choke  the  crops,  and  the  many  trials  incidental 
to  wresting  sustenance  from  the  reluctant  bosom 
of  mother  earth. 

My  brother  Mark,  about  this  time  took  upon 
himself  the  jo3's  and  sorrows  of  a  family  and 
home  of  his  own,  while  I  assumed  the  care  of  a 
family  of  forty  school  children  in  the  neighbor- 
ing town  of  I . 


I  was  but  "  unsweetened  sixteen,"  and  lack  of 
tact  and  strength  brought  me  many  trials  in  my 
endeavors  to  "  teach  the  young  ideas  how  to  shoot 
correctly."  The  usual  tacks  were  placed  in  my 
chair,  causing  the  war-dances  incidental  to  such 
occasions ;  the  customary  pranks  were  resorted 
to  by  young  America  to  settle  the  oft  mooted 
question  as  to  who  is  master ;  the  inevitable  in- 
terference of  parents  followed,  who  as  usual,  re- 
garded their  children  as  cherubs  whose  wings 
they  seemed  to  think  would  soon  appear  were  it 
not  for  the  tyrannical  spanks  of  the  unworthy 
teacher. 

I  survived  the  fiery  ordeal  after  a  fashion,  and 


68  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

that  winter  entered  a  college  in  the  state  of 
Maine.  The  same  old  unrest  came  to  me  there, 
wearied  with  the  dry-as-dust  lectures  by  the  fac- 
ulty of  superannuated  ministers,  but  I  graduated 
after  a  two  weeks'  course,  and  vainly  endeavored 
for  three  weeks  to  catch  the  divine  afflatus  at  the 
Theological  Institution,  which  was  supposed  to 
be  necessary  to  enable  me  to  rescue  the  perishing 
as  a  preacher  of  the  gospel.  Then  at  the  sugges- 
tion of  the  president,  who  quickly  discovered  my 
mental  deficiencies,  I  was  matriculated  as  a  stu- 
dent at  another  university  founded  by  the  breth- 
ren of  the  same  "  Hard-shell  Persuasion."  I  was 
but  a  dreamer,  in  the  middle  of  my  teens,  dazed 
by  conflicting  opinions,  but  anxious  to  walk 
"  quo  deus  vocat." 

"  Here  I  stood  with  reluctant  feet, 
Where  the  brook  and  the  river  meet, 
Manhood  and  childhood  sweet. 

"  I  saw  shadows  sailing  by, 
As  the  dove,  with  startled  eye, 
Sees  the  falcon  downward  fly. 

"  To  me,  a  child  of  many  prayers, 
Life  had  quicksands,  and  many  snares, 
Foes,  and  tempters  came  unawares. 

"  Oh,  let  me  bear  through  wrong  and  ruth, 
In  my  heart  the  dew  of  youth, 
On  my  lips  the  smile  of  truth." 


DREAMS  OF  MY  YOUTB.  69 

"With  this  prayer  of  the  poet  upon  our  lips, 
many  of  us  entered  these  "  classic  halls,"  hoping 
to  find  there  in  communion  with  the  good  and 
great  of  the  past  and  the  present,  that  mental 
and  spiritual  "  manna  "  from  heaven  which  would 
inspire  us  to  lead  ourselves  and  others  to  the  sub- 
lime heights  of  heroic  endeavor. 


"  The  Brook  and  River  Meet. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

A   DISENCHANTED    COLLEGIAN-PREACHER. 

PREVIOUS  to  my  arrival  at  this  ancient  seat 
of  learning,  founded  and  endowed  for  the 
perpetuation  and  propagation  of  the  doctrines  of 
our  denomination,  I  had  never  entertained  the 
faintest  shadow  of  doubt  as  to  the  infallibility  of 
our  creed ;  but  now  all  faith  in  it  vanished  like 
the  baseless  fabric  of  a  dream.  Here  at  the 
fountain  head  of  wisdom,  from  which  streams 
were  supposed  to  flow  for  the  healing  of  the  na- 
tions, my  faith  in  the  beliefs  of  my  ancestors 
fled,  nevermore  to  return  ;  here,  where  lived  the 
great  high  priests  of  the  sect,  I  had  expected  to 
find  the  whole  air  roseate  with  divine  love  and 
grace,  all  souls  lifted  to  sublime  heights  on  the 
breath  of  unceasing  prayer  and  praise. 

The  disenchantment  was  appalling  ;  my  broth- 
ers in  Christ,  the  grave  and  reverend  professors, 
were  cold  as  icebergs,  evidently  caring  noth- 
ing for  the  souls  or  bodies  of  their  Christian  or 
pagan  students ;  the  preacher  at  the  college 
church  was  an  ecclesiastical  icicle,  who,  in  his 

70 


A  DISENCHANTED  COLLEGIAN-PREACHER.       71 

manner  at  least,  continually  cried :  "  Procul,pro- 
cul,  oh,  Profani  !  " 

The  prayer  meetings  were  dead  and  formal,  no 
enthusiasm ;  it  was  like  being  in  a  spiritual  re- 
frigerator— with  perhaps  one  exception,  when, 
through  the  cracks  in  the  floor  from  the  room  of 
a  frugal  freshman  who  boarded  himself,  came  the 
overwhelming  stench  of  cooking  onions,  and  a 
wag  brother  who  was  quoting  scripture  to  the 
Lord  in  prayer,  suddenly  opened  his  eyes,  and 
sniffing  the  unctuous  odors,  shouted :  "  Brethren, 
let  us  now  sing  '  From  whence  doth  this  onion 
(union)  arise  ? '  "  and  roars  of  laughter  would  put 
an  end  to  the  solemn  farce. 

Within  the  dismal  college  dormitories  were 
herded  a  few  hundred  youths,  entirely  free  from 
all  moral  and  social  restraints,  abandoned  to  all 
orgies  into  which  many  characters  in  the  forma- 
tive state  are  most  likely  to  drift.  I  frequently 
saw  a  professing  Christian  teacher  torture  with 
biting  sarcasm  his  brother  church-member,  who 
had  done  his  best,  though  he  failed  to  grasp  some 
intricate  mathematical  problem,  until  the  poor 
fellow  abandoned  the  college  in  despair. 

Is  it  strange  that  I  and  many  others  lost  all 
faith  in  a  religion  that  brought  forth  such  bitter 
fruit  ?  When  I  strayed  from  the  lifeless  dulness 
of  the  college  church  into  the  light  and  warmth  of 
the  "  liberal  sanctuary,"  where  the  old  man  elo- 


72  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

quently  discoursed  of  the  ascent  instead  of  the  de- 
scent of  man,  and  pictured  the  sublime  develop- 
ment of  the  race  by  heroic  endeavor  from  the 
animal  to  the  archangel ;  when  this  good  man 
welcomed  us  warmly  as  brothers  to  his  hearth 
and  home  and  loaned  me  his  silken  surplice  to 
cover  my  seedy  clothes  when  I  delivered  my  ora- 
tions at  the  class  exhibitions,  is  it  strange  that  I 
embrace  his  Darwinian  theory  instead  of  the 
mythological  story  of  the  fall  of  man  tempted 
by  a  snake  in  the  garden  of  Eden  ? 

I  usually  preached  on  Sundays,  during  my  four 
years'  course,  in  the  pulpits  of  the  surrounding 
towns,  but  it  was  not  of  the  total  depravity  nor 
flaming  brimstone  ;  far  grander  themes  engrossed 
my  thoughts  and  speech ;  the  true  heroism  of 
keeping  ourselves  unspotted  from  the  world,  the 
sublime  possibilities  of  our  natures  if  we  would 
walk  in  the  footsteps  of  the  only  perfect  One 
ever  seen  on  earth. 

By  trimming  the  midnight  lamp  and  ruining 
my  eyes,  I  won  a  scholarship  which  paid  my  tui- 
tion fees  and  room  rent,  so  that  I  was  released 
from  the  necessity  of  drawing  on  the  hard-earned 
savings  of  my  father.  The  usual  college  pranks 
were  played,  tubs  of  water  were  poured  from 
upper  windows  upon  the  heads  of  freshmen  who 
insisted  upon  wearing  stove-pipe  hats  and  the 
forbidden  canes ;  we  tore  each  others'  clothes  to 


A  DISENCHANTED  COLLEGIAN-PREACHER.       73 

the  verge  of  nakedness,  and  broke  each  others' 
heads  in  frantic  football  rushes ;  we  indulged  in 
ghost-like  sheet  and  pillow-case  parades,  during 
which  we  fought  the  police  and  made  night  hid- 
eous with  yells  and  scrimmages  with  the  "  town- 
ies";  we  burned  unsightly  shanties,  and  thus 
improved  the  appearance  of  the  city. 

We  tripped  up  unpopular  professors  with  ropes 
in  the  night,  on  the  icy,  steep  sidewalk  of  college 
street,  sending  them  bumping  down  the  long  hill, 
hatless  and  with  badly  torn  pants  till  they 
brought  up  with  dull  thuds  against  the  barber 
shop  on  South  Main  Street ;  we  of  course  stole 
the  college  bell  so  there  was  nothing  to  call  us  to 
prayers  or  recitations ;  we  howled  for  hours  un- 
der their  respective  windows: 

"Here's  to  old  Harkness,  for  he  is  an  imp  of  darkness  ! 
Here's  to  old  Cax.,  for  his  nose  is  made  of  wax  ! 
Here's  to  old  Prex — for  he  likes  his  double  x  ! 

until  some  of  us  were  thrust  by  the  police 
into  the  nauseating  dens  of  the  station- 
house. 

Thus,  like  pendulums,  we  swung  twixt  studies 
and  pranks  till  the  boom  of  the  rebel  cannon 
bombarding  Fort  Sumpter  thundered  upon  our 
ears.  Suddenly  our  books  were  forgotten :  the 
university  cadets  unanimously  tendered  their  ser- 
vices to  the  government ;  were  at  once  accepted, 


74  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

and  it  was  the  proudest  day  of  my  life  when, 
as  an  officer  in  our  battalion,  I  marched  with  the 
rest  to  the  drill  camp  on  the  historic  training 
ground. 

The  citizens  turned  out  en  masse  to  do  us  honor, 
and  frantically  cheered  us  on  our  way  to  do 
or  die ;  every  house  was  gay  with  old  glory ;  our 
best  girls,  inspired  with  patriotic  fervor,  ap- 
plauded while  they  bedewed  the  streets  with 
their  tears  ;  the  air  resounded  with  martial  music 
and  the  boom  of  saluting  cannon ;  the  young  war 
governor,  who  went  up  like  a  rocket  and  down 
like  a  stick,  led  the  way  on  a  prancing  charger  ; 
the  people  vied  with  each  other  in  tendering 
hospitalities,  and  every  corner  afforded  its  liquid 
refreshments.  We  thought  it  lemonade,  but  it 
"  had  a  stick  in  it "  and,  presto ! — we  were  no 
longer  seedy  theologues,  but  young  heroes  all, 
resplendent  with  brilliant  uniforms  and  flashing 
bayonets,  marching  to  defend  our  great  and 
glorious  republic. 

We,  unsuspecting,  imbibed  freely  the  seduc- 
tive fluids,  and  soon  our  heads  were  in  a  whirl. 
We  wildly  sang  the  war  songs  and  gave  the 
college  yells.  It  is  but  a  step  from  the  sublime 
to  the  ridiculous.  That  night,  Jupiter  Pluvius 
burst  upon  our  frail  tents  in  all  his  fury,  and  I 
awoke  the  next  morning  half  covered  with  water, 
and  in  a  raging   fever.      I   was   taken   to   the 


A  DISENCHANTED  COLLEGIAN-PREACHER,       75 

hospital,  and  as  I  was  a  minor  my  father  took 
me  from  the  service. 

For  weeks  I  was  a  wreck,  and  all  my  dreams 
of  martial  glory  vanished,  alas, — like  the  many 
which  have  bloomed  in  the  summer  of  my  heart. 
Before  I  regained  the  little  strength  I  ever  had, 
the  war  was  over,  but  I  had  done  my  best  to 
serve  my  country,  and  the  rapture  of  pursu- 
ing is  the  prize  the  vanquished  know.  The 
few  remaining  students  plodded  along  through 
the  curriculum ;  but  our  hearts  were  far  away  on 
the  battle-fields,  from  the  glory  of  which,  cruel 
fate  debarred  us. 

In  my  senior  year  I  was  forced  by  the  necessity 
for  securing  lucre  to  pay  the  increasing  gradua- 
tion expenses,  to  teach  the  high  school  in  Bristol, 
Conn.,  and  returned  to  the  university  to  "  cram  " 
for  the  final  examinations.  For  days  and  nights 
the  merciless  grind  went  on  until,  as  by  a  miracle, 
I  escaped  the  lunatic  asylum.  I  knew  but  little 
of  the  higher  mathematics,  but  the  "Green" 
professor  was  a  strong  sectarian  if  not  an  humble 
Christian,  and  when  the  hour  for  my  private  ex- 
amination arrived,  I  contrived  to  waste  the  most 
of  it  telling  him  about  the  Bristol  Church.  It 
was  near  his  dinner  hour,  and  he  yearned  for  its 
delights  to  such  an  extent,  that  he  did  not  detect 
me  in  copying  the  "Pons  Asinortim"  onto  the 
blackboard  from  a  paper  hidden  in  my  bosom, 


76  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

and  as  he  glanced  at  the  figures  on  the  board,  he 
said :  "  That's  right,  I  suppose  you  know  the 
rest,"  passed  nie,  and  hasted  to  his  walnuts  and 
his  wine. 

The  good  president,  of  blessed  memory,  had 
another  pressing  engagement,  as  I  well  knew, 
when  I  called  for  his  examination,  he  asked  for 
but  little,  was  too  preoccupied  to  hear  whether 
my  answers  were  correct,  passed  me,  and  my 
"  A.  B."  was  won. 

We  spoke  our  pieces  on  graduation  day,  re- 
joiced in  the  applause  of  our  "  mulierculaB,"  took 
our  sheepskins,  and  went  forth  from  "  alma 
mater"  conquering  and  to  conquer  the  unsympa- 
thizing  world.  I  had  acquired  here  but  a  modi- 
cum of  that  learning  which  was  supposed  to  flow 
from  this  "  Pierian  Spring,"  but  I  rejoiced  in  the 
fact  that  I  had  cast  away  forever  my  belief  in 
the  "  total  depravity  "  of  the  human  race,  that  in 
"  Adam's  fall  we  sin-ned  all,  that  in  Cain's  mur- 
der, we  sin-ned  furder,"  and  could  now  look  hope- 
fully upon  my  fellow-men  in  the  full  assurance 
that 


There  lies  in  the  centre  of  each  man's  heart 
A  longing  and  love  for  the  good  and  pure, 

And  if  but  an  atom,  or  larger  part, 
I  know  that  this  shall  forever  endure. 

After  the  body  has  gone  to  decay  — 

Yes,  after  the  world  has  passed  away. 


A  DISENCHANTED  COLLEGIAN-PREACHER.       77 

The  longer  I  live  and  the  more  I  see 
Of  the  straggles  of  souls  towards  heights  above, 

The  stronger  this  truth  comes  home  to  me, 

That  the  universe  rests  on  the  shoulders  of  love  — 

A  love  so  limitless,  deep  and  broad 

That  men  have  renamed  it,  and  called  it  God. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

IN   SHADOW   LAND. 

I  HAD  cherished  the  delusive  hope  that  my 
university  diploma  would  be  the  open  sesame 
to  any  exalted  position  to  which  I  might  aspire ; 
but  I  found  there  was  a  multitude  of  competitors 
for  every  professional  emolument,  and  that  a 
"  pull "  with  the  powers  that  be  was  essential  to 
secure  any  prize.  My  change  in  religious  senti- 
ments debarred  me  from  the  pulpit,  and  I  had 
no  friends  influential  enough  to  give  me  a  profit- 
able position  as  a  teacher  in  New  England. 

After  making  many  applications,  and  enduring 
many  hopes  deferred  which  make  the  heart  sick, 
I  struck  out  for  New  York  one  dark,  rainy  night, 
with  only  $10  in  my  pocket  to  seek  my  fortune 
in  that  so-called  "  Modern  Sodom  and  Go- 
morrah." I  knew  no  one  in  that  great  city,  and 
on  my  arrival  before  daylight  in  a  dismal  drench- 
ing storm,  I  entered  the  nearest  hotel  to  obtain 
some  much  needed  sleep. 

A  villainous  looking  servitor  showed  me  to  a 
cold  barn-like  room  where  I  found  no  way  of 
locking  the  door,  so  I  barricaded  the  entrance 

78 


IN  SHADOW  LAND.  79 

with  the  bureau,  placing  the  chair  on  top  as  a 
burglar  alarm.  The  scant  bedclothes  were  so 
short  that  one  extremity  or  the  other  must  freeze, 
so  I  compromised  by  protecting  the  "  midway 
plaisance,"  and  in  my  cramped  quarters,  thought 
with  envy  of  Dr.  Root  of  Byfield,  who  was  said 
to  stretch  his  long  legs  out  the  window  to  secure 
plenty  of  room  for  himself,  and  a  roost  on  his 
pedal  extremities  for  his  favorite  turkeys. 

I  was  on  the  point  of  falling  into  the  arms  of 
Morpheus  in  the  land  of  Nod,  when  a  stealthy 
attempt  to  open  the  door  sent  the  chair  with  a 
crash  to  the  floor.  Yelling  at  the  top  of  my 
voice,  "  Get  out  of  that,  or  I'll  put  a  bullet 
through  you  ! "  I  heard  a  form  tumble  down  the 
steep  stairs,  and  muffled  curses  which  reminded 
me  of  the  lines  in  the  Hohenlinden  poem  :  "  It 
is  Iser  (I  sir)  rolling  rapidly." 

At  the  first  dawn  of  a  dismal  day  I  crept  down 
the  dirty  stairs,  and  out  of  the  door  of  what  I 
learned  to  be  one  of  the  most  dangerous  houses 
in  that  sin-cursed  city. 

The  days  immediately  following  while  seeking 
for  employment  were  forlorn  and  miserable ;  I 
was  the  fifth  wheel  of  a  coach  which  no  one 
wanted.  Finally,  when  I  had  spent  my  last  cent 
for  a  beggarly  meal,  I  saw  an  advertisement 
for  a  teacher  in  the  reform  school,  and  called 
on  a  Mr.  Atterbury,  the  trustee.     He  regarded 


80  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

me  with  a  pitying  eye ;  told  me  two  teachers  had 
recently  been  driven  from  the  prison  by  the  kicks 
and  cuffs  of  the  toughest  boys  that  ever  went 
unhung ;  but  if  I  wished  to  try  it,  he  would  pass 
me  to  that  "  den  of  thieves."  I  grasped  at  the 
chance  like  a  drowning  man  at  a  straw,  and  that 
very  night  found  myself  facing  nearly  1,000  hard 
looking  specimens  from  the  slums  of  all  nations. 
The  schoolroom  was  a  huge  hall,  in  which,  at 
a  tap  of  the  bell,  great  doors  were  rolled  on  iron 
tracks  to  subdivide  it  into  many  small  class  sec- 
tions, each  in  charge  of  a  lady  assistant.  The 
organ  pealed  out  the  notes  for  the  opening  song 
which  was  given  fairly  well ;  but  when  I  at- 
tempted to  read  the  Master's  beginning  of  the 
responsive  ritual,  a  stalwart  young  giant  hurled 
a  book  at  my  head,  and  bedlam  broke  loose.  I 
jumped  from  the  platform,  seized  the  ringleader 
by  the  hair  and  collar,  and  with  a  strength 
hitherto  undreamed  of  by  me,  dragged  him  be- 
fore he  could  collect  his  thoughts  to  a  closet 
door,  hurled  him  headlong  and  turned  the  key. 
The  boys  said  afterwards  that  fire  flashed  from 
my  eyes,  and  they  thought  the  devil  had  come. 

I  grasped  a  heavy  stick,  used  for  raising  the 
windows,  and  told  them  in  stentorian  tones  of  a 
desperate  man,  that  I  would  break  the  heads  of 
all  who  were  not  instantly  in  their  seats.  The 
schoolma'ams  quivered  with  fear,  but  the  boys 


IN  SHADOW  LAND.  81 

slunk  to  their  places  and  I  harangued  them  to 
the  effect,  that  they  could  have  peace  or  war ;  if 
peace,  they  would  be  treated  kindly  and  be 
taught  to  become  successful  men;  if  war,  they 
alone  would  suffer,  for  I  had  come  there  to  stay. 

I  tried  to  inspire  these  poor  vicious  boys,  con- 
ceived in  sin  and  born  in  iniquity,  with  the 
thought  that  knowledge  is  power ;  that  many  of 
the  greatest  and  best  of  earth  had  risen  from 
their  ranks  by  persistent  endeavor  into  the  light 
and  liberty  of  the  children  of  God ;  that  they 
could  become  happy  and  successful  by  being  and 
doing  good ;  that  if  they  would  set  their  faces 
resolutely  towards  the  better  life,  I  would  gladly 
help  to  the  utmost  of  my  ability. 

One  by  one  their  eyes  kindled  with  the  light 
that  is  never  seen  on  sea  or  shore.  One  touch 
of  nature  makes  the  whole  world  kin.  They  had 
never  been  appealed  to  in  that  way  before,  and 
the  spark  of  goodness  lying  dormant  in  even  the 
most  depraved  natures,  responded  to  the  breath 
of  kindly  words. 

I  touched  the  bell,  the  great  subdividing  doors 
were  rolled,  and  my  assistants  quietly  proceeded 
to  the  work  of  instruction,  confident  that  the 
war  was  over. 

When  I  had  marched  my  regiment  to  their 
cells  that  night,  and  retired  to  my  room,  I  re- 
flected that  every  human  existence  has  its  mo- 


82  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

ments  of  fate,  when  the  apples  of  the  Hesperides 
hang  ready  upon  the  bough,  but,  alas !  how  few 
are  wise  enough  to  pluck  them.  The  decision  of 
an  hour  may  open  to  us  the  gates  of  the  en- 
chanted garden  where  are  flowers  and  sunshine, 
or  it  may  condemn  us,  Tantalus-like,  to  reach 
evermore  after  some  far-off  and  unattainable 
good.  I  dreamed  that  the  clock  of  fate  had 
struck  the  hour  for  me,  that  I  had  found  my 
mission  on  earth,  and  that  henceforth  the  "  Peace 
be  still"  of  the  Master  would  calm  life's 
troubled  sea. 

In  reconnoitring  the  island  the  next  day,  I 
found  much  to  admire.  The  great  domes  of  the 
massive  buildings  towered  aloft  above  the  encirc- 
ling walls,  like  aerial  sentinels  warning  us  to  lift 
our  thoughts  to  the  blessings  that  come  from  on 
high.  The  great  ships  went  sailing  by  to  lands 
beyond  the  sea ;  in  front  was  a  veritable  bower 
of  paradise,  apple  and  peach-trees  fruited  deep, 
green  lawns,  rippling  waters,  fair  as  the  garden 
of  the  Lord.  Every  prospect  pleases  and  naught 
but  man  is  vile. 

The  signal  was  given  from  the  Harlem  shore 
for  the  institution's  boat.  I  jumped  on  board, 
and  the  strong  arms  of  the  uniformed  boys  of 
our  boat's  crew  propelled  us  across  the  river, 
where  two  policemen  stood  on  the  pier  guarding 
a  girl  about  eighteen  years  of  age.     Quick  as  a 


IN  SHADOW  LAND.  83 

flash  she  pushed  one  of  them  into  the  water,  his 
head  stuck  in  the  mud,  his  legs  kicking  in  the 
air;  then  she  shrieked  with  laughter  and  ran 
like  a  deer  up  the  street.  The  other  policeman 
and  myself  jumped  into  an  express  wagon,  seized 
the  reins  from  the  astonished,  protesting  black 
driver,  plied  the  whip  to  his  horse  and  gave 
chase. 

"  What  for  you  dune  dar  ? "  cried  the  darky. 

"  Shut  up  !  "  was  the  only  reply,  and  away  we 
went,  Gilpin-like,  with  the  horse  on  the  run. 
We  headed  off  the  girl,  and  after  a  rough-and- 
tumble  scrimmage  threw  her  into  the  wagon, 
kicking,  screaming,  and  scratching  like  a  wild- 
cat. We  took  her  by  main  force  to  the  girls' 
wing  of  the  prison  and  put  her  into  a  cell. 

Scarcely  was  I  seated  at  the  table  when  the 
alarm-bell  rang,  and,  being  officer  of  the  day  I 
ran  over  to  inquire  the  cause,  and  found  the 
powerful  young  virago,  our  prisoner,  enjoying 
herself  hugely.  When  the  matron  had  been 
handing  her  some  food  through  a  hole  in  the 
cell,  the  girl  shot  out  her  arm,  grabbed  her  by 
the  hair  and  with  the  other  hand  was  now  pull- 
ing out  the  hairs  by  the  roots,  sometimes  a  few 
at  a  time,  sometimes  by  the  handful,  then  she 
would  bang  the  official's  nose  against  the  wall, 
then  knockout  blows  on  the  face.  The  matron 
was  in  awful  agony  and  faint  from  loss  of  blood. 


84  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

Entreaty  availed  nothing,  so  I  seized  a  dipper  of 
hot  water  and  dashed  it  on  the  girl's  naked  arm  ; 
the  matron  fell  heels  over  head  on  one  side,  and 
the  prisoner  executed  a  somersault  in  the  opposite 
direction,  then  jumped  to  her  feet,  shook  her  fist 
at  me  and  swore  like  a  pirate. 

This  young  Amazon  had  been  arrested  in  a 
vile  den  kept  on  a  house-boat  in  the  harbor,  and 
long  made  life  a  burden  for  our  women  officials. 

A  careful  study  of  the  five  hundred  girls  in 
this  reform  school  as  compared  with  the  one 
thousand  boys,  proved  clearly  that  women,  there 
as  elsewhere,  are  either  the  best  or  the  worst  of 
the  human  race.  "When  a  girl  cuts  loose  from  the 
angel  she  was  intended  to  be,  she  usually  de- 
scends to  the  lowest  possible  pit  of  degradation  ; 
as  soon  as  this  girl  in  question  found  there  was 
nothing  to  be  gained  by  her  fiendish  outbursts  of 
fury,  she  cunningly  changed  her  tactics  with  her 
pious  teacher,  and  pretended  to  "  be  born  again." 
She  ostensibly  chose  the  Bible  for  her  favorite 
reading,  prayed  fervently,  and  became  so  circum- 
spect in  her  deportment  that  she  was  promoted 
to  the  position  of  assistant  cook  in  the  good  girls, 
division. 

Here  she  contrived  to  bake  into  a  cake  a  letter 
which  she  gave  to  a  visitor,  who  took  it  to  one  of 
her  former  companions  in  sin,  and  one  day,  while 
walking  with  her  confiding  teacher  in  the  garden, 


IN  SUA  DO  W  LAND.  85 

a  boat  appeared  rowed  by  four  men.  Into  this 
the  young  hypocrite  jumped,  and  like  a  "  sow  that 
was  washed,  returned  to  wallowing  in  the  mire." 

In  contrast  to  her  ungrateful  depravity,  the 
boy  I  had  chucked  into  the  closet  on  my  first 
night  here  became  my  firm  friend,  and  the  stroke 
oar  of  my  private  boat  crew. 

One  day  I  was  taking  a  boat  ride  in  the  harbor 
with  two  of  my  lady  assistants  and  six  stalwart 
boy  oarsmen,  when  a  boat  shot  out  at  us  from 
Blackwell's  Island  with  four  villainous  men  and 
two  degraded  women.  Coming  alongside,  one 
of  the  women  said  to  the  boys :  "  Throw  that 
officer  overboard,  and  come  with  us ;  we  will  get 
you  $400  a  piece  as  bounty,  then  you  can  desert 
from  the  army,  and  have  a  jolly  good  time."  My 
teachers  fainted  with  fear ;  my  crew  rested  on 
their  oars,  wild  with  desire  to  escape ;  it  was  a 
crisis.     I  looked  them  steadily  in  the  eyes. 

"  Boys,"  I  said,  quietly,  "  when  sinners  entice 
thee,  consent  thou  not — row." 

"  We  won't  hurt  you,"  said  my  leader ;  "  you 
have  been  good  to  us ;  let  us  get  into  that  boat." 

"  Never,"  said  I.  "  You  shall  not  go  to  hell, 
pull ! "  Tbe  men  grabbed  at  me,  my  boys  pounded 
them  off  with  their  oars,  and  one  of  the  men  fired 
two  shots  which  whistled  close  to  my  head,  but 
the  boys  pulled  vigorously,  and  we  sailed  away 
amid  the  jeers  and  curses  of  our  enemies. 


86  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

"  Sherman,"  said  I,  to  my  stroke  oarsman,  as 
we  landed  on  our  island,  "  why  didn't  you  throw 
me  overboard  ?  " 

"  You  have  been  kind  to  us,"  he  replied,  "  and 
we  never  go  back  on  our  friends." 

I  had  the  pleasure  before  I  left  this  school,  to 
secure  good  positions  for  all  my  crew,  and  they 
became  useful  men.  I  was  soon  after  this  pro- 
moted to  the  vice-principalship  of  the  institution, 
and  an  ex-minister  was  appointed  my  first  assist- 
ant, a  good  man,  but  quite  absent-minded.  He 
recalled  to  my  memory  the  story  of  a  man  who 
came  home  in  a  pouring  rain,  put  his  wet  um- 
brella into  bed  with  his  wife,  and  stood  himself 
up  behind  the  door  where  he  remained  all  night. 

One  day,  when  I  was  off  duty,  I  went  sailing 
with  two  ladies  through  "  Little  Hell  Gate," 
which  rushes  with  great  fury  by  our  island,  to 
the  sea.  All  at  once  the  alarm  bell  rang.  In 
my  haste  to  get  ashore,  I  ran  the  boat  onto  a  par- 
tially submerged  rock,  and  it  would  have  been 
capsized,  had  I  not  jumped  out  onto  the  rock  and 
pushed  it  off.  Down  I  went  under  the  rushing 
tide.  "When  I  came  to  the  surface  I  saw  the 
white  belly  of  a  shark,  as  he  turned  to  seize  me 
in  his  jaws.  I  could  almost  feel  his  sharp  teeth. 
My  head  struck  the  side  of  the  boat,  just  as  the 
ladies,  with  great  presence  of  mind,  grabbed  me 
by  the  hair,  and  pulled  me  on  board.     We  landed 


IN  SHADOW  LAND.  87 

and  I  rushed,  puffing  and  dripping  like  a  por- 
poise, to  the  wall  gate,  unlocked  it  and  entered. 

A  frightful  scene  was  before  me.  Williams, 
my  assistant,  was  on  the  ground,  covered  with 
blood,  and  around  him  was  a  crowd  of  the  worst 
boys  in  the  prison,  pounding,  kicking,  and  trying 
to  snatch  his  keys  so  as  to  escape  by  unlocking 
the  gate.  Luckily  my  bat  with  which  I  had 
played  baseball  with  the  boys  stood  in  the  cor- 
ner, and  grabbing  this  I  struck  out  with  all  my 
strength,  knocking  down  the  boys  right  and  left. 
Just  then  the  guard  came  up  on  the  run,  the 
wounded  man  was  carried  to  the  hospital,  and 
his  assailants  locked  up. 

Williams,  it  appeared,  had,  in  his  absent-mind- 
edness, unlocked  the  jail  instead  of  the  wall  gates, 
and  let  out  upon  him  this  horde  of  ruffians  who 
had  been  put  in  there  for  safe-keeping.  He 
finally  recovered,  but  left  the  island  through  fear 
of  his  life. 

The  discipline  of  the  school  was  much  benefited 
by  forming  a  school  regiment,  and  drilling  them 
to  the  music  of  a  brass  band  composed  of  the 
boys  themselves.  They  were  as  proud  of  their 
uniforms,  shoulder  straps  and  accoutrements,  as 
were  the  old  guard  of  Napoleon,  and  their  ambi- 
tion was  stimulated  by  merited  promotions  from 
the  ranks. 

For  more  than  a  year  I  thoroughly  enjoyed 


88  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

the  work  of  uplifting  those  waifs  on  our  sea  of 
life ;  they  responded  appreciatively  to  the  influ- 
ence of  kindly  words  and  acts,  even  as  the 
iEolian  harp  yields  its  sweetest  music  to  the 
caresses  of  the  airs  of  heaven.  It  was  an  inspira- 
tion to  watch  the  blossoming  of  purer  thoughts 
and  higher  aspirations,  and  to  feel  that  we  were 
cooperating  with  the  invisible  spirits  in  develop- 
ing the  hidden  angels  in  this  youthful  army. 

All  at  once  the  shadows  fell,  the  baneful  greed 
of  that  organized  appetite  called  "  Tammany 
Hall,"  reached  out  its  devil-fish  tentacular,  which 
neither  fear  God,  nor  have  any  mercy  on  men, 
to  seek  our  blood.  Evil  looking  Shy  lock-faced 
trustees  began  to  supplant  those  noble  men  who 
had  made  this  refuge  a  veritable  gate  of  heaven 
to  so  many  more  sinned  against  than  sinning, — 
children  of  the  vile.  These  avaricious,  beastly 
emissaries  of  "  Tammany,"  soon  snarled  at  us 
poor  teachers  that  we  must  divide  our  small 
salaries  with  them  or  give  place  to  those  that 
would.  Not  a  school  book,  or  a  shin-bone  for 
soup,  could  be  bought  unless  these  leeches  had  a 
commission  from  it ;  they  brought  enormous 
baskets  and  filled  them  with  fruit  practically 
stolen  from  our  children,  and  carted  them  home 
for  their  own  cubs. 

Our  superintendent  and  chaplain  were  strong 
sectarians,  but  very  weak  Christians,  and  they 


IN  SHADO  W  LAND.  89 

readily  made  friends  of  the  "  Mammon  of  unright- 
eousness."    One  hot   Sunday,   when  I   was°  in 
command  at  chapel,  the  somnolent  tones  of  the 
chaplain,  who,  as   usual,  was   pouring  forth  a 
stream  of  mere  words — words  almost  devoid  of 
thought,  lulled   a   large  number  of  my  fifteen 
hundred  boys  and  girls  into  the  land  of  dreams. 
As  soon  as  the  services  were  over  and  I  had  sur- 
rendered my  flock  to  the  yard  master,  I  was 
summoned  before  the  superintendent  where  the 
pious  chaplain  accused  me  of  insulting  him  by 
not  keeping  the  children  awake.     I  quietly  asked 
him  how  this  could  be  done.     "  Go  among  them 
with  a  rattan,"  said  he.     I  told  him  I  thought 
the   preacher   deserved   the  rattan  much   more 
than  the  children,  that  they  would  listen  gladly 
if  he  would  give  them  anything  worth  hearing. 
From  that  moment  he  was  my  malicious  foe. 

One  day  while  returning  from  a  row  in  the 
harbor,  I  treated  my  boat's  crew  to  apples  and 
pears  from  our  orchard ;  just  then  the  superintend- 
ent's whistle  sounded,  and  I  was  called  before 
the  trustees  then  in  session. 

"  Are  you  aware,"  said  he,  savagely,  "  that  the 
rules  direct  that  all  fruit  shall  be  gathered  by 
the  head  gardener,  and  by  him  alone  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  was  my  reply. 

"Well,  then,  you  were  stealing,  just  now." 

u  I  was  simply  imitating  your  example,  sir ;  it 


90  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

takes  a  thief  to  catch  a  thief."  The  trustees 
roared  with  laughter.  The  president  of  the 
board  then  asked  if  I  had  seen  others  stealing 
the  fruit. 

"  Yes,  sir,  the  chaplain,  superintendent,  and 
nearly  all  the  trustees." 

"  Well,"  said  he,  "  this  is  a  den  of  thieves." 

"  All  except  the  convicts,  sir,"  I  replied. 

These  incidents  did  not  add  to  my  popularity 
among  the  sneaks  whose  petty  slings  and  arrows 
were  so  annoying,  and  so  minimized  my  power 
for  good  that  I  reluctantly  resigned,  to  accept  a 
more  lucrative  position  as  teacher  in  an  aristo- 
cratic boarding-school  located  in  the  romantic 
county  of  Berkshire,  much  nearer,  geographic- 
ally, to  the  stars. 

Among  our  responsibilities  at  the  reform 
school,  were  many  "  wharf  rats " — so  called, 
because  having  had  no  homes  or  visible  parents, 
like  Topsy,  they  had  simply  "growed,"  and 
slept  under  the  wharves  of  the  city,  swarming 
out  at  intervals  to  steal  or  beg  for  something  to 
assuage  the  pangs  of  hunger.  They  were  vicious 
to  a  degree,  and  at  first  seemed  to  prefer  a  raw 
shin-bone  that  they  had  stolen  to  an  abundant 
meal  obtained  honestly.  They  would  rather 
fight  than  eat,  and  prized  a  penny  obtained  by 
lies  more  than  dollars  secured  by  telling  the 
truth.     Some  were  stupid  as  donkeys  ;  but  others 


IN  SRADO  W  LAND.  91 . 

possessed  minds  of  surprising  acuteness.  I  once 
asked  one  of  these  why  he  was  sent  to  the  re- 
form school. 

"  Oh,"  was  the  reply,  "  I  stole  a  sawmill,  and 
when  I  went  back  after  the  water  dam  the  cop- 
per scooped  me  in." 

Another  quizzed  his  teacher  unmercifully, 
when,  in  trying  to  teach  him  the  alphabet,  she 
drew  a  figure  on  the  board  and  told  him  it  was 
A,  he  called  out :  "  How  do  you  know  that  is 
A?" 

"  Why,  when  I  went  to  school  my  teacher 
told  me  it  was  A." 

"  Well,"  said  the  little  imp,  "  how  do  ye 
know  but  what  that  feller  lied  ?  " 

At  one  of  our  public  meetings,  the  superin- 
tendent introduced  as  a  speaker,  a  man  by  the 
name  of  Holmes,  and  wishing  to  impress  the 
boys  favorably,  he  announced  him  as  Professor 
Holmes.  The  orator  was  annoyed  at  being 
called  professor,  and  trying  to  be  "  funny,"  com- 
menced by  saying  :  "  I  am  not  Professor  Holmes, 
nor  his  man-servant,  nor  his  maid-servant,  nor 

his  ox,  nor  his  ass "     At  this  point,  quick  as 

a  flash,  up  jumped  one  of  our  wharf  rats,  and 
shouted :  "  Well,  if  you  ain't  Professor  Holmes' 
ass,  whose  ass  be  ye  ?  " 

Then  the  little  barbarian,  evidently  maddened 
by  the  sneering  pomposity  of  our  eloquent  guest, 


92 


THE  GENTLE3IAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 


strutted  across  the  floor  in  perfect  imitation  of 
Holmes'  affected  grandiloquence ;  then  he 
launched  into  the  coon  song : — 

"  De  bigger  dat  you  see  de  smoke 
De  less  de  fire  will  be, 
And  de  leastest  kind  ob  possum 
Climbs  de  biggest  kind  ob  tree. 

"  De  nigger  at  de  camp-groun' 

Dat  kin  loudest  sing  an'  shout, 
Am  gwine  ter  rob  some  hen-roos' 
Befo'  de  week  am  out." 

Thus,  often,  from  a  bud  seemingly  withered 
and  dead,  would  unexpectedly  blossom  out  an 
unknown  flower  of  startling  brilliancy  and  un- 
precedented attractiveness. 


CHAPTEK  IX. 

SUNLIGHT     AND     DARKNESS     IN     PALACE    AND 
COTTAGE. 

MY  pupils  at  the  reform  school  were  from 
the    dens    and   hovels   of    the   Bowery, 

while  those  at  S were  from  the  palaces  of 

Fifth  Avenue ;  but  to  my  utter  astonishment, 
the  children  of  the  slums  were  morally  and  per- 
haps intellectually  superior  to  those  of  the  pluto- 
crats. I  was  occasionally  the  guest  of  both  the 
poverty-stricken  and  the  millionaire  parents  of 
my  scholars,  and  I  verily  believe  that  I  saw  as 
much  depravity  and  misery  in  the  abodes  of  the 
rich  as  in  those  of  the  poor. 

On  my  arrival  in  Berkshire  County,  I  found 
both  of  my  employers  were  off  on  a  spree,  and 
that  I  was  ordered  to  do  the  work  of  receiving 
and  organizing.  One  day,  a  princely  equipage 
with  liveried  coachman  and  outrider  halted  at  the 
schoolroom  door,  a  "  bloated  bondholder "  and 
his  wife,  arrayed  in  purple,  line  linen,  and  dia- 
monds, pulled  a  flashily  appareled,  humpbacked 
boy  up  to  me,  every  lineament  of  whose  face 
showed  depravity  and  cunning.     "  There,"  said 

93 


94  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

the  father,  "is  my  d d  son,  he  drinks,  swears, 

and  breaks  all  the  commandments  every  day. 
Take  him,  and  send  the  bill  to  me."  He  handed 
me  his  card  and  away  they  went. 

This  was  not  an  isolated  case.  I  did  my  best  for 
them ;  but  they  were  satiated  with  luxury,  hated 
books,  and  seemed  to  care  for  nothing  but  de- 
bauchery. The  very  next  day  several  of  these 
scamps  obtained  permission  to  visit  the  cave  in 
"  Bear  Mountain,"  where  ice  could  be  found 
throughout  the  year.  As  they  did  not  return  on 
time,  I  went  in  search  and  found  them  all  drunk. 
They  had  no  appreciation  of  the  sun-kissed  moun- 
tains, waving  forests,  or  verdure-clad  valleys ; 
the  grand  scenery  awakened  no  responsive  smiles, 
no  ennobling  aspirations ;  they  were  intent  upon 
nothing  but  drowning  their  ignoble  souls  in  the 
noxious  fumes  of  tobacco  and  alcohol.  I  tumbled 
them  into  the  wagon,  drove  them  to  their  dormi- 
tory and  put  them  to  bed,  lower  than  the  beasts 
they  seemed  to  be  in  their  depravity  ;  not  all  to 
be  sure,  for  there  were  a  few  choice  spirits  like 
Julian  Hawthorn,  who  followed  to  some  extent 
the  example  of  his  illustrious  father,  and  has  won 
his  spurs  in  literature. 

I  found  to  my  disgust  that  bad  eggs  would 
ruin  the  good  ones ;  but  that  many  good  ones 
could  not  take  the  rottenness  from  even  one  of 
the  bad.     It  seemed  a  hopeless  task  to  endeavor 


SUNLIGHT  AND  DARKNESS.  95 

to  inspire  such  impoverished  souls,  and  I  retired 
in  despair,  to  accept  the  principalship  of  the  an- 
cient academy  in  the  village. 

Here  I  met  the  children  of  the  so-called  middle 
class,  the  very  bone  and  sinew  of  the  Republic ; 
here  I  was  monarch  of  all  I  surveyed,  and  un- 
trammeled  by  the  cramming  regulations  of  the 
public  schools,  I  pursued  the  delightful  avocation 
of  a  true  educator.  E  and  duco  is  the  etymology 
of  the  word,  to  lead  out,  to  develop  the  latent 
energies  of  the  mind.  I  had  chemical  and  phil- 
osophical apparatus  with  which  to  perform  exper- 
iments in  illustrative  teaching  of  the  sciences, 
and  all  were  intent  upon  acquiring  thorough, 
practical  education. 

When  I  saw  their  enthusiasm  lagging  from 
want  of  physical  exercise,  at  the  tap  of  the  bell, 
we  would  all  rush  out  upon  the  beautiful  campus 
and  kick  football,  or  run  races  until,  with  glow- 
ing faces  and  invigorated  energies,  they  would 
follow  me  back  to  our  studies,  sometimes  into 
the  cheerful  academy  hall,  sometimes  under  the 
shade  of  the  noble  oaks,  where  we  would  study 
botany  close  to  nature's  heart  amid  the  songs  of 
birds  and  the  sublime  chanting  of  the  tree-tops. 

We  gave  musical  and  dramatic  entertainments, 
securing  ample  funds  to  decorate  the  walls  of  our 
hall  with  works  of  art;  we  went  on  rides  to- 
gether in  barges,  drank  in  long  draughts  of  in- 


96  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

spiration  from  the  glorious  scenery,  and  studied 
geology,  practically,  like,  if  not  equal  to  Hugh 
Miller,  among  the  rocks  and  boulders.  I  was 
doing  good,  and  here  I  should  have  remained ; 
but  the  old  unrest  came  back  to  me,  and  I  un- 
wisely accepted  a  much  larger  salary  in  teaching 
in  my  native  county  of  Essex. 

As  soon  as  I  took  command  of  my  two  hun- 
dred boys  and  girls  in  B ,  I  realized  how  vast 

is  the  contrast  between  free  and  unrestricted 
educating,  and  the  grind  of  cramming  according 
to  the  ironclad  rule  of  the  public  school  system. 

Many  children  are  so  crammed  with  everything 
that  they  really  know  nothing.  In  proof  of  this, 
read  these  veritable  specimens  of  definitions, 
written  by  public  school  children  that  very  year 
in  another  school  of  this  town. 

"Stability  is  the  taking  care  of  a  stable." 

"A  mosquito  is  the  child  of  black  and  white  parents." 

' '  Monastery  is  the  place  for  monsters." 

"Tocsin  is  something  to  do  with  getting  drunk." 

"Expostulation  is  to  have  the  smallpox." 

"Cannible  is  two  brothers  who  killed  each  other  in  the 
Bible." 

"Anatomy  is  the  human  body,  which  consists  of  three  parts, 
the  head,  the  chist  and  the  stummick.  The  head  contains  the 
eyes  and  brains,  if  any  ;  the  chist  contains  the  lungs  and  a 
piece  of  the  liver.  The  stummick  is  devoted  to  the  bowels,  of 
which  there  are  five,  a,  e,  i,  o,  u,  and  sometimes  w,  and  y." 

Every  teacher  was  rated  according  to  his 


SUNLIGHT  AND  DARKNESS.  97 

ability  to  secure  from  his  pupils  a  high  percent- 
age in  examinations  for  promotion. 

I  grew  restless  under  the  restraints  imposed  by 
a  committee  of  incompetents  ;  besides,  the  min- 
ister who  was  chairman  of  the  Board,  considered 
a  Unitarian  to  be  an  infidel,  demoralizing  the  re- 
ligious life  of  the  young.  I  grew  tired  of  his 
malicious  peccadillos,  and  accepted  a  "  louder " 
call  from  that  quaint  town  where  the  historic 
Lloyd  Ireson  "  with  his  hord  horrt  was  torrd  and 
futhered  und  Korrid  in  a  Kort  by  the  wimmun 
o'  Marrble  ed." 

Here  I  had  one  hundred  boys  in  one  room, 
many  of  whom  went  fishing  in  summer  to  get  up 
muscle  to  lick  the  schoolmaster  in  winter.  They 
had  been  quite  successful  in  this  latter  industry 
for  several  years  in  my  school,  and  at  once  pro- 
ceeded to  try  the  same  tactics  with  me.  On  the 
first  morning,  I  was  saluted  with  a  volley  of  iced 
snow  balls  as  hard  as  brickbats,  and  I  at  once 
reciprocated  these  favors  by  knocking  down  the 
leader,  dragging  him  into  the  house,  and  giving 
him  a  sound  cowhiding,  and  when  the  vinegar- 
faced  committee  came  in  later  I  was  busily  en- 
gaged in  teaching  their  sons  to  dance  to  this 
same  useful  instrument. 

These  owl-like  worthies  sat  solemnly  on  the 
platform  for  awhile,  saying  no  more  than  the 
ugly   fowls   they   so  much  resembled,  and  then 


98  THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

stalked  out,  leaving  me  to  my  fate.  A  }roung 
Hercules  fisherman  at  once  suggested,  that  the 
first  business  in  order  was  to  throw  me  out  the 
window  as  they  had  so  many  of  my  predecessors. 
To  this  I  stoutly  objected,  and  seizing  a  big 
hickory  stick  window-elevator,  I  swung  it  fiercely 
close  to  their  heads.  This  was  more  than  they 
had  bargained  for,  and  the  uproar  pro  tern  sub- 
sided. 

This  was  the  winter  famed  in  the  history  of 
Massachusetts,  as  producing  the  severest  snow- 
storm ever  known,  and  for  a  week  I  was  snow- 
bound in  my  boarding-house,  where  my  bright- 
eyed,  sweet-faced  cousins  were  most  agreeable 
substitutes  for  my  plug-ugly  pupils. 

One  day,  this  same  week,  the  giant  ringleader 
of  my  assailants  who  had  moved  to  baptize  me 
by  immersion  in  the  icy  waters  of  the  harbor, 
himself,  while  fishing,  fell  through  a  hole  in  the 
ice  and  was  drowned.  The  loss  of  their  mighty 
general  somewhat  demoralized  his  followers,  and 
vi  et  armis,  I  managed  to  survive  the  fourteen 
weeks'  term.  At  the  close  of  the  first  session  of 
the  last  day,  I  threw  a  football  to  my  enemies, 
who,  not  suspecting  my  trick,  rushed  off,  kicking 
it  down  the  street,  and  when  they  returned  in 
the  afternoon  to  take  vengeance  upon  me  for  my 
unprecedented  rule  over  them,  I  was  in  the  "  hub 
of  the  universe."     I  afterwards  learned  that  my 


SUNLIGHT  AND  DARKNESS.  99 

discretion  was  the  better  part  of  valor,  for  my  fero- 
cious pupils  had  the  determination  and  the  neces- 
sary force  to  send  me  unshriven  to  Davy  Jones' 
locker. 

I  had  never  believed  in  the  doctrine  of  reincar- 
nation until  I  met  in  the  city,  the  veritable  Judas 
Iscariot,  ready  and  anxious  to  sell  anybody  and 
everything  for  thirty  pieces  of  silver,  nickel, 
copper,  or  any  old  thing  he  could  pick  up.  This 
Jew  pretended  to  wish  to  sell  one-half  interest 
in  his  commercial  school  for  $2,000.  I  had  some 
negotiations  with  him,  but  found  out,  by  careful 
investigation,  that  he  had  already  sold  several 
confiding  teachers,  who  ascertained  too  late  to 
save  their  money,  that  this  fraud  was  collector 
and  treasurer  of  all  funds  of  the  company,  that 
he  required  his  partner  to  do  all  the  drudgery, 
and  that  his  report  always  claimed  that  all  col- 
lections had  been  paid  out  for  expenses. 

He  reminded  me  of  the  legend,  that  when  the 
devil  took  Christ  to  the  top  of  a  high  mountain, 
showed  Him  all  the  kingdoms  of  the  earth,  and 
said :  "  All  these  things  will  I  give  you  to  fall 
down  and  worship  me."  Suddenly,  the  face  of 
a  Shylock  appeared,  saying :  "  Shentlemen,  peesh- 
ness  ish  peeshness,  and  if  you  can't  trade,  I  will 
take  dat  offer." 

I  mention  this  little  incident  hoping  it  may 
prove  a  warning  to  the  unwary  who,  like  myself, 


100        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

may  fall  among  the  sharpers  of  the  Modern 
Athens.  Disgusted  with  this  business  experi- 
ence, and  wishing  to  do  good  and  get  good,  I 
advertised,  offering  $50  for  an  acceptable  posi- 
tion as  teacher,  and  I  at  once  received  many 
responses  from  thrifty  committeemen,  and  re- 
tiring teachers. 

I  interviewed  a  clergyman  who  wanted  the 
reward  in  advance  ;  but  when  the  time  came  for 
him  to  deliver  the  goods,  he  had  suddenly  de- 
camped in  the  night  to  avoid  a  coat  of  tar  and 
feathers  from  indignant  parents  whose  children's 
morals  had  been  basely  ruined  by  this  wolf  in 
sheep's  clothing.  Others  extended  itching  palms 
for  the  money,  but  failed  to  secure  for  me  the 
" sine  qua  non" 

At  last,  an  impecunious  teacher  in  W , 

who  was  retiring  to  accept  a  "louder"  call  in 
Boston,  introduced  me  to  his  Board  as  a  par- 
ticular friend  whom  he  had  known  for  many 
years,  (he  had  never  seen  me  before),  and 
vouched  for  me  as  one  of  the  greatest  of  living 
instructors. 

When  the  three  doctors,  constituting  the 
school  board,  were  about  to  give  me  a  searching 
examination,  which  doubtless  would  have  floored 
me,  prearranged  calls  summoned  them  to  see 
pretended  patients,  and  on  the  mercenary  peda- 
gogue's assurance  that  I  was  a  university  gradu- 


SUNLIGHT  AND  DARKNESS.  101 

ate,  they  hastily  signed  my  commission  and  I 
was  saved. 

I  shall  always  remember  my  two  years'  expe- 
rience in  this  beautiful  town,  with  much  pleasure 
and  pride.  On  the  opening  of  the  school  I  found 
myself  looking  upon  over  one  hundred  of  the 
finest  appearing  boys  and  girls  I  had  ever  beheld, 
seated  in  a  noble  new  hall  well  equipped  with 
organ  and  all  the  apparatus  which  wealth  could 
procure. 

Soon  after  the  opening  exercises,  the  usual 
trial  of  the  new  master  commenced,  and  a 
stifling,  choking  odor  threw  all  into  convulsions 
of  coughing,  almost  to  strangulation.  Some  one 
had  thrown  a  large  quantity  of  cayenne  pepper 
down  the  register.  I  quietly  opened  the  win- 
dows, and  when  the  noxious  fumes  had  passed 
away,  the  new  principal  said : 

"  I  feel  sure  that  the  pleasant  outward  appear- 
ance of  my  family  here  is  an  expression  of  the 
inward  goodness  and  honor  of  you  all,  and  I  am 
confident  that  the  perpetrator  of  this  disagree- 
able mischief  will  take  pride  in  removing  suspi- 
cion from  his  companions  by  rising  in  his  seat 
and  apologizing  for  his  thoughtless  rudeness." 

A  fine,  manly  looking  boy  at  once  arose. 
"  Come  up  here,  my  friend,  and  let  us  talk  it 
over,"  I  said,  and  he  came  and  stood  by  my  side. 
"  We   are  all  brothers  and  sisters  here,  and  I 


102        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

have  no  doubt  you,  Arthur,  will  now  express  your 
regrets  for  what  you  have  done."  He  did  so,  the 
audience  applauded,  and  the  incident  was  closed. 

The  new  master's  manner  was  such  a  decided 
contrast  to  that  of  his  "  knock  down  and  drag 
out  "  predecessor,  that  it  captivated  his  proteges 
at  the  start,  and  this  was  the  only  unpleasant 
episode  in  my  delightful  intercourse  with  these 
charming  children. 

I  established  a  society  called  the  "  Class  of 
Honor,"  which  soon  comprised  my  entire  family. 
Every  pupil  who  had  no  marks  against  him  or 
her  for  failures  in  scholarship  or  deportment,  was 
decorated  with  a  blue  ribbon,  and  when  he  had 
earned  and  worn  this  for  one  month,  he  was  pre- 
sented with  a  handsome  diamond  shaped  pin  on 
which  was  engraved  the  words  "  class  of  honor." 
They  were  prouder  of  this  decoration  than  ever 
were  the  imperial  guard  of  Napoleon  of  the  Cross 
of  the  Legion. 

If  a  pupil  failed  on  some  point  in  recitation,  he 
could  retrieve  himself  by  reciting  it  correctly  later 
with  extra  information  on  the  point,  gathered 
from  the  reference  books,  and  thus  he  was  saved 
from  humiliation  and  discouragement,  and  at  the 
same  time,  he  was  stimulated  to  making  independ- 
ent researches  in  the  school  and  public  libraries. 
Each  class  of  honor  pupil  could  whisper,  go  out, 
or  go  to  the  blackboards  to  draw  or  cipher  with- 


SUNLIGHT  AND  DARKNESS.  103 

out  asking  permission.  The  high  sense  of  honor 
was  thus  developed  which  is  so  essential  to  a  suc- 
cessful career. 

We  had  a  system  of  light  gymnastics  which, 
with  military  drill,  gave  grace  and  erectness  to 
the  carriage,  and  every  Friday  afternoon,  the 
large  hall  was  crowded  with  the  parents  to  en- 
joy the  singing,  declamations,  gymnastics,  dramat- 
ics, and  drawing  exercises,  and  all  went  merry 
as  a  marriage  bell. 

My  salary  was  raised  voluntarily  every  six 
months  ;  I  enjoyed  their  games  with  them  in  our 
ample  playgrounds.  We  often,  on  holidays, 
roamed  the  woods  and  seashore  together ;  I  often 
dined  with  them  in  their  homes,  and  at  picnics ; 
on  all  public  occasions  I  was  one  of  the  principal 
speakers,  and  my  life  was  an  ideal  one  in  all  re- 
spects save  one.  For  some  cause  the  air  of  the 
valley,  too  often  impregnated  with  moisture  from 
the  sluggish  Abajona,  kept  my  throat  in  an  al- 
most chronic  state  of  irritation,  and  too  fre- 
quently for  days  at  a  time,  I  could  hardly  speak 
above  a  whisper.  Had  it  not  been  for  this  one 
serious  handicap,  I  think  I  would  gladly  have  re- 
mained there  for  life. 

I  kept  a  saddle  horse,  and  often  cantered 
twenty  miles  to  my  father's  house,  and  my  boat 
on  the  lake  furnished  many  a  pleasant  sail  for 
myself  and  pupils. 


104        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

One  incident  shows  the  appreciation  of  my 
pupils  and  neighbors  for  my  efforts  in  their  be- 
half. During  the  first  campaign  of  General 
Grant  for  the  presidency,  many  of  my  pupils  and 

I  joined  the  W Battalion  of   uniformed 

and  torch  bearing  "  Tanners."  "We  marched  to 
the  city  as  an  escort  for  speakers  at  a  Republican 
rally.  When  the  hoodlums  smashed  our  lanterns 
with  rocks,  our  captain,  the  son  of  a  distinguished 
statesman,  retreated  ;  but  I  lost  my  head  and 
charged  the  rioters,  using  my  torch  handle 
vigorously ;  I  was  cut  off  from  my  company  of 
which  I  was  lieutenant,  and  captured  by  the 
Democrats.  As  soon  as  my  men  realized  this, 
they  rushed  upon  my  captors  en  masse;  many 
heads  were  broken,  but  I  was  rescued  and  carried 
to  the  train  on  the  shoulders  of  my  heroic  de- 
fenders. 

If  my  foresight  had  been  half  so  good  as  my 

hindsight,  I  would  never  have  left  W ,  but 

the  tempter  came  in  the  form  of  an  offer  of  a 

much  larger  salary  from  N ,  and  I  foolishly 

accepted. 

The  change  from  W to  IS" ,  was 

like  that  from  breezy,  sunny  green  fields,  where 
wild  birds  sang  their  free,  joyous  songs,  and 
where  wild  flowers  bloomed  free  as  air  exhaling 
their  sweet  perfumes,  to  the  suffocating  air  of  a 
hothouse  where  the  birds  drooped  in  cages  and 


SUNLIGHT  AND  DARKNESS.  105 

where  the  few  flowers  were  forced  into  existence 
by  steam  heat  and  unsavory  fertilizers.  In  the 
former  the  people  were  social,  natural  and  free 
from  the  trammels  of  tyrannical  fashions ;  in  the 
latter  they  were  cold,  distant,  and  valued  you 
according  to  the  size  of  your  bank  account  and 
the  number  of  your  horses  and  servants.  In  the 
one  the  teachers  were  educators,  free  to  develop 
superior  methods  along  their  own  original  lines  ; 
in  the  other  they  were  mere  machines  to  carry 
out  the  ironclad  rules  of  the  opinionated  prec- 
edent-hunting school  board. 

In  the  former  all  seemed  like  one  great  family 
sympathizing  and  loving ;  in  the  latter  the  newly- 
rich  set  the  pace  of  ignoble  luxury  and  display  ; 
while  the  others  aped  their  ways  which  led  many 
to  bankruptcy,  poverty,  and  misery.  In  the  one 
you  were  free  from  all  social  ostracism  if  you 
worshipped  according  to  the  dictates  of  your  own 
conscience ;  in  the  other  you  were  ignored  and 
disliked  unless  you  attended  and  contributed 
liberally  for  the  support  of  the  palatial  orthodox 
church. 

I  was  early  told  that  I  would  fail  if  I  persisted 
in  attending  the  little  Unitarian  church  ;  but  I 
preferred  failure  to  hypocrisy,  and  would  not 
sell  my  birthright  of  conscience  for  a  mess  of 
pottage.  Two  of  my  ancient,  sour-faced  assistants 
were  bigoted  members  of  the  fashionable  church, 


106        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

and  at  once  set  me  down  as  a  corruptor  of  youth 
because  I  was  an  advocate  of  the  liberal  faith. 
The  venomous  spite  of  one  of  these  forcibly  sug- 
gested the  spirit  of  the  inquisition,  and  one  day 
she  found  her  blackboard  decorated  with  the  fol- 
lowing truthful  poem,  suggested  by  her  spirit 
and  the  first  syllable  of  her  name : 

"Old  Aunt  Dunk 
Is  a  mean  old  skunk." 

She  flew  into  a  furious  rage,  declared  that  some 
Unitarian  must  have  perpetrated  this  insult,  and 
that  I  must  find  the  culprit. 

She  never  forgave  me  because  I  failed  to  do 
so,  and  at  her  urgent  solicitation  the  minister, 
after  great  exertion,  secured  a  few  signatures  to 
a  petition  for  my  discharge  on  the  plea  that  I 
chewed  tobacco  and  expectorated  on  the  floor  in 
the  presence  of  my  class.  As  I  easily  proved 
that  I  never  chewed  tobacco,  and  as  my  patrons 
presented  an  overwhelming  protest,  the  prayer  of 
the  petitioners  was  unanimously  refused  by  the 
school  board. 

It  would  have  been  laughable  had  it  not  been 
so  serious  and  pitiful,  to  see  the  frantic  attempts 
of  the  poor  in  this  town  to  keep  up  appearances, 
and  counterfeit  the  style  of  those  who  had  grown 
rich  by  cheating  widows  and  orphans  in  bucket 
shops  and  stock  gambling.     The  little  minnows 


SUNLIGHT  AND  DARKNESS.  107 

put  on  all  the  snobbish  airs  of  the  whales  who 
had  grown  so  large  by  devouring  all  the  small 
fish  in  their  business  seas. 

One  pillar  of  the  church,  who  was  a  cashier, 
ruined  his  bank  by  stealing  money  to  enable  him, 
for  a  while,  to  live  in  an  elegant  house  and  sup- 
port servants,  equipages,  silks  and  diamonds 
galore.  For  a  time  he  was  the  idol  of  the  town, 
while  he  gave  costly  dinners  and  showered  his 
ill-gotten  gains  to  embellish  his  favorite  temple, 
and  to  build  a  tower  upon  it  to  look  down  in 
contempt  upon  all  the  lesser  shrines. 

He  barely  escaped  the  sheriff  at  night-time, 
and  fled  beyond  the  seas,  leaving  his  showy  fam- 
ily to  poverty  and  the  ill-concealed  derision  of 
those  who  worshipped  them  while  they  were 
supposed  to  be  rich. 

Such  as  these  made  life  very  uncomfortable  for 
me,  and  at  the  end  of  my  year,  I  left  in  disgust ; 
never  again  to  resume  the  profession  in  which  I 
had  spent  so  many  years  of  my  somewhat  check- 
ered existence.  My  life  seemed  a  failure ;  I  re- 
flected long  upon  the  question  of  the  Psalmist, 
"  "What  is  man  ? "  and  here  are  the  answers 
which  I  culled  from  many  thoughtful  poets, 
whose  names  are  appended  to  their  several  replies. 

In  this  grand  wheel,  the  world,  we're  spokes  made  all ; — 
(Brome.) 
He  who  climbs  high,  endangers  many  a  fall ; — (Chaucer.) 


108        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

A  passing  gleam  called  life  is  o'er  us  thrown, — {Story.) 

It  glimmers,  like  a  meteor,  and  is  gone. — (Rogers.) 

To-morrow's  sun  to  thee  may  never  rise — (Congreve.) 

The  flower  that  smiles  to-day,  to-morrow  dies — (Shelly.) 

And  what  do  we,  by  all  our  bustle  gain  ? — (Pomfret.) 

A  drop  of  pleasure  in  a  sea  of  pain. —  (Tupper.) 

Tired  of  beliefs,  we  dread  to  live  without ; — (Holmes.) 

Yet  who  knows  most,  the  more  he  knows  to  doubt. — (Daniel.) 

Princes  and  lords  are  but  the  breath  of  kings. — (Burns.) 

And  trifles  make  the  sum  of  human  things. — (More.) 

If  troubles  overtake  thee,  do  not  wail ; — (Herbert.) 

Our  thoughts  are  boundless,  though  our  frames  are  frail. — 
(Percival.) 

The  fiercest  agonies  have  shortest  reign  ; — ( Bryant. ) 

Great  sorrows  have  no  leisure  to  complain. — (Goffe.) 

One  touch  of  nature  makes  the  whole  world  kin, — (Shakes- 
peare. ) 

For  we  the  same  are  that  our  sires  have  been  ;— (Knox. ) 

Nor  is  a  true  soul  ever  born  for  naught, — (Lowell.) 

Yet  millions  never  think  a  noble  thought. — (Bailey.) 

Good  actions  crown  themselves  wTith  lasting  bays, — (Heath.) 

And  God  fulfils  Himself  in  many  ways. — (Tennyson.) 

The  world's  a  wood  in  which  all  lose  their  way — (Bucking- 
ham.) 

A  fair  where  thousands  meet,  but  none  can  stay  ; — (Farckes.) 

To  sport  their  season,  and  be  seen  no  more, — (Coioper.) 

Till  tired  they  sleep,  and  life's  poor  play  is  o'er. — (Pope.) 


CHAPTEK  X. 

ADVENTURES   IN   MOSQUITO-LAND. 

AT  the  close  of  the  school  in  July,  1870,  a 
friend  of  mine,  Doctor  B ,  of  Boston, 

and  I,  attracted  by  the  alluring  prospectus  of  a 
new  town  near  Plymouth,  North  Carolina,  vis- 
ited that  place  via  the  Merchant's  and  Miner's 
steamship  line. 

I  wrote  an  account  of  this  pleasure  excursion, 
which  was  widely  copied  by  northern  newspapers 
in  which  I  figured  as  the  professor  and  he  as 
the  doctor,  while  both  of  us  combined  were 
called  the  "  Shoo-Fly  Club."  I  quote  some  ex- 
tracts from  the  description  of  this  remarkable 
excursion. 

"  On  the  early  morning  after  our  arrival  in  the 
Southland,  doctor  and  professor,  after  a  brief 
sojourn  in  the  arms  of  Morpheus,  awoke  to  a  con- 
test which  was  enough  to  daunt  the  stoutest 
heart. 

"  Mosquitoes  to  the  right  of  them,  mosquitoes 
to  the  left  of  them,  black  flies  above  them,  black 
flies  beneath  them,  buzzed  and  stabbed  with  a 

109 


110        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

vengeance.  We  lay  under  our  netting  appalled 
at  the  profanity  and  ferocity  of  our  foes,  caught 
in  a  trap  from  which  there  seemed  to  be  no  es- 
cape. The  breakfast-bell  rang  and  rang,  but  we 
dared  not  venture  out  among  our  bloodthirsty 
foes,  for  an  array  of  bristling  bayonets  was 
thrust  through  the  bars  long  enough  to  hang  our 
clothes  on,  and  fierce  enough  to  suck  every  drop 
of  blood  from  our  trembling  limbs,  and  our  only 
consolation  was  that  our  invariable  diet  of  '  hog 
and  hominy  '  had  so  reduced  the  vital  fluid,  that 
our  tormentors  would  starve  though  we  were 
slain. 

"  At  length  a  brilliant  thought  flashed  across 
the  mind  of  the  doctor.  '  The  shoo-fly — the  shoo- 
fly,'  said  he ;  why  didn't  we  think  of  that  ?  and 
out  he  went  for  his  carpetbag,  pulled  out  some 
suspicious  looking  bottles  labeled  with  the  mys- 
tic words,  and  made  for  the  bed,  entirely  covered 
with  a  ferocious  cloud  of  the  aforesaid  '  skeeters ' 
and  flies  stabbing  him  for  dear  life.  We  then 
proceeded  to  anoint  our  bodies  with  this  prep- 
aration, which  the  doctor  declared  to  be  a 
panacea  for  all  human  ills  ;  then  completely  clad 
in  our  armor,  we  sallied  forth  to  the  crusade. 
Down  came  the  fiends  ;  they  cared  not  for  'shoo- 
fly,'  cared  not  for  blows,  and  our  visions  of  for- 
tunes to  be  realized  from  our  new  discovery 
vanished  away,  but  not  so  our  tormentors. 


ADVENTURES  IN  MOSQUITO-LAND.  Ill 

"  Regardless  of  Mrs.  Grundy,  regardless  of 
everything  save  life,  the  professor  fled,  down 
over  the  stairs  he  fled,  pants  and  unmentionables 
flying  in  the  air,  to  the  astonishment  of  the  con- 
traband servant  girls,  for  the  bath-house — here 
at  length  plunged  beneath  the  flood  he  found  re- 
lief. After  copious  ablutions  the  professor  went 
back  for  his  friend,  but  the  valiant  doctor  had 
retreated  behind  the  bars,  resolved  there  to 
starve  rather  than  again  to  face  his  foes. 

"  After  much  parleying  the  doctor's  desire  for 
hog  and  hominy  overcame  all  his  fears,  and  the 
club  marched  to  breakfast.  Here  two  servant 
girls  armed  with  long  fans,  fought  a  cloud  of 
the  famished  varmints,  while  the  club  swallowed 
hoe  cake  covered  with  a  copious  lather  of  the 
flies  of  the  season.  At  length  our  appetites  or 
rather  we  ourselves,  were  conquered,  and  retired 
in  disgust,  leaving  our  foes  to  bury  their  dead 
and  divide  the  spoils  of  war. 

"  Our  host,  who  is  a  true  gentleman  from 
Pennsylvania,  then  ordered  the  darkies  to  har- 
ness the  span.  After  the  inevitable  delays 
which  always  attend  everything  that  the  fif- 
teenth amendments  have  undertaken  to  do,  we 
rode  out  to  view  the  country ;  and  we  now  con- 
gratulated ourselves  that  our  troubles  were  at  an 
end,  but  they  had  but  just  commenced.  Our 
host  had  a  lame  hand,  and  the  professor  volun- 


112        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

teered  to  drive ;  our  friends,  the  varmints,  now 
confined  their  kind  attentions  almost  exclusively 
to  the  horses,  which  they  butchered  unmercifully. 
Oh,  such  roads !  Boys  of  New  England,  if  you 
sigh  for  '  sunny '  North  Carolina,  go  ;  go  by  all 
means,  and  you  will  return  satisfied  that  old 
Massachusetts,  with  all  its  east  winds  is  a  para- 
dise compared  with  what  we  saw  in  the  'old 
North  State,'  or  in  the  '  Old  Dominion.' 

"  But  to  our  journey.  The  horses  floundered 
through  quagmires  covered  in  some  places  with 
logs,  which  toss  and  tumble  you  till  every  bone 
aches,  floundered  and  swam  through  streams 
reeking  with  scum  from  the  cypress  swamps  ;  the 
roads  are  about  six  inches  wider  than  your  car- 
riage, and  the  professor  found  himself  obliged  to 
avoid  the  sharp  corners  of  fences,  on  either  side 
the  deep  ditches  on  whose  very  edge  ran  the 
wheels  ;  to  urge  his  horses  over  stumps  and  fallen 
trees ;  to  whip  them  over  long  snouts  of  pros- 
trate pigs  who  refused  to  budge  an  inch ;  to 
jump  them  over  chasms  running  dark  and  deep 
across  his  path  and  to  spur  them  down  sharp, 
perpendicular  pitches  which  threatened  to  break 
every  bone  in  his  body. 

"  Here  and  there  we  saw  a  few  logs  piled  up 
together,  flanked  by  mud  and  sticks,  and  dignified 
by  the  name  of  house ;  the  naked  piccaninnies 
rolled  in  the  dust,  and  the  poor-white  scowled  as 


ADVENTURES  IN  MOSQUITO-LAND.  113 

he  lifted  his  hat,  while  we  worried  our  miserable 
way  along. 

"  Now,  by  the  departure  of  our  friend  to  look 
after  his  business,  the  doctor  and  the  professor 
were  thrown  upon  their  own  resources  for  enjoy- 
ment. After  shooting  at  the  wild  pigs  for  a 
while,  finding  there  was  great  danger  of  their 
being  melted  down  into  their  boots,  they  threw  off 
their  clothes,  and  regardless  of  moccasins,  re- 
gardless of  spiders  and  the  whole  race  of  poison- 
ous  vermin,  they  plunged  to  their  necks  into  the 
ditch  by  the  roadside.  For  long  weary  hours  we 
wallowed  till  the  welcome  form  of  our  host  ap- 
peared, and  we  recommenced  the  pitching  and 
stumbling  of  the  dangerous  return  voyage  of  this, 
our  pleasure  trip. 

"  For  miles  the  tall,  slender  pine  and  cypress- 
trees  festooned  with  moss  and  enormous  Scup- 
pernong  grape-vines,  were  unbroken  by  a  single 
clearing  or  a  single  shanty.  The  Scuppernong 
grapes,  by  the  way,  are  a  great  luxury ;  from 
these  are  made  a  wine  equal  to  anything  that  can 
be  found  (we  believe)  in  the  world.  One  vine  is 
found  on  Koanoke  Island,  which  is  two  miles 
in  length,  covers  several  acres  of  land,  and  was 
planted  by  Sir  Walter  Ealeigh's  expedition,  cen- 
turies ago.  For  miles  that  afternoon,  we  wan- 
dered up  and  down  the  country  seeking  for 
water  fit  to  drink  and  finding  none ;  looking  at 


114        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

the  droves  of  rollicking  darkies,  making  collec- 
tions of  souvenirs,  gazing  at  the  good-looking 
crops  of  corn,  cotton,  sweet  potatoes,  and  still 
fighting  the  aborigines,  the  flies. 

"  We  have  seen  some  toothsome  things  in  the 
South,  some  beautiful  scenes,  but  at  this  season 
of  the  year,  at  least,  the  flies  and  mosquitoes 
ruined  all  as  thoroughly  as  the  harpies  of  olden 
times  defiled  the  feast  of  the  wandering  Trojans. 

"  The  great  gala-day  of  Jamesville  has  dawned, 
to-day  the  great  Norfolk  steamer  honors  the  town 
with  its  presence ;  everybody  (and  some  more) 
comes  down  to  the  wharf  to  see  the  wonderful 
sight.     Here  are  groups  of  '  F.  F.'s '  puffing  their 

long  pipes  and  talking  the  everlasting  '  d n 

nigger ' ;  there  are  crowds  of  '  fifteenth  amend- 
ments '  laughing  and  frolicking  like  children,  and 
here,  too,  the  flea-bitten,  mosquito-stabbed,  black- 
fly  tortured  Doctor  B.  and  Professor  F.,  looking 
northward  as  the  pilgrim  to  his  loved  and  far-off 
Mecca.  A  scream,  a  hurrah,  a  waving  of  hand- 
kerchiefs, and  away  we  go  out  of  the  howling 
wilderness,  all  that  is  left  of  us,  and  but  little 
indeed  that  is. 

"  The  Astoria  is  but  a  wretched  tub,  and  we 
crawl  along  at  the  rate  of  four  or  five  miles  per 
hour,  halting  here  and  there  to  avoid  the  wrecks 
of  the  war,  panting  for  breath,  longing,  '  as  the 
heart  panteth  for  the  water-brook,'  to  see  once 


AD  VENTURES  IN  3I0SQ  VITO-LAND.  115 . 

more  the  shores  of  our  beloved  New  England. 
Never  will  this  excruciating  sail  be  forgotten. 
All  day — all  night,  for  long,  long,  weary  hours, 
the  wretched  little  steamer  groaned  and  screamed 
its  melancholy  way  over  the  yellow,  nasty  Koanoke. 

"Hour  after  hour  we  sat  gazing  at  the  tall 
cypress-trees  and  the  long  trailing  mosses,  look- 
ing like  the  pale  sickly  shrouds  enveloping  a  dead 
and  ruined  world.  Here  and  there  we  saw  huge 
nests  of  the  size  and  shape  of  a  barrel,  and  near, 
on  the  ruined  branch  of  a  lightning-struck  tree, 
perched  on  its  topmost  bough,  the  great  bald 
eagle  of  the  South,  keeping  his  sleepless  watch 
and  ward,  while  the  wife-bird  tended  the  house- 
hold gods  below.  Deadly  moccasins  and  huge 
turtles  lay  listless  in  the  sun,  and  hundreds  of 
bushels  of  blackberries  were  wasting  their  sweet- 
ness on  the  desert  air.  Now  and  then  there 
came  to  us  like  an  inspiration  from  heaven  the 
ecstatic  music  of  the  mockingbird,  carrying 
shame  and  despair  to  the  breasts  of  all  the  other 
warblers  of  the  aerial  choir. 

"Nothing  could  be  more  inspiring  than  the 
notes  of  this  charming  singer,  as  we  listened  to 
them  here  amid  these  melancholy  swamps  ex- 
haling the  sickly  miasma  beneath  this  blighting 
sun,  with  not  a  breath  of  air  to  lift  the  blood  red 
banners  of  the  trumpet  creepers,  or  to  cool  the 
fevered  brow.     Melancholy  wailings  are   heard 


116        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

from  the  swamps,  and  the  waves  in  parting,  look 
like  fields  of  fire.  The  winds  come  to  us,  but 
with  them  no  refreshing,  for  they  came  over  mile 
after  mile  of  suffocating,  reeking  lagoons,  stifling 
with  the  hot  breath  of  the  miasma. 

"  Every  now  and  then  the  Kip  Van  Winkle 
machinery  breaks  down,  and  for  hours  we  are 
motionless,  listening  per  force  to  the  terrific 
cursing  and  pounding  in  the  Vulcanic  realms  be- 
low. At  length  the  sun,  not  like  the  rosy-fin- 
gered Aurora,  daughter  of  the  dawn,  but  like  a 
huge  red  monster  intent  on  devouring  the  world, 
shoots  at  us  his  blighting,  withering  lances  of 
scorching  heat.  We  touch  once  more  at  Ply- 
mouth, which  greets  us  with  its  usual  entertain- 
ment of  murderous  fleas,  death-dealing  water- 
melons and  chain-lightning  whiskey.  Our  ten 
minute  touch  here  lengthened  into  three  horrid 
sweltering  hours  owing  to  the  fact,  that  the  in- 
telligent contrabands  were  paid  by  the  hour  for 
'  toting '  the  cargo ;  but  off  we  are  at  last,  thank 
heaven,  and  at  length  we  enter  the  great  canal 
leading  to  the  North  River  of  Norfolk. 

"  With  chat  and  jest  we  were  worrying  away 
the  leaden-winged  hours,  when  suddenly  thug, 
splash,  and  like  a  huge  turtle  we  were  flounder- 
ing in  the  mud.  '  No  moving,'  said  the  captain, 
'  till  the  tide  comes  up ; '  and  so  for  three  mortal 
hours  we  lay  stuck  in  the  mud  at  the  edge  of  the 


ADVENTURES  IN  MOSQUITO-LAND.  117 

great  dismal  swamp  of  Virginia.  '  Ah,'  said  the 
mate,  '  there  is  the  scene  of  many  a  horror,  there 
the  nigger  was  torn  limb  from  limb  by  the  blood- 
hounds, there  the  runaway  slave  chose  to  endure 
starvation  and  death  amid  deadly  snakes  and 
miasma  rather  than  comfort  in  bondage  ;  there  I 
myself  saw  crowds  of  black  men  swinging  from 
limb  to  limb  like  monkeys  over  reeking  scums  to 
their  fever-haunted  dens  to  escape  the  lash.' 

"  Thus  was  the  story  of  Mrs.  Harriet  Beecher 
Stowe  verified  by  one  of  Virginia's  own  sons. 
All  the  fearful  word  paintings  of  Dred  floated 
again  before  our  mental  vision,  and  we  thanked 
God  that  the  old  horror  of  slavery  is  passed,  and 
that  the  old  flag  now  floats  indeed  '  o'er  the  land 
of  the  free  and  the  home  of  the  brave.' 

"But  these  hours  of  waiting,  like  all  things 
earthly,  at  length  had  their  end,  and  just  as  the 
moon  gilded  the  cypress-trees  with  golden  glory, 
the  wheels  began  to  move  and  we  again  worried 
our  tortuous  way  up  the  North  River.  'Ah,' 
said  the  melancholy-looking  man  who  had  been 
long  gazing  in  silence  at  the  sad  waves  below, 
1  alas,  here  I  am,  friendless  and  alone  in  this 
wretched  country,  peddling  beeswax  and  eggs  for 
hog  and  hominy,  chills  and  fever ;  but  I  was 
once  a  schoolmaster  with  $1,200  a  year,  down  in 
Connecticut ;  wine  and  women  did  it.  But,'  said 
he,  '  I'll  be  rich  yet — I've  got  it — I've  discovered 


118        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

perpetual  motion,  and  the  world  will  honor  me 
yet.' 

" '  Wish  you  would  apply  it  to  this  old  tub  at 
once,'  said  the  professor ;  and  the  forlorn  peddler 
went  his  way  to  cherish  visions  of  coming  glory. 
Just  then  we  were  electrified  by  a  cheer  from  the 
doctor,  as  the  lights  of  Norfolk  flashed  over  this 
splendid  harbor,  yet  to  float  the  commerce  of  a 
great  city. 

"  We  bade  farewell  without  a  single  regret  to 
the  old  tub  Astoria,  and  entered  the  narrow 
streets,  reeking  with  the  horrors  of  a  thousand 
and  one  stenches,  stumbling  over  the  prostrate 
forms  of  sleeping  negroes  to  the  hotel,  where  we 
indulged  once  more  in  the  luxury  of  a  bath,  which 
the  nasty  water  of  North  Carolina  had  forbidden 
for  many  weary  days.  Suddenly  the  city  was 
aroused  by  the  roll  of  drums  and  the  shouts  of  hun- 
dreds, calling  to  a  mass  meeting  in  Court  House 
Square.  Thither  we  followed  the  crowd,  listening 
for  awhile  to  the  blatant  Southern  orators  roar- 
ing about  the  future  greatness  of  the  '  Mother  of 
Presidents,'  deploring  the  reign  of  carpet-baggers 
and  calling  for  a  white  man's  government  amidst 
the  shouts  of  the  great  unwashed ;  while  the  sons 
of  Ham  looked  silently  and  sullenly  on. 

"  We  gladly  responded  to  the  steamer's  shrill 
call  and  sailed  away  to  our  home  in  the  great 
and  glorious  North." 


CHAPTER    XL 

IN  ARCADIE. 

I  GLADLY  returned,  like  a  tired  child,  to  the 
kindly  faces  and  hearty  greetings  of  my 
loving  and  much  loved  father,  mother,  brothers, 
green  fields,  and  all  the  beautiful  children  of 
summer. 

"  Born  where  the  night  owl  hooted  to  the  stars, 
Cradled  where  sunshine  crept  through  leafy  bars  ; 
Reared  where  wild  roses  bloomed  most  fair, 
And  songs  of  meadow  larks  made  glad  the  summer  air, 

"  Each  dainty  zephyr  whispers  follow  me, 
Ten  thousand  leaflets  beckon  from  each  tree  ■ 
All  say,  '  why  give  a  life  to  longings  vain  ? 
Leave  fame  and  gold  :  come  home  :  come  home  again.' 

"  I  hear  the  forest  murmuring  '  he  has  come  ' 
A  feathered  chorus'  joyous  welcome  home  ; 
Each  flower  that  nods  a  greeting  seems  a  part 
Of  nature's  welcome  back  to  nature's  heart." 

The  old  home  was  much  changed,  and  for  the 
better.  With  much  patient  toil,  the  unsightly 
rocks  and  stumps  had  been  removed  from  the 
fields  which  sloped  gracefully  to  the  little  river 
and  were  covered  with  tall,  waving,  luxuriant 

119 


120        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

grasses,  starred  with  buttercups,  clover,  and 
daisies.  The  dilapidated  house  and  barn  had 
given  place  to  modern  buildings;  apple,  pear, 
and  peach-trees,  covered  with  fragrant  blossoms 
were  substituted  for  their  decayed  and  skeleton 
prototypes ;  the  narrow,  crooked,  muddy  lane, 
where  horses  and  wagons  had  struggled  through 
the  knee-deep,  and  often  hub-deep  sticky  clay, 
had  become  a  firm  and  fairly  straight  highway. 

My  house  in  the  tree  on  the  hilltop,  where  I 
had  often  rehearsed  my  orations  and  sermons 
in  such  stentorian  tones  that  the  amazed  cows 
lifted  their  tails  on  high  and  took  to  their  heels, 
welcomed  me  back  embowered  in  leafy  new- 
grown  branches. 

My  second  brother,  realizing  that  as  "unto 
the  bow  the  cord  is,  as  unto  the  child  the  mother, 
so  unto  man  the  woman  is — useless  one  with- 
out the  other,"  had  taken  unto  himself  a  good 
wife,  the  daughter  of  the  deacon,  our  next 
neighbor.  My  mother  thus  had  a  much  needed 
helper,  as  their  farms,  like  their  owners,  were 
joined  in  wedlock. 

The  worthy  deacon  and  my  deeply  religious 
father  alternately  led  the  family  devotions,  and 
peace  and  comfort  prevailed.  The  mowing 
machine,  horse-hoe,  corn-planter  and  power-rake 
dispensed  with  the  drudgery  of  the  scythe  and 
back-breaking  hand  tools.      A  protective  tariff 


I  Rehearsed  My  Orations  with  Startling  Effect. 


IN  ARCADIE.  123 

had  set  the  mill  wheels  rolling  in  the  neighbor- 
ing cities,  thus  furnishing  excellent  markets  for 
all  the  products  of  the  farm.  The  sky-scraping 
shoe  manufactories,  where  men,  like  automatons, 
delved  night  and  day  for  a  few  weeks  and  then 
leaving  them  to  semi-starvation  for  the  rest  of 
the  year,  had  not  yet  arrived. 

One  of  my  brothers  had,  like  most  of  the 
farmers  of  that  day,  his  little  shop  where  in 
winter  he  coined  a  few  hundred  dollars  making 
boots  and  shoes,  and  where  I  earned  many 
precious  pennies,  blackballing  the  edges  and 
occasionally  pegging  by  hand,  all  of  which  is 
now  done  by  machinery. 

We  could  now  afford  occasional  holidays, 
when  we  all  gaily  sailed  down  the  river,  dug 
clams,  caught  lobsters  in  nets,  regaled  ourselves 
with  toothsome  chowders,  broils  and  stews  in 
the  open  air,  and  had  many  rollicking  good 
times  swimming  in  the  breakers,  frolicking,  old 
and  young,  like  children.  We  pitched  our  tents 
on  old  Bar  Island,  slept  on  the  fragrant  hay  at 
night,  played  ball,  and  renewed  our  youth  in- 
haling deep  draughts  of  the  salty  wind  which 
bloweth  in  from  the  sea. 

When  sailing  home  one  day  with  a  wet  sheet, 
a  flowing  main,  and  a  breeze  following  far  abaft, 
we  espied  a  boat  submerged  to  the  gunwhale 
floating  out  to  sea.     Throwing  our  yacht  up  into 


124        THE  GENTLEMAN  FR031  EVERYWHERE. 

the  wind,  we  took  the  craft  in  tow  to  the  land- 
ing, and  were  surprised  and  delighted  beyond 
measure  to  find  it  nearly  half  full  of  fine  large 
lobsters,  held  there  by  a  wire  netting.  For 
weeks  we  and  all  the  neighbors  held  high 
carnival  boiling  and  eating  the  luscious  crust- 
aceans. 

We  had  much  merriment  one  day  on  a  fishing 
excursion  at  the  expense  of  a  parsimonious  mem- 
ber of  our  crew.  At  first  he  alone  pulled  in  the 
much  prized  tomcods  and  flounders.  "  Well," 
said  he,  "  I  think  we  better  go  in,  each  one  for 
himself."  "  All  right,"  was  the  reply,  but  soon 
stingy  ceased  to  catch  any,  while  the  rest  of  us 
pulled  in  the  fish  as  fast  as  we  could  throw  the 
hooks.  Mr.  Greedy  looked  very  solemn,  and  at 
last,  unable  to  repress  his  selfishness  longer, 
shouted  :  "  I  think  we  better  share  all  alike  !  " 
"Too  late,"  was  the  chorus,  and  while  he  carried 
home  but  a  beggarly  string,  the  rest  rejoiced  in 
our  great  abundance. 

These  seem  like  little  incidents,  light  as  airy 
nothings,  but  they  come  back  to  memory  in  the 
twilight  of  life  when  other  and  greater  events 
are  all  forgotten. 

When  the  crops  were  all  harvested,  and  the 
winds  and  snows  of  winter  shut  me  out  from  my 
woodland,  river,  and  seashore  haunts,  I  grew 
weary  of  the  monotony  of  the  indoor  country 


IN  ABCADIE.  125 

life,  and  once  more  went  to  the  city  of  Boston 
in  the  endless  quest  of  the  unattainable. 

Restless  as  the  sea,  we  are  never  satisfied  this 
side  the  stars ;  but  we  are  all  looking  forward  to 
that  sweet  by  and  by,  "  as  the  hart  panteth  for 
the  water  brook." 

I  shall  be  satisfied,  not  here,  not  here 

Not    where    the    sparkling  waters  fade  into  mocking 
sands  as  we  draw  near, 
Where  in  the  wilderness  each  footstep  falters, 

I  shall  be  satisfied  ;    but,  oh,  not  here. 

Not  here,  where  every  dream  of  bliss  deceives  us, 
Where  the  worn  spirit  never  finds  its  goal, 

But  haunted  ever  by  thoughts  that  grieve  us, 
Across  our  souls  floods  of  bitter  memories  roll. 

Satisfied,  satisfied,  the  soul's  vague  longing, 
The  aching  void,  which  nothing  earthly  fills, 

Oh,  what  desires  upon  my  mind  are  thronging, 
As  my  eyes  turn  upward  to  the  heavenly  hills  ! 

Shall  they  be  satisfied,  the  spirit's  yearning, 
For  sweet  communion  with  kindred  minds  ? 

The  silent  love  that  here  meets  no  returning, 
The  inspiration,  which  no  language  finds  ? 

There  is  a  land,  where  every  pulse  is  thrilling, 
With  rapture,  earth's  sojourners  may  not  know, 

Where  heaven's  repose  the  weary  heart  is  stilling, 
And  peacefully  earth's  storm-tossed  currents  flow. 

Far  out  of  sight,  while  yet  the  flesh  enfolds  us, 
Lies  that  fair  country,  where  our  hearts  abide, 

And,  of  its  bliss,  naught  more  wondrous  is  told  us, 
Than  these  few  words,  I  shall  be  satisfied. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

FROM   PHILISTINE   TO   BENEDICT  AND  A  HONEY- 
MOON. 

THE  fates,  who  lead  the  willing  and  drive  the 
unwilling,  guided  me  to  the  old  time  firm 
of  B.  &  T.  publishers.  They  were  overwhelmed 
with  applications  from  the  great  army  of  the 
impecunious,  and  did  not  wish  to  pay  any  more 
salaries;  but  "mercy  tempers  the  blast  to  the 
shorn  lamb,"  and  they  persuaded  me,  by  a  tender 
of  large  profits  on  their  Worcester's  Dictionaries, 
to  strike  out  on  my  own  hook  and  endeavor  to 
induce  a  reluctant  public  to  buy  these  instead  of 
the  popular  dictionaries  written  by  "  Noah  Web- 
ster who  came  over  in  the  ark." 

The  special  prices  granted  by  the  publishers 
enabled  me  to  undersell  the  wholesalers,  and  by 
securing  their  adoption  as  regular  text-books  by 
school  boards,  I  made  more  money  than  ever  be- 
fore in  my  life,  sometimes  from  $25  to  $100  per 
day,  consequently  the  firm  finding  I  was  filling 
the  markets  and  my  own  pockets  so  that  they 
had  no  sales  at  regular  prices,  hired  me   at  a 

126 


FROM  PHILISTINE  TO  BENEDICT.  127 

liberal  salary  as  representative  of  all  their  pub- 
lications. 

In  this  business  I  won  my  "  double  stars,"  al- 
though the  competition  was  intense.  I  often 
found  as  many  as  twenty  agents  at  the  same 
time  and  in  the  same  town,  log-rolling  with 
school  committees  for  the  adoption  of  their 
books,  the  merits  of  the  publications  "  cut  but 
little  ice."  Nearly  every  school  official  "  had  his 
price,"  wanting  to  know  what  there  was  in  his 
vote  for  him,  and  the  agent  who  best  concealed 
the  bribery  hook  by  dining  and  wining  teachers 
and  committeemen,  filling  their  libraries  with 
complimentary  books  and  their  pockets  with 
secret  commissions,  "  caught  the  most  fish." 

"When  among  Eomans,  I  was,  much  to  my  dis- 
gust, obliged  to  do  as  Eomans  did.  I  would  often 
go  to  cities  where  my  opponent's  readers  or  arith- 
metics had  been  adopted  the  night  before,  point 
out  the  defects  of  rival  publications,  give  an  un- 
abridged dictionary  to  each  official,  offer  a  ten 
per  cent,  commission  to  the  "  king  pin,"  take  the 
board  in  a  hack  to  their  headquarters,  secure  a 
reconsideration,  telegraph  for  my  books,  and  the 
next  day  with  express  wagons  and  helpers,  put 
our  readers  into  every  school  in  the  town. 

This  was  sharp  practice,  prices  were  cut,  until 
finally,  we  gave  new  books  in  even  exchange  for 
old  ones,  trusting  to  future  sales  to  reimburse  us, 


128        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

but  when  they  needed  another  supply,  they 
would  swap  even  with  another  publisher,  so  that 
our  bread  cast  upon  the  waters  never  returned. 

We  often  secured  "  louder  calls  "  for  influential 
teachers  and  clergymen  in  reciprocation  for  their 
votes,  bought  anything  they  had  to  sell  at  their 
own  prices  until  many  publishers  became  bank- 
rupt ;  the  big  fish  swallowing  the  little  ones,  and 
then  came  the  survival  of  the  longest  purse. 

One  evening,  after  my  day's  work  in  the  city 

of  G was  ended,  being  lonesome  in  my  hotel, 

I  thought  of  a  family  residing  there  who  had  a 

summer  residence  in  R ,  and  concluded  to 

renew  my  acquaintance  with  the  eldest  daughter 
with  whom  I  had  enjoyed  many  rides  and  sails, 
and  to  whom  I  had  quoted  many  romantic  poems 
the  previous  season. 

With  fear  and  trembling,  for  I  was  always  a 
bashful  youth,  I  rang  the  door  bell,  and  was 
ushered  into  the  parlor  where  I  caught  my  first 
glimpse  of  a  fair-haired,  rosy-cheeked,  graceful 
younger  sister  to  whom,  at  a  glance,  I  knew  I  was 
married  in  heaven. 

Whence  came  that  vital  spark  blending  our 
souls  in  one  ?  Had  we  lived  and  loved  on  some 
fairer  shore  ?  Who  can  tell  ?  Had  our  spirits 
been  wandering  through  the  universe  millions  of 
years  seeking  each  the  other,  nor  finding  rest 
until  we  met  ?     Only  the  angels  know. 


FE03I  PHILISTINE  TO  BENEDICT.  129 

All  we  knew  and  all  we  seemed  to  care  to 
know  was  that  at  last  each  had  found  the  "  alter 
ego  "  for  which  it  pined.  There  were  no  others 
on  earth — father,  mother,  sister,  brothers,  came 
and  went  almost  unheeded.  Strange  as  it  may 
seem,  on  this  evening  of  our  first  meeting,  we 
told  each  other  the  old,  old  story,  first  told  in 
Eden,  reiterated  by  millions  since,  and  will  con- 
tinue to  be  rehearsed  until  Gabriel  through  his 
trumpet  sounds  the  final  love  song  to  the  world. 

With  favoring  winds,  o'er  sunlit  seas, 
We  sailed  for  the  Hesperides, 
The  land  where  golden  apples  grow ; 
But  that,  ah  that  was  long  ago. 

How  far,  since  then,  the  ocean  streams 
Have  swept  us  from  that  land  of  dreams, 
That  land  of  fiction  and  of  truth, 
The  lost  Atlantis  of  our  youth. 

Ultima  Thule,  utmost  isle, 
Here  in  thy  harbors  for  a  while, 
We  lower  our  sails  ;  awhile  we  rest 
From  the  unceasing,  endless  quest. 

For  a  long  time  I  had  divided  homes  and  a  di- 
vided heart,  one  at  the  old  home  with  the  old 
folks,  the  other  in  the  city  by  the  sea. 

In  our  new-born  and  first-born  enthusiasm,  we 
applied  to  Mary's  parents  for  an  early  union  of 
hands  as  well  as  hearts  ;  but  they  wisely  insisted 
upon  a  year's  interim,  promising  that,  if  at  the 


130        TEE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVEBYWEERE. 

end  of  this  trial  time  our  ardor  had  not  cooled, 
they  and  the  minister  would  "  bless  you  my  chil- 
dren," and  our  hearts  should  beat  as  one  for- 
evermore. 

The  course  of  true  love  never  did  run  smooth, 
and  when  the  claiming  day  arrived,  Mary's 
mother  told  me  that  she  had  been  credibly  in- 
formed that  another  girl  had  a  prior  claim  to  my 
promised  hand.  I  protested  in  vain,  and,  as  the 
daughter  was  invisible,  I  left  the  house  in  a 
rage. 

A  week,  which  seemed  like  a  century,  passed 
by  on  leaden  wings  in  which  I  strove  to  drown 
my  sorrows  in  the  "  flowing  bowl "  of  hard  work, 
and  foolish  declarations  that  "  I  didn't  care " ; 

then  came  a  kind  letter  from  Alderman  B , 

gracefully  apologizing  for  his  wife's  mistaken 
assertions,  stating  that  "  Mary  was  giving  them 
no  peace  day  or  night,"  and  inviting  me  to  call 
at  my  earliest  convenience. 

The  very  next  train  took  me  to  the  old  familiar 
trysting-place,  once  more  the  white-winged  clove 

of  peace  brooded  over  the  B mansion,  and 

we  all,  especially  the  parents,  fully  realized  that 
in  order  to  appreciate  heaven  we  must  have  at 
least  seven  days  of  hell. 

Shortly  after,  at  the  home  of  the  bride's  par- 
ents, we  twain  were  made  one  in  the  presence  of 
numerous  friends  and  presents ;   the   old  shoes 


FROM  PHILISTINE  TO  BENEDICT.  131 

and  rice  were  duly  showered,  and  we  were  off 
for  a  month's  tour,  and  a  lifelong  honeymoon. 

During  this  wedding  tour,  at  the  request  of  my 
employers,  I  combined  business  with  pleasure, 
the  firm  generously  paying  all  our  expenses,  and 
continuing  my  salary. 

We  visited  many  cities,  greatly  enjoying  their 
varied  attractions ;  but  the  business  part  of  our 
journey,  which  was  collecting  large  sums  of 
money  due  for  books,  was  not  particularly  de- 
lightful, as  the  banks  had  all  suspended  specie 
payments  as  a  result  of  the  "  green  back  craze," 
and  I  was  often  obliged  to  resort  to  legal 
measures  and  attachments  of  property,  to  secure 
from  reluctant  book  sellers  the  sums  long  over- 
due. 

At  one  hotel  we  met  with  an  adventure  which 
well-nigh  proved  serious.  I  was  awakened  at 
night  by  the  flash  from  a  bull's  eye  lantern,  a 
sense  of  suffocation  and  a  scream  from  my  wife. 
A  masked  burglar  was  before  me,  pressing  to  my 
face  a  handkerchief  saturated  with  chloroform, 
and  endeavoring  to  take  from  under  the  mattress 
a  large  sum  of  money  which  I  had  collected  the 
day  before. 

"No  noise,"  said  he,  "your  money  or  your 
life." 

"All  right,"  said  I  quietly,  "I'll  get  it  for 
you."     He  stepped  back  a  pace,  I  quickly  pulled 


132        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

from  under  the  pillow  my  self-cocking  revolver, 
and  fired  in  rapid  succession. 

His  pistol  exploded  at  nearly  the  same  time, 
he  dropped  to  the  floor,  his  light  vanished,  and 
for  a  time  all  was  darkness  and  suspense.  I  ex- 
pected another  bullet  any  moment,  and  seeing 
nothing  to  fire  at  myself,  feared  to  jump  from 
the  bed  lest  I  be  seized  by  invisible  hands  of  the 
desperate  villain.  Then  came  shouts  and  pound- 
ing upon  the  door  by  neighbors  aroused  by  the 
uproar.  Encouraged  by  the  reinforcements,  I 
struck  a  light  but  the  ruffian  had  escaped  through 
the  open  window  on  to  a  piazza  roof,  thence  by 
a  pillar  to  the  ground. 

Then  we  were  besieged  by  excited  inquirers, 
and  the  rosy-fingered  Aurora,  daughter  of  the 
dawn,  appeared  before  the  calm  which  succeeded 
the  storm. 

Shortly  after  our  return  from  this  journey,  a 
great  light  went  out  on  earth  to  shine  in  heaven. 
My  wife's  father  suddenly  left  the  body, — he  did 
not  die,  for 

There  is  no  death,  what  seems  so  is  transition, 

This  life  of  mortal  breath 
Is  but  a  suburb  of  the  life  Elysian, 

Whose  portal  we  call  death. 

Alderman  B was   a  gentleman  of  the 

old   school,  a   loving   father,  a   very  successful 


FROM  PHILISTINE  TO  BENEDICT.  133 

business  man,  managing  marine  railways,  ship- 
building and  repairing,  as  well  as  grain  mills. 
"We  missed  him  sadly ;  but  were  consoled  by  the 
reflection  that  our  great  loss  was  his  eternal 
gain. 

My  eldest  brother,  and  two  of  my  brother 
Mark's  children,  at  about  this  time  crossed  the 
same  bright  river  and  rested  under  the  shade  of 
the  celestial  trees. 

Myself    and   wife    had    intended    to    live   in 

G ,  but  as  her  father  was  gone,  and  as  she 

had  formed  a  strong  mutual  attachment  for  my 
family,  my  wife  the  following  summer  took  much 
pleasure  in  building  a  handsome  cottage  nearly 
opposite  my  father's  house,  and  on  a  beautiful 
lot  of  land  given  us  by  my  brother.  We  formed 
a  literary  and  musical  club,  which  met  weekly  at 
our  house,  making  it  the  social  centre  of  the  en- 
tire town. 

I  was  elected  chairman  of  the  school  com- 
mittee, and  proceeded  vigorously  in  a  crusade 
against  ignorance ;  but  soon  found  that  the  life 
of  a  reformer  is  crowned  with  more  thorns  than 
roses,  a  thousandfold  !  I  removed  incompetent 
teachers  who,  by  their  silly  question  and  answer 
methods,  were  producing  parrots — not  scholars. 

On  one  occasion,  when  I  substituted  a  trained 
normal  school  graduate  for  a  useless  dancing  doll 
who    had   made   herself    popular   by    flattering 


134        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

parents  and  coddling  their  children,  all  pupils 
were  withdrawn  from  the  school.  I  told  the  new 
teacher  to  ring  the  bell,  take  in  sewing  if  she 
wished,  and  draw  her  salary  even  if  she  was  left 
alone  in  her  glory ;  then  I  notified  the  parents 
that  unless  they  at  once  sent  their  children  to 
the  school,  I  should  have  the  pupils  arrested  for 
truancy,  and  themselves  fined  for  violating  the 
laws  of  the  state.  Moral  suasion  had  failed ;  but 
the  strong  arm  of  the  law  prevailed,  and  they 
soon  acknowledged  that  the  new  instruction  was 
the  best  they  had  ever  had  in  the  district. 

Much  time  had  hitherto  been  worse  than  wasted 
by  cramming  the  minds  with  the  jaw-breaking 
names  of  unimportant  rivers,  mountains,  descrip- 
tions of  all  the  frog  ponds  in  Ethiopia,  and  other 
useless  trash  in  the  so-called  geographies ;  in 
memorizing  the  obsolete  rules  of  duodecimals, 
compound  proportion,  etc.,  in  the  arithmetic ; 
long-winded,  unpractical  rules  for  grammar,  etc. 

I  issued  a  circular  eliminating  this  trash  from 
the  course  of  study,  substituting  the  practical 
short  cuts  of  modern  business  principles,  and  in 
this,  also,  I  met  with  opposition  from  the  "  moss- 
backs,"  who  insisted  that  what  they  had  learned 
in  the  year  one  was  good  enough  for  their  chil- 
dren ;  they  wanted  no  "  new-fangled  "  notions. 

They  reminded  me  of  the  way-back-hard-shell 
preacher  whose  hymn  book  had  been  stuffed  with 


FROM  PHILISTINE  TO  BENEDICT.  135 

profane  poems  by  some  lewd  fellows  of  the  baser 
sort.  He  always  opened  at  random  and,  trusting 
to  divine  guidance,  read  the  first  hymn  that  pre- 
sented itself ;  he  commenced :  "  We  will  sing  to- 
gether the  one  thousand  three  hundred  and  forty 
'leventh  hime." 

'"All  around  the  cobbler's  bench  the  monkey  chased   the 
weasel  — ' " 

He  was  amazed ;  the  congregation  was  dumb- 
founded. Taking  off  his  spectacles,  wiping  them 
carefully,  he  put  them  on  his  nose  again,  gazed 
at  the  book  in  consternation :  "  Well,"  said  he, 
"  I  never  seed  that  hime  in  this  yer  hime-book 
before ;  but  the  Lord  put  it  in,  and  we'll  sing  it 
whir  or  no,"  and  proceeded  : 

"  'The  preacher  kissed  the  cobbler's  wife,  pop  goes  the  weasel. '  " 

As  I  have  said  before,  it  requires  a  surgical  op- 
eration to  get  progressive  ideas  through  our  thick 
heads ;  but  the  knife  was  used  freely  by  me,  and 
I  had  the  satisfaction  as  well  as  the  odium  of  in- 
fusing much  young  blood  into  the  worn  out  edu- 
cational body  during  my  two  years'  service  as 
school  superintendent  in  this  town. 

A  few  of  us  wasted  our  money  in  building  a 
new  church,  dedicated  to  the  teaching  of  the  ad- 
vanced thoughts  of  the  liberal  faith  ;  but  the  peo- 
ple were  joined  to  their  idols,  and  it  is  now  de- 


136        TEE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

serted,  though  the  "  little  leaven  has  largely  leav- 
ened the  whole  lump "  of  the  ancient  hell  fire 
theology. 

It  is  very,  very  hard  to  endure  the  slings  and 
arrows  of  the  jealous  and  envious  for  whose  good 
you  are  toiling ;  to  be  slandered  and  reviled  by 
your  neighbors  whose  feeble  intellects  fail  to  ap- 
preciate your  strenuous  efforts  to  push  forward 
the  car  of  progress  in  their  midst ;  but  the  conso- 
lations expressed  in  this  poem  bring  balm  to 
every  wounded  spirit. 

"I  know  as  my  life  grows  older, 

And  mine  eyes  have  clearer  sight, 
That  under  each  rank  wrong,  somewhere, 

There  lies  the  root  of  right. 
That  each  sorrow  has  its  purpose 

By  the  suffering  oft  unguessed; 
But  as  sure  as  the  sun  brings  morning, 

Whatever  is,  is  best. 

' '  I  know  that  each  sinful  action, 

As  sure  as  the  night  brings  shade, 
Is  some  time,  somewhere  punished, 

Though  the  hour  be  long  delayed. 
I  know  that  the  soul  is  aided 

Sometimes,  by  the  heart's  unrest, 
And  to  grow,  means  often  to  suffer  ; 

But  whatever  is,  is  best. 

"  I  know  there  are  no  errors 
In  the  great  eternal  plan, 
And  all  things  work  together 
For  the  final  good  of  man. 


FROM  PHILISTINE  TO  BENEDICT. 


137 


And  I  know  when  my  soul  speeds  onward 

In  the  grand  eternal  quest, 
I  shall  say.  as  I  look  earthward, 

Whatever  is,  is  best." 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

THE  ANGELS  OF  LIFE  AND  DEATH. 

BY  and  by  unwonted  silence  and  anxiety 
reigned  in  our  house.  The  family  doctor 
remained  all  night,  then  a  faint  cry  was  heard, 
and  little  baby  May  came  into  this  world  of  ours, 

"  The  gates  of  heaven  were  left  ajar  ; 

With  clasping  hands  and  dreamy  eyes, 
Wandering  out  of  paradise, 
She  saw  this  planet,  like  a  star  ; 
We  felt  we  had  a  link  between 
This  real  world  and  that  unseen. ' ' 

These  beautiful  lines  of  one  of  the  sweetest  of 
earth's  singers,  came  to  us  like  a  new  revelation 
at  the  advent  of  our  first-born,  as  also  those  other 
immortal  words  — 

' '  Our  birth  is  but  a  sleep  and  a  forgetting, 
The  soul  that  rises  with  us,  our  life's  star, 
Hath  had  elsewhere  its  setting, 

And  cometh  from  afar. 
Not  in  entire  forgetfulness 
And  not  in  utter  nakedness, 
But  trailing  clouds  of  glory  do  we  come 
From  heaven,  which  is  our  home. ' ' 

Our  little  vocalist  commenced  rehearsing  for 
her  chosen  profession  the  very  minute  that  she 

138 


THE  ANGELS  OF  LIFE  AND  DEATH.  139 

first  saw  the  light,  and  she  certainly  continued 
the  development  of  her  lungs  with  marvelous  per- 
sistency. Then  her  numerous  grandparents,  un- 
cles, and  aunts  all  vied  with  each  other  in  petting 
and  spoiling  the  one  pet  lamb  of  the  several  fam- 
ilies, and  she  basked  in  the  sunshine  of  unlimited 
affection. 

A  few  bright  years  sped  by,  all  roseate  with 
love,  prosperity  and  contentment  in  this  happy 
valley.  Then  two  little  cherubs,  just  alike  as 
"  two  peas  in  a  pod  "  came  to  us  at  dawn  of  day, 
like  twin  rays  from  the  rising  sun,  their  blue 
eyes  beaming  with  smiles  which  have  continued 
ever  since. 

"We  named  them  Ada  and  Ida:  but  were 
obliged  to  label  them  to  tell  "which  was  which," 
and  said  label  is  essential  for  distinguishment  to 
this  very  day,  though  twenty-four  bright  sum- 
mers have  passed  since  the  sight  of  them  first 
gladdened  our  hearts. 

But  almost  with  the  sunbeams  came  the  terri- 
ble cloud  overspreading  all  our  lives.  The 
mother  had  scarcely  welcomed  the  twin  buds  of 
promise,  when  she  faded  away  like  a  flower  and 
was 

"Gone  beyond  the  darksome  river, 
Only  left  us  by  the  way ; 
Gone  beyond  the  night  forever, 
Only  gone  to  endless  day ; 


140        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

Gone  to  meet  the  angel  faces, 
Where  our  lovely  treasures  are; 

Gone  awhile  from  our  embraces, 
Gone  within  the  gates  ajar." 

There  seemed  to  be  no  light  left  on  earth  ;  the 
sun  was  blotted  out  forever, 

Oh  glory  of  our  youth  that  so  suddenly  decays  ! 

Oh  crimson  flush  of  morning  that  darkens  as  we  gaze  ! 

Oh  breath  of  summer  blossoms  that  on  the  restless  air 

Scatters  a  moment's  sweetness,  and  flies  we  know  not  where  ! 

"  A  boat  at  midnight  sent  alone 
To  drift  upon  the  moonless  sea  ; 
A  lute  whose  leading  chord  is  gone  ; 
A  wounded  bird  that  hath  but  one 
Imperfect  wing  to  soar  upon, 

Are  like  me 
Oh  loved  one,  without  thee  ; ' ' 

but  the  pitiful  wailings  of  the  twin  girl  babies 
called  me  back  to  earth  again,  and  I  took  up  the 
cares  of  existence,  though  they  seemed  greater 
than  I  could  bear. 

The  largest  church  in  the  village  was  filled  to 
overflowing  with  sincere  mourners,  for  the  sweet 
face  of  the  departed  had  brought  good  cheer  into 
many  darkened  households  in  our  town.  All 
sectarian  barriers  were  for  the  time  burned  away 
by  the  flame  of  sympathy,  and  wonderful  to  tell, 
the  Universalist  clergyman  who  married  us  was 
allowed  to  pronounce  the  eulogy  in  an  orthodox 
Congregational  church. 


THE  ANGELS  OF  LIFE  AND  DEATH.  141 

When  the  organ  pealed  the  requiem  and 
the  choir  chanted  the  ever  dear  words  of  the 
hymn  — 

"Only  waiting  till  the  shadows  are  a  little  longer  grown," 

and  closing  with  the  triumphant  expression  of  a 
deathless  faith;  it  required  but  a  little  imagina- 
tion to  see  the  light  streaming  through  the  open 
door  of  heaven,  and  to  hear  the  responses  of  the 
angel  choir  from  the  great  cathedral  on  high,  and 
we  wended  our  homeward  way  thinking  not  of 
"dust  to  dust,  ashes  to  ashes,"  but  of  the  disem- 
bodied spirit  to  be  our  guardian  angel  for- 
evermore. 

"  Faith  sees  a  star,  and  listening  love  hears  the 
rustle  of  a  wing."  Infinitely  sad  was  the  pass- 
ing of  our  beloved,  to  those  left  in  the  earth-life ; 
but  soothingly  comes  to  us  the  song  chanted  by 
the  choir  invisible  whenever  a  soul  escapes  the 
mortal  coil : 

"  Passing  out  of  the  shadow, 
Into  a  purer  light ; 
Stepping  behind  the  curtain, 
Getting  a  clearer  sight. 

"  Laying  aside  a  burden, 
This  weary  mortal  coil ; 

Done  with  the  world's  vexations 

Done  with  its  tears  and  toil. 


142        THE  GENTLEMAN  FB03I  EVERYWHERE. 


"Tired  of  all  earth's  playthings, 
Heartsick  and  ready  to  sleep  — 
Eeady  to  bid  our  friends  farewell, 
Wondering  why  they  weep. 

"Passing  out  of  the  shadow 
Into  eternal  day  — 
Why  do  we  call  it  dying, 
This  sweet  going  away?" 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

TRIBULATIONS    OF   A   WIDOWER. 

BUT  we  must  descend  from  the  sublime  to  the 
stern  realities  of  this  workaday  world. 
Of  all  the  people  on  this  earth,  a  lone,  lorn 
widower  with  three  babies  on  his  hands,  is  the 
most  forlorn  and  miserable.  Take  care  of  them 
himself  he  cannot,  and  if  he  hires  the  ordinary 
woman  to  do  so,  she  immediately  sets  her  cap  for 
him,  and  leaves  no  stone  unturned  to  secure  him 
for  a  husband,  especially  if  he  is  possessed  of 
some  of  this  world's  goods  which  she  covets  with 
all  her  mind  and  soul. 

Words  are  inadequate  to  describe  the  annoy- 
ances I  endured  for  two  weary  years  from  this 
class  of  women,  who  seemed  to  be  the  only  ones 
who  would  come  to  a  lonely  country  home  to 
assume  such  responsibilities  and  endless  labors. 
The  world  seemed  full  of  these  anxious  but  not 
aimless  women,  who  claimed  to  adore  little 
children ;  but  who  really  cared  for  nothing  except 
to  capture  a  "  widower  with  means." 

One  nurse  carelessly  slipped  on  the  stairs,  and 

143 


144        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

the  twins  went  flying  from  her  arms  through  the 
air  down  the  long  passageway,  apparently  to 
their  death  ;  only  a  miracle  saved  them.  I  picked 
up  the  little  wingless  cherubs,  scarcely  bigger 
than  my  fist,  and  their  blue  eyes  smiled  at  me, 
as  if  they  had  really  enjoyed  their  aerial  flight. 

They  seemed  to  have  a  charmed  and  charming 
existence ;  they  were  the  admiration  of  all  the 
people  far  and  wide  who  flocked  to  our  house  to 
see  and  fondle  the  really  "heavenly  twins."  My 
business  kept  me  from  home  nearly  all  the  time ; 
but  my  father,  mother,  brother,  and  sister-in-law 
kindly  watched  my  caretakers  with  argus  eyes, 
and  the  so-called  triplets  throve  wonderfully  day 
by  day. 

Whenever  in  my  absence,  my  good  childless 
brother  and  his  wife  found  one  of  my  hired 
women  unworthy,  he  would  tell  her  to  pack  her 
trunk,  then  he  would  drive  her  to  the  depot, 
banish  her  from  the  town  over  which  he  long 
reigned  as  chairman  of  the  selectmen  and  State 
representative,  telegraph  me  to  hunt  up  another 
one,  and  thus  the  road  to  the  station  was  nearly 
worn  out,  and  the  railroad  receipts  were  greatly 
augmented. 

One  of  these  women,  while  I  was  far  away, 
greatly  scandalized  the  whole  town  by  leaving 
the  "  light  infantry  "  to  their  fate  one  Sunday, 
and  indulging  in  the  pious  delights  of  shooting 


TRIBULATIONS  OF  A   WIDOWER.  145. 

wood-chucks.  My  indignant  brother  and  his 
father-in-law  deacon  disarmed  the  jezabel,  made 
her  sleep  in  the  barn  that  night,  sent  her  off 
flying  the  next  morning,  and  personally,  tenderly 
as  mothers,  watched  over  the  children  until  I 
arrived  with  another  nurse. 

One  woman  whipped  little  May  secretly  with  a 
stick ;  but  the  victim's  wonderful  lungs  aroused 
my  mother  who,  reinforced  by  the  entire  family, 
overpowered  the  virago,  and  sent  her  off  on  the 
next  train.  It  is  evident  from  these  thrilling 
recitals  that  I  was  not  a  good  mind-reader  of 
woman  character ;  but  they  were  as  sweet  as 
angels  when  I  was  at  home,  and  evidently  the 
unwonted  self-restraint  to  thus  appear  reacted 
very  forcibly  when  the  widower  was  out  of  sight. 

I  vowed  in  my  wrath  that  I  would  never  again 
speak  to  a  woman  outside  my  own  immediate 
family.  I  tried  in  vain  to  hire  men  nurses,  and  I 
sympathized  with  Paolo  Orsini,  who  slipped  a 
cord  around  the  neck  of  Isabella  di  Medici,  and 
strangled  her ;  I  almost  envied  Curzon  of  Simo- 
petra  who  had  never  seen  a  woman.  But  I  soon 
found  that  this  misanthropy  was  unjust,  that  I 
misjudged  the  pure  depths  of  life's  river  by  a 
little  dirty  froth  floating  upon  the  surface. 

Women  can  no  more  be  lumped  together  in 
level  community  than  men  can  be.  There  is  an 
ample  variety  of  tenacious  womanly  characters 


146        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

between  the  extremes  marked  by  Miriam  beating 
her  timbrels,  and  Cleopatra  applying  the  asp  ; 
Cornelia,  caring  for  nothing  but  her  Roman 
jewels  ;  Guyon,  rapt  in  God ;  Lucrezia  Borgia 
raging  with  bowl  and  dagger,  and  Florence 
Nightingale  sweetening  the  memory  of  the 
Crimean  war  with  philanthropic  deeds. 

What  group  of  men  can  be  brought  together 
more  distinct  in  individuality,  more  contrasted 
in  diversity  of  traits  and  destiny,  than  such 
women  as  Eve  in  the  garden  of  Eden,  Mary  at 
the  foot  of  the  cross,  Rebecca  by  the  well,  Semi- 
ramis  on  her  throne,  Ruth  among  the  corn,  Jeza- 
bel  in  her  chariot,  Lais  at  a  banquet,  Joan  of 
Arc  in  battle,  Tomyris  striding  over  the  field 
with  the  head  of  Cyrus  in  a  bag  of  blood,  Per- 
petua  smiling  on  the  lions  in  the  amphitheatre, 
Martha  cumbered  with  many  cares,  Pocahontas 
under  the  shadow  of  the  woods,  Saint  Theresa  in 
the  Convent,  Madame  Roland  on  the  scaffold, 
Mother  Agnes  at  Port  Royal,  exiled  DeStael 
wielding  her  pen  as  a  sceptre,  and  Mrs.  Fry 
lavishing  her  existence  on  outcasts  ? 


CHAPTEK  XT. 

FAITH   SEES   A   STAR. 

ONE  day  I  was  introduced  by  a  friend  to  a 
very  attractive  lady  school-teacher,  who 
combined  with  superior  domestic  training,  elocu- 
tionary and  musical  accomplishments.  She  was 
so  sincere  and  sympathetic  that  I  found  myself 
almost  unconsciously  expressing  the  same  senti- 
ments that  I  had  spoken  to  another  long  ago  in 
the  city  by  the  sea. 

The  love  which  I  supposed  had  passed  on  for- 
ever to  the  other  world,  seemed  to  be  sent  back 
to  me  through  the  opening  clouds  of  evening  by 
my  self-sacrificing  spirit  bride,  to  give  to  another 
who  would  love  and  cherish  the  helpless  little 
ones  who  so  needed  a  mother's  care. 

I  poured  forth  all  my  sorrows,  troubles,  per- 
plexities and  needs  to  a  congenial,  sympathetic 
spirit,  and  she  consented  to  go  to  my  home  and 
take  up  the  burdens  which  the  ascended  mother 
had  been  required  by  the  angel-world  to  lay 
down. 

On  the  arrival  of  the  new  housekeeper,  order 
was  evolved  out  of  chaos ;  the  children  received 

147 


148        THE  GENTLEMAN  FBOM  EVERYWHERE. 

the  best  of  care,  and  the  horse  a  much  needed 
rest  after  his  arduous  labors  in  carting  to  and 
from  the  depot  the  numerous  hired  women  who 
had  been  "weighed  in  the  balance  and  found 
wanting."  In  the  following  month  of  roses, 
Lillian  concluded  that  my  "  first  glance  "  attach- 
ment was  reciprocated ;  we  were  married  in  her 
father's  house  at  Allston;  we  enjoyed  a  brief 
tour  of  the  White  Mountains,  and  then  settled 
down  in  our  cottage  to  our  life  work.  The  peace 
of  God,  which  always  comes,  sooner  or  later  to 
those  who  strive  to  do  their  duty,  was  ours,  and 
the  inspiration  of  Whittier's  sweet  poem  "  My 
Psalm  "  brought  infinite  consolation  to  our  blended 
lives. 

"  I  mourn  no  more  my  vanished  years  ; 
Beneath  a  tender  rain, 
An  April  rain  of  smiles  and  tears, 
My  heart  is  young  again. 

"  All  as  God  wills,  who  wisely  heeds 
To  give  or  to  withhold, 
And  knoweth  more  of  all  my  needs 
Thau  all  my  prayers  have  told. 

"  All  the  jarring  notes  of  life 
Seem  blending  in  a  psalm, 
And  all  the  angles  of  its  strife 
Slow  rounding  into  calm. 

"  And  so  the  shadows  fall  apart, 
And  so  the  sunbeams  play  ; 
And  all  the  windows  of  my  heart 
I  open  to  the  day. ' ' 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

ON   THE   POLITICAL   STUMP. 

I  HAD  always  been  somewhat  prominent  in 
politics,  being  President  of  the  Republican 
Club  in  our  town,  and  that  autumn  I  was  hired 
by  Dr.  George  B.  Loring  to  conduct  his  campaign 
for  the  position  of  Representative  in  Congress ; 
this  I  accomplished  so  successfully  that  Judge 
Thayer,  the  chairman  of  the  State  Committee, 
hired  me  to  stump  the  Commonwealth  against 
General  Butler  and  in  favor  of  the  Hon.  George 
D.  Robinson  as  candidate  for  Governor.  This 
campaign  will  long  be  remembered  as  being  the 
most  fiercely  contested  of  any  in  the  political  his- 
tory of  Massachusetts,  and  many  incidents  in  my 
career  as  a  public  speaker  are  much  pleasanter  in 
the  reminiscence  than  in  the  endurance.  One 
will  suffice  by  way  of  illustration. 

Free  speech  was  not  tolerated  by  our  frantic 
greenback  opponents,  and  stale  eggs  with  decayed 
cabbages  hurled  at  the  heads  of  Republican  ora- 
tors were  the  strongest  arguments  used  by  the 
General's  admirers  to  combat  our  appeals  for 
protective  tariff  and  sound  money.     At  a  meet- 

149 


150        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

ing  of  our  state  committee  in  Boston,  Judge 
Thayer  announced  that  General  Hall  of  Maine, 
one  of  our  most  brilliant  speakers,  could  not 
reach  Rockport,  where  he  was  billed  to  hold 
forth,  before  ten  o'clock  that  evening,  and  called 
for  volunteers  to  hold  the  audience  for  two  hours. 
Rockport  was  almost  solid  for  Butler,  and  his 
friends  had  declared  that  no  Republican  should 
speak  there,  consequently  no  one  volunteered. 
At  last,  the  Judge,  in  despair,  said : 

"  Foss,  will  you  go  ?  " 

"  I  shall  obey  orders,"  was  my  reply,  amid 
cheers  of  the  much-relieved  shirkers,  and  I  bolted 
for  the  train. 

On  arriving  at  my  destination,  I  found  the  sta- 
tion crowded  with  a  howling  mob,  and  the  Re- 
publican town  committee  were  frantically  shout- 
ing: "General  Hall,  General  Hall!"  "Here," 
said  I,  and  only  by  the  vigorous  aid  of  the  clubs  of 
the  police  was  I  hustled  through  the  embattled 
hosts  to  a  hack,  which  took  me  to  the  hall  where 
I  walked  on  the  shoulders  of  a  friendly  uniformed 
club  to  the  platform,  which  I  finally  reached  with 
torn  apparel  and  in  a  condition  of  almost  physical 
and  mental  collapse. 

The  "hail  to  the  chief,"  by  the  band  was 
drowned  by  the  cat-calls:  "Put  him  out!" — 
'  Duck  him  !  " — "  Ride  him  on  a  rail ! "  etc.,  etc., 
Yells  of  the  Butlerites  who  had  packed  the  hall. 


ON  THE  POLITICAL  STUMP.  151 

At  last  I  got  my  "  mad  up,"  and  rising,  I  lighted  a 
cigar,  puffed  vigorously,  and  smiled  upon  my  up- 
roarious foes.  This  astonished  the  "great  un- 
washed," and  a  big  Irishman  jumped  on  the 
stage,  shouting : 

"  Shut  up,  shut  up,  byes !  Let's  hear  what  the 
cuss  has  to  say ;  he's  a  cool  un." 

There  was  silence.  Taking  out  my  cigar,  I 
laughed  long  and  loud. 

"  What  you  laughing  at  ?  "  howled  the  mob. 

"  This  reminds  me,"  said  I,  very  slowly,  "  of  a 
little  story." 

"  Out  with  it,"  was  the  response. 

"When  I  was  a  teacher  in  Marblehead," 
drawled  I,  "I  had  occasion  to  wallop  a  boy  with 
a  cowhide.  I  made  him  touch  his  toes  with  his 
fingers  and  laid  on  the  braid  where  it  would  do 
the  most  good ;  the  more  I  whaled  him  the  more 
he  laughed.  I  laid  on  Macduff  with  a  '  damned 
be  he  who  first  cries  hold,  enough,'  determina- 
tion, and  yet  he  laughed.  '  What  you  laughing 
at  ? '  cried  I.  '  Oh,  ha,  ha,  ha,  you're  licking  the 
wrong  boy,'  giggled  the  unspeakable  scamp.  It's 
just  that  way  here.  You  gentlemen  are  licking 
the  wrong  boy  ;  I  am  not  General  Hall,  at  all,  I 
am  Lieutenant-General  Ulysses  S.  Grant."  The 
crowd  roared  :  "  He's  a  good  un,  let's  hear  him — 
ha,  ha,  ha,  he's  a  good  un,"  and  for  two  hours 
I  had  as  good-natured  an  audience  as  you  ever  saw. 


152        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

"  You  say  you  don't  want  a  protective  tariff ; 
you  don't  want  sound  money.  Well,  you  remind 
me  of  the  man  who  killed  his  father,  mother, 
brothers,  sisters,  and  when  condemned  to  death 
he  begged  the  judge  to  have  mercy  upon  a  poor 
orphan.  You  have  killed  the  tariff  twice,  and 
nearly  every  mill  wheel  stopped,  and  you  and  I 
had  to  beg  from  door  to  door  or  live  on  dry 
crackers  and  shin-bones.  Do  you  want  that 
kind  of  provender  again  ?  Butler  says,  '  give  us 
greenbacks  by  the  ton,  and  everybody  will  be 
rich.'  You  tried  that  once  and  you  carried  your 
money  to  market  in  a  bushel  basket,  and  brought 
back  the  dinner  you  bought  with  it  in  a  gill 
dipper.     Do  you  want  any  more  such  times  ?  " 

"Be  Gorrah,"  cried  my  big  Irish  friend, 
"  that's  so  :  I  rimimber  it  well.  I'd  forgut  it ; 
the  bye's  right,  he  is." 

"  Yes,"  I  yelled,  "  Butler  says  he'll  leave  the 
Republican  party  out  in  the  cold.  It  reminds 
me  of  the  old  farmer  who  rushed  outdoors  in 
his  bed-shirt,  bareheaded  and  barefooted  in  win- 
ter, grabbed  a  barking  dog  who  was  disturbing 
his  rest,  by  the  ears ;  his  wife  came  down  to 
hunt  him  up.  '  What  on  airth,  father,  you 
doin'  ?'  she  cried,  as  she  saw  his  knees  knocking 
together,  and  his  teeth  chattering  with  the  cold. 
'I've  gut  the  cuss,'  he  shouted,  'and  I'll  hold 
him  here  till  he  freezes  to  death.' 


ON  THE  POLITICAL  STU3IP.  153 

"  You'll  hold  your  employers  out  in  the  cold, 
will  you  ?  Well,  who'll  freeze  to  death  first  if 
you  stop  the  factories  ?  The  owners  who  have 
plenty  of  money,  or  you  who  are  dependent  upon 
the  work  they  give  you  for  every  cent  you  get  ? 
General  Butler  who  lives  in  a  palace,  and  drives 
a  kingly  equipage  tries  to  frighten  you  by  paint- 
ing the  bugaboo ;  '  the  rich  growing  richer,  and 
the  poor  growing  poorer,'  that  soon  a  half-dozen 
plutocrats  will  have  all  the  money  there  is  in  the 
world,  and  then  the  rest  of  the  people  will  all 
starve.  It  reminds  me  of  the  old  farmer  who 
set  up  such  an  outrageous  looking  scarecrow  in 
his  field  that  the  crows  not  only  let  his  present 
corn  alone,  but  they  actually  brought  back  in 
their  terrible  fright  all  the  corn  they  had  stolen 
in  the  previous  ten  years.  Are  we  craven  crows 
to  be  scared  by  such  windy  effigies  ?  " 

Thus  having  caught  their  attention  by  light 
weight  stories,  I  gave  them  broadsides  of  facts 
and  arguments  until  I  won  the  greatest  political 
fight  of  my  life.  We  won  a  famous  victory  ;  the 
workers,  as  usual,  were  soon  forgotten ;  the 
elected  exulted  in  their  brief  authority  ;  the  de- 
feated at  once  began  log-rolling  for  the  next 
election,  and  so  the  office  hunting  strife  goes  on 
forever.  After  this  I  resumed  the  work  of  my 
crusade  against  ignorance  and  bad  literature, 
having  had   my   pockets    well   filled    by   those 


154        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

who  are  always  eager  to  trade  money  for 
fame. 

Our  home  was  three  miles  from  the  railroad 
station,  and  the  wintry  winds  with  deep  snows 
made  the  frequent  journeys  to  and  fro  over  the 
bleak,  uncomfortable  country  roads,  extremely 
cold  and  often  hazardous. 

I  had  endured  for  years  these  alternate  freez- 
ing and  roasting  rides  for  the  pleasure  of  living 
near  the  old  folks ;  but  now  the  numerous  colds 
and  coughs  resulting  from  the  exposure  drove 
me  to  move  nearer  to  the  depot,  and  we  bought  a 
large  three-story  house  with  barn  and  fourteen 
acres  of  land  on  High  Street  in  the  city  of 
N . 

We  rejuvenated  our  old  castle  with  paint,  new 
boiler  and  paper,  letting  loose  upon  our  devoted 
heads  numerous  fevers  and  other  diseases  which 
generations  had  stored  up  on  the  walls,  all  eager 
for  new  victims.  Strange  it  is,  that  all  bad 
things  are  so  contagious  and  so  long-lived  to  pun- 
ish the  innocent  for  the  sins  of  the  guilty. 

Upon  me,  the  descendant  of  a  long  line  of 
farmers,  fell  the  agricultural  fever,  and  I  broke 
my  own  back  as  well  as  that  of  the  hired  man, 
cultivating  that  sterile  soil  where  my  potatoes 
cost  me  about  a  quarter  of  a  dollar  a  piece,  and 
each  blade  of  grass,  sickness  and  much  hard- 
earned  cash.     We  made  the  old  place  to  bud  and 


ON  THE  POLITICAL  STUMP.  155 

blossom  like  the  rose,  but  the  game  as  usual  was 
not  worth  the  candle,  and  an  ulcerated  sore 
throat  which  some  predecessor  had  breathed  upon 
the  paper  which  we  tore  off,  left  me  a  walking 
skeleton,  when  ex-Congressman  Loring,  then 
United  States  Commissioner  of  Agriculture,  came 
to  my  relief  by  appointing  me  his  deputy  for 
Florida  at  a  good  salary,  to  investigate  and  re- 
port upon  the  developed  and  undeveloped  resour- 
ces of  that  State,  and  its  attractions  for  northern 
settlers.  I  gladly  accepted  this  commission  to 
serve  my  country,  for  — 

Somewhere  the  sun  is  shining, 
I  thought  as  I  toiled  along 
In  the  freezing  cold  of  the  winter, 
Yes,  somewhere  the  sun  is  shining 

Though  here  I  shiver  and  sigh, 
Not  a  breath  of  warmth  is  stirring 

Not  a  beam  in  the  arctic  sky. 

Somewhere  the  thing  we  long  for 

Exists  on  earth's  wide  bound, 
Somewhere  the  heat  is  cheering 

While  here  winter  nips  the  ground. 
Somewhere  the  flowers  are  springing, 

Somewhere  the  corn  is  brown, 
And  is  ready  unto  the  harvest 

To  feed  the  hungry  town. 

Somewhere  the  twilight  gathers, 

And  weary  men  lay  by 
The  burdens  of  the  daytime, 

And  wrapped  in  slumber  lie. 


156        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

Somewhere  the  day  is  breaking, 
And  gloom  and  darkness  flee  ; 

Though  storms  our  bark  are  tossing, 
There's  somewhere  a  placid  sea. 

And  thus,  I  thought,  'tis  always 

In  this  mysterious  life, 
There's  always  gladness  somewhere 

In  spite  of  its  pain  and  strife  ; 
And  somewhere  the  sin  and  sorrow 

Of  earth  are  known  no  more  ; 
Somewhere  our  weary  spirits 

Shall  find  a  peaceful  shore. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

THAT   EDDYFYINO   CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE. 

THIS  season  there  broke  out  in  our  com- 
munity, as  elsewhere,  what  has  always  ap- 
peared to  me,  to  be  a  distemper,  misnamed  by  its 
crafty  creator,  "  Christian  Science."  Unchristian 
scienceless  would  be  a  more  appropriate  name,  as 
the  so-called  divine  revelation  was  made  to  its 
Eddyfying  high  priestess  about  1800  years  after 
the  sublime  career  of  Christ  was  ended,  and  its 
preposterous  claims  antagonize  every  principle  of 
modern  science. 

This  craze  seized  certain  discontented  young 
women  who  studied  "  Science  and  Health  "  under 
the  tutorage  of  its  author,  and  they  soon  became 
too  transcendental  to  perform  the  useful  duties 
of  life,  posing  as  teachers  of  the  "  utterly  utter." 
It  monopolized  the  feeble  intellects  of  some 
farmers'  boys,  who  at  once  began  to  try  to  get  a 
lazy  living  by  sitting  beside  sick  women  with 
their  hands  over  their  eyes,  ostensibly  engaged 
in  prayer,  but  really  endeavoring  to  prey  upon 
the  weak  minded. 

157 


158        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

Some  superstitious  people  who  had  been  long 
under  the  care  of  a  regular  physician,  and  who 
were  just  at  the  turning  point  of  receiving  benefit 
therefrom,  took  an  "  Eddy  sitting  "  and  jumped 
to  the  conclusion  that  said  mummery  affected  a 
miraculous  cure. 

As  a  drowning  man  clutching  at  a  straw,  I 
confess  that  I  accepted  the  offer  of  treatments, 
made  by  a  pleasant  lady  "Christian  science" 
doctor.  I  found  it  tolerably  agreeable  to  sit  by 
her  side,  holding  her  soft  hand  while  she  assumed 
an  attitude  of  supplication,  but  my  malady  was 
in  nowise  benefited  thereby.  This  amiable  lady 
finally  loaned  me  a  copy  of  their  sacred  book 
called  "  Science  and  Health,"  expressing  the 
opinion  that  a  careful  reading  thereof  would 
renew  my  youth  and  make  me  a  believer  in  their 
modern  Eleusinian  mysteries  forever. 

I  read  this  preposterous  book  with  all  the 
earnestness  and  prayerfulness  of  which  I  was 
capable ;  but  found  it  to  be  a  heterogeneous  con- 
glomeration of  words — mere  words,  a  hodge 
podge  of  all  the  exploded  philosophical,  religious, 
and  scientific  heresies  of  the  past  ages,  so  cun- 
ningly jumbled  that  the  gullible,  unable  to  find 
any  meaning  to  it,  conclude  that  it  is  too  pro- 
found for  their  comprehension,  and  unwilling  to 
acknowledge  the  fact  for  fear  of  being  called 
ignorant,  solemnly  pronounce  it  to  be  great. 


TEAT  EDDYFYING  CHRISTIAN  SCIENCE.         159 

One  quotation  will  reveal  the  utter  nothing- 
ness of  this  book,  from  the  sale  of  which  "  Pope 
Eddy "  is  said  to  have  realized  a  half-million 
dollars.  Says  this  modern  goddess  :  "  The  word 
Adam  is  from  the  Hebrew  Adamah,  signifying 
the  red  color  of  the  ground,  dust,  nothingness. 
Divide  the  name  Adam  into  two  syllables,  and  it 
reads  a  dam  or  obstruction.  This  suggests  the 
thought  of  something  fluid,  of  mortal  mind  in 
solution." 

Like  all  the  other  humbugs  of  superstition, 
this  new  doctrine  seems  to  me  to  contain  but  a 
single  drop  of  truth  submerged  in  an  ocean  of 
folly.  Mary  Baker  G.  Eddy,  the  great  high 
priestess,  claims  to  possess  the  power  to  heal  the 
sick  and  raise  the  dead  ;  yet  she  has  retired  with 
much  lucre  to  her  palatial  residence,  lives  like  a 
queen,  rolling  in  luxury,  refusing  to  exercise  her 
pretended  healing  power  upon  the  thousands 
writhing  in  agony  and  whom  she  claims  to  be 
able  to  cure.  Surely  her  "  Key  to  the  Scrip- 
tures "  should  thunder  in  her  ears  the  anathema, 
"  To  him  who  knoweth  to  do  good  and  doeth  it 
not,  to  him  it  is  a  sin." 

I,  too,  claim  a  great  discovery,  a  new  "  sacred 
book,"  which  I  have  been  inspired  to  write,  and 
if  people  will  give  it  the  implicit  faith  required 
to  benefit  by  "  Christian  Science,"  I  will  guar- 
antee to  cure  all  mental  ills,  and  to  bring  eternal 


160        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

peace  on  earth.  I  herewith  give  my  revelation 
to  all,  without  money  and  without  price,  in 
strong  contrast  to  the  mercenary  methods  of  the 
Eddy  healers.  My  "  science  and  health  "  is  mul- 
tum  in  parvo.     Here  it  is  : 

Columbus  discovered  the  new  world ;  but  his 
wife  discovered  the  old  world.  The  name  of 
his  wife,  of  course,  was  Columba,  which  in  Latin, 
means  a  dove.  Columba,  the  dove,  flew  forth 
from  the  ark,  and  so  discovered  the  Eastern  Con- 
tinent. Columbus  sailed  from  G — noa  ;  but  Co- 
lumba sailed  from  Noah,  and  when  the  gods  saw 
her  with  the  olive-branch,  they  said  "  blessed 
be  the  dove,  for  whosoever  shall  receive  her  by 
faith  into  his  heart,  the  same  shall  be  free  from 
unrest  and  from  war  forevermore." 

Faith  can  remove  mountains,  and  faith  is  all 
there  is  to  "  Christian  Science,"  so  far  as  we  have 
been  able  to  ascertain.  We  concede  to  its  many 
devotees  an  almost  unlimited  amount  of  this 
saving  grace ;  but  sincerely  claim  that  our 
"  Columba  science  "  will  be  equally  efficient  for 
good  if  received  in  the  same  spirit  which  has 
greeted  the  new  gospel  promulgated  by  Saint 
Mary  Baker  G.  Eddy.     Selah. 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

IN   THE   LAND   OF   FLOWERS. 

AFTER  these  scientific  investigations,  my 
wife  and  I  left  New  England  covered 
with  snow  and  swept  by  fierce,  freezing  winds  to 
find  this  far-famed  peninsular  basking  in  delicious 
sunshine,  the  air  full  of  the  exquisite  perfume  of 
orange  blossoms  and  the  songs  of  rejoicing  birds. 
It  was  an  enchanted  land,  the  balsamic  odors 
from  the  beautiful  evergreen  pine  forests 
starred  by  the  fragrant  magnolia  blossoms  of 
spotless  white,  exorcised  the  ulceratic  demons 
from  throat  and  lungs. 

We  feasted  upon  the  delicious  fruits  and  vege- 
tables fresh  from  the  trees  and  earth,  and  the 
returning  healthy  appetite  was  refreshed  by 
tender  venison,  wild  turkeys  and  quails  from  the 
woods,  nutritious  and  abundant  fish  and  ducks 
from  the  lakes  and  rivers.  It  was  a  new  heaven 
and  a  new  earth,  full  of  gladness  and  semi- 
tropical  luxuries. 

As  soon  as  the  hospitable  people  learned  that 
I  represented  our   beloved   Uncle    Sam,   I   was 

163 


164        THE  GENTLE3IAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

overwhelmed  with  free  passes  and  free  hotels, 
anywhere  and  everywhere. 

The  Count  De  Barry,  who  had  amassed  a  vast 
fortune  as  the  American  representative  of 
"  Mum's  Extra  Dry,"  and  who  had  received 
numerous  valuable  seeds  and  shrubs  from  our 
generous  department,  took  us  on  his  palatial 
steamer  for  hundreds  of  miles  up  the  lordly  St. 
John's  River,  where  we  feasted  our  eyes  upon 
acres  of  wild  ducks,  pelicans,  cranes  and  many 
huge,  lazy  alligators  floating  on  the  waves,  re- 
joicing in  the  life-giving  beams  of  the  sun. 

The  stately  trees  along  the  banks,  old  when 
Adam  was  a  baby,  were  covered  with  flowering 
vines  of  wondrous  beauty  and  fragrance;  then 
vast  orange  groves  appeared  covered  with  blos- 
soms, small  and  ripe  fruit  all  at  the  same  time ; 
numerous  herds  of  cattle  standing  knee  deep  in 
the  water,  leisurely  browsing  upon  the  river 
plants  both  on  the  surface  and  under  the  shallow 
river. 

We  would  anchor,  and  throwing  a  clasp-net 
which  spread  out  on  the  bottom  and  then  closed 
like  a  purse,  we  pulled  in  excellent  fish  by  the 
hundreds ;  sitting  on  the  canopied  deck  we  shot 
ducks  which  the  negroes  captured  in  small  boats, 
and  soon  served  cooked  for  our  delectation  ;  pine- 
apples and  berries  were  brought  from  the  shore, 
in  fact,  it  was  a  lotus-eater's  dream  of  paradise, 


IN  THE  LAND  OF  FLO  WEBS.  165 

and  seemed  to  be  a  land  and  a  river  "  flowing 
with  milk  and  honey." 

The  words  from  Willis'  confessional  came 
floating  to  our  minds. 

"  On  ocean  many  a  gladsome  night, 
When  heaved  the  long  and  sullen  sea, 
With  only  waves  and  stars  in  sight, 
We  stole  along  by  isles  of  balm; 
We  furled  before  the  coming  gale, 

We  slept  amid  the  breathless  calm, 
We  flew  beneath  the  straining  sail. 

Oh,  softly  on  these  banks  of  haze 
Her  rosy  face  the  summer  lays, 
Becalmed  along  the  azure  sky 
The  argosies  of  cloudland  lie; 
The  holy  silence  is  God's  voice 
We  look,  and  listen,  and  rejoice." 

When  the  night  fell,  and  one  by  one,  in  the 
infinite  meadows  of  heaven,  blossomed  out  the 
beautiful  stars,  the  forget-me-nots  of  the  angels, 
they  seemed  so  near  that  you  almost  expected  to 
touch  them  with  the  hand,  and  the  silver  moon 
arising,  set  the  clouds  on  fire  with  gladness  and 
"  left  upon  the  level  water  one  long  track  and 
trail  of  splendor,  down  whose  stream  we  sailed 
into  the  purple  vapors,  to  the  islands  of  the 
blessed,  to  the  kingdom  of  Ponemah  to  the  land 
of  the  hereafter." 

While  thus  we  dreamed,  the  balmy  zephyr 
brings  from  the  forecastle  to  our  delighted  hear- 


166        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

ing,  the  tinkling  music  of  the  banjo  and  guitar, 
the  melody  of  the  singing  voices  and  dancing 
feet  of  our  freedmen  boat's  crew.  The  lines  of 
Whittier  were  resurrected  in  our  thoughts. 

' '  Dear,  the  black  man  holds  his  gifts 

Of  music  and  of  song, 
The  gold  that  kindly  nature  sifts 

Among  his  sands  of  wrong, 
The  power  to  make  his  toiling  days 

And  poor  home  comforts  please; 
The  quaint  relief  of  mirth  that  plays 

With  sorrow's  minor  keys." 

For    they   sang    among   others   the  identical 
words  of  the  poet's  expressive  song, 

' '  Ole  massa  on  he  trabbels  gone, 

He  leaf  de  land  behind; 
De  Lord's  breff  blow  him  furder  on, 

Like  corn-shuck  in  de  wind: 
We  own  de  hoe,  we  own  de  plow, 

We  own  de  hans  dat  hold, 
We  sell  de  pig,  we  sell  de  cow, 

But  nebber  chile  be  sold. 

De  norf  wind  tell  it  to  de  pines, 

De  wild-duck  to  de  sea, 
We  tink  it  when  de  church-bell  ring, 

We  dream  it  in  de  dream, 
De  rice-bird  mean  it  when  he  sing, 

De  eagle  when  he  scream, 
De  yam  will  grow,  de  cotton  blow, 

We'll  hab  de  rice  and  corn; 
Nebber  you  fear,  if  nebber  j^ou  hear 

De  driber  blow  his  horn." 


IN  THE  LAND  OF  FLO  WEBS.  167 

And  so  all  too  quickly  passed  that  ideal  night, 
without  thought  of  sleep,  till  the  rising  sun  shot 
his  radiant  beams  over  the  great  river,  when  we 
steamed  slowly  up  to  the  long  pier,  and  walked 
under  an  arch  of  stately  palms  to  our  host's 
beautiful  home,  embowered  in  orange  trees  and 
luxuriant  trumpet  creepers  in  this  summer  land 
of  perpetual  bloom. 

Close  by  the  Count's  residence  was  a  lake  of 
sulphur  water,  gushing  from  deep  down  in  the 
earth.  Into  this  we  plunged  and  swam  until  we 
seemed  to  be  born  again  into  immortal  youth, 
then  on  the  broad  piazza  we  enjoyed  a  feast 
which  would  have  delighted  Jupiter  and  all  his 
gods,  every  course  of  which  was  taken  from  the 
adjoining  trees,  grounds  and  waters. 

We  then  inspected  the  great  plantation,  where 
was  found  growing  in  profusion,  everything  es- 
sential to  the  wants  of  the  most  fastidious  of 
mortals,  while  the  surrounding  woods  and  river 
teemed  with  a  great  variety  of  fish  and  game. 

I  roam  as  in  a  waking  dream 

The  garden  of  the  Hesperides, 
And  see  the  golden  fruitage  gleam 

Amid  the  stately  orange-trees. 

Unfading  green  is  on  the  hill, 

The  vales  are  decked  with  countless  flowers, 
While  hums  the  bee,  the  song  birds  trill 

Sweet  music  through  the  sunny  hours. 


168        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

The  moss  is  waving  in  the  gale 
From  live  oak,  hickory,  and  pine, 

And  draping  like  a  bridal-veil 
The  beauteous  yellow  jessamine. 

Through  countless  vistas  in  the  wood 
I  see  the  windows  of  the  morn 

Ope  to  the  world  a  glowing  flood 
Of  glory  when  the  day  is  born. 

And  when,  with  robes  of  Tyrian  dye, 
The  evening  comes  when  day  is  done, 

I  see  around  the  radiant  sky 
A  hundred  sunsets  blent  in  one. 

We  parted  from  our  genial  entertainer  with 
much  reluctance  when  the  superintendent  of  the 
railroad  claimed  us  as  his  guests,  and  with  him, 
we  inspected  the  famous  orange  groves  along  his 
line,  resting  on  Sunday  at  a  palatial  hotel  where 
the  St.  John's  Eiver  broadens  into  the  great  Lake 
Munroe. 

While  at  church  we  were  much  entertained  by 
the  livety,  frolicsome  manoeuvres  of  the  numer- 
ous beautiful  chameleons  of  rapidly  changing 
colors,  who  greatly  distracted  the  attention  of 
the  congregation  from  the  service  by  their  pranks 
on  the  walls  and  decorations. 

Directly  in  front  of  us  was  a  sleep}T,  bald- 
headed  man  upon  whose  shining,  nodding,  snor- 
ing pate  several  flies  were  resting  in  quiet  enjoy- 
ment of  the  sermon.     AH  at  once,  this  toothsome 


IN  THE  LAND  OF  FLOWERS.  169 

collection  attracted  the  attention  of  a  very  large 
bright-eyed  chameleon  admirer  who  launched 
himself  through  the  air  upon  said  bald  head  in 
pursuit  of  his  dinner.  With  a  yell  of  fear,  the 
sleeper  struck  the  animal  with  his  huge  hand, 
sending  the  long  tailed  frolicsome  creature  heels 
over  head  directly  upon  the  clergyman's  manu- 
script, and  the  alarmed  preacher,  in  turn,  with  a 
smothered  imprecation  and  a  sweeping  blow, 
hurled  the  sprawling  legs  and  elongated  tail 
down  upon  some  frightened  children  who 
screamed  and  tumbled  over  each  other  upon  the 
floor  in  a  struggling  heap. 

This  was  too  much  for  the  pent-up  risibilities 
of  the  audience  who  laughed  long  and  loud, 
greatly  to  the  disturbance  of  the  solemnity  of  the 
occasion.  The  witty  minister  remarked  that  this 
addition  to  his  flock,  like  some  church  members, 
seemed  to  care  more  for  the  carnal  than  the 
spiritual,  and  proceeded  to  the  thirteenthly  di- 
vision of  his  discourse. 

From  here  we  traveled  for  hundreds  of  miles 
over  the  flat,  monotonous,  arid  sands  of  south  Flor- 
ida, where  green  grass  arid  fresh  garden  vegetables 
were  unknown,  frequently  remarking  that  if  we 
owned  these  localities  and  hades,  we  would  give 
away  the  former  and  live  in  the  latter  place. 
But  when  we  retraced  our  steps,  and  reached  the 
rich  highlands  of  the  northern  counties  of  Marion, 


170        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

Bradford,  and  Clay,  found  the  earth  covered  with 
green  grass  in  winter,  the  trees  beautiful  with 
blossoms  and  luscious  oranges,  the  air  fragrant 
with  rare  flowers,  and  resonant  with  songs  of 
birds,  saw  the  planters  shipping  thousands  of 
crates  of  fruit  and  vegetables,  and  finally  arrived 
at  the  far-famed  Silver  Springs,  it  seemed  as  if 
we  had  found  Ponce  de  Leon's  fountain  of  im- 
mortal youth. 

The  crystal  clear  waters  of  this  wonderful 
spring,  or  more  properly  called  lake,  gush  in  im- 
mense volumes  seemingly  from  the  very  centre  of 
the  earth,  spreading  out  until  wide  and  deep 
enough  to  float  a  great  navy,  and  are  so  trans- 
parent that  multitudes  of  fishes  are  seen  disport- 
ing among  marine  plants  and  shells  plainly  dis- 
cernible hundreds  of  feet  below. 

Here  we  embarked  on  a  comfortable  steamer, 
and  sailed  nearly  twenty-four  hours  down  the 
incomparable  Ocklawaha  Eiver,  through  scenes 
that  are  indescribably  picturesque  ;  under  arches 
of  gigantic  trees  covered  with  sombrely  beautiful 
Spanish  mosses  and  trumpet  creeper  vines,  where 
all  day  long  are  heard  the  ecstatic  songs  of  mock- 
ingbirds, and  where  flutter  the  plumages  of  all 
the  colors  of  the  rainbow. 

Swiftly  the  golden  hours  fly,  as  we  float  over 
this  marvelous  river  ;  softly  the  dusky  boatmen 
chant  their  love  songs,  the  fires  from  their  "  fat- 


JN  THE  LAND  OF  FLOWERS.  173 

wood  "  cauldron  on  the  upper  deck  illuminates  the 
stately  trees,  and  the  strains  of  the  poet,  Butter- 
worth,  come  plaintively  to  our  mental  hearing. 

41  We  have  passed  funereal  glooms, 
Cypress  caverns,  haunted  rooms, 
Halls  of  gray  moss  starred  with  blooms  — 
Slowly,  slowly,  in  these  straits, 
Drifting  towards  the  cypress  gates 
Of  the  Ocklawaha. 

"  In  the  towers  of  green  o'erhead 
Watch  the  vultures  for  the  dead, 
And  below  the  egrets  red 
Eye  the  mossy  pools  like  fates, 
In  the  shadowy  cypress  gates 
Of  the  Ocklawaha. 

"  Clouds  of  palm  crowns  lie  behind, 
Clouds  of  gray  moss  in  the  wind, 
Crumbling  oaks  with  jessamines  twined, 
Where  the  ring-doves  meet  their  mates, 
Cooing  in  the  cypress  gates 
Of  the  Ocklawaha. 

"  High  the  silver  ibis  flies  — 
Silver  wings  in  silver  skies  ; 
In  the  sun  the  Saurian  lies  : 
Comes  the  mockingbird  and  prates 
To  the  boatman  at  the  gates 
Of  the  Ocklawaha. 

"  Now  the  broader  waters  gleam  — 
Seems  my  voyage  upon  the  stream 
Like  a  semblance  of  a  dream, 
And  the  dream  my  soul  elates  ; 
Life  flows  through  the  cypress  gates 
Of  the  Ocklawaha. 


174        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

"  Ibis,  thou  wilt  fly  again, 
King-dove,  thou  wilt  sigh  again, 
Jessamines  bloom  in  golden  rain  ; 
And  a  loving  song-bird  waits 
Me  beyond  the  cypress  gates 
Of  theOcklawaha." 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

SUNBEAM,   THE   SEMINOLE. 

WHEN  I  had  concluded  the  recitation  of  the 
poem  which  closes  the  preceding  chap- 
ter, a  fine-looking  gentleman  sitting  near  us  arose, 
and  lifting  his  hat  very  gracefully,  said  : 

"Pardon  me.  As  a  native  Floridian,  I  have 
much  enjoyed  hearing  you  repeat  that  poem  re- 
lating to  my  State." 

This  led  to  a  pleasant  conversation,  during 
which  he  introduced  us  to  his  wife  as  being  one 
of  the  aborigines.  We  expressed  much  interest 
in  this  statement,  and  finally  persuaded  him  to 
give  us  an  account  of  his  courtship,  which,  with 
some  amplifications,  was  substantially  as  follows : 

It  is  midnight  in  the  vast  everglades  of  Flor- 
ida. The  mammoth  forest  trees  seem  to  support 
the  arch  of  heaven  as  the  pillars  uphold  the 
great  dome  of  the  nation's  capitol.  Here  and 
there  the  century-old  orange  trees  are  re- 
splendent with  the  golden  globes  of  the  luscious 
fruit,  and  millions  of  flowering  vines  beautify 
even  the  dead  monarchs  of  the  woods. 

175 


176        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

All  these  tropical  splendors  are  illumined  by 
the  rays  of  the  full  hunter's  moon,  which  trans- 
forms the  trailing  streamers  of  dewy  Spanish 
moss  into  long-drawn  chains  of  sparkling  silver. 
From  swamp  and  foliage  the  voices  of  the  night 
fill  the  balmy  air  with  quavering  wailings,  punc- 
tured by  the  occasional  screams  of  wild-cats  and 
hootings  of  the  melancholy  owls.  Here  in  this 
forest  primeval,  mid  the  murmuring  pines  and 
star-eyed  magnolias,  nature  rules  supreme,  uncon- 
taminated  by  the  trammels  of  civilization. 

But  what  is  that  ?  Surely  human  forms 
swinging  noiselessly  from  limb  to  limb  over 
dark  pools  where  the  deadly  moccasins  and 
ferocious  alligators  slumber,  over  stagnant 
lagoons  beautified  by  great  lilies,  and  densely 
populated  with  rainbow  colored  fishes,  and  gaily 
decorated  by  water-fowl  now  all  motionless  in 
the  embrace  of  sleep,  the  brother  of  death. 

The  moonbeams  reveal  a  band  of  broad-shoul- 
dered, copper-colored  aborigines,  who  once  ruled 
over  the  whole  of  this  fair  peninsular.  They  are 
returning,  with  packs  of  supplies  strapped  upon 
their  backs,  from  a  trading  journe}7  to  the  city  of 
Kissimmee,  where  they  have  exchanged  the 
fruits  of  their  hunting  for  many-colored  calicos, 
ammunition,  and  alas  for  the  once-noble  red  men  ! 
fire-water.  They  had  left  their  canoes  when 
they  could  no  longer  be  floated,  and  are  now  re- 


SUNBEAM,  TEE  SE3IIN0LE.  177 

turning  in  this,  the  only  possible  manner,  to 
their  fertile  oasis,  protected  from  the  white  men 
by  many  miles  of  bogs  into  which  all  foot  trav- 
elers would  sink  to  unknown  slimy  depths  and 
death. 

On  they  come  in  single  file,  hand  over  hand 
from  tree  to  tree,  their  long  legs  dangling  in  the 
air,  led  by  Tiger-tail,  the  chief  of  the  survivors 
of  the  most  intelligent  and  powerful  of  all  the 
Indian  tribes.  Suddenly  the  leader  stops,  gives 
the  low  cry  of  the  Ring-dove,  which  halts  his 
followers,  and  suspended  in  air,  gazes  at  the 
sleeping  form  of  a  young  white  man,  reclining, 
with  his  rifle  beside  him,  on  a  hammock  which 
rises  dry  and  grass-covered  above  the  surround- 
ing morasses. 

Motioning  his  band  to  follow,  the  chief  drops 
noiselessly  beside  the  sleeper,  stealthily  seizes 
the  gun,  revolver,  and  bowie-knife  of  the  help- 
less victim,  hands  them  to  others,  and  shouts 
"  Humph,  wake  up  !  "  The  pale-face  reaches  for 
his  weapons,  and  finding  them  gone,  jumps  to  his 
feet,  gazing  without  flinching  at  his  stalwart 
captors. 

"  Who  you  be  ?  "  grunted  the  chief.  "  What 
for  you  here  ?  " 

"  I  am  Henry  Lee  of  Lawtey,"  was  the  calm 
reply,  "  and  I  am  hunting." 

"  Humph,  you  white  man  hunt  Seminole  from 


178        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

earth.  You  no  right  here.  You  my  prisoner; 
follow  me,  my  slave." 

As  resistance  was  useless,  the  youth  silently 
obeys,  climbing  hour  after  hour  until  his  arms 
seemed  about  to  be  wrenched  from  their  sockets. 
At  last,  just  as  the  rising  sun  shot  his  lances  of 
light  through  the  forest's  gloom,  the  chief  drops 
to  solid  earth,  followed  by  all. 

A  romantically  beautiful  scene  lies  before 
them.  No  longer  the  styx-like  waters ;  the 
funereal  realms  of  Pluto  have  vanished,  and  an 
elevated  plateau  appears,  partially  cleared.  Here 
and  there  graceful  palms,  tall,  slender  cocoanut 
and  orange  trees  laden  with  fruit ;  sparkling 
springs  ;  abundant  harvests  of  varied  crops ;  pic- 
turesque wigwams  and  huts,  fair  as  the  garden 
of  the  Lord.  A  pack  of  dogs  started  to  yelp,  but 
at  once  slunk  away  at  a  word  from  the  chieftain, 
who  points  to  a  hut,  quietly  saying:  "Go  in 
there  till  I  call  you." 

Henry  obeyed,  and  exhausted  with  his  jour- 
ney, sank  quickly  to  sleep  upon  the  straw-covered 
floor.  At  length,  when  the  sun  was  high  in  the 
heavens,  he  was  awakened  by  a  black  man,  who 
placed  before  him  some  venison  and  corn  bread, 
then  silently  withdrew.  After  satisfying  his 
hunger,  he  went  out  to  explore. 

It  was  an  ideal  scene  of  tropical  luxuriance  ; 
cattle  and  sheep  were  feeding  upon  the  abundant 


SUNBEAM,  THE  SEMINOLE.  179 

grasses ;  but  they  suddenly  took  to  their  heels, 
with  uplifted  tails  and  terrified  eyes,  at  the  sight 
of  his  white  face,  a  spectacle  never  before  seen  on 
this  oasis,  peopled  hitherto  exclusively  by  "  Cop- 
perheads." Swarms  of  children  were  shooting 
their  arrows  at  deer-skin  targets;  groups  of 
braves,  fantastically  attired,  lounged  under  the 
shade  of  the  wide-spreading  umbrella  trees,  smo- 
king fragrant  tobacco  in  long-stemmed  pipes,  but 
they  did  not  deign  to  give  the  visitor  even  an  in- 
quiring glance. 

Henry  interviewed  a  number  of  negroes  hoe- 
ing corn  and  sweet  potatoes,  who  informed  him 
in  broken  English  that  they  were  the  slaves  of 
the  Indians ;  that  they  had  never  heard  of  the 
civil  war,  nor  of  Abraham  Lincoln.  They  claimed 
to  be  well  treated,  and  were  contented,  having 
plenty  to  eat  and  no  very  severe  labor.  They 
cast  anxious  glances  towards  the  village,  and 
seemed  glad  when  he  walked  away,  saying  they 
had  never  before  seen  a  white  man  and  thought 
he  must  be  "  big  medicine." 

The  birds  were  singing  gaily,  all  nature  smiled 
complacently,  and  he  strolled  over  the  flower- 
bedecked  fields  into  the  recesses  of  the  forest, 
where  he  seated  himself  under  a  blossom-covered 
magnolia  around  which  twined  the  fragrant  jes- 
samine. He  gave  himself  up  to  day-dreams. 
All  at  once  a  light,  moccasined  footfall  is  heard, 


180        THE  GENTLEMAN  FR03I  EVERYWHERE. 

and  there  stepped  from  the  woods  an  Indian 
girl,  graceful  as  a  fawn,  with  her  head  crowned 
with  flowers,  and  softly  singing  a  strange,  sweet 
song  in  an  unknown  tongue.  When  the  stranger 
was  seen  she  started  to  flee,  but  with  a  smile  he 
beckoned  her  to  stop,  which  she  did,  as  though 
hypnotized. 

"Oh,"  she  whispered,  "you  are  the  pale-face 
my  father  has  captured ;  but  if  Tiger-tail  should 
see  me  speaking  to  you,  he  would  kill  us  both. 
Such  is  the  law  of  the  Seminoles.  No  Indian 
maiden  must  speak  to  a  white  man ;  but  I  never 
saw  such  as  you  before." 

"  But,  how  happens  it,"  said  he,  in  astonish- 
ment," that  you  speak  my  language  ?  " 

"  My  father  taught  me,"  was  the  reply,  "  he  is 
a  scholar ;  we  all  speak  some  American." 

"May  I  know  your  name?"  asked  our 
hero. 

"  I  am  Sunbeam,  daughter  of  the  Seminole 
chief." 

"  And  mine  is  Henry  Lee,"  he  replied  to  her 
inquiring  look.  "  You  are  well  named,"  he  con- 
tinued. "  I  have  seen  many  daughters  of  the  pale- 
faces ;  but  none  so  fair  and  bright  as  you.  Sun- 
beam, at  this  my  first  glance,  I  love  you  ;  can 
you  sometime  love  me  ?  " 

"I  do  love  you  now,"  replied  the  artless  girl ; 
"  the   Great  Spirit   tells   me  to  do  so ;    but   we 


SUNBEAM,   THE  SEMINOLE.  181 

must  not  be  seen  together ;  they  will  kill  us,  we 
must  part  at  once." 

"  Dearest,"  cried  Henry,  "  when  can  we  meet 
again  ?  " 

"  To-morrow  at  noon,"  came  the  impulsive  re- 
ply. "  In  my  cave  there  back  of  that  cypress ; 
no  one  is  allowed  to  enter  but  me ;  there  I  say 
my  prayers,  and  my  father  says  it  is  sacred  to 
me  alone.  Good-bye,  Henry,"  and  she  sped  like 
a  deer  into  the  shades  of  the  forest. 

The  youth  was  sincere,  for  it  had  flashed  upon 
him  like  an  inspiration  when  their  eyes  first  met, 
that  she  was  born  for  him,  and  he  for  her.  They 
were  married  in  heaven,  ages  ago.  It  came  like 
a  word  from  the  Infinite  to  these  kindred  souls. 
A  sudden  rent  in  the  veil  of  darkness  which  sur- 
rounds us  manifests  things  unseen.  Such  visions 
sometimes  effect  a  transformation  in  those  whom 
they  visit,  converting  a  poor  camel  driver  into  a 
Mohammed,  a  peasant  girl  tending  goats,  into  a 
Joan  of  Arc. 

This  love-flash  from  the  invisible  blent  these 
two  hitherto  widely  separated  souls  into  one, 
even  as  the  positive  electricity  leaps  through  the 
spaces  to  find  the  negative,  and  when  met,  dis- 
solves the  separateness  into  a  harmonious  oneness 
which  can  never  be  sundered.  The  unsophisti- 
cated Indian  maiden  Avent  her  way,  thrilling 
with    the    thought    that    her    heart    is    in   his 


182        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

bosom,  and  his  in  hers,  useless  one  without  the 
other. 

The  white  youth  was  suddenly  changed  from 
an  idle,  wandering,  purposeless  dreamer,  into  a 
fearless  lover,  ready  to  face  death  itself  to  secure 
the  object  of  his  worship,  and  he  sauntered  back 
to  his  hut  with  no  flinching  from  the  many 
dangers  which  surrounded  him. 

There  a  black  slave  met  him,  bearing  an  abun- 
dant feast.  "  Eat,"  said  the  negro,  "  and  then  go 
to  the  lodge  of  T5ger-tail,  the  largest  in  the  vil- 
lage, with  the  skin  of  a  tiger  stretched  on  the 
door." 

As  soon  as  Henry  had  assuaged  his  hunger, 
he  hastened  to  obey  the  summons.  As  before, 
no  human  being  noticed  him,  and  he  walked  to 
the  wigwam,  knocked  on  the  door-post,  and 
answering  the  "  come"  from  within,  entered.  To 
his  astonishment,  the  giant  leader  was  evidently 
trying  to  read  a  newspaper,  but  took  no  notice 
of  his  entrance  for  some  minutes,  when  he  sud- 
denly said  : 

"  What  is  this  ? "  pointing  to  a  line  of  what 
Henry  saw  was  the  message  to  Congress  of  the 
President  of  the  United  States.  The  chief 
watched  closely  as  his  captive  slowly  read : 

"  The  Seminole  Indians  have  been  driven  by 
our  troops  to  their  fastnesses  in  the  swamps  of 
the  Everglades,  and  it  is  for  Congress  to  decide 


SUNBEAM,  THE  SEMINOLE.  183 

whether  they  shall  be  further  punished  for  their 
outbreak." 

The  chief  slowly  rose  to  his  full  height,  and 
walked  in  silence  for  a  long  time,  when  he 
turned  to  our  hero,  and  fastened  upon  him  his 
eagle  eyes.  "  Humph,"  at  length  he  muttered, 
"  the  pale-face  rob  Seminole  of  everything  else, 
now  he  follow  us  here: — no,  the  great  father 
must  know  the  truth,  you  teach  me  to  write  him, 
no  white  man  ever  come  here  and  go  away  to 
tell,  you  stay  here  always ;  you  no  speak  to  any 
one  here  but  me,  you  set  down,  teach  me." 

For  a  long  time  Henry  labored  hard  to  show 
this  remarkable  savage  how  to  read  and  write. 
No  teacher  ever  had  a  more  attentive  pupil ;  but 
it  was  very  difficult  for  his  untutored  mind  to 
master  these,  to  him,  puzzling  hieroglyphics.  At 
length,  Tiger-tail  arose,  and  saying  in  an  ex- 
asperated tone : 

"Humph!  Damn!  Me  kill  something,  me 
mad !  You  come  here  every  day  when  I  send 
for  you,"  and  seizing  his  rifle,  and  pointing  the 
youth  to  go,  he  strode  savagely  away  into  the 
woods. 

The  youth  returned  to  his  hut,  and  wearied 
with  his  unusual  labors,  was  soon  asleep,  dream- 
ing all  night  of  the  loved  Sunbeam,  whom  he 
hoped  would  soon  irradiate  the  darkness  of  his 
life.     The  hours  of  the  next  day  dragged  away 


184        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

on  leaden  wings,  and  the  trysting  hour  drew 
near  ;  but  to  his  utter  disgust,  just  as  he  was  on 
the  point  of  going  to  his  beloved,  the  negro  ap- 
peared summoning  him  once  more  to  the  chief, 
and  his  heart  sank  with  fear  that  their  secret 
was  discovered. 

Tiger-tail  betrayed  no  emotion,  and  for  a  long 
time  teacher  and  pupil  struggled  with  their  tasks 
as  before,  until  the  Indian,  unable  to  restrain  his 
pent-up  restlessness  longer,  strode  away  to  seek 
relief  in  the  chase,  leaving  Henry  to  wend  his 
way  with  many  watchful  glances  to  the  shrine 
of  his  worship. 

While  walking  slowly  and  circuitously  to 
avoid  suspicion,  and  closely  scrutinizing  the 
trunks  and  tops  of  trees  for  any  spy  who  might 
be  watching,  he  noticed  a  slight  movement  of 
the  tall  grass  around  a  fallen  cypress,  and  rush- 
ing to  reconnoitre,  a  warrior  leaped  to  his  feet 
and  dashed  into  the  underbrush.  Then  the  youth 
realized  that  suspicious  eyes  were  following  him, 
and  that  he  was  risking  his  life  to  meet  the 
daughter  of  the  chief. 

He  dared  not  enter  the  mouth  of  the  cave  ;  but 
walked  through  the  thick  bushes  above  it  much 
depressed  in  spirit,  when  suddenly  he  heard  his 
name  softly  called,  and  looking  downward,  saw 
an  opening  into  the  earth  large  enough  to  admit 
his  body.     "  Drop  down  this  way,"   was   whis- 


SUNBEAM,  THE  SEMINOLE.  185 

pered,  and  after  assuring  himself  that  no  spy  was 
in  sight,  he  obeyed,  falling  into  the  arms  of  the 
waiting  girl. 

"  Henry,"  said  she,  "  I  was  followed ;  but  no 
one  knows  of  this  entrance  but  myself ;  close  it 
with  this  shrub.  We  are  watched,  and  must 
never  meet  here  again." 

"  But,  dearest,"  sobbed  the  youth,  "  life  is  not 
worth  living  without  you;  we  must  escape  to- 
gether this  very  night." 

"  I  will  go  with  you  to  the  ends  of  the  earth," 
was  the  reply.  "  I  loved  you  long  before  you 
came  here ;  I  have  the  gift  of  second  sight. 
Months  ago  I  saw  you  coming  to  me.  I  have 
explored  the  way  to  the  great  river.  At  mid- 
night, meet  me  under  the  great  cypress,  throw 
this  perfume  to  the  dogs  and  they  will  not  bark ; " 
she  handed  him  a  small  vial.  "  I  must  go ;  you 
follow  when  you  hear  the  Eing-dove  coo ;  go  to 
your  hut."     She  embraced  him,  and  was  gone. 

Soon,  he  heard  the  signal,  and  he  cautiously 
raised  himself  to  the  upper  air,  returned  to  his 
wigwam,  and  was  soon  enjoying  rapturous  dreams 
with  his  head  resting  where  he  knew  the  rays  of 
the  moon  would  shine  into  his  face  to  awaken 
him  at  the  appointed  time  for  flight.  When  he 
peered  anxiously  through  the  entrance  of  his 
wigwam  at  a  little  before  midnight,  he  was  ap- 
palled at  the  sight.     A  multitude  of  dogs  sur- 


186        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

rounded  the  hut,  ready,  evidently  by  their  yelp- 
ings, to  bring  down  upon  him  the  whole  tribe  of 
Indians,  should  he  try  to  escape. 

"Alas,"  thought  he,  "there  are  battles  with 
fate  which  can  never  be  won,"  and  for  a  moment 
he  seemed  paralyzed  at  his  doom.  Then  came  to 
mind  a  recollection  of  the  perfume  given  him  by 
his  thoughtful  Sunbeam,  and  he  resolved  to  do  or 
die. 

Noiselessly  as  a  shadow,  he  stepped  out,  hoping 
to  escape  the  attention  of  his  canine  guards ;  but 
in  a  moment,  every  cur  was  on  his  feet  and  were 
about  to  make  the  welkin  ring,  when  he  threw 
at  the  leader  the  contents  of  his  vial.  Instantly, 
all  fawned  at  his  feet,  and  he  hastened  to  his  ren- 
dezvous. 

Not  a  sound  was  heard  save  an  occasional  snore 
from  some  sleeper,  and  soon  he  found  his  faithful 
sweetheart  in  the  shadow  of  the  century-old 
cypress.  She  quickly  slung  his  rifle  across  his 
back,  fastened  about  him  the  revolver  and  bowie- 
knife,  bound  over  her  own  shoulder  a  bag  of 
provisions ;  "  follow  me,"  she  whispered,  and 
away  they  sped  into  the  vast  primeval  forest. 

For  hours  they  hastened  in  silence,  then  the 
maiden  halted  at  the  edge  of  a  dark  morass,  and 
whispered  :  "  Here  we  leave  the  earth ;  I  know 
the  way,"  and  they  launched  themselves  into  the 
limbs  of  the  trees,  clambered  hand  over  hand  for 


SUNBEAM,  THE  SEMINOLE.  187 

a  long,  long  time ;  when  well-nigh  exhausted,  they 
dropped  down  into  a  little  brook,  carefully  avoid- 
ing any  contact  with  the  tell-tale  earth. 

"  Quick,"  said  Sunbeam  ;  "  we  must  hasten  up 
this  stream  which  will  conceal  our  footsteps,  to 
the  great  river,  where  we  can  hide  and  rest  in  a 
great  hollow  tree  which  I  found  there,"  and 
on  they  went  with  their  feeble  remnant  of 
strength. 

At  last,  just  as  the  rising  sun  was  dispersing 
the  vapors  of  night,  our  elopers  swung  themselves 
from  the  brook  into  the  branches  of  an  overarch- 
ing hollow  tree,  helped  each  other  to  the  bottom 
of  this  house  not  made  with  hands,  and  soon 
slept  the  slumber  of  utter  exhaustion.  It  was 
many  hours  before  tired  nature's  sweet  restorer 
released  these  two  loving  children  from  its  em- 
braces, and  then  it  seemed  as  if  all  the  fiends 
from  heaven  that  fell  had  pealed  the  banner-cry 
of  hell. 

The  howls  of  dogs,  and  the  savage  war-whoops 
announced  that  their  enemies  were  upon  them ; 
but  undismayed  by  the  terrible  dangers,  they  re- 
solved to  die  together  rather  than  endure  separa- 
tion. 

"  My  father  never  loved  me,"  whispered  Sun- 
beam, "  because  I  am  a  girl,  while  he  hoped  for 
a  warrior  child  ;  if  they  find  us,  kill  me ;  I  cannot 
live  without  you." 


188        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

"  "We  will  go  to  the  Great  Spirit  together,  be- 
loved," was  the  calm  reply. 

Soon  they  heard  the  voice  of  Tiger-tail  close  to 
them,  talking  to  his  braves.  "They  no  cross 
river,"  he  said ;  "  all  canoes  here,  dogs  no  get 
scent,  all  back  to  swamp,  we  find  um  there,  you, 
War-Eagle,  watch  canoes."  Again  the  air  re- 
sounds with  the  yells  of  dogs  and  warriors,  then 
all  was  silent. 

"  "War-Eagle  hate  me,"  whispered  the  maiden, 
"  cos  I  no  be  his  squaw ;  but  we  must  go  before 
they  return."  Slowly  the  lovers  pulled  them- 
selves upward  by  the  ingrown  stumps  of  limbs, 
and,  concealed  in  the  thick  branches,  looked 
around ;  no  one  was  in  sight  except  the  Indian 
left  to  guard  the  canoes,  and  he  was  reclining  on 
the  bank  of  the  river,  evidently  exhausted. 

Noiselessly  they  lowered  themselves  to  the 
ground  and  approached  the  recumbent  brave, 
when  a  loud  snore  showed  that  their  enemy  was 
in  the  land  of  nod.  "  Take  my  revolver,"  said 
Henry,  "  and  shoot — if  we  must,"  then,  making 
a  slip-noose  of  the  stout  thongs  which  had  bound 
the  provision  bag,  he  deftly  slipped  it  around  the 
arms  of  the  Indian,  and  with  a  quick  jerk  he  was 
firmly  bound. 

The  savage  tried  to  grasp  his  gun,  but,  unable, 
was  about  to  give  the  whoop  of  alarm,  when  the 
youth  clapped  his  hand  over  the  vast  mouth  ;  the 


SUNBEAM,   THE  SEMINOLE.  189 

red  man  subsided,  was  quickly  gagged  and  tied  to 
a  tree. 

"  Now,  darling,  to  our  boat,"  and  into  it  they 
jumped,  and  Henry  bent  to  his  oars  with  all  his 
might.  On  they  sped  in  their  light  canoe,  these 
two  hearts  beating  as  one,  towards  liberty  and 
the  loved  ones  waiting  to  welcome  them  in  the 
white  man's  home.  "  Dearest  Sunbeam,"  said 
Henry,  resting  for  a  moment  on  his  oars,  "  soon 
you  will  be  the  fairest  flower  in  my  garden  of 
home." 

"  Oh,  Henry,"  was  the  faint  reply,  "  I  am  but 
a  simple  Indian  girl,  and  I  know  so  little." 

"  But  it  will  be  our  delight  to  live  and  learn  to- 
gether," said  Henry,  "  for  — 

"  '  Thou  art  all  to  me,  love,  for  which  my  heart  did  pine, 
A  green  isle  in  the  sea,  love,  a  fountain  and  a  shrine. '  ' ' 

On  they  glided,  out  of  that  paradise  of  nature, 
where  every  prospect  pleases,  and  naught  but 
man  is  vile.  Sunbeam  left  the  place  of  her  na- 
tivity without  a  lingering  glance  behind,  for  there 
she  had  been  nothing  but  an  unwelcome  girl. 

In  a  pretty  cottage  in  Lawtey,  you  may  now 
see  Sunbeam,  the  Seminole,  wife  of  a  successful 
planter,  Henry  Lee,  beloved  by  all  who  know 
her,  surrounded  by  orange  groves  and  fragrant 
flowers  in  that  land  of  perpetual  bloom. 


CHAPTER  XX. 

A    FOUNDER   OF   TOWNS   AND   CLUBS. 

MY  ship  of  life  was  laden  to  the  water's  edge 
with  labors  of  varying  utility.  We 
founded  the  Apollo  Club,  a  musical  and  literary 
organization  including  in  its  membership  the 
most  prominent  men  and  women  of  the  city  ;  we 
gave  entertainments  with  our  orchestra,  singing 
society,  and  costumed  dramatic  stars,  which  gave 
us  ample  funds  to  pay  for  numerous  delightful 
steamboat  excursions,  sleigh-rides  and  picnics, 
while  developing  our  latent  talents,  and  greatly 
enhancing  the  social  life  of  our  community. 

I  refer  to  this  with  much  pleasure,  as  it  led  to 
the  formation  of  similar  societies  in  many  sur- 
rounding towns,  much  to  the  benefit  of  all  con- 
cerned. I  made  an  elaborate  report  of  my 
Florida  observations  which  was  printed  entire  by 
the  United  States  Department  of  Agriculture, 
widely  distributed,  and  stimulated  many  to 
benefit  their  condition  by  securing  comfortable 
homes  in  that  land  of  fruits,  flowers  and  delight- 
ful climate. 

That  year  the  angel  world  sent  us  our  bright- 

190 


A  FOUNDER  OF  TOWNS  AND  CLUBS.  191 

eyed,  smiling  little  Elizabeth,  thus  making  our 
trio  of  sweet  singers  a  quartette  to  share  our  joys 
and  lessen  our  sorrows,  coming  like  the  dews 
from  that  heaven  to  which  we  all  return  when 
our  mission  to  refresh  and  inspire  the  earth  life 
is  ended.  It  is  interesting  to  note  the  varying 
definitions  of  the  word,  baby,  which  have  floated 
down  to  us  in  the  literature  of  all  nations.  Here 
are  some  of  them  which  I  have  culled  from 
various  authors : 

"A  tiny  feather  from  the  wing  of  love,  dropped   into  the 
sacred  lap  of  motherhood. ' ' 

"The  bachelor's  horror,  the  mother's  treasure,  and  the  des- 
potic tyrant  of  the  most  republican  household." 

"  A  human  flower  untouched  by  the  linger  of  care." 
"The  morning  caller,  noonday  crawler,  midnight  brawler." 
' '  The  magic  spell  by  which  the  gods  transform  a  house  into  a 
home." 

"A  bursting  bud  on  the  tree  of  life." 
"A  bold  asserter  of  the  rights  of  free  speech." 
"  A  tiny,  useless  mortal,  but  without  which  the  world  would 
soon  be  at  a  standstill." 

' '  A  native  of  all  countries  who  speaks  the  language  of 
none." 

"  A  mite  of  a  thing  that  requires  a  mighty  lot  of  attention." 
"A  daylight  charmer  and  a  midnight  alarm er." 
"A  wee  little  specimen  of  humanity,  whose  winsome  smile 
makes  a  good  man  think  of  the  angels. ' ' 
"A  curious  bud  of  uncertain  bloasom." 
"The  most  extensive  employer  of  female  labor." 
"That  which  increases  the  mother's  toil,  decreases  the  fath- 
er's cash,  and  serves  as  an  alarm  clock  to  the  neighbors." 
' '  It's  a  sweet  and  tiny  treasure, ' ' 


192        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

"A  torment  and  a  tease," 

"  It's  an  autocrat  and  anarchist," 

' '  Two  awful  things  to  please. ' ' 

"It's  a  rest  and  peace  disturber," 

' '  With  little  laughing  ways, ' ' 

"It's  a  wailing  human  night  alarm," 

' '  A  terror  of  your  days. ' ' 

And  this  final  definition  which  exactly  describes 
each  of  our  quartette, 

"  The  sweetest  thing  God  ever  made 
And  forgot  to  give  wings  to." 

To  crown  the  honors  which  this  year  were 
thrust  upon  me,  my  political  party  tendered  me 
the  nomination  for  mayor  of  the  city  ;  but  when 
I  ascertained  the  fact  that  I  would  be  obliged  to 
bribe  the  300  roosters  on  the  fence  who  held  the 
balance  of  power,  and  who  must  be  paid  two 
dollars  each  to  persuade  them  to  come  off  their 
perch  and  vote,  I  preferred  the  $600  to  the  empty 
honor,  and  declined. 

It  is  said  that  dame  fortune  knocks  once  at 
every  man's  door,  but  the  old  woman  sent  to 
mine  later,  her  ugly-faced  unmarried  daughter, 
mis-fortune.  At  the  request  of  some  of  the 
Boston  newspapers,  I  wrote  an  account  for  the 
press  of  my  Florida  journey  and  observations, 
which  attracted  much  attention  and  many  callers, 
among  whom  were  the  F brothers,  of  Bos- 
ton, who  painted  the  attractions  of  a  town  of 


A  FOUNDER  OF  TOWNS  AND  CLUBS.  193 

Orange  County  in  such  glowing  colors,  that  I  was 
induced  to  visit  said  place  in  summer  accompanied 
by  my  friend,  lawyer  S of  Newburyport. 

We  found  even  the  summer  climate  very  agree- 
able, the  location  very  attractive,  and  the  general 
prospects  for  a  northern  colony  there  quite  prom- 
ising. We  wandered  through  the  woods  far  and 
wide,  shooting  quail,  an  occasional  wild  turkey, 
caught  fish  from  the  numerous  beautiful  lakes, 
sleeping  sometimes  under  the  pines,  then  in 
houses,  whose  owners  were  away  visiting  with 
no  thought  of  locking  their  doors  in  this  land 
where  thieving  was  unknown.  We  led  a  real 
Bohemian  life  in  Arcady,  quietly  bonding  hun- 
dreds of  acres  of  land,  and  having  located  a 
hotel  and  townsite  between  two  charming  lakes, 

leaving  a  Mr.  G ■  W a  friend  of  the  F 

brothers,  as  superintendent,  to  secure  more  lands 
and  to  cut  avenues,  we  went  home,  where  we 
formed  a  syndicate  stock  company  of  which 
I  was  elected  general  manager,  with  full  powers 
to  sell  $50,000  of  stock  Avith  which  to  pay  for 
the  bonded  lands  and  the  building  of  a  hotel. 

I  sold  the  stock  at  $100  per  share,  giving  one 
acre  of  land  with  each  share  of  said  stock.  This 
would  have  been  a  very  successful  enterprise  had 
it  not  been  for  the  cunning  duplicity  and  greed 
of  our  superintendent,  who  proceeded  diligently 
to  "  feather  his  own  nest "  at  our  expense.     I  ac- 


194        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

coraplished  my  task  of  raising  funds  very  suc- 
cessfully, and  the  next  winter  moved  with  my 
family  to  A ,  taking  with  us  a  competent  en- 
gineer, a  Mr.  II ,  to  survey  and  stake  the  lands. 

Here  I  unearthed  the  rascality  of  the  superin- 
tendent, who,  beside  taking  our  salary  and  com- 
mission for  buying  lands,  had  extorted  large  com- 
missions and  bonuses  from  the  sellers,  which 
came  out  of  our  funds  in  increasing  the  prices  for 
which  the  lands  were  charged  to  our  company. 
In  addition  to  this  he  had  hired  a  large  force  of 
negroes  at  high  wages,  on  which  he  drew  a 
secret  commission,  opened  a  store,  selling  so 
called  canned  peaches, — which  really  contained 
much  whiskey  and  few  peaches — to  his  workmen, 
and  thus  getting  all  their  wages. 

I  at  once  discharged  all  the  superfluous  ne- 
groes, built  a  fine  hotel  which  was  soon  filled 
with  a  superior  class  of  people  from  the  north, 
set  out  orange  groves  for  non-resident  stock- 
holders, and  all  would  have  been  well,  had  it  not 
been  for  the  extraordinary  action  at  the  annual 
meeting  of  the  stockholders. 

While  I  was  engrossed  with  my  many  duties, 
the  superintendent  cunningly  went  north  and  se- 
cured proxies  in  his  name,  and  returning,  beat  me 
by  two  votes,  secured  for  himself  my  position  as 
general  manager,  and  then  proceeded  to  wreck 
the  whole  enterprise,  much  to  his  own  pecuniary 


A  FOUNDER  OF  TOWNS  AND  CLUBS.  195 

benefit,  while  my  friends  who  had  invested  on 
my  representations,  blamed  me  for  their  losses 
though  I  was  entirely  innocent  of  any  wrong 
whatever. 

To  cap  the  climax,  this  superintendent  refused 
to  make  an  accounting  for  several  thousand  dol- 
lars with  which  I  had  entrusted  him  to  make 
purchases  of  lands  on  my  personal  account.  I 
secured  a  warrant  for  his  arrest,  chased  him  half 
over  the  county  with  a  sheriff,  and  brought  him 
to  the  city  for  trial.  On  our  way  to  the  hotel,  I 
was  set  upon  by  a  crowd  of  roughs  who  had  been 
dined  and  wined  by  said  "W ,  and  who  threat- 
ened to  lynch  me.  I  backed  up  into  a  corner  of 
the  hotel  piazza,  laid  my  hand  on  an  imaginary 
revolver,  threatening  to  shoot,  and  was  defending 
myself  with  a  whirling  chair,  when  the  sheriff's 
posse  rushed  to  my  deliverance  in  the  nick  of 

time,  and  W was  forced  to  hand  over  my 

money. 

He  then  made  life  unbearable  by  sending  ne- 
groes at  night  in  my  absence  to  annoy  my  family, 
who  escaped  injury  only  by  the  vigorous  use  of  a 
revolver  by  my  wife  who  defended  the  little  ones 
by  numerous  shots  which  sent  the  tormentors 
flying  to  the  woods.  This  unscrupulous  superin- 
tendent secured  by  his  cunning  a  large  amount  of 
our  funds  ;  but  it  was  a  curse  to  him  for  he 
squandered  it  in  riotous  living. 


196        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

When  he  married  he  chartered  a  large  steamer 
and  brass  band,  took  on  board  a  crowd  of  guests, 
champagne  flowed  like  water,  every  luxury  was 
furnished  liberally,  and  the  excursion  was  a  pro- 
longed debauch. 

To-day  this  fellow  is  a  fugitive  from  justice, 
forsaken  by  wife  and  fair  weather  friends,  and 
thus  really,  if  not  literally,  is  fulfilled  the  proph- 
ecy of  the  poet, 

' '  Her  dark  wing  shall  the  raven  flap 

O'er  the  false-hearted, 
His  warm  blood  the  wolf  shall  lap 

E'er  life  be  parted, 
Shame  and  dishonor  sit 

O'er  his  grave  ever, 
Blessing  shall  hallow  it 

Never,  no  never." 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

A     MILLION     DOLLAE     BUSINESS     WITH     A    ONE 
DOLLAE   CAPITAL. 

SOON  after  my  encounter  at  S with  the 
unspeakable    W ,    I    met    Major    St. 

A ,  who  gave  a  cordial  invitation  to  myself 

and  family  to  become  his  guests  in  his  new  town 
of  T ,  with  a  view  to  securing  our  coopera- 
tion in  the  development  of  his  multitudinous 
schemes.  This  invitation  we  accepted,  and  very 
early  one  beautiful  morning  in  March,  my  wife, 
four  children  and  myself,  with  driver  and  guide, 
embarked  on  a  "prairie  schooner,"  drawn  by 
three  horses,  for  the  promised  land. 

It  was  an  ideal  drive  through  many  miles  of 
fragrant,  towering  pine  trees,  fording  beautiful 
lakes,  catching  fish,  shooting  game,  camping  for 
refreshment  on  the  banks  of  crystal  clear  brooks. 
The  oldest  girls  would  ride  on  the  horses'  backs, 
chase  quails,  pluck  the  wayside  flowers,  occa- 
sionally watching  the  flight  of  paroquettes  flash- 
ing like  diamonds  through  the  air,  listening  to 
the  mockingbirds  filling  the  woods  with  their 
exquisite  songs,  and  inhaling  as  it  were  the  ether 

197 


198        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

of  the  immortal  Gods,  the  matchless,  perfumed, 
life-giving  Florida  air. 

All  at  once,  with  little  warning,  as  is  usual  in 
semi-tropical  lands,  the  night  fell,  and  our  learned 
guide  suddenly  found  that  he  had  lost  the  trail. 
The  owls  hooted,  the  wild-cats  screamed,  like- 
wise the  "kids,"  with  overpowering  fear.  We 
plunged  ahead  at  random,  when  we  suddenly 
found  the  water  pouring  through  the  bottom  of 
our  "  schooner."  The  horses  reared  and  plunged, 
snorting  in  terror  probably  at  the  near  approach 
of  some  water  snake  or  alligator. 

We  might  have  been  all  drowned,  had  we  not 
discovered  a  lantern  hung  in  a  tree  by  our  ex- 
pectant friends,  towards  which  we  steered  our 
course  to  dry  land.  By  the  aid  of  the  light  we 
found  the  trail,  and  at  length  reached  the  Major's 
hotel,  hungry  and  tired.  Here  we  found  our  em- 
barrassed host  haggling  and  swearing  with  a 
bearer  of  provisions  who  refused  to  leave  the 
goods  until  he  received  his  payment  therefor. 

Our  landlord  appeared  to  be  "dead  broke," 
but  finally  persuaded  the  reluctant  provision- 
dealer  to  go  away  with  his  pockets  filled  with 
"  I.  O.  U.'s  "  instead  of  cash,  and  about  midnight 
on  the  verge  of  starvation  we  fully  appreciated 
an  abundant  feast.  We  soon  found  that  our  en- 
thusiastic friend  was  trying  to  do  a  million  dollar 
business  on  a  one  dollar  capital.     He  was  build- 


Flight  of  the  Governor  and  Staff. 


A  MILLION  DOLLAR  BUSINESS.  201 

ing  two  railroads,  running  a  steamboat  line,  a 
hotel,  a  sawmill,  building  a  town  and  a  fifty 
thousand  dollar  opera  house  for  a  one  hundred 
population  town,  with  not  a  dollar  in  his 
pocket. 

The  next  day  we  sailed  on  his  steamer  to  meet 
the  governor  of  the  state,  and  his  staff  who  were 
invited  to  attend  a  ball  in  his  honor.  The  crew 
was  mutinous  on  account  of  receiving  no  pay, 
the  antiquated  machinery  broke  down  every  few 
minutes,  and  the  Major  had  a  fierce  quarrel  with 
a  negro  minister  who  had  paid  first-class  fare 
and  refused  to  take  second-class  quarters,  to 
which  all  colored  folks  were  forced  at  the  muzzle 
of  the  revolver,  and  a  bloody  race  battle  was 
only  avoided  by  the  fact  that  the  negroes  were 
entirely  unarmed. 

At  length,  loading  the  deck  with  wild  ducks, 
and  fish  that  fairly  jumped  into  the  little  boat 
to  avoid  their  enemies,  the  ferocious  gar-fish,  we 
took  the  governor  and  staff  on  board,  and  floun- 
dered back  at  a  snail's  pace  to  T .     At  the 

landing,  we  boarded  a  dilapidated  street  car 
drawn  by  mules,  for  the  hotel. 

Soon — crash !  bang,  a  rail  gave  way,  sending 
the  dignified  governor, — stove-pipe  hat  flying  in 
the  air,  coat-tails  covering  his  head, — into  a 
ditch,  his  long  legs  kicking  frantically  to  extri- 
cate his  head  from  the  mud.     We  rescued  him 


202        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

and  staff  with  difficulty  from  the  filth,  look- 
ing like  a  bedraggled  pack  of  half-drowned 
rats. 

Finally  we  reached  the  hotel,  when  the  colored 
orchestra  from  Jacksonville  rushed  upon  our 
host  demanding  their  pay  in  advance,  with  furi- 
ous oaths  and  unclassical  imprecations.  In  some 
way,  the  embarrassed  diplomat  silenced  their 
clamors ;  then  the  colored  waiters  struck  for 
their  pay,  and  "  razors  were  flying  in  the  air." 
The  furious  landlord  at  last  quieted  their  clamor 
with  a  shotgun,  and  at  about  midnight  the 
grand  march  was  sounded,  and  a  nearly  famished 
crowd  made  desperate  efforts  to  look  cheerful 
and  "  trip  the  light  fantastic  toe."  All  earthly 
horrors  have  an  end,  and  in  the  wee  small  hours 
a  starving  multitude  was  treated  to  a  barbacue 
by  our  half-crazed  host. 

Almost  every  white  man  in  this  town  sold  chain- 
lightning  whiskey,  and  in  our  short  walk  from 
dance  hall  to  hotel  we  were  obliged  to  jump  over 
the  prostrate  forms  of  drunken  darkies. 

As  in  the  lowlands,  bordering  upon  large  bodies 
of  water,  in  all  tropical  and  semi-tropical  coun- 
tries, we  found,  to  our  horror  and  dismay,  the 
mosquitoes  in  ferocious,  bloodthirsty  swarms 
which  rendered  life  not  worth  the  living ;  so,  as 
soon  as  we  could,  without  seriously  offending  our 
host,  we  took  our  flight,  at  least  what  little  there 


A  MILLION  DOLLAR  BUSINESS.  203 

was   left  of  us,  to  the  delightful  highlands  of 
Marion  County. 

Here,  free  from  the  horrors  of  mosquitoes,  we 
recruited  our  attenuated  bodies  at  the  elegant 
Ocala  House,  thence  by  rail  to  Jacksonville 
where  we  took  the  steamer  for  home.  Off 
Hatteras  we  encountered  a  wild  storm  which  sent 
our  great  boat  well-nigh  to  the  stars,  then  with 
an  almost  perpendicular  plunge,  almost  to  Davy 
Jones'  locker,  until,  with  the  nauseating  sea- 
sickness, we  were  afraid,  first  that  we  should  die 
and  later  we  only  feared  lest  we  should  not  die. 

At  last  the  young  cyclone  subsided,  and  we 
sailed  over  a  tranquil  sea  into  Boston  harbor, 
thence  by  rail  to  our  Bay  state  home.  At  Jack- 
sonville, by  the  way,  we  had  an  experience  quite 
characteristic  of  those  ante-free-delivery  days  of 
old.  I  went  to  the  post-office  for  our  mail,  hav- 
ing but  a  few  minutes  to  spare  before  the  de- 
parture of  the  north-bound  train.  To  my  dis- 
gust, I  found  a  line  of  negroes  nearly  half  a  mile 
in  length  waiting  their  turns  for  calling  for 
letters.  One  would  step  to  the  window  and  in 
an  exasperatingly  in-no-hurry  way,  say :  "  Any- 
thing for  Andrew  Jackson,  sah  ?  "  After  a  long 
delay — "  no  !  " 

"  Do  yer  'spect  dere  may  be  soon,  sah  ?  " 

"  Did  you  expect  any  ?  "  came  the  reply. 

"No  sah,  but  sumbudy  might  write,  sah." 


204        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

"  Gwan,  next ! "  Then  some  white  man  in  a 
hurry  would  step  up  to  next — "  here's  a  quarter 
for  your  place,  git  aout ! "  The  darky  would 
pocket  his  money  with  a  broad  grin,  and  but  for 
his  ears,  the  top  of  his  head  would  be  an 
island. 

I  could  not  wait,  and  would  not  bribe,  so  went 
to  the  door  of  the  office,  and  kicked  and  banged 
furiously.  "  G'way  fum  de  doo' !  What  de  hell 
you  do  on  de  doo'  ?  "  came  from  the  inside. 

"  I'm  a  government  officer  from  Washington," 
I  shouted.  "  Open  the  door  or  I'll  knock  it 
down."  Out  popped  the  "  cullud  pusson  "  profuse 
in  apologies.  I  grabbed  my  mail  and  rushed 
for  the  train  in  the  very  nick  of  time. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

PENDULUM   'TWIXT   SMILES   AND   TEAKS. 

IN  many  particulars  this  year  of  our  Lord,  1883, 
was  a  sad  one  for  us  all.  The  pecuniary 
loss,  resultant  upon  the  town-building  disaster, 
was  severe  ;  but  the  revelation  which  came  to 
me  of  the  innate  meanness  of  human  nature  in 
matters  of  money,  was  the  more  depressing  by  far. 

It  was  amazing  to  hear  wealthy  people,  who 
had  bought  of  me  a  few  hundred  dollars'  worth 
of  stock,  and  who  really  felt  the  loss  of  it  much 
less  than  they  would  suffer  from  a  fly  bite,  whine 
as  if  this  had  reduced  them  to  the  direst  poverty, 
and  insinuate  that  I,  who  had  lost  manifold  more 
than  they,  should  refund,  though  the  loss  was 
entirely  the  result  of  their  own  stupidity  in  fail- 
ing to  send  me  the  proxies  I  had  asked  for  by  mail. 

We  consoled  ourselves,  as  usual,  with  the 
knowledge  that  we  had  acted  honestly  and  con- 
scientiously towards  all,  and  that  the  miseries  of 
this  short  life  are  "  not  worthy  to  be  compared 
with  the  glory  which  shall  be  revealed  in  us  in 
the  near  future  of  the  life  eternal." 

205 


206        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

The  blue  arch  above  us,  ever  changing  like  the 
sea,  has  always  possessed  a  peculiar  fascination 
for  me,  and  I  never  let  slip  a  convenient  opportu- 
nity to  feast  my  eyes  upon  it.  I  was  pursuing 
this  favorite  occupation  one  day  this  year,  when 
an  unusually  beautiful  cloud  attracted  my  atten- 
tion, and  as  I  watched  its  rapidly  changing  forms, 
there  was  slowly  evolved  from  it  the  kindly  lov- 
ing face  of  my  mother.  It  was  no  fancy,  no  dis- 
torted figment  of  a  dream.  The  dear  face  smiled 
upon  me  with  angelic  sweetness,  glanced  upward, 
and  was  gone ;  then  I  knew  that  I  had  another 
guardian  angel  in  heaven. 

In  a  short  time,  news  came  from  R that 

she  who  had  gladly  devoted  her  life  to  self-sacri- 
fice for  her  children,  had  been  relieved  from  the 
always  weak  and  suffering  body. 

Dear,  good  mother!  Her  highest  and  only 
ambition  was  to  do  good ;  not  a  selfish  thought 
ever  even  flitted  across  her  horizon.  Frank  as 
the  day,  constant  as  the  sun,  pure  as  the  dew ; 
like  our  Lord  himself,  she  sacrificed  herself  for 
the  good  of  others.  Her  sons,  Richard  and  Mark, 
welcomed  her  at  the  gates  ajar,  and  she  was  at 
rest. 

"What  is  death  but  a  journey  home  ? 
A  perfect  rest  when  the  work  is  done, 
A  gentle  sleep  for  earth -weary  eyes, 
And  the  soul  ascends  to  the  azure  skies. 


PENDULU3I  'TWIXT  SMILES  AND  TEARS.       207 

We  in  the  earth  life  went  on  as  best  we  could. 
My  only  brother  Joshua  sold  the  old  homestead 
with  its  burdens,  too  heavy  for  him  to  bear  alone, 
bought  our  former  home  for  one-half  it  had  cost 
us,  which  was  much  more  than  any  other  would 
pay  for  it ;  while  we  sold  our  castle  and  farm 
which  had  become  a  mountain  on  our  shoulders, 
and  went  to  live  with  my  wife's  parents  in  Bos- 
ton, where  I  continued  my  work  of  introducing 
the  school  text- books  which  had  been  sold,  and 
myself  with  them,  to  a  New  York  publishing 
firm. 

When  the  winter  winds  and  snows  began  to 
blow,  I  longed  for  the  balmy  zephyrs  of  fair 
Florida,  and  like  the  summer  birds,  I  once  more 
journeyed  southward  ;  there,  after  a  long  search 
for  the  best  throughout  the  land  of  flowers,  jour- 
neying in  steam  yachts,  row-boats,  on  horseback, 
and  sometimes  hand  over  hand  on  the  branches 
of  trees,  over  tracks  inaccessible  in  any  other 
manner,  I  formed  another  stock  company  consist- 
ing of  several  financiers  who  had  spent  all  their 
lives  in  Florida,  and  secured  many  thousands  of 
acres  of  excellent  lands  in  the  highlands  of  Marion 
County,  hoping  to  do  good  and  get  good  by  in- 
ducing the  surplus  population  of  our  cities  to  go 
back  to  the  bosom  of  Mother  Earth,  where  a  mod- 
erate amount  of  labor  will  give  them  an  inde- 
pendent livelihood  free  from  the  snow  and  cold 


208        TEE  GENTLEMAN  FR03I  EVERYWHERE. 

which  infest  the  wintry  north,  free  from  the 
heart-breaking  demoralization  of  begging  for  work 
in  our  overcrowded  cities  where  scores  of  the 
poverty-stricken  are  tumbling  over  each  other  in 
the  frantic  grabbing  for  every  job  of  work  and 
every  crumb  of  charity. 

Were  a  mere  modicum  of  the  vast  sums  now 
worse  than  wasted  in  pauperizing  the  unem- 
ployed; a  tithe  of  the  money  squandered  on 
building  palaces  for  our  numberless,  ever-begging 
colleges,  devoted  to  settling  the  poor  upon  the 
unimproved  lands  in  Florida,  the  dangerous  flood 
of  ever-increasing  crime,  and  physical  and  mental 
suffering  which  now  threatens  the  very  existence 
of  our  republic,  would  soon  vanish  from  our  cities, 
and  thousands  of  the  dangerous  classes  would 
become  self-supporting,  self-respecting,  independ- 
ent men  and  women. 

Were  a  tithe  of  the  vast  sums  lavished  by  our 
millionaires  upon  the  pictured  walls,  gorgeously 
embellished  ceilings,  overcrowded  book  shelves  of 
our  numerous  libraries,  and  upon  the  unchristlike 
towers  of  unfrequented  cathedrals,  be  even  loaned 
to  those  who  would  gladly  cultivate  the  thou- 
sands of  acres  of  untilled  soil  in  fair  Florida,  all 
the  suffering  hangers-on  for  jobs  would  become 
successful  agriculturists,  owning  their  own  farms, 
buying  their  own  books,  and  sufficiently  edu- 
cating their  own  children. 


PENDULUM  'TWIXT  SMILES  AND  TEARS.       209 

If  the  money  spent  every  winter  in  pauperizing 
the  unemployed  by  giving  them  free  soup,  could 
be  devoted  to  settling  colonies  upon  our  unculti- 
vated lands,  the  vexing  problems  and  contests 
between  labor  and  capital  would  be  easily  solved 
and  obliterated ;  the  unskilled  poor  would  be  at 
once  enabled  to  respond  to  the  call  of  the  poet  — 

"  Come  back  to  your  mother,  ye  children,  for  shame, 
Who  have  wandered  like  truants  for  riches  or  fame  ! 
With  a  smile  on  her  face,  and  a  sprig  in  her  cap, 
She  calls  you  to  feast  from  her  beautiful  lap. 

Come  out  from  your  alleys,  your  courts  and  your  lanes, 
And  breathe  like  your  eagles,  the  air  of  our  plains  ! 
Take  a  whiff  from  our  fields,  and  your  excellent  wives 
Will  declare  it  all  nonsense  insuring  your  lives." 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

MONARCH  OF  ALL  HE  SURVEYED  :  THEN  DEPOSED. 

HERE  on  elevated  lands  around  a  pretty  clear- 
water  lake,  directly  on  the  Florida  Central 
and  Peninsula  Railroad,  and  near  a  famous  grotto 
extending  deep  into  the  earth,  at  the  bottom  of 
which,  like  a  well,  was  an  abundance  of  water 
containing  peculiar  fish,  near  the  noted  Eichel- 
burger  cave,  and  vast  forests  of  gigantic  trees 
with  sloping  hills  around,  we  founded  the  town 
of  B . 

I  was  elected  general  manager,  and  went 
north  to  sell  the  $100,000  of  capital  stock,  con- 
vertible at  the  option  of  the  holder  into  our  lands 
at  schedule  price,  leaving  a  Mr.  B as  super- 
intendent to  cut  avenues,  build  a  hotel,  and  con- 
duct the  general  affairs  in  my  absence. 

For  several  years  I  devoted  all  my  energies 
very  successfully  to  selling  the  stock  and  organi- 
zing colonies  of  settlers.  I  paid  ten  per  cent, 
dividend  on  the  stock  while  I  was  manager,  be- 
sides furnishing  thousands  of  dollars  to  defray 
expenses  of  building  a  handsome  railway  station, 
210 


MONARCH  OF  ALL  HE  SURVEYED.  211 

a  fine  commodious  schoolhouse  and  town  hall,  a 
good  hotel,  and  providing  good  roads. 

I  went  to  Tallahassee,  and  log  rolled  through 
the  state  legislature  a  bill  enabling  us  to  form  a 
city  government,  and  statutory  prohibition  of  all 
liquor  selling  in  our  new  town  by  incorporating 
said  prohibition  into  all  our  deeds.  After  se- 
curing these  funds  and  many  settlers,  also  Ex- 
Governor  Chamberlain  of  Maine  as  president  of 
our  board  of  directors,  I  moved  to  the  new  town 
with  my  family,  there  to  reside  permanently. 

Here  our  duties  were  in  many  respects  agree- 
able, because  useful,  for  quite  a  long  time.  My 
wife  was  mother  of  the  town,  going  from  house 
to  house  ministering  to  the  wants  of  the  new- 
comers who  had  become  sick  by  their  carelessness 
in  exposing  themselves  by  night  and  day  while 
intoxicated  with  the  delights  of  this  incomparable 
climate.  She  formed  a  union  church,  sang  in  the 
choir,  and  sometimes  played  the  organ.  I  was 
the  father  of  the  town  in  many  senses  of  the 
word,  being  the  only  person  having  any  legal 
authority,  and  was  expected  to  settle  all  disputes 
whether  between  man  and  man  or  between  man 
and  wife. 

Our  town  was  overrun  by  hungry  clergymen 
of  many  denominations  and  from  nearly  every 
state,  all  clamoring  for  the  lucre  to  be  obtained 
by  preaching  in  our  union  church.     I  might  have 


212        THE  GENTLEMAN  FR03I  EVERY  WHERE. 

obtained  the  friendship  of  one  by  appointing  him 
as  pastor ;  but  I  made  malicious  enemies  of  all 
by  insisting  upon  each  one  officiating  in  turn  and 
taking  therefor  the  contents  of  the  contribution 
box  on  his  day. 

The  air  resounded  with  the  prayer-meeting 
shouts  of  these  ecclesiastics  who  all  secretly 
worked  against  me,  because  I  would  not  allow 
them  to  found  as  many  churches  as  there  were 
inhabitants. 

Many  of  the  impecunious  newcomers  schemed 
against  me  because  I  could  not  furnish  them  all 
with  light  work  and  heavy  pay.  Some  would 
persist  in  drinking  surface  water,  ignoring  all 
sanitary  laws,  became  unwell  and  then  cursed  the 
climate  and  my  so-called  misrepresentations ; 
others  would  ignore  all  instructions  as  to  the 
agricultural  methods  essential  to  success  in  this 
climate,  and  then  denounce  me  on  the  sly  because 
their  crops  were  not  satisfactory. 

Many  wished  to  act  as  real  estate  agents  on 
commission,  and  when  one  succeeded,  the  rest, 
fired  with  jealousy,  would  accuse  me  of  favorit- 
ism because  their  own  incompetency  did  not 
secure  for  them  these  prizes.  Our  house  was 
besieged  by  day  and  night,  so  that  we  had  to  cut 
a  hole  in  the  outside  door  to  talk  with  them 
when  we  were  seeking  a  little  sleep. 

We  formed  a  temperance,  literary  and  musical 


MONARCH  OF  ALL  HE  SURVEYED.  213 

club  which  every  one  in  the  town  attended,  and 
at  this,  at  least,  we  spent  many  pleasant  and  use- 
ful hours.  I  was  president  of  this  club,  and  per- 
formed all  the  drudgery  necessary  to  its  success. 
I  established  a  general  store  at  which  goods  were 
sold  at  about  cost,  but  many  complained  because 
they  could  not  have  unlimited  credit. 

One  oasis  in  this  fault-finding  desert,  was  the 
outside  colony  of  freedmen.  I  employed  many 
of  them  to  do  the  heavy  work  of  clearing  ave- 
nues, and  the  air  resounded  with  their  cheerful 
songs,  and  I  had  the  pleasure,  with  much  labor, 
to  save  from  the  rapacious  white  robbers,  the 
farms  which  these  colored  men  had  received  from 
generous  Uncle  Sam.  One  case  will  illustrate 
the  many  instances  in  which  I  appeared  as 
umpire. 

Uncle  and  Aunty  Peter  Gooden  owned  a  fertile 
farm,  and  made  a  good  living  and  more  by  dili- 
gent labor  thereon.  A  white  "  cracker  "  coveted 
this  property,  and  told  the  ignorant  aunty  that 
he  would  let  her  have  $300  on  mortgage  at  two 
per  cent,  per  week,  so  that  she  could  buy  a  new 
yellow  wagon,  silver-mounted  harness  and  pranc- 
ing mules,  a  gorgeous  red  silk  dress  with  much 
finery,  with  which  she  could  outshine  all  her  neigh- 
bors. These  unsophisticated,  honest  "coons," 
thinking  it  meant  that  they  would  have  to  pay 
only  two  cents  per  week,  accepted  the  offer,  af- 


214        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

fixed  their  X  marks  to  his  unknown  papers,  and 
not  even  Solomon  in  all  his  glory  was  arrayed 
like  this  simple  couple. 

In  a  short  time  they  came  to  me  broken- 
hearted, sobbing,  and  wailing,  telling  me  that 
the  "  cracker  shylock  "  had  foreclosed,  ordering 
them  out  of  their  house  and  home.  I  at  once 
notified  the  avaricious  shark  that  he  was  guilty 
of  violating  the  laws  of  the  state  by  defrauding 
and  by  false  pretenses,  tendered  him  the  principal 
with  legal  interest,  and  threatened  punishment 
by  law  if  he  did  not  accept.  He  said,  like  the 
fabled  raccoon  in  the  tree,  "  Don't  shoot,  I'll 
come  down."  I  paid  the  money  for  which,  in 
due  time,  Uncle  Peter  reimbursed  me. 

I  secured  the  hatred  of  the  "  crackers,"  but  the 
undying  gratitude  of  the  negroes,  who  vied  with 
each  other  in  bringing  us  game  in  profusion,  the 
first  fruits  of  their  crops,  and  shedding  tears  if 
we  offered  payment  therefor,  begging  to  be  al- 
lowed to  show  their  thankfulness  by  these  free 
gifts.  If  one  of  them  heard  a  threat  against  us 
he  would  guard  our  house  all  night  with  a  shot- 
gun, and  would  shadow  me  as  I  went  about  in 
the  night,  ready  to  spring  upon  any  of  my  as- 
sailants. 

I  provided  a  school  and  church  for  these  lov- 
ing, dusky  children,  and  it  was  pathetic  and 
cheering  to  see  them  all,  from  the  tiny  picka- 


MONARCH  OF  ALL  HE  SURVEYED.  217 

ninnies  to  the  tottering  gray  heads,  going  regu- 
larly with  their  primers  and  Bibles,  trying  to 
learn  to  read  and  write. 

Many  pleasant  evenings  in  midwinter  we  sat 
on  our  vine-clad  piazza,  enjoying  the  balmy 
breezes,  perfumed  with  the  delicious  orange 
blossoms,  looking  at  the  stately  pines  glorified 
by  moonlight  and  starlight ;  listening  to  the 
songs  of  these  dark-faced  but  white-souled 
serenaders,  the  whites  of  whose  eyes  and  perfect 
teeth  could  be  seen  beaming  upon  us  through  the 
dusky  shades  of  the  forest. 

On  the  evening  of  the  day  when  news  arrived 
of  the  first  election  of  Grover  Cleveland  to  the 
Presidency,  we  were  sitting  as  usual  on  our 
piazza,  when,  suddenly,  I  saw  a  flash  of  fire  in 
the  woods,  followed  by  the  report  of  a  rifle,  then 
others  in  quick  succession.  Rushing  to  the  scene 
I  found  a  few  Southern  whites  armed  with  re- 
peating rifles,  facing  a  large  band  of  negroes 
carrying  a  motley  array  of  pitchforks,  scythes, 
razors,  clubs,  and  a  few  ancient  shotguns.  Yell- 
ing :  "  Hold  up  !  "  I  sprang  between  the  em- 
battled hosts,  and  demanded  to  know  what  was 
the  row. 

"  Get  out  of  the  way,  you  damned  Yankee," 
shrieked  the  crackers,  "  or  we'll  riddle  you  with 
bullets."  Then  they  gave  the  far-reaching, 
fiendish,  rebel  yell. 


218        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

"  Shoot,"  I  replied,  "  if  you  want  to  be  hung." 
— "  Boys,"  I  said,  turning  to  the  darkies,  "  what's 
the  matter  ?  " 

"  Oh,  boss,  massa  Linkum's  dead,  de  Dimikrat 
am  Presidunt,  und  we  poo'  niggers  be  slabes 
agin.  We  fight,  we  die,  but  we  won't  be  slabes 
agin,  neber." 

Again  came  the  roar  of  rifles  behind  me  and 
the  minnie  balls  went  shrieking  over  our  heads. 
"Boys,"  I  shouted,  "you  are  mistaken.  A  mil- 
lion Northern  soldiers  will  march  down  here  if 
necessary  to  prevent  that ;  go  at  once  to  your 
homes ;  I  will  take  care  of  you."  Slowly  the 
colored  men,  who  trusted  me  implicitly,  melted 
away  in  the  darkness.  Again  the  rebel  yell, 
again  the  rifle  shots  high  in  the  air.  "  Gentle- 
men," said  I,  to  the  menacing  whites,  "  come 
with  me  to  the  Hall,  I  want  to  talk  with  you." 

"To  hell  with  you!"  they  yelled,  but  fol- 
lowed me  into  the  building. 

When  they  had  sullenly  taken  seats,  with 
guns  threateningly  at  the  ready,  they  glared  at 
me  like  tigers  ready  to  spring.  Soon  a  man,  I 
had,  on  my  way,  sent  to  the  store,  arrived  with 
a  box  of  good  Florida  cigars,  and  I  quietly 
passed  them  around  to  my  "  lions  couchant," 
took  a  seat  on  the  platform  facing  them,  lit  up, 
and  commenced  the  enjoyment  of  a  silent  smoke, 
they  following  suit. 


MONARCH  OF  ALL  HE  SURVEYED.  219 

The  tender  of  a  cigar  in  the  South  is  a  recog- 
nition of  comradeship  which  is  a  most  potent 
mollifier.  At  last  they  brought  their  guns  to 
the  ground  arms,  parade  rest,  and  the  leader,  an 
ex-Confederate  officer,  drawled  out,  "Wall, 
Yank,  what  do  you  want  of  we  uns  ?  " 

"  Just  as  you  please,  gentlemen,  peace  or 
war  ?  " 

"  We  are  smoking  the  pipe,  or  cigar,  of  peace, 
Yank." 

"So  mote  it  be,  brothers,"  said  I,  knowing 
that  they  were  all  members  of  the  mystic 
tie.  "  We  meet  on  the  level,  let  us  part  on  the 
square." 

"  So  mote  it  be,"  was  the  response  in  a  regular 
lodge  room  chorus. 

A  few  quick  signs  were  exchanged  between 
chair  and  settees,  the  ice  was  broken,  the  "  lodge 
was  opened  in  due  form ; "  there  was  no  longer 
any  restraint,  for  we  were  all  members  of  the 
most  ancient  fraternal  order  on  earth,  of  which 
the  wisest  man  who  ever  lived  was  founder. 
They  had  not  known  this  before.  The  white  dove 
descended,  and  they  promised  on  the  sacred  oath 
which  makes  all  men  brothers,  to  molest  the 
negroes  no  more.  We  had  a  jolly  good  time, 
gave  each  other  the  Grand  Masonic  grip  and 
departed  to  our  homes. 

As  I  walked,  I  saw  several  dark  figures  dodg- 


220        THE  QENTLE3IAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

ing  from  tree  to  tree,  and  all  that  night  my 
dusky-hued  friends  kept  vigilant  watch  and 
ward  about  our  cottage.  The  next  morning 
many  valiant  war-men  in  time  of  peace,  but 
peace-men  in  time  of  war,  told  me  what  brave 
fighting  they  would  have  done  for  my  protection 
had  I  but  called  upon  them  to  do  so. 

I  stocked  the  lake  with  excellent  food  fish 
obtained  from  the  National  Fish  Commissioner, 
built  good  sidewalks,  arched  by  beautiful  shade 
trees  ;  and  many  prominent  men  bought  lands  in 
our  town.  We  passed  an  ordinance  forbidding 
the  use  of  our  public  thoroughfares  to  cattle  and 
hogs,  and  for  a  while  the  air  quivered  with  the 
squealings  of  infuriated  razor  backs. 

Our  valiant  city  marshal  would  pounce  upon 
each  one  of  these  long-snouted  swine ;  then  came 
the  tug-of-war,  amid  clouds  of  dust ;  down  went 
marshal  and  razor-back,  the  nose  as  long  and 
sharp  as  a  ploughshare  cleaving  the  earth  near 
the  sidewalks  lined  with  laughing  people.  Our 
great  Floridian  always  triumphed,  and  his  pig- 
ship  was  incarcerated  in  the  town  "  pound  "  until 
owner  paid  charges  and  penned  his  property  out- 
side city  limits. 

Once  I  saw  a  terrific  contest  between  one  of 
these  long-legged,  long-nosed  porkers  and  the 
lone,  pet  alligator  of  our  lake.  His  pig-ship  was 
enjoying  a  drink  when  Mr.  'Gator  seized  him  by 


MONARCH  OF  ALL  HE  SURVEYED.  221 

the  snout,  the  porcine  braced  and  yelled ;  the 
'gator  let  go  in  amazement ;  the  pig  turned  to 
run ;  'gator  seized  him  by  the  leg,  then  Greek 
met  Greek,  teeth  met  teeth,  till  the  saurian 
struck  him  with  his  mighty  tail,  and  all  was 
over ;  the  alligator  and  the  porker  lay  down  in 
peace  together  with  the  pig  inside  the  'gator. 

One  day,  one  of  our  fishermen  brought  in  a 
string  of  trout  which  far  overshadowed  the 
miraculous  draught  of  fishes  in  the  Sea  of  Galilee. 
On  being  questioned  as  to  how  he  did  it,  he  said 
he  got  one  bite  and  pulled  for  three  hours.  The 
fish  kept  catching  hold  of  each  othors'  tails  in 
their  eagerness  to  be  caught,  until  he  had  landed 
four  barrels  of  the  toothsome  fat  trout. 

Our  champion  brought  from  a  few  hours'  hunt, 
enough  quail  for  the  entire  town ;  and  when 
asked  how  he  did  it,  he  replied :  "  Oh,  I  saw 
three  thousand  quail  roosting  on  the  limb  of  a 
tree.  I  had  only  my  rifle  with  one  ball ;  I  shot  at 
the  limb,  cracked  it,  their  legs  fell  through  the 
crack  which  closed  when  the  bullet  went  through, 
and  chained  them  all  hard  and  fast.  All  I  had 
to  do  was  to  cut  off  the  limb  with  my  jack-knife 
and  bag  the  whole  lot." 

One  day  this  mighty  Nimrod  brought  home 
three  bears  and  four  deer.  "  How  did  you  do 
it  ? "  asked  the  envious  multitude.  "  I  was 
asleep  in  my  wigwam,  was  waked  up  by  a  rumpus 


222        TEE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

outside,  rushed  out  with  my  gun,  and  chased  the 
crowd  around  the  hut  till  I  was  dead  beat,  then 
I  bent  my  rifle  across  my  knee  into  the  exact 
circumference  shape  of  my  house,  and  fired. 
The  bullet  whistled  by  me  for  half  an  hour, 
chasing  the  varmints  who  were  chasing  each 
other ;  bum  by,  the  bullet  caught  up,  went 
through  the  whole  crowd,  and  by  gum ;  that  'ere 
bullet  is  chasing  round  that  wigwam  naouw." 

On  another  occasion,  this  same  man  brought  in 
a  lot  of  wild  turkeys  all  ready  for  the  table.  As 
usual  we  expressed  our  wonderment.  "  "Wall,  by 
gum,"  said  he,  "  'twas  the  beatemest  thing  you 
ever  heered  on.  I  was  waked  up  by  these  crit- 
ters squawkin'  over  my  haouse;  I  fired  up 
chimbly,  and  daown  tumbled  the  whole  gang ; 
the  fire  burnt  off  the  feathers  and  roasted  um  up 
braown  afore  I  could  get  at  um." 

"  But  how  about  the  stuffing  ?  " 

"  Oh,  that's  nothin' ;  they'd  stuffed  themselves 
afore  I  shot  um." 

"We  had  often  congratulated  ourselves  upon  our 
immunity  from  snakes,  never  having  seen  even 
one  in  our  Bailiwick ;  but  our  sweet  dreams  of 
peace  were  rudely  disturbed  by  this  Baron 
Munchausen  who  horrified  our  ladies  one  day,  by 
saying  that  he  went  into  our  church  to  make 
some  repairs,  and  there  met  a  rattle-snake  which 
swallowed  him  whole  at  one  full  swoop ;  at  once 


MONARCH  OF  ALL  HE  SURVEYED.  223 

he  recalled  the  Sunday-school  lesson  of  Jonah 
in  the  whale's  belly,  took  courage,  struck  a 
match,  made  a  bonfire  of  his  hat,  and  by  its  light 
cut  his  way  out  with  his  hatchet,  ran  to  his 
house,  got  his  gun  and  shot  the  snake,  which  was 
so  large  that  he  had  not  noticed  the  man's  cut- 
ting, nor  his  escape,  but  was  vastly  enjoying  his 
after  dinner  nap.  This  man  long  bore  the  honors 
of  being  the  champion  liar  and  champion  hunter 
of  the  universe. 

Thus,  rapidly,  sped  away  our  days  replete  with 
alternating  smiles  and  tears  until  arrived  the  time 
for  our  annual  stockholders'  election.  On  our 
way  to  Ocala  to  attend  this  important  event,  I 

conversed  at  length  with  the  Eev.  W ,  upon 

whom  I  had  conferred  many  and  profitable  favors. 
This  ostentatiously  pious  individual  expressed 
much  gratitude  for  my  kindness  to  him,  assured 
me  that  my  administration  of  affairs  had  been  a 
grand  success,  that  I  had  gained  the  merited  re- 
spect and  confidence  of  all  the  people  in  the 
town  and  that  he  would  urge  my  reelection  as 
general  manager,  with  all  his  strength. 

The  conference  progressed  very  harmoniously 
for  awhile,  when  I  was  called  out  to  see  a  man 
on  some  important  business,  and  on  reentering 
the  room,  I  noticed  some  excitement  among  the 
members,  when  General  Chamberlain,  the  presi- 
dent, called  me  to  his  chair  and  frankly  told  me, 


224        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

in  the  hearing  of  all,  that  the  Rev.  "W had, 

as  soon  as  I  left,  denounced  me  fiercely  as  a 
fraud  and  a  liar,  stating  that  I  had  the  respect  of 

no  one  in  B ;  that  the  town  would  be  ruined 

were  I  reelected;  that  he  himself  would  take 
my  position  without  any  salary,  relying  solely 
upon  commission  from  land  sales,  as  compensa- 
tion, and  that  he  made  this  statement  at  the 
unanimous  request  of  the  citizens  of  the 
town. 

All  eyes  were  turned  to  me  for  an  explanation. 
I  looked  for  awhile  at  the  hypocritical  clergy- 
man very  steadily,  until  he  cringed  like  a  viper, 
and  turned  pale  as  a  ghost.  I  then  narrated  the 
statements  made  to  me  scarcely  an  hour  before, 
called  upon  him  for  some  proof  of  his  accusa- 
tions, and  closed  by  saying  that  I  would  not  ac- 
cept a  reelection  unless  it  came  to  me  unani- 
mously. The  craven  reverend  left  the  room 
without  a  word ;  I  was  reelected  without  a 
dissenting  vote,  and  thus  closed  one  of  the  most 
revolting  revelations  of  depravity  that  I  ever 
witnessed. 

This  "  wolf  in  sheep's  clothing,"  after  an  ex- 
traordinary career  in  endeavoring  to  "  fleece " 
others,  finally  lost  every  dollar  of  his  property, 
fled  from  the  town  with  his  family,  and  I  have 
never  been  able  to  hear  from  him  since.  I  wish 
for  the  sake  of  faith  in  human  nature  that  this 


MONARCH  OF  ALL  HE  SURVEYED.  225 

had  been  the  only  case  of  "  fall  from  grace,"  but 
alas,  there  were  others  ! 

But  let  the  curtain  fall.  Moral — have  no  con- 
fidence in  the  man  who  wears  his  religion  on  his 
coat  sleeve  or  necktie ;  but  try  the  spirits  whether 
they  are  of  Christ. 

At  this  time,  a  party  of  prominent  people  ar- 
rived at  B ,  from  the  North,  to  consider  the 

feasibility  of  investing  quite  largely  somewhere 
in  Florida.  As  they  wished  to  visit  the  southern 
part  of  the  state  before  deciding,  I  procured  free 
passes  for  all,  and  escorted  them  via  steamer, 
down  the  entire  Gulf  coast,  touching  at  all  at- 
tractive points,  exploring  coral  islands  where 
myriads  of  sea  birds  nested,  encircling  us  with 
wild  screams  till  the  clouds  of  them  well-nigh 
shut  out  the  sun ;  then  we  collected  rare  shells 
and  flotsam  and  jetsam  from  far  away  lands  ; 
one  hour,  floating  over  the  calm  Gulf  of  Mexico, 
as  smooth  as  a  mirror,  then  tossed  by  a  sudden 
tempest  far  towards  the  stars,  and  tumbling 
down  to  Davy  Jones'  locker ;  now  enjoying  the 
lotos-eaters'  paradise,  then,  as  we  reached  the 
lowlands,  well-nigh  devoured  by  millions  of  mos- 
quitoes and  sand  flies. 

Then  we  crossed  the  peninsular,  traveling 
under  hammock-woods  and  century-old  wild- 
orange  trees,  whose  "  twilight  dim  hallowed  the 
noonday,"  regaled  with  unlimited  fish  and  game 


226        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

to  the  far-famed  Indian  River, — delightful  recre- 
ation-spots for  a  few  weeks  in  winter,  but  too 
hot,  damp,  and  mosquitoey  for  colonies.  Then 
we  were  guests  of  the  millionaires'  club  at  Cape 
Canaveral,  where  were  acres  of  wild  ducks, 
droves  of  screaming  catamounts,  and  huge-billed, 
fish-devouring  pelicans.  We  drove  over  many 
miles  of  hard,  firm  sea-beaches — delightful  brief 
winter  homes  for  the  rich,  then  back  to  our  fer- 
tile piny  woods  highlands,  convinced  that  the 
"  backbone "  of  the  peninsular  was  the  only  de- 
sirable locality  for  permanent  settlers  who  must 
get  a  living  from  the  bosom  of  mother  earth. 

Soon  after,  leaving  Mr.  B ,  the  superintend- 
ent, in  charge  of  the  company's  interests  in  our 
new  town,  which  now  contained  over  one  hun- 
dred houses,  and  had  elected  a  Mayor  and  Alder- 
man, I  returned  with  my  family  to  Boston,  de- 
voting my  time  to  lecturing  on  Florida  in  general, 

and  B in  particular,  in  nearly  all  the  cities 

of  New  England,  distributing  illustrated  books 
which  I  had  prepared,  and  which  were  approved 
as  true,  by  many  prominent  people  who  had 
lived  for  many  years  among  the  scenes  which 
were  therein  described. 

My  labors  were  very  successful,  and  a  great 
success  for  our  enterprise  seemed  assured,  when 
I  received  a  letter  from  our  directors,  stating 
that  a  Dr.  K had  offered  to  accept  my  posi- 


MONARCH  OF  ALL  HE  SURVEYED.  227 

tion  as  general  manager,  without  salary  ;  pay 
bis  own  expenses,  relying  on  his  commissions  on 
land  sales,  and  that  as  I  had  declined  to  serve  on  this 
basis,  they  had  felt  compelled  to  accept  bis  services. 
As  I  was  obliged  to  have  a  regular  income  for 
the  support  of  my  family,  I  acquiesced  in  the  di- 
rectors' decision,  and  soon,  under  the  new  incom- 
petent management,  the  company  failed ;  so 
another  of  my  business  enterprises,  on  the  very 
verge  of  a  grand  success,  became  a  defeat,  and 
again  the  innocent  were  blamed  for  the  acts  of 
the  guilty.  I  converted  my  stock  in  the  M.  L.  & 
I.  Co.,  into  lands  of  the  company  at  a  great  loss 
to  me,  as  I  took  the  lands  at  company's  schedule 
values  instead  of  at  the  cost  prices,  while  the 
stock  cost  me — the  full  price  of  $100  per  share. 
Blessed  is  he  who  expecteth  nothing,  for  he  alone 
shall  not  be  disappointed. 

Our  varying  days  pass  on  and  on, 
Our  hopes  fade  unfulfilled  away, 

And  things  which  seem  the  life  of  life 
Are  taken  from  us  day  by  day. 

Our  little  dramas  all  may  fail, 
And  naught  may  issue  as  we  planned, 

Our  costliest  ships  refuse  to  sail, 
Our  firmest  castles  fall  to  sand. 

But  God  lives  on,  and  with  our  woe 
Weaves  golden  threads  of  joy  and  peace, 

And  somewhere  we  will  surely  know 
From  sorrow  and  pain  the  glad  release. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

FOREGLEAMS    OF   IMMORTALITY. 

THIS  year  of  our  Lord,  1886,  brought  an  in- 
finitely greater  sorrow  than  the  mere 
financial  losses  which  pressed  so  hardly  upon  us 
in  connection  with  our  Florida  endeavors.  On 
Christmas  morning,  while  alone  in  my  room,  I 
distinctly  heard  my  father's  voice  whisper : 
"  James,  James,  good-bye,"  and  an  hour  later  the 
telegraph  flashed  the  news  that  he  passed  away 
at  the  exact  time  when  I  heard  him  bidding  me 
farewell. 

My  father  was  an  honest  man,  the  noblest 
work  of  God  ;  he  had  gained  none  of  what  the 
world  calls  the  great  prizes  of  life,  but  he  had 
what  was  better  far,  a  conscience  void  of  offense 
towards  God  and  man.  In  the  words  of  Thoreau 
— "  If  a  man  does  not  keep  pace  with  his  fellows, 
perhaps  it  is  because  he  hears  a  different  drum 
beat ;  he  should  step  to  the  music  which  he 
hears,  however  measured  or  far  away."  This 
my  father  always  did,  though  the  music  of  his 
life-march  came  not  from  earth,  but  from  the 
sky,  and  without  a  shadow  of  fear,  sustained  by 

228 


FOREGLEAMS  OF  IMMORTALITY.  229 

a  deathless  faith,  he  passed  within  the  gateway 
of  eternal  life. 

The  winter  at  last  retreated  sullenly  and  re- 
luctantly to  his  arctic  home,  and  when  the  first 
harbingers  of  spring  appeared,  singing  the  mem- 
orial songs  of  the  Kesurrection,  the  old  country 
fever,  inherited  from  many  generations  of  farmer 
ancestors,  seized  me,  and  we  bought  a  small  plan- 
tation for  $4,200,  in  N ,  Mass.,  to  which  Ave 

moved  April  28,  1887.  Here,  as  usual,  much 
money  was  expended  on  improvements  and  for 
horse,  carriages,  cow,  pigs,  hens,  also  for  scanty 
harvests  of  vegetables,  and  our  only  returns 
therefor  consisted  of  large  crops  of  backaches, 
nasal  hemorrhages,  and  rheumatism  incurred  in 
frantic  attempts  to  coax  from  the  reluctant  soil, 
some  slight  compensation  for  excessive  labor. 

Here,  as  usual,  I  was  busied  with  many  cares, 
lecturing  in  various  places  on  the  subject  of 
Florida  and  selling  our  private  lands  in  that 
state.     Like   Mr.   Pickwick,   I   was   founder   of 

many  societies,  notably  the  N club,  which, 

with  a  fine  orchestra  and  much  dramatic  talent 
soon  became  the  social  and  literary  attraction  of 
the  town  ;  also  the  Eepublican  club,  which  con- 
ducted a  vigorous  campaign  for  protective  tariff 
and  sound  money,  attracting  large  audiences  by 
political  debates.  I  was  president  of  both  these 
flourishing    organizations,  was  chairman  of  the 


230        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

parish  committee  of  the  Unitarian  Church,  lead- 
ing to  its  enlargement  and  extended  usefulness, 
was  a  member  of  the  congressional  committee  of 
the  district  which  wrested  a  congressman  from 
the  Democrats,  electing,  after  a  desperate  struggle, 
John  W.  Candler,  to  the  National  Legislature 
in  place  of  Russell,  "  the  sheepless  Shepherd." 

On  the  16th  of  June  of  this  year,  Eebecca,  the 
wife  of  my  only  surviving  brother,  left  her  body, 
and  was  welcomed  to  the  evergreen  shores  of 
the  summer-land,  by  her  father,  mother,  our  father, 
mother,  my  spirit-bride  and  her  father,  mother, 
and  my  two  brothers  who  had  long  gone  before. 
She  was  a  good,  honest  woman,  a  veritable  help- 
meet to  my  brother,  and  we  all  gratefully  cherish 
the  memory,  which  is  the  best  attained  by  any 
life,  that  she  left  the  world  better  than  she 
found  it. 

One  by  one,  we  miss  the  voices  which  we  loved   so  well  to 

hear, 
One  by  one  their  kindly  faces  in  the  darkness  disappear. 

On  the  evening  of  the  16th  of  August  in  this 
year,  an  experience  came  into  our  lives  which 
changed  the  whole  current  of  our  religious 
thought,  and  forever  banished  from  our  minds  all 
fear  of  the  so-called  death,  and  all  doubt  as  to 
the  eternal  continuity  of  existence. 

My  brother,  my  wife,  four  children  and  myself 


FOREGLEAMS  OF  IMMORTALITY.  231 

were  recreating  for  a  week  in  the  woods  and 
waters  of  Onset  Bay,  and  while  walking  in  the 
gloaming  through  the  grove,  listening  to  the 
music  of  the  band,  we  saw  a  notice  posted  on  a 

tree,  stating  that  the  B sisters  would  give  a 

materializing  seance  in  their  cottage  at  this 
hour.  We  were  all  skeptics  of  the  most  pro- 
nounced type,  having  seen  much  of  the  con- 
temptible trickery  and  fraud  of  so-called  me- 
diums ;  but  we  yielded  to  the  temptation  to  enter 
the  seance  room  through  mere  curiosity.  Here 
we  found  in  the  "  dim  religious  light,"  about  a 
score  of  intelligent  looking  ladies  and  gentlemen 
intently  watching  white-robed  figures  which  oc- 
casionally glided  from  a  cabinet  on  a  slightly 
elevated  stage  and  embraced  people  from  the 
audience  who  were  called  to  meet  them. 

This  ghostly  procession  interested  us  but 
slightly,  until  a  form  whose  features  seemed 
strangely  familiar,  advanced  to  the  edge  of  the 
platform  and  beckoned  my  wife  to  come  to  her. 
On  responding  to  the  invitation,  she  was  at  once 
encircled  by  the  arms  of  the  visitor,  kisses  were 
exchanged,  she  was  called  distinctly  "  my  dear 
sister,"  informed  that  the  lady  in  white  was 
Mary,  my  spirit-wife,  who  in  loving  tones  ex- 
pressed her  thanks  for  the  kindly  care  that 
Lillian  had  exercised  over  her  three  children, 
saying  that  she  was  always  with  her  to  help. 


232        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

Suddenly,  the  form  called  for  me,  and  I  went  to 
her  as  one  dazed. 

"  James,"  she  said,  "  I  am  Mary,  your  wife." 
She  embraced  me  with  many  kisses  as  in  the 
long  ago,  and  continued  :  "  I  am  so  glad  to  see 
you  and  Lillian,  who  has  so  lovingly  taken  my 
place;  bless  her  for  her  goodness  to  our  children  ; 
my  time  here  is  so  short."  Then  turning ;  "  Jot," 
she  whispered  to  my  brother,  "  come  here ;  "  she 
kissed  him,  said :  "  Kebecca,  father  and  mother 
are  here  in  the  cabinet,  but  too  weak  to  come 
out.  We  give  you  all  our  love  and  blessing; 
good-bye,"  and  disappeared  through  the  floor  at 
our  feet. 

There  was  no  possible  shadow  of  doubt  about 
this  visitation  from  the  unseen  world.  We  had 
"  felt  the  touch  of  the  vanished  hand,  we  had 
heard  the  sound  of  the  voice  that  is  still,"  and 
henceforth  we  knew  that  we  walked  hand  in 
hand  with  angels.  We  realized  unmistakably  the 
truth  of  the  words  of  the  poet  Longfellow  : 


"  The  forms  of  the  departed  enter  at  the  open  door, 

The  beloved,  the  true  hearted  come  to  visit  ns  once  more, 

And  with  them  the  being  beauteous,  who  unto  my  youth  was 

given 
More  than  all  things  else  to  love  me,  and  is  now  a  saint  in 

Heaven. 
Oh,  though  oft  depressed  and  lonely,  all  my  fears  are  laid  aside, 
If  I  but  remember  only  such  as  these  have  lived  and  died." 


FOBEGLEAMS  OF  IMMORTALITY.  233 

The  pages  of  the  Bible,  the  testimony  of  all 
the  sweet  singers  of  all  the  ages,  confirm  indis- 
putably our  certain  knowledge  of  spirit  return, 
and  we  know  the  truth  of  what  the  saints  and 
sages  of  all  time  have  dreamed,  and  by  faith 
have  believed,  all  religions  have  taught,  it  is  now 
demonstrated  beyond  all  doubt  and  we  can  say 
most  joyfully  — 

"  Oh  land,  oh  land 
For  all  the  broken-hearted, 
The  mildest  herald  by  our  fate  allotted 
Beckons,  and  with  inverted  torch  doth  stand 
To  lead  us  with  a  gentle  hand 
Into  the  land  of  the  great  departed, 
Into  the  silent  land. ' ' 

We  turned  to  our  duties,  inspired  by  the 
knowledge  that  we  were  guided  and  assisted  by 
the  loved  ones  gone  before.     After  living  on  the 

flat-as-pan-cake  plain  of  N for  three  years, 

again  was  I  disenchanted  ;  all  the  poetic  illusions 
of  farm  life  vanished,  all  the  oxygen  seemed  to 
be  exhausted  from  the  air,  the  romance  of  raising 
potatoes  at  a  cost  of  five  dollars  a  peck  disap- 
peared, the  old  farm  hung  like  a  millstone  round 
my  neck,  we  sold  it  and  hired  a  pretty  cottage  in 

the  lucre- worshipping  town  of  JB ,  on  the  29th 

of  March,  1890,  where  we  led  uneventful  lives  for 
one  year,  until  my  fickle  fancy  was  captivated 
by  a  fine  new  house  on  the  hilltop  overlooking 


234        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

the  sea,  in  the  town  of  W ,  Mass.     This  we 

bought  and  entered  on  the  14th  of  May,  1891. 

Here  at  last  we  thought  we  had  found  the 
Mecca  towards  which,  all  our  lives  we  had  been 
drifting.  Once  more  came  the  passion  for  beau- 
tifying our  own,  and  we  made  our  lawns  to  bud 
and  blossom  like  the  roses ;  worshipping  at  the 
shrine  of  the  majestic  ocean, 

"  Its  waves  were  kneeling  on  the  strand, 
As  kneels  the  human  knee, 
Their  white  locks  bowing  to  the  sand 
The  priesthood  of  the  sea." 

Here  we  passed  four  very  pleasant  and  useful 
years ;  consciously  near  to  us,  though  unseen, 
were  all  our  loved  ones  of  the  spirit  world. 
Almost  every  night  our  angel  friends  communi- 
cated with  us  unmistakably  through  the  ouija, 
and  planchette ;  they  would  draw  caricature 
pictures  of  us  all,  and  give  us  conundrums  and 
jokes  that  we  had  never  known  before.  One 
evening  in  particular,  Mary  wrote  us  to  give  her 
children  the  best  possible  musical  instruction, 
stating  that  May  would  become  a  great  singer  and 
flute  player,  and  that  Ada  would  be  a  fine 
organist  and  pianist,  as  well  as  singer ;  that  Ida 
would  do  well  with  violin  and  voice. 

We  were  incredulous,  as  they  had  inherited  no 
musical  talent,  neither  had  they  manifested  any 


FOBEGLEAMS  OF  IMMORTALITY.  235 

inclination  in  these  directions ;  but  Mary  was  so 
persistent  and  strenuous  in  her  appeals,  that  we 
heeded  the  advice,  gave  the  girls  good  teachers 
along  these  lines,  and  soon  their  spirit-mother's 
predictions  were  fulfilled  to  the  very  letter,  and 
the  so-called  "  Foss  triplets  "  became  a  veritable 
inspiration  to  thousands  of  delighted  listeners  to 
their  rendition  of  instrumental  and  vocal  strains 
of  music. 

The  dews  of  heaven  descend  upon  all  the  flow- 
ers of  the  field,  some  open  their  petals,  welcome 
the  refreshment  and  are  blessed  thereby ;  while 
others  close  their  buds,  refusing  the  blessing,  and 
as  a  result,  wither  and  die.  Even  so  come  to  all 
souls  the  spirits  of  the  departed,  and  they  in- 
spire or  fail  in  their  mission  of  love  according  to 
whether  we  open  or  close  to  them  the  doors  of 
our  inner  sanctuaries. 

The  departed,  the  departed, 

They  visit  us  in  dreams, 
They  glide  above  our  memories 

Like  sunlight  over  streams. 

The  melody  of  summer  waves, 

The  thrilling  notes  of  birds 
Can  never  be  so  dear  to  me 

As  their  softly-whispered  words. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

A   PRACTICAL   SOCIALIST   AND   COLONIZER. 

WE  found  in  this  town  of  W ,  a  mori- 
bund Unitarian  Church,  with  scarcely  a 
handful  of  attendants,  listening  once  a  week  to 
a  lifeless  minister  and  an  asthmatic  harmonium 
accompanied  by  a  few  feeble,  inharmonious  voices. 
Our  sympathies  were  aroused  for  this  expiring 
infant,  and  we  resolved  to  rescue  it  if  possible 
from  its  open  grave.  My  wife  and  I,  accom- 
panied by  the  "  Triplets,"  on  the  front  seat  of 
our  carriage  as  drivers,  canvassed  the  entire 
town,  asking  all  we  met  to  lay  up  treasures  in 
heaven  by  "  rescuing  the  perishing,"  and  we  soon 
secured  money  to  buy  a  fine  toned  organ  and  to 
hire  a  wideawake  pastor.  Ada  played  the  new 
organ ;  May  formed  a  quartette  with  herself  as 
soprano,  Ida  often  accompanying  with  her 
violin ;  my  wife  teaching  in  the  Sunday-school, 
myself  serving  as  chairman  of  the  Parish  Com- 
mittee, and  soon  our  church  was  filled  with  at- 
tentive and  much  edified  listeners  and  helpers. 
I  organized  the  Channing  Club,  which  soon 
included  in  its  membership  all  the  leading  mu- 

236 


A  PRACTICAL  SOCIALIST  AND  COLONIZER.     237 

sical  and  dramatic  talent  of  the  town.  "We  met 
weekly  in  the  church  vestry  which  was  soon 
decorated  by  handsome  pictures,  scenery  and 
bric-a-brac,  the  gifts  of  our  members,  making  a 
very  spacious  and  attractive  resort. 

This  club  over  which  I  presided,  developed  to 
a  remarkable  degree  the  latent  talents  of  many 
who  had  never  before  thought  themselves  capa- 
ble of  entertaining  and  instructing  the  public. 
We  had  an  orchestra  of  stringed  and  brass  in- 
struments, in  which  May  played  the  flute,  Ada 
the  piano  and  organ,  Ida  second  violin,  while  all 
our  four  girls  sang  solos,  duets,  trios,  and  quar- 
tettes. Many  elderly  people  paid  generous  fees 
for  honorary  membership,  while  the  large,  active 
membership,  responded  regularly  when  called 
upon  with  musical,  literary,  or  dramatic  rendi- 
tions individually  or  in  combination  as  they 
might  prefer.  It  was  a  delightful  and  instruc- 
tive symposium  which  ought  to  be  found  in 
every  town. 

The  Channing  Club  soon  became  famous,  and 
gave  first-class  entertainments  to  very  large  au- 
diences at  high  admission  fees  in  our  own  and 
surrounding  towns  as  well  as  in  Boston,  thus 
replenishing  the  church  treasury  and  greatly 
promoting  sociability  and  friendship  by  regular 
dances  and  suppers  which  made  hundreds  seem 
like  one  large  family,  bound  together  by  many 


238        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

friendly  ties,  each  one  readily  responding  to  the 
call  of  the  president  to  render  his  or  her  full 
share  of  entertainment  and  good  cheer  for  the 
good  of  all. 

It  was  an  ideal  socialistic  order,  and  we  truly 
"sat  together  in  heavenly  places."  All  gladly 
contributed  to  the  needs  of  the  poor  or  the  sick ; 
we  chartered  steamers  and  went  on  picnic  excur- 
sions to  attractive  island  resorts  in  our  beautiful 
harbor ;  class  distinctions  were  banished,  envy 
and  jealousy  disappeared  like  snow  before  the 
sun,  and  good  fellowship  reigned  supreme.  Our 
rich  and  poor  met  together  as  brothers  and 
sisters. 

Such  an  organization  in  churches  would  soon 
banish  class  hatreds,  and  do  much  to  make  this 
world  a  paradise  like  to  that  above. 

The  winter  of  1892  was  a  red-letter  season  in 
the  history  of  us  all.     We  rented  our  house  in 

W ,  to  a  friend,  and  lived  in  Florida,  our 

four  girls  attending  Rollins  College  at  Winter 
Park,  where  they  enjoyed  life  immensely  in  the 
incomparable  climate  which,  with  their  studies 
in  this  excellent  school,  was  of  great  benefit  to 
them,  physically  and  mentally.  I  was  favored 
with  free  passes  all  over  the  state,  and  devoted 
my  time  to  a  careful  examination  of  large  tracts 
of  land  in  various  counties,  but  found  none  to  my 
liking  until  on  our  return  trip,  we  spent  several 


A  PRACTICAL  SOCIALIST  AND  COLONIZER.     239 

weeks     at     Lawtey,    in    the    county    of    Brad- 
ford. 

Florida,  within  its  vast  area,  contains  a  great 
variety  of  land  and  climates,  and  the  person  who 
has  traversed  only  the  beaten  track  of  the  tourist 
knows  nothing  of  the  fertile  tracts  and  delightful 
temperatures  of  these  green-grassed  and  Piny- 
woods  Highlands.  Here,  as  nowhere  else  in  the 
world,  nature  has  provided  all  the  essentials  to 
agricultural  success ;  there  was  but  one  mort- 
gaged homestead  in  the  entire  township ;  it  is 
the  greatest  strawberry  mart  in  the  world  ;  the 
abundance  of  nutritious  wild  grasses  render  cattle 
and  sheep  raising  throughout  the  year  a  source 
of  great  revenue,  and  the  maximum  of  crop 
returns  is  secured  with  a  minimum  of  labor. 

At  last,  after  years  of  search  throughout  the 
state,  we  found  our  ideal  location  for  a  colony, 
and  I  bonded  over  6,000  acres  of  fertile,  well- 
wooded  lands,  returned  home,  formed  a  syndi- 
cate, and  paid  for  our  tract,  to  which  we  gave 
the  appropriate  suggestive  name  of  "  Wood- 
lawn."  I  successfully  pursued  my  avocation  of 
advertising  and  selling  our  lands,  having  an 
office  in  Boston  and  cooperating  agents  in  several 
states. 

On  June  11th,  1894,  my  brother  Joshua,  the 
last  of   my  father's  family  except   myself,  was 


240        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

suddenly  called  to  join  our  many  loved  ones  in 
the  spirit  world.  All  our  lives  we  had  been  as 
David  and  Jonathan,  and  not  a  cloud  had  swept 
across  the  azure  of  our  sky  of  mutual  affection 
until  the  advent  of  his  second  wife.  He  was  one 
of  the  best  men  that  ever  lived,  and  nearly  every- 
one in  his  town  had  been  benefited  by  his  well- 
known  generosity  and  self-sacrifice,  and  he  found 
awaiting  him,  many  treasures  in  the  grand  bank 
of  heaven. 

' '  I  cannot  say,  and  I  will  not  say 
That  he  is  dead — he  is  just  away, 
With  a  cheery  smile,  and  a  wave  of  the  hand, 
He  has  wandered  into  an  unknown  land, 
And  left  us  dreaming  how  very  fair 
It  needs  must  he,  since  he  lingers  there  ; 
We  think  of  him  faring  on,  as  dear 
In  the  love  of  there  as  the  love  of  here, 
Think  of  him  still  as  the  same,  I  say, 
He  is  not  dead — he  is  just  away." 

Soon  after  the  departure  of  my  brother  to  the 
better  land,  our  spirit-band  informed  us  very 
plainly  through  "  Ouija,"  that  it  was  our  duty  to 
remove  to  Boston  in  order  that  our  children 
might  have  better  educational  facilities,  and  be 
admitted  to  the  "  musical  swim  "  of  the  "  Hub  of 
the  Universe."  We  obeyed  their  mandate,  and 
the  predictions  of  our  angel  friends  were  fully 
verified.  In  our  new  home  the  older  girls  met 
those  to  whom  they  were  married  in  Heaven, 


A  PRACTICAL  SOCIALIST  AND  COLONIZER.     241 

and  to  whom  they  gave  their  hands  and  hearts. 
I  now  look  back  over  a  half  century  of  existence 
on  this  earth,  and  my  muse  inspires  me  to  record 
that: 

I  have  ships  that  went  to  sea 

More  than  fifty  years  ago. 
None  have  yet  come  back  to  me, 

But  keep  sailing  to  and  fro, 
Plunging  through  the  shoreless  deep, 
With  tattered  sails  and  battered  hulls 
While  around  them  scream  the  gulls. 

I  have  wondered  why  they  stayed 
From  me,  sailing  round  the  world 

And  I've  said,  "I'm  half  afraid 

That  their  sails  will  ne'er  be  furled." 

Great  the  treasures  that  they  hold, 

Silks,  and  plumes,  and  bars  of  gold, 

While  the  spices  which  they  bear 

Fill  with  fragrance  all  the  air. 

I  have  waited  on  the  piers 

Gazing  for  them  down  the  bay, 
Days  and  nights,  for  many  years, 

Till  I  turned  heart-sick  away. 
But  the  pilots,  when  they  land, 
Kindly  take  me  by  the  hand, 
Saying,  "Surely  they  will  come  to  thee, 
Thy  proud  vessels  from  the  sea. ' ' 

So  I  never  quite  despair, 

Nor  let  hope  or  courage  fail, 
And  some  day,  when  skies  are  fair, 

Up  the  bay  my  ships  will  sail. 


CHAPTER  XXYI. 

HAND   IN   HAND    WITH   ANGELS. 

IN  our  Boston  home,  there  came  to  us  one  of 
the  most  wonderful  and  inspiring  experi- 
ences ever  vouchsafed  to  mortals  beneath  the 
stars ;  an  experience  which  solved  forever  for 
us  the  problem  of  immortality,  which  all  the 
religious  teachings  of  all  the  ages  had  been  pow- 
erless to  accomplish.  It  confirmed  beyond  a 
shadow  of  doubt,  our  knowledge  of  the  future 
life  obtained  previously  at  Onset  Bay,  as  the  fol- 
lowing named  events  transpired  in  our  own 
house  in  the  presence  of  witnesses  under  test  cir- 
cumstances which  precluded  all  possibility  of 
deception. 

Mrs.   B ,   of   Boston,   came   to   our  house 

alone,  gratuitously,  on  her  own  volition,  sat 
within  a  few  feet  of  our  entire  family  and  two 
of  our  neighbors,  having  no  cabinet  or  any  para- 
phernalia which  are  always  required  by  those 
charlatans  who  have  associated  the  fair  name  of 
spiritualism  with  fraud  and  chicanery.  In  about 
one  hour  there  appeared  in  our  parlor,  in  full 
view  of  us  all,  more  than  thirty  forms  ;  some  tall 
242 


BAND  IN  BAND  WITB  ANGELS.  243 

as  were  ever  seen  on  earth,  others  little  children, 
the  forms  of  our  offspring  who  were  "  still  born  "  ; 
my  brother  Joshua,  who  had  been  in  spirit  life  a 
little  over  one  year  came  fully  materialized  and 
was  clearly  recognized  by  my  entire  family. 

He  gave  me,  while  I  was  standing  within  two 
feet  of  the  medium,  the  firm  grip  of  a  Master 
Mason  ;  his  hand  was  like  that  of  a  living  human 
being;  he  whispered  a  few  intelligible  words, 
saying  that  we  should  have  no  fear  if  trouble 
came,  that  all  would  turn  out  for  our  ultimate 
good,  and  disappeared  at  my  feet ;  then  a  tall, 
finely-formed  young  man  with  dark  moustache 
came,  beating  his  breast  with  his  hand.  "  You 
see,  I  am  all  here,"  he  said  ;  "lam  John  Mans- 
field, formerly  of  New  Jersey.  I  was  attracted 
to  your  house  by  the  music.  I  am  guardian  of 
your  girls ;  I  am  going  to  try  to  help  in  your 
father  and  mother."  He  vanished ;  then  re- 
turned, trying  to  bring  the  half-materialized  but 
recognizable  forms  as  he  had  promised  ;  but  they 
were  weak,  and  seen  but  dimly. 

Then  came  the  clearly  defined  form  of  the 
children's  aunt,  and  the  girls,  who  were  some- 
what timid,  recognized  her  at  once.  She  kissed 
each  one  several  times  in  rapid  succession  just  as 
she  used  to  do  when  she  met  them  in  the  long 
ago;  called  them  and  my  wife  by  name,  and  dis- 
appeared, apparently  through  the  floor.      Then 


244        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

appeared  Mary,  mj  spirit- wife,  and  many  others 
whom  we  could  not  recognize. 

Little  Blue  Bell,  one  of  the  medium's  cabinet 
spirits,  them  came,  pointing  to  the  door,  saying : 
"  See  that  little  fat  snoozer  ?  "  we  looked  around 
and  saw  the  wondering  eyes  of  our  Bessie,  who 
we  supposed  was  "  snoozing  "  in  bed ;  she  had 
come  down  in  her  night-dress.  Finally,  Nellie, 
our  hired  girl,  who,  being  a  Catholic,  had  been 
warned  by  the  priest  never  to  countenance  spir- 
itualism, and  had  locked  herself  in  her  room, 
came  into  the  parlor,  wild-eyed  and  with  her 
hair  streaming  over  her  shoulders,  saying  she 
was  compelled  to  come  in.  At  once  the  form  of 
a  young  Irish  girl  clad  in  peasant  costume,  with 
hair  to  her  waist,  appeared,  and  clasped  Nellie 
in  her  arms ;  they  talked  a  few  minutes,  and  the 
form  vanished  in  air.  Nellie  told  us  that  it  was 
a  schoolmate  of  hers  who  died  in  Ireland  fifteen 
years  before,  that  they  had  been  great  friends, 
and  vied  with  each  other  in  growing  the  longer 
hair. 

These  facts  may  seem  incredible  to  those  who 
have  never  received  visitations  from  the  other 
world  ;  but  we  know  that  we  saw  and  felt  the 
forms  of  our  spirit  friends  on  that  occasion,  as 
surely  as  we  know  that  we  ever  saw  them  when 
they  were  with  us  daily  in  the  body  on  earth. 

When    alone    that    night,   I    "dropped   into 


HAND  IN  HAND  WITH  ANGELS.  245 

poetry,"  and  here  is  what  my  spirit-guided  hand 
wrote,  February  4th,  1895. 

Out  of  the  darkness  cometh  a  light, 

Out  of  the  silence  cometh  a  voice, 
The  pathway  of  life  grows  suddenly  bright, 

And  as  never  before  we  all  rejoice. 

The  dearly  beloved  who  have  gone  before 
Come  back  to  bless  from  the  beautiful  shore ; 

They  speak  to  us  words  of  lofty  cheer, 
That  banish  the  clouds  of  darksome  fear. 

How  sweet  to  know  that  there  is  no  death, 
That  the  soul  outlives  the  fleeting  breath  ; 

That  guardian  angels  surround  us  ever 
With  a  deathless  love  no  power  can  sever. 

We  mourn  no  more  the  vanished  youth, 

We  are  nearing  the  heaven  of  eternal  truth  ; 

We  lament  no  more  the  earthly  ills, 

For  their  power  will  cease  on  the  heavenly  hills. 

We  grieve  no  more  for  the  wrinkled  brow, 
Nor  for  withering  locks  as  white  as  snow, 

For  soon  will  we  greet  what  is  unseen  now, 
Soon  to  the  sunlit  heights  will  we  go. 

For  many  years  doubt's  saddening  shade 

On  our  hearts  its  pall  has  laid  : 
But  a  gleam  comes  from  the  bright  forever, 

And  gloom  and  fear  shall  haunt  us  never. 

We  have  felt  the  touch  of  the  vanished  hand, 

We  have  heard  the  sound  of  the  voice  that  is  still  ; 

They  have  come  to  us  from  the  better  land, 
Their  cheering  words  our  spirits  thrill. 


246        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

' '  We  will  know  the  loved  who  have  gone  before, 
And  joyfully  sweet  will  the  meeting  be 
When  over  the  river,  the  beautiful  river, 
The  angel  of  death  shall  carry  me." 


CHAPTER   XXVII. 

AMONG    THE    LAW-SHARKS. 

IT  seems  to  be  an  unwritten  law  of  human 
life  that  every  great  joy  shall  be  quickly 
followed  by  a  great  sorrow.  The  materialized 
forms  of  our  spirit  loved-ones  had  scarcely 
vanished  from  sight,  when  the  trouble  of  which 
my  brother  had  forewarned  us  fell  like  a  thun- 
derbolt from  a  cloudless  sky. 

We  had,  without  a  thought  of  deception,  and 
at  prices  which  then  prevailed,  sold  to  many  per- 
sons, lands  in  Florida,  some  for  settlement,  some 
as  investments.  Phosphate  had  been  discovered 
in  the  immediate  vicinity  of  some  of  our  tracts, 
and  this  fact  had  led  speculators  to  buy  our  lands, 
hoping  that  these  deposits  might  greatly  enhance 
values ;  but  the  usual  competition  to  sell  this 
valuable  fertilizer  had  for  the  time  reduced  prices 
to  a  non-paying  basis ;  then,  too,  an  unprecedented 
freeze,  which  once  in  about  a  hundred  years 
visits  all  semi-tropical  countries,  had  destroyed 
many  orange  groves  in  the  State,  and  so  fright- 
ened short-sighted,  timid  people,  that  Florida 
lands  were  at  a  great  discount,  and,  as  when  a 

247 


248        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

panic  sweeps  over  Wall  Street,  many  frantic- 
ally hastened  to  sell,  and  there  were  but  few 
buyers. 

This  led  several  of  my  customers  to  conspire 
to  frighten  me  into  paying  them  large  sums  as 
hush  money,  pretending  that  I  had  secured  their 
purchases  under  false  pretenses ;  but  the  Yankee 
spirit  of  our  fathers,  "millions  for  defense,  but 
not  one  cent  for  tribute,"  prompted  me  to  defy 
their  infamous  demands. 

Under  the  lead  of  a  fiendishly  "smart" 
lawyer,  they  declared  that  I  told  them  their 
lands  were  full  of  phosphate,  and  within  city 
limits,  although  my  published  circulars  and 
maps  stated  nothing  of  the  kind.  They  de- 
nounced me  as  a  fraud  in  the  newspapers, 
brought  lawsuits  against  me,  attached  property, 
and  proceeded  in  a  most  brutal  manner  to  com- 
pel payment  of  their  unjust  claims. 

My  word  for  half  a  century  had  everywhere 
been  as  good  as  my  bond,  and  my  bond  as  good 
as  gold.  I  had  never  before  had  a  lawsuit  or 
any  trouble  with  any  one,  and  so  in  my  inexperi- 
ence I  employed  a  lawyer  friend,  who  was  no 
match  for  my  enemies'  human  tiger.  They  testi- 
fied unfairly  in  court,  and  after  many  crushing 
annoyances  from  the  law's  delays,  my  lawyer, 
putting  in  no  defense,  in  order,  as  he  said,  to 
save   his  ammunition   for   use  in   the  Superior 


AMONG  THE  LA  W-SHARKS.  249 

Court,  to  which  he  appealed,  they  secured  judg- 
ment. 

All  these  slanders  broke  my  never  firm  health ; 
I  was  soon  on  the  verge  of  nervous  prostration, 
and  was  ordered  by  my  physician  to  at  once 
secure  a  change  of  climate  to  save  my  life.  My 
innocent  lawyer  supposed  that  a  court  of  justice 
would  postpone  my  trial  until  my  return ;  but 
we  have  now  some  "  courts  of  injustice." 

Some  lawyers  are  worse  than  highway  robbers  ; 
they  make  the  laws  as  legislators  to  suit  their 
own  iniquitous,  selfish  purposes,  so  worded  that 
they  are  susceptible  of  almost  any  interpretation, 
thus  leading  to  endless  litigations  by  which  these 
cannibal  devourers  of  reputations  are  robbing 
the  public  of  their  possessions.  They  employ 
spies  to  stir  up  strife,  and  some  lawyers  and 
judges  seem  to  be  banded  together  to  fleece  the 
confiding  lambs  of  the  public.  The  judge  not 
only  refused  to  postpone  the  trial  until  I  was 
able  to  attend,  but  refused  to  have  the  jury  in- 
formed that  I  was  absent  on  account  of  serious 
sickness. 

We  are  bound  hand  and  foot,  the  slaves  of 
these  law-sharks,  and  it  seems  as  if  nothing  but 
revolution  and  the  banishing  of  these  tyrants, 
will  ever  deliver  the  public  from  the  worse  than 
African  slavery  to  which  some  lawyers  subject 
us.     We  have  seen  innocent,  modest  lady  wit- 


250        THE  GENTLEMAN  FB03I  EVERYWHERE. 

nesses  subjected  to  bull-dozing  and  abuse  by  bar- 
barous lawyers,  until  they  suffered  tortures  to 
which  those  of  the  Spanish  Inquisition  were 
merciful. 

As  I  was  obliged  to  go  or  die,  I  accepted  the 
offer  of  my  wife's  brother,  a  member  of  the  pub- 
lishing firm  of  Webster's  Dictionaries,  and  went 
to  California  to  fight  their  battles  against  the 
new  Standard  Dictionary  which  was  rapidly 
driving  the  Webster  books  out  of  the  markets  of 
the  entire  Pacific  slope. 

The  trial  took  place  during  my  enforced  ab- 
sence ;  my  enemies'  crafty  attorney  told  the 
jury  that  my  failure  to  appear  was  a  sure  evi- 
dence of  guilt ;  my  doctor's  affidavit  that  he  sent 
me  away  to  save  my  life  was  not  allowed  to  be 
presented  in  court ;  each  plaintiff  claimed  to 
have  heard  the  statements  imputed  to  have  been 
made  by  me  to  the  others,  one  of  them  making 
love  to,  and  afterwards  marrying  one  of  my  most 
important  witnesses,  and  so  the  verdict  was 
against  me. 

But  curses  often  "  come  home  to  roost,"  and 
my  enemies  were  ultimately  not  benefited  at 
all,  as  the  lawyer-sharks  devoured  all  they  re- 
ceived from  me. 

In  the  meanwhile,  during  their  worrying  and 
falsifying,  I  was  speeding  away  in  a  palace-car, 
confident   that  my  spirit   brother's   declaration 


AMONG  THE  LA  W-SHARKS.  251 

would  prove  true  that  truth  is  mighty  and  will 
prevail,  if  not  in  the  brief  here,  yet  surely  in  the 
eternal  hereafter.  It  is  very  saddening  to  see 
how  many,  who  claim  to  be  your  friends  while 
you  are  prosperous,  are  the  first  to  assail  with 
poisoned  arrows  when  you  are  attacked  in  the 
courts  or  in  the  public  prints  ;  but  my  conscience 
is  clear,  and 

Serene,  I  fold  my  hands  and  wait, 

Nor  care  for  wind,  or  tide  or  sea. 
I  rave  no  more  'gainst  time  or  fate, 

For  soon  my  own  shall  come  to  me. 

Asleep,  awake,  by  night  or  day, 
The  friends  I  seek  are  seeking  me  ; 

No  wind  can  drive  my  bark  astray, 
Nor  change  the  tide  of  destiny. 

The  stars  come  nightly  to  the  sky  ; 

The  tidal  wave  into  the  sea  ; 
Nor  time,  nor  space,  nor  deep,  nor  high, 

Can  keep  my  own  away  from  me. 


CHAPTEE  XXVIII. 

CAMPAIGNING   IN    WONDERLAND. 

THIS  delightful  journey  was  a  wonderful 
revelation  of  the  greatness,  power,  and 
grandeur  of  this  glorious  republic  in  which  we 
live.  I  gazed  with  amazement  for  many  hours 
as  we  flew  over  the  marvelously  fertile  and  beau- 
tiful prairies  of  Kansas  ;  here  miles  upon  miles 
of  wheat,  corn,  and  alfalfa  waving  like  vast  seas, 
irrigated  by  means  of  numberless  windmills ; 
there,  herds  of  cattle,  numerous  as  the  leaves  of 
autumn ;  here,  long  lines  of  steam  plows  breaking 
thousands  of  acres  of  virgin  soil ;  there  mam- 
moth steam  reapers  devouring  vast  areas  of  gold 
mines  of  grain ;  the  food  of  the  nations  pouring 
into  bags  at  one  end,  while  the  stalks  were  bound 
midway  ready  for  the  fattening  of  cattle.  The 
chaff  flew  in  clouds,  and  quickly,  from  these 
machines,  millions  of  bushels  of  wheat  were  soon 
on  their  way  to  the  markets  of  the  world.  What 
wonder  that  our  country  now  has  in  Washington 
over  five  hundred  millions  of  gold  dollars  ;  the 
richest  treasury  ever  known  on  earth  ? 

252 


CAMPAIGNING  IN  WONDERLAND.  253 

Now  we  catch  glimpses  of  vast  mines  of  coal 
and  salt ;  then  of  great  cities  which  have  sprung 
up  as  by  magic ;  and  soon  my  eyes  were  greeted 
with  a  vision  of  heavenly  splendor  in  Colorado. 
Three  hundred  miles  of  the  Rocky  Mountains, 
Pike's  Peak  towering  14,000  feet  towards  the 
stars ;  great  clouds  of  snow  blowing  from  the 
summit  into  the  valleys;  there  cascades  of 
mighty  rivers  flowing  to  irrigate  lovely  valleys ; 
here  the  great  city  of  Denver,  having  125,000 
population,  and  one  mile  higher  up  in  the  air 
than  Boston. 

In  this  city  I  met  my  former  college  professor, 
now  the  multi-millionaire  United  States  senator, 
burdened  with  many  crushing  cares,  knowing 
about  as  much  peace  and  quietness  as  a  toad  un- 
der a  two-forty -gait  harrow. 

Then  on  went  the  mighty  train ;  here  a  glimpse 
at  Manitou  of  the  "  Garden  of  the  Gods,"  with 
cathedral  spires  of  old  red  sandstone  towering 
hundreds  of  feet  towards  the  clouds  which  capped 
their  summits  with  halos ;  on  through  the  grand 
canyon  of  the  Arkansas  River,  in  places  two 
miles  nearer  heaven  than  Boston;  here  we  see 
gigantic  natural  castles  with  battlements,  bas- 
tions and  fortresses  whose  leveled  cannon  you 
almost  instinctively  dodge  to  escape  their  imagi- 
nary bomb-shells.  Now  we  climb  almost  per- 
pendicular heights,  thousands  of  feet ;   now  we 


254        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

slide  down  into  chasms  barely  escaping  the  rush- 
ing waters ;  then  we  shoot  through  a  tunnel  two 
miles  long  under  1,500  feet  of  solid  rock ;  now 
we  rush  over  vast  plateaus  10,000  feet  above  the 
sea ;  then  we  catch  glimpses  of  herds  of  cattle, 
now  of  great  caves,  lone  trees  with  not  a  bit  of 
earth  visible  about  their  roots ;  now  we  rush  into 
Leadville,  a  mining  camp  of  10,000  people.  At 
midnight  a  huge  stone  rolled  down  the  mountain- 
side onto  the  track,  delaying  us  for  two  hours. 
Had  it  fallen  a  minute  later  we  would  have  been 
crushed  into  nothingness. 

In  the  morning  I  awoke  in  Utah,  rode  all  the 
forenoon  over  arid  plains  ;  gaunt,  hungry  wolves 
scud  away,  cayotes  ran  yelping,  and  jack  rabbits 
hopped  out  of  sight  for  dear  life ;  then  we  arrive 
at  Salt  Lake  City,  which  the  Mormons  have 
transformed  from  a  howling  wilderness  into  a 
fine  city,  with  a  surrounding  country  budding 
and  blossoming  with  bounteous  harvests.  The 
peak  towers  aloft  where  the  United  States  Regu- 
lars halted  after  their  terrible  march  over  the 
mountains,  near  where  the  famous  Nauvoo  Le- 
gion of  the  Mormons  surrendered,  after  their  re- 
bellion to  make  Brigham  Young  their  king, 
though  he  said  that  by  a  wave  of  his  hand  he 
could  hurl  back  the  balls  of  the  national  cannon 
to  annihilate  the  soldiers  of  the  republic. 

I  drank  in  with  delight  the  music  of  the  grand 


CAMPAIGNING  IN  WONDERLAND.  255 

organ  and  the  four  hundred  trained  singers  of 
the  Mormon  choir  in  the  vast  tabernacle. 

Then  on  thundered  the  train  by  the  great  Salt 
Lake,  one  hundred  miles  long  and  forty  miles 
wide,  so  salt  that  it  buoys  you  up  on  its  surface 
like  a  feather ;  then  on  over  the  sage-brush 
desert  to  Eeno,  Nevada,  where  is  the  world- 
renowned  Comstock  mine,  from  which  over  one 
hundred  millions  of  dollars'  worth  of  silver  has 
already  been  taken. 

Then  we  climbed  the  Sierra  Nevada  Moun- 
tains, around  and  around  in  a  circle,  shot  through 
a  snow  shed  forty  miles  long ;  then  lumber 
chutes  appear  many  miles  in  length,  through 
which  enormous  logs  are  shot  down  by  water 
power  from  the  mountain  lake.  Four  billion 
feet  of  lumber  are  cut  here  in  a  year. 

Then  on  we  go  past  Lake  Tahoe,  twenty-two 
miles  long,  surrounded  by  mountains  two  miles 
in  height ;  then  past  Cape  Horn,  along  precipices 
down  which  I  threw  a  stone  which  fell  2,500  feet 
into  the  American  River. 

We  slide  down  the  mountains  to  Auburn,  Cali- 
fornia, and  find  fruit  trees  in  blossom,  grass 
green,  and  crops  several  inches  high.  A  sudden 
change  in  a  few  minutes  from  deep  snow  and 
severe  cold  to  blossoms  and  roses.  On  we  go  to 
Sacramento,  surrounded  by  great  ranches  with 
vast  herds  of  cattle  and  sheep  feeding  on  the  wild 


256        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

grasses ;  then  on  to  San  Francisco,  the  Golden 
Gate,  and  the  unpacified  Pacific. 

The  principal  occupation  of  the  street  cars  in 
'Frisco,  is  climbing  almost  perpendicular  heights, 
and  then  sliding  down  hill.  All  very  pleasant 
except  when  the  cogs  in  the  cable  slip,  and  you 
become  part  and  parcel  of  a  promiscuous  mix-up, 
all  passengers  tumbling  over  and  on  to  each  other 
into  the  front  end  of  the  car,  and  if  you  are  at 
the  bottom  of  the  struggling  heap,  with  your 
nose  banged  against  the  door,  and  suffocating  fat 
parties  wedged  on  top  of  you,  this  rapid  transit 
slide  is  not  quite  so  delightful  as  when  you  ride 
on  the  top  of  the  crowd. 

Here  you  can  get  a  good  meal  with  a  bottle  of 
wine  thrown  in  for  "two  bits"  (twenty-five 
cents),  you  can  buy  three  different  kinds  of  news- 
papers for  the  same  price  as  one,  as  they  have  no 
coins  smaller  than  a  nickel.  For  a  nickel  you 
can  ride  for  miles  to  the  Cliff  House  which  is  at 
the  Golden  Gate,  where  are  acres  of  giant  flowers 
of  every  conceivable  variety,  all  beautiful,  but 
odorless  ;  you  watch  the  sea  lions  nearly  the  size 
of  oxen,  and  who  roar  and  fight  on  the  boulders. 
Then  we  enter  a  bath-house,  acres  in  extent, 
covered  with  glass,  where  you  can  swim  in  sea 
water  warmed  by  steam-pipes,  listen  to  the  band, 
examine  the  multitude  of  wild  animals  and  curi- 
osities collected  from  all  parts  of  the  world. 


The  Golden  Gate  of  the  Unpacified  Pacific. 


CAMPAIGNING  IN  WONDERLAND.  259 

Then  we  visit  the  city  park  of  twelve  hundred 
acres,  once  nothing  but  flying  sand.  At  first 
they  planted  on  these  dunes,  grass  roots  from 
South  America ;  these  fastened  themselves  to  the 
sand  and  formed  a  little  soil ;  then  were  planted 
shrubs  to  stop  the  sand  storms,  then  trees,  and 
now  the  real  estate  is  not  all  in  the  air. 

This  little  nickel  will  take  you  to  a  mountain- 
top  overlooking  city  and  ocean,  where  you  can 
sit  under  the  Eucalyptus  trees  which  shed  their 
bark  instead  of  their  leaves,  and  enjoy  the  music 
and  the  not  overmodest  dramas,  without  extra 
charge. 

The  saloons,  stores  and  theatres  are  open  seven 
days  and  nights  in  the  week,  and  multitudes  of 
all  nationalities,  clad  in  their  peculiar  costumes, 
hobnob  with  each  other  in  the  most  free  and 
easy  manner  imaginable,  without  waiting  for  in- 
troductions, in  this  the  most  cosmopolitan  city 
on  earth. 

Sometimes  you  will  see  the  harbor  literally 
covered  with  the  most  delicious  fruits  and  vege- 
tables, dumped  into  the  water,  because  the  trans- 
portation charges  to  market  would  more  than  eat 
up  the  proceeds  of  their  sale.  I  visited  at  San 
Jose,  the  large  flourishing  fruit  orchard  of  a  col- 
lege classmate  who  had  spent  years  of  hard  labor 
and  the  earnings  of  a  lifetime,  to  bring  his  trees 
into    bearing ;    but   I   found    he    had    deserted 


260        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

his  ranch  because  he  could  not  make  a  living 
thereon,  and  had  gone  to  preach  for  a  little 
church  far  away,  at  five  hundred  dollars  per 
annum. 

I  saw  at  Kiverside  large  crops  of  oranges 
frozen  upon  the  trees ;  but  the  real  estate  sharks 
never  allow  these  facts  to  be  published,  because 
they  fatten  on  the  profits  made  by  selling  lands 
to  the  gullible  "  tender  feet  "  from  the  east,  who, 
when  they  have  bought  these  farms  at  enormous 
prices,  find  to  their  utter  discouragement,  that 
they  must  also  buy  Avater  for  irrigation  from 
monopolists,  at  ruinous  rates,  else  the  soil  is 
worthless.  Here  as  nowhere  else  is  illustrated 
the  truth  of  the  Scriptural  adage :  "  To  him  that 
hath  shall  be  given,  but  from  him  that  hath  not 
shall  be  taken  away  even  that  which  he  hath." 

When  you  go  to  a  place  scarcely  thirty  miles 
distant,  which,  in  New  England,  you  would  reach 
in  an  hour,  you  are  obliged  to  travel  all  night,  as 
you  must  climb  cloud-touching  mountains,  going 
many  miles  to  cover  what  would  be  only  one 
mile  in  a  straight  line ;  now  you  glide  along 
close  to  the  long,  lazy  waves  of  the  great  Pacific 
Ocean,  where  the  grass  kisses  the  salt  lips  of  the 
sea ;  now  from  the  tops  of  the  Santa  Cruz  moun- 
tains, you  survey  the  world  at  your  feet ;  now 
you  rush  through  the  red-wood  primeval  for- 
ests, giants  touching  the  clouds  with  their  tops, 


The  Dome  of  Mount  Shasta  Gleams  like   "the  Great  White  Throne." 


CAMPAIGNING  IN  WONDERLAND.  263 

while  in  the  hollow  trunk  of  one  of  these  trees  a 
family  of  twelve  can  live  quite  comfortably ; 
then  on  to  Los  Angeles, — "  City  of  the  angels," 
they  call  it — a  beautiful  city  for  those  possessed 
of  means  or  who  are  dispossessed  of  bodies  which 
must  be  clothed  and  fed. 

Some  have  "  struck  oil "  here,  and  the  stench 
and  grime  from  the  spouting  wells  have  ruined 
the  houses  of  hundreds  who  have  reaped  no  profit 
from  the  petroleum,  because  they  did  not  own 
the  adjoining  lots  where  it  was  found ;  then  on 
we  go  to  lovely  Passadena  on  a  table-land  sur- 
rounded by  snow-capped  mountains ;  but  the 
winds  from  the  cold  summits  come  suddenly 
when  you  are  melting  with  the  heat,  bringing 
plenty  of  catarrh  for  all ;  then  on  to  San  Diego 
on  the  hill  by  the  sea,  where  the  fog  is  sometimes 
so  thick  you  can  cut  it  into  blocks  with  an  axe ; 
then  on  to  the  far-famed  Coronado  Hotel,  close 
by  the  sea. 

In  the  boom-time,  this  was  claimed  to  be  the 
veritable  "  Garden  of  Eden,"  and  soil  was  consid- 
ered worth  its  weight  in  gold,  but  now  my  guide 
offered  me  six  house  lots  which  cost  him  three 
thousand  dollars,  for  two  hundred  dollars;  the 
bubble  had  burst,  a  few  had  become  rich,  while 
hundreds  of  speculators  had  lost  their  all. 

I  swam  in  the  spacious  warmed- water  sea- 
baths,  communed  with  the  wild  ducks,  cormo- 


264  .     THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

rants  and  pelicans,  looked  with  amazement  at  the 
giant  ostriches,  and  sympathized  with  their  seem- 
ing wonderment  as  to  why  we  were  all  sent  into 
this  sad,  bewildering  maze  of  life. 

At  National  City  the  refluent  wave  of  the 
boom  had  left  many  of  the  houses  and  business 
blocks  dilapidated  and  unoccupied  save  by  bats, 
spiders  and  flies.  You  could  occupy  free  of  rent 
many  buildings  with  none  to  molest  or  make  you 
afraid. 

Thence  on  dashes  the  train  to  the  celebrated 
Hotel  Delmonte,  at  Monterey,  the  show  place  of 
the  Southern  Pacific  Kaiiroad,  which,  by  its  ex- 
tortionate transportation  charges,  has  ruined 
many  struggling  fruit  raisers  in  this  state  where 
monopoly  holds  such  mighty  sway. 

There  are  many  hotels  in  Florida  which  far 
surpass  this  as  far  as  the  buildings  are  concerned ; 
but  the  grounds  are  extensive  and  very  beauti- 
ful, and  the  wide  piazzas  are  embowered  in  a  pro- 
fusion of  all  kinds  of  climbing  vines  covered  with 
the  loveliest  blossoms.  Stretching  away  until 
earth  and  sky  meet,  is  an  imperial  domain, 
covered  with  noble  trees  which  were  giants  when 
Adam  was  a  baby,  many  festooned  with  English 
ivy  and  flowering  trumpet  creepers  almost  to  the 
stars.  Then  we  walked  under  long  Gothic  arches, 
cool  and  fragrant. 

Here   is   every   arrangement   conceivable    for 


CAMPAIGNING  IN  WONDERLAND.  265 

entertainment ;  on  one  side  the  Pacific  ocean ; 
on  the  other  the  Coast  Range  Mountains,  a  very 
pleasant  resort  for  the  very  rich ;  but  we  found 
there  at  this  time  more  servants  than  guests. 

The  town  of  Monterey  is  interesting  only  for 
its  ruins  of  ancient  monasteries  and  convents, 
where  a  few  lazy  half-breeds  alone  remain  to  tell 
the  tale  of  multitudes  over  whom  the  Catholic 
priests  reigned  supreme,  reducing  their  dupes  to 
beggary  by  their  extortions.  Once  these  moun- 
tains were  covered  with  vast  flocks  of  sheep,  but 
the  foolish  reduction  of  the  tariff  on  wool  by  the 
Wilson  bill,  destroyed  all  profits,  and  the  flocks 
disappeared  into  the  hungry  mouths  of  the 
people. 

Thence  the  iron  horse  took  us  back  to  'Frisco, 
and  we  sailed  all  day  and  all  night  to  Sacra- 
mento. The  scenery  was  grand,  but  the  cold 
weather  chilled  us  to  the  very  bones.  Islands  of 
old  red  sandstone  loom  like  sentinels  along  the 
coast,  covered  with  lighthouses  to  warn  the 
mariners.  The  twin  peaks  of  Montepueblo  cov- 
ered with  perpetual  snow,  seemed  to  support  the 
heavens  as  do  the  pillars  the  dome  of  the  capitol. 

Swarms  of  screaming  sea  gulls  fill  the  air,  some 
of  which,  benumbed  by  cold  alighted  on  the 
steamer's  deck.  Lonely  ranches  are  seen,  hemmed 
in  by  the  everlasting  hills. 

Our  great,  lazy   boat,  propelled   by   a   stern 


266        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

wheel  as  big  as  a  barn,  paddled  slowly  over  the 
muddy  waters  of  the  great  Sacramento  River, 
made  yellow  by  the  turbid  waters  sent  to  it  from 
scores  of  hydraulic  mines  on  the  mountains.  On 
one  island  is  an  immense  smelting  furnace,  the 
tall  chimneys  of  which  send  forth  volumes  of 
poisonous  smoke,  dangerous  to  breathe,  and  cov- 
ering everything  with  a  coating  black  as  soot. 
Inhaling  this,  some  of  the  operators  die  of  lead 
poisoning.  Many  islands  are  here  scarcely  above 
the  water's  edge,  having  little  houses  built  on 
stilts  occupied  by  the  salmon  fishers  who  are 
seen  pulling  their  nets,  and  around  whose  heads 
whirl  and  scream  flocks  of  fish  hawks,  ravenous 
for  their  prey. 

After  a  successful  book  fight  at  the  capital 
city,  I  went  to  Red  Bluff  where  I  was  broiled 
and  roasted  in  a  day  and  night  temperature  of  a 
hundred  and  twelve  degrees  in  the  shade.  I  sur- 
vived only  by  keeping  my  head  wrapped  in  ice 
water;  I  could  neither  eat  nor  sleep,  and  like 
Dickens,  I  longed  to  "  take  off  my  flesh,  and  sit 
in  my  bones."     It  was  a  veritable  hell  on  earth. 

The  county  superintendent  of  schools  here,  told 
me  he  sold  his  prune  crop  that  year  for  five 
thousand  dollars,  and  went  away  leaving  the 
purchaser  to  pick  the  fruit.  On  his  return,  he 
found  that  the  red  spiders  had  anticipated  the 
pickers,  and  destroyed  the  entire  crop,  so  that 


CAMPAIGNING  IN  WONDERLAND.  267 

his  work  of  years  came  to  naught,  as  the  buyers 
of  course  refused  to  pay  to  feed  the  spiders. 

Thence  I  went  to  San  Luis  Obispo,  and  on  the 
way  we  struck  the  Coast  Bange  Mountains. 
The  tortuous  upclimbing  and  downsliding  of  the 
train  disclosed  scenery  imposing  and  grand. 
You  looked  down  the  precipitous  rock-ribbed 
sides  thousands  of  feet  to  the  narrow,  beautiful 
valleys,  made  productive  by  the  irrigation  from 
many  foaming  waterfalls.  We  circle  the  moun- 
tains many  times  before  reaching  the  valleys, 
traveling  many  hours  to  gain  a  straight-line 
mile. 

These  valleys  are  lovely  to  look  down  upon  ; 
but  the  fogs  much  of  the  time  hang  over  them 
like  a  pall,  and  catarrh  and  rheumatism  render 
life  one  of  misery  to  many  of  the  people. 


Above  the  Clouds. 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

AMONG   THE   CLOUDS. 

IN  the  following  May,  1896,  I  took  a  sky- 
scraping  journey  to  the  great  states  of  Wash- 
ington and  Oregon.  The  climbing  of  Mt.  Shasta 
and  the  Siskyo  range  by  train  presented  sublime 
views  that  no  language  can  even  feebly  describe. 
At  the  summits  we  were  at  least  two  miles  in 
the  air  higher  than  the  dome  of  the  Massachu- 
setts State  House.  As  we  climbed,  I  could  see 
from  the  window  of  the  palace  car,  the  two 
engines  of  our  train  puffing  for  all  they  were 
worth  around  the  curves,  far  ahead. 

We  looked  down  from  the  narrow  rim  of  the 
railroad,  thousands  of  feet  perpendicular  upon 
foaming  rivers  dashing  themselves  into  rainbows 
and  cataracts  against  the  everlasting  boulders  in 
their  courses.  Here  cascades,  miles  in  length, 
came  rushing  down  the  mountainsides,  shooting 
hundreds  of  feet  into  the  air  as  they  struck  the 
giant  rocks,  and  at  one  place  we  stopped  for  half 
an  hour  to  drink  from  the  soda  springs  pure, 
delicious  soda  water,  huge  geysers  of  it  efferves- 
cing, scintillating,  silvery  in  the  sunbeams,  caught 

271 


272        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

in  a  rocky  basin  from  which  it  is  sent  all  over 
the  world. 

Above,  the  mighty  Sacramento  River  has  its 
source  in  a  little  spring,  almost  touching  the 
stars — so  emblematical  of  our  human  life,  which 
begins  in  the  infinite  on  high  ;  is  enveloped  in  a 
dust  of  earth  ;  expands  in  its  evolution  into  the 
angel  back  into  the  eternity  from  whence  it 
came ;  for  science  reveals  that  the  springs  come 
from  the  clouds  as  dew  and  rain,  run  their 
courses,  and  by  evaporation  are  taken  back  into 
their  first  home  in  the  vapors  of  the  heavens. 

There  are  enormous  log-shoots  seeming  like 
Jacob's  ladder  to  reach  from  earth  to  heaven, 
and  in  which,  the  giants  of  the  vast  mountain 
forests  are  carried  by  water  with  almost  light- 
ning speed  to  the  mills  on  the  river ;  there  the 
splendid  snow-covered  dome  of  Shasta  gleams 
above  the  clouds  like  the  great  white  throne 
described  by  St.  John  in  Revelation. 

Now  come  glimpses  of  little  green  valleys; 
here  and  there,  a  few  small  houses  and  flocks  of 
sheep  show  that  these  cases  are  peopled  "far 
from  the  maddening  crowd's  ignoble  strife." 

These  vast  solitudes  of  forests  are  very  impress- 
ive and  solemn  as  the  day  of  judgment ;  giant 
fir-trees,  pines  and  spruces,  beautifully  clothed  in 
perpetual  green  even  to  the  lower  dead  limbs 
which  nature  has  covered  with  a  verdure  of  moss 


AMONG  THE  CLOUDS.  273 

— like  our  dead  hopes,  blasted  by  the  fires  of 
adversity  but  made  radiant  by  the  fore-gleams 
of  immortality.  There  the  bright  mistletoe  is 
suspended  from  dead  tree-tops,  like  beauteous 
crowns  adorning  the  heads  of  those  who  have 
died  rather  than  surrender  to  the  low  and  base  ; 
there  deep  canyons,  brilliant  with  the  diamonds 
made  by  the  sun  from  the  scintillating  drops 
from  dashing  torrents — so  from  the  unseen 
heights  come  the  dews  of  heaven  to  refresh  those 
who  walk  by  faith  and  not  by  sight  "  looking  not 
at  the  things  seen  which  are  temporal,  but  at  the 
things  not  seen  which  are  eternal." 

Here  comes  a  dense  white  cloud  of  snow 
through  the  air,  covering  our  train  with  a  pearly 
shroud,  through  the  rifts  of  which,  far  below,  we 
have  glimpses  of  lovely  vales  and  white  ranch- 
houses,  smiling  up  at  us,  above  the  clouds. 

Dearly  beloved — all  seems  to  say  it  becometh 
us,  not  to  sorrow  for  the  dead  hopes,  broken 
promises,  and  bitter  disappointments  of  this  mor- 
tal life,  remembering  that  this  is  not  our  home, 
that  we  tarry  here  for  a  few  fleeting  days,  that 
our  true  home  is  with  the  good  beyond  the  infi- 
nite azure  of  the  heavens,  where  dear  ones  are 
waiting  to  welcome  us  to  the  endless  rest  and 
peace  awaiting  all  who  fight  the  good  fight,  and 
who  keep  themselves  unspotted  from  the  world. 

At  times,  while  the  train  was  dashing  along 


274        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE, 

over  the  seemingly  interminable  plains,  green 
and  productive  during  the  rainy  season,  but  now 
parched  and  arid  by  the  terrible  heat,  we  were 
almost  suffocated  by  the  dense  dust  clouds,  and 
well-nigh  withered  by  the  winds  which  seem  to 
come  from  the  very  jaws  of  Dante's  Inferno ; 
then  the  shifting  young  cyclone  would  suddenly 
envelop  us  with  chilling  snows  from  Shasta,  and 
so  we  oscillated  like  pendulums  'twixt  torrid 
heats  and  arctic  colds. 

At  last,  almost  dazed  by  the  unspeakable, 
lightning-like,  climatic  transformations,  the  great 
iron  steeds  brought  us  to  Portland,  the  metrop- 
olis of  the  great  state  of  Oregon.  Here,  as  in 
many  places  on  the  Pacific  coast,  people  should 
be  web-footed  during  the  rainy  season  to  escape 
the  drowning,  and  iron  clad  during  the  dry  sea- 
son to  escape  the  merciless  peltings  of  the  clouds 
of  shot-like  dust.  The  dampness  in  this  valley, 
hemmed  in  by  the  now  dripping,  then  brook  cov- 
ered mountains,  is  far  from  pleasant,  and  covers 
many  of  the  buildings  with  unsightl}'-  mosses.  In 
Washington  and  Oregon  those  who  survive  the 
climatic  trials  are  a  strong,  energetic  race,  rapidly 
building  up  powerful  empires  in  the  great  ag- 
gregation of  states  of  our  grandest  nation  the 
world  has  ever  known. 

The  broad-minded,  generous-hearted  people  of 
this  great  far  west,  make  no  distinctions  as  to 


AMONG  THE  CLOUDS.  275 

sex  in  apportioning  their  salaries  for  school  work, 
and  this,  coupled  with  their  numerous  co-educa- 
tional universities  and  normal  schools,  has  given 
them  an  army  of  lady  teachers  and  superintend- 
ents unequaled  elsewhere  in  the  world. 

The  county  superintendents  of  schools  are 
elected  by  the  popular  vote,  and  the  women  take 
to  the  stump-speaking  and  the  usual  kissing  of  vo- 
ters' babies  as  naturally  as  ducks  take  to  the  water. 
Result, — the  ladies  secure  the  political  plums, 
and  the  men  are  rapidly  being  driven  to  manual 
labor,  their  natural  sphere  of  action,  though  not 
without  vigorous  kicking  against  the  inevitable. 
These  ex-men-superintendents  buttonhole  you  at 
every  turn,  reciting  the  outrages  perpetrated 
upon  them  by  their  successful  women  competi- 
tors. 

At  an  election  in  a  California  town,  one  of 
these  men  sufferers,  mistaking  me  for  a  voter, 
took  me  by  a  button  of  my  coat,  and  poured 
forth  a  tale  of  woe  so  long  that,  unable  to  endure 
it  longer,  I  cut  off  the  button  and  fled.  He 
did  not  notice  my  departure,  and  two  hours  later, 
there  he  was  holding  on  to  the  button,  all  alone, 
gesticulating  frantically,  and  beseeching  me  to 
vote  for  him  to  save  his  wife  and  ten  children 
from  starvation.  For  aught  I  know,  he  has  not 
missed  me  to  this  day  ;  but  is  still  sounding  forth 
his  wild  appeals. 


276        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

Should  I  describe  fully  all  the  wonderful  scenes 
beheld  by  me  in  this  wonderland,  I  should  ex- 
haust time  and  trench  upon  eternity.  Suffice  it 
to  state  that  I  returned  to  'Frisco,  fought  a  suc- 
cessful dictionary  battle  there,  formed  the  ac- 
quaintance of  many  distinguished  men,  among 
them  the  great  Irving  Scott,  who  built  the 
famous  battleship  Oregon.  He  was  president  of 
the  city  school-board,  head  of  the  vast  Union 
Iron  Works,  and  besides  performing  many  hercu- 
lean labors,  was  stumping  the  state  nightly  in 
favor  of  the  election  of  William  McKinley  to  the 
presidency  of  the  United  States. 

I  was  fairly  driven  from  this  city  by  the  fero- 
cious fleas,  which  seemed  to  render  life  almost 
unendurable  in  hovel  and  palace.  I  could  get  no 
rest  day  or  night  in  many  parts  of  the  state,  on 
account  of  the  savage  attacks  of  these  unspeak- 
able, insatiate  biters,  more  terrible  than  an  army 
with  Gatling  guns. 

Crossing  the  beautiful  bay  in  the  floating  pal- 
ace ferry-boat,  I  was  for  a  time  enchanted  with 
Highland  Park,  Oakland.  In  front,  through  a 
vista  of  Eucalyptus,  oak  and  elm  trees,  appear  the 
glistening  waters  of  the  famed  inland  sea ;  on  the 
right  are  seen  the  domes  and  spires  of  Oakland, 
Alameda,  and  San  Francisco  ;  across  the  valley 
loom  the  mountains,  in  the  rainy  season  green  to 
their  summits,  on  which  rest  the  serene  blue  of 


AMONG  THE  CLOUDS.  277 

the  heavens,  except  when  the  frequent  fogs  bury 
everything  from  sight.  On  one  side  of  the  house, 
at  the  same  time,  the  trade  winds  from  the  Pa- 
cific chill  you  to  your  very  bones,  on  the  other 
side  the  burning  heat  is  unbearable.  Afar  off  the 
humble  home  of  Joaquin  Miller,  poet  of  the 
Sierras,  clearly  appears. 

There  are  many  beautiful  homes  on  this  lofty 
hilltop,  but  they  were  all  for  sale  at  bargains, 
for  their  occupants  have  grown  weary  of  the 
cloud  bursts  of  the  long  dreary  rainy  season,  then 
of  the  parching  heats  of  the  equally  dreary  dry 
season,  when  a  pickaxe  and  crowbar  are  re- 
quired to  dig  a  potato  unless  you  keep  water  run- 
ning from  the  hose  day  and  night.  These  people 
long  to  return  to  their  old  homes  in  New  Eng- 
land where  the  varying  seasons  are  not  so  monot- 
onous. 

I  was  invited  to  accompany  a  religious  society 
on  a  week's  camp  in  a  romantic  canyon ;  but  I 
was  glad  I  did  not  when  they  returned  in  a 
couple  of  days,  narrating  an  adventure  which 
daunted  the  stoutest  hearts.  On  the  second  night 
of  their  camping,  the  men  were  aroused  from 
sleep  by  the  frightful  screams  from  the  women's 
tent ;  rushing  out,  they  saw  in  the  light  of  the 
great  fire  kept  burning  to  frighten  the  wild-cats 
and  mountain  lions,  a  circle  of  venomous  rattle- 
snakes, hissing  like  fiends  and  coiled  for  spring- 


278        THE  GENTLE3IAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

ing.  The  men  fought  desperately  all  night  with 
shotguns  and  clubs.  Life  is  scarcely  worth  the 
living  with  these  demons,  and  their  natural  at- 
tendants, the  horrible  tarantulas. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

DISENCHANTED. — HOME  AGAIN. 

I  HAD  secured  the  adoption  of  our  diction- 
aries in  every  county  visited  by  me,  and  now 
the  publishers  desired  me  to  remain  on  the 
Pacific  coast  permanently,  without  salary,  rely- 
ing on  commissions  on  sales  of  their  books  made 
by  me  and  my  sub-agents  by  canvassing,  from 
house  to  house.  This  financial  proposition  was 
far  from  being  alluring,  for  the  laws  enacted  by 
a  national  democratic  rule  of  four  years  had 
ruined  many  of  the  principal  industries  of  this 
section,  and  the  larger  cities  required  a  license 
fee  of  twenty  dollars  per  week  from  all  canvass- 
ing agents.  Many  houses  displayed  large  signs, 
"  No  book  agents  allowed  here,"  and  they  kept 
ferocious  dogs  to  enforce  the  rule.  The  majority 
of  the  people  were  poor ;  the  rich  were  already 
supplied  with  dictionaries ;  and  the  schools 
would  have  no  funds  available  with  which  to 
buy  reference  books  for  nearly  a  year.  Compe- 
ting agents  had  visited  every  house  before  my 
arrival  on  the  coast,  and  I  therefore  resigned  my 
worthless  position,  and  took  the  Eastern  agency 

279 


280        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

for  a  Tonic  Port  which  had,  by  its  wonderful 
efficacy,  delivered  many  from  the  horrors  of 
nervous  prostration,  anaemia,  and  kindred  dis- 
eases which  afflict  so  many  of  the  human  race. 

Another  disenchantment, — another  Eden  be- 
comes a  Sahara.  I  had  reached  the  Pacific  coast 
just  when  the  departing  rainy  season  had  left  all 
nature  fair  as  a  poet's  dream  of  love,  and,  vainly 
dreaming  that  this  was  perpetual,  it  seemed  as 
if  I  would  sigh  for  no  other  heaven.  But  the 
scorching  heat  and  Siroccoes  from  the  Mohave 
Desert  followed  close  upon  the  rear-guard  of  the 
retreating,  life-giving  rain-clouds,  and  soon  the 
lovely  flowers  died ;  the  enchanting  green  grass 
withered  ;  the  soul  of  the  beautiful  vanished,  and 
the  suffocating  dust  storms  buried  the  earth  in  a 
ghostly  shroud,  save  where  wealth  was  sufficient 
to  bring  the  mountain  streams  for  irrigation. 

I  had  for  a  time  reveled  in  the  dreams  which 
fleetingly  haunt  all  mortals,  that  there  I  had 
found  the  lost  Arcadia,  where  balmy  zephyrs  fan 
the  brow  into  ecstasy  forever ;  but,  alas  !  After 
a  brief  respite  I  had,  in  that  land  which  the  real 
estate  sharks  called  "  Paradise,"  suffered  more 
from  alternating  chilling  winds  and  withering 
heat  than  ever  before  ;  one  day  sweltering  in  the 
thinnest  of  seersuckers,  and  perhaps  the  very 
next  shivering  in  all  the  woolens  I  could  command. 


DISENCHANTED— HOME  AGAIN.  281 

Without  a  shadow  of  regret  or  even  a  back- 
ward look,  I  bade  farewell  to  the  Pacific  and  re- 
turned to  the  Atlantic  of  my  youth,  until  the 
day  dawns  and  the  shadows  flee  away. 

I  sojourned  for  some  months  in  the  cities  of 
Richmond,  Baltimore,  Providence,  and  Philadel- 
phia, endeavoring  to  impress  upon  the  minds  of 
the  physicians  the  importance  of  prescribing  my 
remedy,  but  with  no  glittering  financial  success, 
lingering  for  weeks  in  the  last  named  city,  on  the 
very  verge  of  the  grave  to  which  I  was  brought 
by  the  filthy  water  of  that  grotesquely  misnamed 
"  City  of  Brotherly  Love." 

I  had  been,  in  former  years,  the  champion 
school-book  agent  of  New  England,  and  pub- 
lishers had  often  told  me  that  if  I  ever  returned 
to  this  vocation,  they  would  gladly  employ  me. 
I  applied  to  one  of  these  for  a  position,  requesting 
a  man  who  owed  his  success  in  business  entirely  to 
my  friendly  aid  and  instructions,  to  speak  a  good 
word  for  me,  but  he  at  once  showed  his  gratitude 
by  securing  the  appointment  for  himself,  being 
aided  and  abetted  by  an  influential  bald-headed 
man  who  hated  me,  simply  because  I  had  sent  to 
him  a  friend  who  represented  a  hair  restorer. 
Said  bald-headed  man  had  many  reasons  to,  and 
had  often  claimed  to  be,  a  friend  of  mine ;  but 
was  foolishly  sensitive  about  his  lack  of  hirsute 
adornment,  and  said  I  insulted  him  by  referring 


282        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

to  his  billiard-ball  caput.  Truly,  gratitude  is  a 
lost  art,  and  some  friends  immediately  become 
enemies  when  they  can  secure  from  you  no  more 
plunder. 

It  is  exceedingly  difficult  for  a  man  who  has 
passed  the  "  death  line  "  of  the  half  century,  to 
find  a  place  where  he  can  do  good  and  get  good  ; 
the  hustling  crowd  of  younger  and  stronger  com- 
petitors push  him  to  the  wall  or  trample  him  be- 
neath their  feet,  in  the  terrific  scramble  for  the 
bare  necessities  of  life.  He  drifts  into  the  de- 
pressing occupation  of  book  or  life  insurance 
agency,  and  at  once  every  so-called  friend,  who 
pretended  to  worship  him  when  he  was  prosper- 
ous, gives  him  the  cold  shoulder,  and  "poor 
devil"  is  the  most  complimentary  epithet  with 
which  he  is  greeted. 

Analogous  with  that  wonderful  Gulf  Stream, 
once  a  myth,  still  a  mystery,  the  strange  current 
of  human  existence  bears  each  and  all  of  us  with 
a  strong,  steady  sweep  from  the  tropic  lands  of 
sunny  childhood,  enameled  with  verdure  and 
gaudy  with  bloom,  through  the  temperate  re- 
gions of  manhood  and  womanhood,  fruitful  or 
fruitless  as  the  case  may  be;  on  to  the  often 
frigid,  lonely  shores  of  old  age,  snow-crowned 
and  ice- veined  ;  and  individual  destinies  seem  to 
resemble  the  tangled  drift  on  those  broad  gulf 
billows,  strewn  on  barren  beaches,  stranded  upon 


DISENCHANTED— HOME  AGAIN.  283 

icebergs,  some  to  be  scorched  under  equatorial 
heats,  some  to  perish  by  polar  perils ;  a  few  to 
take  root  and  flourish,  building  imperishable 
landmarks;  and  many  to  stagnate  in  the  long 
inglorious  rest  of  the  Sargasso  Sea. 

But  really  to  the  faithful  soul  nothing  is  lost ; 
though  the  great  prizes  of  earth  are  denied  us, 
every  heroic  endeavor,  every  struggle  to  benefit 
the  world  sends  treasures  on  high  to  our  credit 
in  the  grand  bank  of  heaven. 


There  are  the  thoughts  that  one  by  one  died  'ere 

we  gave  them  birth, 
The  songs  we  tried  in  vain  to  sing,  too  sweet,  too 
beautiful  for  earth. 
No  endeavor  is  in  vain  ; 
Its  reward  is  in  the  doing, 
And  the  rapture  of  pursuing, 
Is  the  prize  the  vanquished  gain. 


We  are  all  conscious  of  these  songs  we  have 
tried  in  vain  to  sing,  and  we  are  confident  we 
will  yet  sing  them  when  the  bodily  impediments 
are  swept  away,  and,  as  the  earthly  shadows 
lengthen,  as  the  chill  winds  of  old  age 
strengthen,  we  more  and  more  appreciate  the 
wonderful  expression  of  this  thought,  in  that 
sweetest  of  all  poems  of  the  minor  key,  called 
"  The  voiceless." 


284        THE  GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

' '  We  count  the  broken  lyres  that  rest 

Where  the  sweet  wailing  singers  slumber  ; 
But  o'er  the  silent  brother's  breast, 
The  wild  flowers  who  will  stoop  to  number. 

' '  A  few  can  touch  the  magic  string, 

And  noisy  fame  is  proud  to  win  them  ; 
Alas  for  those  who  never  sing, 

But  die  with  all  their  music  in  them. 

"Not  where  Leucadian  breezes  sweep 

O'er  Sappho's  memory-haunted  billow  ; 
But  where  the  glistening  night  dews  weep 
O'er  nameless  sorrow's  churchyard  pillow. 

"  If  singing  breath  or  echoing  chord 
To  every  hidden  pang  were  given, 
What  endless  melodies  were  poured, 
As  sad  as  earth,  as  sweet  as  heaven." 

We  have  done  our  best  according  to  the  light 
that  has  been  given ;  we  will  continue  to  do  so 
until  the  end,  and  we  are  soothed  and  sustained 
by  the  inspiring  thought  so  sweetly  expressed  by 
one  of  our  greatest  poets. 

"I  know  not  where  God's  islands  lift 
Their  fronded  palms  in  air, 
I  only  know  I  cannot  drift 
Beyond  His  love  and  care. 

"  And  so  beside  the  silent  sea, 
I  wait  the  muffled  oar  : 
No  harm  from  Him  can  come  to  me 
On  ocean  or  on  shore." 


DISENCHANTED. -HOME  AGAIN. 


285 


Only  waiting  till  the  angels 

Open  wide  the  mystic  gate, 
At  whose  feet  I  long  have  lingered, 

Weary,  sad,  and  desolate  ; 
Even  now  I  hear  their  footsteps, 

And  their  voices  far  away  — 
"When  they  call  nie,  I  am  waiting, 

Only  waiting  to  obey. 


AFTERMATH 


•v  ^% 


CHAPTER    XXXI. 

THE    FLORIDA    CRACKERS. 

WHEN  the  previous  thirty  chapters  were  in 
press,  the  conviction  was  forced  upon  me 
that  any  book  which  touched  upon  Florida  with- 
out a  description  of  its  poor  whites  called  "  Crack- 
ers," would  be  like  the  play  of  "  Hamlet "  with 
the  Prince  of  Denmark  left  out,  and  I  gladly  pay 
this  tribute  of  grateful  remembrance  to  the  most 
unique,  and  the  only  truly  contented  people  that 
I  have  ever  met  on  earth. 

So  far  forth  as  history  enlightens  us,  the  an- 
cestors of  these  peculiar  specimens  of  the  human 
race  were  never  born  anywhere  in  particular,  but 
like  Topsy,  they  "  simply  growed." 

Why  these  usually  long,  lean,  lank,  saffron-hued, 
erst-while  clay-eaters  have  received  such  an  unro- 
mantic  name  has  been  variously  accounted  for. 
Some  say  the  name  was  suggested  by  the  fact 
that  when  not  otherwise  employed,  they  are  con- 
stantly cracking  the  lice  which  swarm  in  their 
never-combed  hair ;  others  ascribe  it  to  the  frequent 
cracking  of  their  rifles  and  long  whip-lashes  as 

289 


290     THE    GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

they  pursue  their  game  or  drive  their  cattle.  An 
ex-slave  of  one  of  them  tells  me  that  they  are 
called  "  Crackers,"  because  they  are  all  "  cracked 
as  to  their  cocoanuts." 

Although  the  faces  of  many  of  these  children 
of  nature  are  usually  as  expressionless  as  a  cast- 
iron  cook-stove,  they  are  far  from  being  as  stupid 
as  they  look ;  for  even  General  Jackson,  "  the 
man  of  blood  and  iron,"  would  have  won  but  few, 
if  any,  laurels  in  his  campaigns  against  the  Semi- 
noles,  had  it  not  been  for  his  advanced  guard  of 
the  warlike  "  Crackers." 

"  Out  there  in  history "  we  see  him  and  his 
army,  while  recklessly  rushing  the  redskins,  be- 
come lost  and  bewildered  in  the  vast  primeval 
forest.  Day  after  day,  they  marched,  but  always 
in  a  circle ;  and  each  nightfall  found  them  near 
where  they  broke  camp  in  the  morning.  Provisions 
failed,  and  hunger  and  thirst  drove  the  soldiers 
frantic.  Every  night  they  were  pelted  by  bullets 
from  unseen  foes ;  stabbed  and  stung  by  innumer- 
able insects ;  death  for  all  stared  them  in  the  face ; 
myriads  of  buzzards  whirled  above  them,  anxious 
for  their  prey. 

While  Jackson  and  his  men,  prostrated  by  heat, 
fruitless  marching  and  discouragement,  were  pray- 
ing for  succor,  suddenly  the  air  seemed  to  be 
filled    with  human  forms,   which   to   their  dazed 


THE  FLORIDA    CRACKERS.  291 

minds  appeared   to  be  angels  sent  in  answer  to 
their  fervent  petitions.     Grotesque  looking  angels 
were  these,  swinging  from  limb  to  limb  of  the  for- 
est trees  ;  but  heavenly  in  their  beneficence  were 
the  solemn-faced  «  Crackers,"  as  hundreds  of  them 
dropped  to  the  ground   and    fed  the  exhausted 
warriors   with    "hog,   hominy,"   and   water   from 
packs    strapped  with   their  rifles    to   their  dirty, 
sturdy  shoulders  —  "  'nough  sight  better  work  for 
angels    to    do    than    loafin'    around    the    throne." 
While  the  feasting  was  in  full   swing,  suddenly 
the  haggard  and  careworn  face  of  "  Old  Hickory  " 
appeared  in  their  midst.     "  Boys,"  said  he,  in  his 
quick,  incisive  tones,  «  don't  eat  any  more,  'twill 
make  you  sick,  stow  it  away  in  your  haversacks." 
Then,  turning  to  the   Floridians,   he    quietly  re- 
marked, "  Gentlemen,  you  saved  our  lives  ;  many 
thanks  !      Now   we    will    do    as    much    for   you. 
Where  are    the   Injuns?"     All  the  tree-climbers 
arose  respectfully,  saluted,  and  a  tall,  cadaverous- 
looking,  long-haired,  coon-skin-capped   leader   ad- 
vanced, took  the  general  by  the  hand,  and  slowly 
drawled,  — 

"  Ginrul,  the  red  niggers  air  skulkin'  yender  to 
the  river,  waitin'  to  chaw  up  you  uns  tonight. 

"  Colonel  Tompkins,"  came  the  quick  command, 
"  climb  your  forces  to  the  river,  pour  a  volley  into 
the  red-skins  at  sundown,  yell  for  all  you're  worth, 
we'll  do  the  rest." 


292      THE   GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

"  All  right,  Ginrul,  we  uns  mil  be  thar,"  and 
away  went  the  "  flying  Crackers,"  facing  unspeak- 
able dangers  as  calmly  as  a  child  looks  into  the 
loving  eyes  of  its  mother. 

Sometimes  they  glided  noiselessly  as  the  autumn 
leaves  cleave  the  air  over  the  pine-needle  carpet 
of  the  forest,  and  when  this  was  impossible  on 
account  of  the  bogs  and  morasses,  which  would 
swallow  them  down  to  unknown  depths,  they 
swung  through  the  tops  of  the  sighing  pines  until 
they  had  flanked  their  unsuspecting  foes  ;  then, 
just  as  the  sun  was  setting,  they  struck  terror  to 
the  hearts  of  the  Seminoles  by  an  unexpected 
volley  from  their  rifles  and  by  frightful  yells, 

"As  if  all  the  fiends  from  heaven  that  fell, 
Had  pealed  the  banner-cry  of  hell." 

The  red-men  fled  in  panic  along  the  narrow  isth- 
mus between  the  swamps  and  river  straight  upon 
the  ambushed  army  of  Jackson,  who  mowed  them 
down  with  bullets  as  falls  the  grass  before  the 
scythes.  The  spirits  of  the  Indians  were  crushed, 
and  the  remnant  of  a  once  powerful  tribe  fled  into 
the  vast,  to  the  whites,  inaccessible  everglades, 
where  their  descendants  now  live  on  their  fertile 
oasis,  which  is  cultivated  by  their  negro  slaves, 
who  never  heard  of  Abraham  Lincoln,  or  his 
proclamation   of  emancipation.     "  Old    Hickory  " 


THE   FLORIDA    CRACKERS.  293 

and  his  gallant  soldiers  have  all  the  glory ;  but 
their  heroic  allies  returned  quietly  to  their  huts, 
their  "  hog  and  hominy,"  as  unconcernedly  as  if 
they  had  done  nothing  more  important  than  catch- 
ing a  trout  or  shooting  a  quail. 

The  stolidity  and  patience  of  the  "  Cracker  "  is 
equalled  only  by  that  of  "  their  cousins,  the  In- 
dians " ;  I  have  seen  one  of  them  sit  for  twelve 
hours  continuously  in  one  place  fishing  without 
being  encouraged  by  even  a  little  nibble ;  his  face 
was  as  placid  as  that  of  a  mummy  which  he  closely 
resembles ;  then  suddenly  he  would  pull  in  scores 
of  trout,  but  with  the  same  imperturbable  compos- 
ure as  before. 

Although  almost  invariably  poor  so  far  as  money 
is  concerned,  owing  to  their  love  of  ease,  these 
children  of  nature  are  proverbially  hospitable,  and 
you  are  welcome  as  his  guest  until  you  eat  his 
last  bit  of  food  unless  you  offer  him  compensation 
therefor;  if  you  do  that  his  wrath  knows  no 
bounds,  as  I  once  found  to  my  sorrow. 

I  had  been  wandering  with  three  other  horse- 
back riders  for  a  day  and  night  lost  in  the  woods  ; 
we  were  hungry  and  tired  to  the  verge  of  collapse, 
when  suddenly  up  went  the  heads  and  tails  of  our 
quadruped  friends,  who  neighed  with  delight,  and 
dashed  pell  mell  toward  a  huge  building  or  rather 
connected  aggregation  of  buildings  which  loomed 


294      THE   GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

up  on  a  hill  in  the  pines.  We  made  the  welkin 
ring  with  our  saluting  shouts,  but  there  was  no 
response,  the  settlement  was  deserted ;  we  stabled 
and  fed  our  horses  in  the  near-by  barn,  and  led  by 
a  Floridian  friend  entered  the  largest  house.  Had 
manna  fallen  to  us  from  heaven  our  surprise  could 
not  have  been  greater ;  a  huge  table  was  before  us 
covered  with  enormous  quantities  of  roasted  meats, 
—  venison,  quail,  wild  turkey,  hoe-cakes  and  fruits 
galore.  We  fell  upon  the  provisions  like  famished 
wolves,  and  when  at  last  our  "  aching  voids  "  were 
filled,  we  were  appalled  at  the  havoc  we  had 
wrought ;  still  no  hosts  appeared  to  welcome  or 
rebuke. 

On  the  wide  mantel  was  a  quantity  of  home- 
made cigars  from  which  those  of  us  who  were 
"  slaves  to  the  filthy  weed  "  made  selections,  and 
on  the  broad  piazza  were  illustrating  the  wise 
man's  definition  of  a  cigar,  "  a  roll  of  nausea  with 
fire  on  one  end  and  a  fool  on  the  other,"  when  the 
air  resounded  with  loud  reports  like  pistol-shots 
and  shouts  of  "  whoa,  whe,  gee,"  rebel  yells  and 
barking  of  dogs  ;  then  a  multitude  of  cattle  dashed 
into  view  urged  on  by  a  cavalcade  of  men,  women 
and  children.  The  drivers  gave  us  only  casual 
glances  until  the  round-up  was  completed  and  the 
enclosing  gates  shut,  when  the  rollicking  crowd 
came    trooping    toward  us,    and    our   guilty  con- 


THE  FLORIDA    CRACKERS.  295- 

sciences  made  us  fearful  of  dire  punishment  for 
our  peculations.  Then  a  tall,  long-haired  patriarch 
saluted  us  with  "  Howdy,  strangers,  howdy,"  shook 
hands  with  us  heartily,  and  with  a  wave  of  his 
hand,  "  my  wife  and  children,  gents,"  glanced  at 
the  impoverished  table,  when  he  shouted  "  glad 
you  had  good  appetites,  strangers,  mother,  guess 
you'll  have  to  tune  up  some  more  cooking." 

The  whole  crowd  gave  us  a  marching  salute, 
and  made  the  water  fly  in  a  big  tub  where  they 
performed  much-needed  ablutions,  and  soon  hoe- 
cakes  were  smoking,  pork  and  sausages  sizzling, 
doughnuts  swelling,  manipulated  by  the  many 
willing  hands :  then  the  whole  army  "  fell  to " 
the  abundant  feast.  It  was  wonderful  and  laugh- 
able to  see  that  crowd  of  sons,  daughters,  grand- 
sons, grand-daughters  —  fifty  in  number  —  all  one 
family,  "  stow  away  the  prog." 

Each  one  reminded  you  of  the  Irishman's  pig 
who  was  said  to  devour  a  half-bushel  of  boiled 
potatoes,  and  when  he  was  outside  of  all  that,  he, 
himself,  would  not  fill  a  two  quart  measure.  What 
a  clatter  of  dishes  as  the  buxom  girls  helped 
mother  "  clear  up " !  Then  we  had  fun  at  the 
milking ;  it  required  a  dozen  strong  men  to  hold 
one  kicking  cow  while  a  woman  squeezed  out  a 
little  milk  from  the  reluctant  udders,  though  she 
gave  down  freely  later  when    the    ravenous  calf 


296      THE    GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

took  hold.  If  the  men  relaxed  for  a  minute,  up 
goes  the  irate  cow's  heels,  away  goes  the  pail 
"  dowsing  "  the  maid  with  the  foaming  milk  from 
head  to  foot,  anon  the  mid-eyed  brute  would  down 
horns  and  charge,  the  milkeress  takes  to  her  heels, 
then  a  flight  of  lassoos,  over  goes  the  frantic  ani- 
mal onto  her  back,  the  ropes  tighten  until  she  was 
conquered  and  forced  to  "give  down  some  of  her 
juice."  One  dose  of  this  medicine  was  usually 
sufficient  for  any  wild  cow,  and  forever  after  she 
would  "  stand  and  deliver  in  peace." 

Shall  we  ever  forget  the  feeding  of  the  pigs  ? 
Oh,  the  wild  charge  they  made  when  they  saw 
the  feed  troughs  filled  !  "  Everyone  for  himself, 
and  the  devil  take  the  hindermost ;  "  one  huge 
razor-back  stretches  himself  at  full  length  on  the 
"  dough  "  in  his  generous  attempt  to  prevent  the 
rest  from  "making  hogs  of  themselves";  an 
indignant  young  Cracker  lassoos  the  hind  legs,  and 
by  a  dextrous  pull  sends  his  swine-ship  whirling 
and  rendino-  hisrh  heaven  with  his  lamentations. 

At  last  all  are  stuffed  as  full  as  our  "  grand- 
mother's sassingers,"  and  then  reclining  in  the 
sun,  they  express  by  their  contented  grunts  and 
snores,  ecstatic  rapture  as  they  pile  on  flesh  for 
the  stuffing  of  their  carniverous  owners.  Then 
we  watched  a  giant  Crackeress  feeding  what  she 
called  her  "  feathered  hogs."     With  frenzied  eyes, 


THE   FLORIDA    CRACKERS.  297 

whirring  wings  and  waring  beaks,  all  rushed  to 
cheat  the  others  and  to  secure  the  whole  earth, 
each  for  himself,  very  like  many  "  two-legged 
hogs  without  feathers  "  ;  a  hen  seizes  a  hoe-cake 
of  her  own  size  and  frantically  rushes  away  in 
the  vain  hope  of  devouring  it  in  peace  in  some 
sequestered  nook ;  but  argus,  envious  eyes  are 
watching,  and  her  uncles  and  her  aunts  pursue, 
striking  with  beaks  and  claws  to  rob  her  of  her 
big  all.  It  was  a  minature  Wall  Street  and  stock- 
exchange,  where  human  hogs  and  foul  birds  of 
prey  fight  to  the  death  to  plunder  their  own 
brothers. 

And  now  gently  the  night  stole  o'er  us  — 

"  Night,  so  holy  and  so  calm, 
That  the  moonbeams  hushed  the  spirit, 
Like  the  voice  of  prayer  or  psalm" 

and  until  the  "  wee  sma  hours,"  while  three  gen- 
erations listened  intently,  we  swapped  stories  with 
our  generous  "  Crackers." 

Our  patriarch  host  had  been  a  captain  in  the 
rebel  army  until  he  had  his  "  belly  full  of  fight," 
as  he  quaintly  termed  it.  His  wife  had  blest  him 
with  an  even  score  of  boys  and  girls,  all  now 
living  in  this  delightful  climate,  where  he  said, 
"  no  one  ever  died ;  they  simply  dried  up  and 
blowed    away   into    the    happy   hunting-grounds 


208      THE    GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

beyond  the  stars."  When  a  baby  was  born  or  a 
child  married,  this  chief  of  the  tribe  "  hitched  on 
another  house,  until  now  the  one-story  dwellings 
covered  an  acre  of  his  vast  lands. 

He  and  his  tribe  raised  on  his  great  farm  here 
in  Bradford  County  everything  he  needed  to  eat, 
drink,  or  to  wear :  his  wife  and  daughters  spun 
and  wove  their  clothing  from  the  cotton  grown 
and  ginned  on  his  own  fields  ;  the  delicious  syrup 
and  sugar  which  adorned  and  sweetened  the 
mountains  of  rye  pancakes  and  floods  of  home- 
raised  coffee,  was  made  from  the  cane  which  was 
grown  and  ground  on  his  own  soil.  He  grew  his 
own  tobacco,  tea,  peanuts,  oranges,  figs,  pine- 
apples, bananas ;  he  fattened  his  cattle  and  hogs 
on  his  own  cassava  and  the  abundant  wild  grasses  ; 
his  flocks  of  sheep  "  cut  their  own  fodder,"  and 
the  wool  and  mutton  was  all  clear  profit.  This 
"  Cracker "  family  was  the  happiest  and  most 
independent  I   ever    saw   on   earth. 

All  around  this  plantation  are  millions  of  un- 
cultivated acres  where  the  wretches  of  our  city 
slums  could  be  equally  happy  if  our  Carnegies 
and  Rockefellers  would  only  loan  the  funds  to 
colonize  them  there.  The  millions  of  dollars,  now 
worse  than  wasted  by  our  selfish  millionaires? 
could  thus  soon  make  this  earth  a  paradise  like  to 
that  above.     After  enjoying  this  free   delightful 


THE   FLORIDA    CRACKERS.  299 

life  for  several  days,  and  we  were  on  the  point  of 
departing,  I  said  to  our  host,  "  Captain,  we  have 
enjoyed  your  hospitality  immensely,  and  I  hope 
you  will  allow  me  to  reciprocate,"  holding  toward 
him  a  bank-note. 

Instantly  his  eyes  flashed  angry  fire,  he  shot 
out  his  fist  to  strike  me,  when  a  neighbor  said, 
"  Don't  hit  him  Cap,  he  don't  know  no  better, 
he's  a  Yank."  "Wall  Yank,"  drawled  this  six 
feet  of  fighting  man,  "  seein'  ye  don't  know  no 
better,  I'll  let  ye  off  this  time ;  but  I  don't  keep 
no  tarvern,  and  when  me  and  my  family  come 
yure  way,  we'll  all  stop  with  yew,  that'll  even  it 
up."  As  I  looked  at  the  fifty  yawning  caverns 
of  chewing  mouths,  and  reflected  upon  the  cost  of 
feeding  them  in  Boston  for  even  one  day,  I 
thanked  God  that  I  had  not  given  him  my  card, 
and  we  rode  away  amid  ear-splitting  cheers  and 
waving  of  hands,  each  one  of  which  resembled  in 
size  the  tail-board  of  a  coal-cart. 

On  another  occasion  while  scouring  the  Florida 
country  for  lands  for  colonizing  purposes  in  com- 
pany with  a  native,  the  night  caught  us  in  the 
dense  forest ;  our  horses  stumbled  over  immense 
fallen  trees,  the  owls  hooted,  the  wild  cats 
screamed,  the  thunder  roared,  occasionally  a  pine 
fell  splintered  by  the  lightning,  the  rain  fell  in 
torrents,  and  we  seemed  destined  to  shiver  all  the 


300      THE    GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

long  black  hours  supperless  and  comfortless,  when 
our  eyes  were  greeted  by  the  cheerful  light 
shining  through  the  open  door  of  a  log  hut ;  a 
dozen  curs  gave  tongue  and  went  for  our  legs  till 
a  sharp  yell  from  within  sent  them  yelping  away. 
A  genuine  Cracker  appeared,  and  seeing  our 
dripping  forms  in  the  electric  flash,  he  quietly  said, 
"  Lite  strangers,  lite,  jest  in  time,  plenty  of  hog 
and  hominy."  He  led  our  tired  steeds  into  the 
leanto,  fed  them,  and  ushered  us  into  his  one- 
room  shanty,  where  his  lank  wife  and  a  dozen 
children  silently  made  room  for  us  around  a  rough 
board  table.  "  Mother,"  said  the  master,  "  more 
hoe-cake,  more  bacon,"  and  the  obedient  woman 
"  slapped  "  a  lot  of  corn  dough  on  to  the  blade  of 
a  common  hoe  which  a  girl  held  over  the  "  fat- 
wood  "  fire  until  it  browned ;  another  tossed  some 
smoked  hog  into  an  suspicious  looking  skillet,  and 
soon,  in  spite  of  the  slovenly  cooking,  we  "  fell 
to  "  in  a  desperate  attempt  to  smother  the  gnaw- 
ing pangs  of  a  long-suffering  appetite.  Then  we 
told  all  the  stories  we  could  recall  or  invent  to 
satisfy  the  starving  intellects  of  these  lonesome 
denizens  of  the  wild  wood.  "  Come,  chilluns,  to 
bed,"  said  our  host,  and  they  were  all  stacked  one 
over  the  other  on  the  one  corn-shuck  couch  where 
a  chorus  of  snores  proved  they  were  in  the  land 
of  dreams. 


THE   FLORIDA    CRACKERS.  301  . 

Our  host  relapsed  into  silence  and  seemed  to 
be  pondering  some  profound  problem  in  his  mind  ; 
but  suddenly  blurted  out,  "  Strangers,  reckon  ye 
haint  gut  any  of  the  rale  critter,  have  ye  ?  no 
corn  juice  pison  nor  nuthin'  ?  reckon  I  was  born 
dry ! "  My  guide  in  reply  produced  a  long  flat 
bottle  of  about  his  own  size,  and  passed  it  with 
"  try  that  Kunnel."  There  was  a  sound  of  mighty 
gurgling  long  drawn  out,  but  finally  the  huge 
demijohn  was  reluctantly  withdrawn  from  his 
cavernlike  mouth  with  a  joyous  "  Ah,  that's  the 
rale  stuff,  have  some  mother?  The  woman  re- 
moved the  snuff  rag  from  her  gums  long  enough 
to  drain  the  dregs,  and  presto  !  they  beamed  upon 
us  like  twin  suns. 

"  Strangers,"  ejaculated  this  typical  Cracker, 
"  this  is  the  dog-gondest  place  ter  git  er  drink 
yer  ever  seed.  Aour  caounty  went  dry  last  'lec- 
tion, and  tother  day  er  went  to  the  spensary  ter 
git  sum  fire-water  er  thinkin  we  mought  be  sick 
er  sunthin,  ther  wouldn't  let  me  hev  it  'thout 
Doc's  'scripshun  —  went  to  Doc,  wouldn't  give  me 
'  scripshun  'thout  snake-bite  er  sunthin  —  went 
ter  only  snake  er  knowed  on  fer  a  bite,  und  the 
dog-goned  critter  sed  all  his  bites  wuz  spoke  for 
three  weeks  ahed.  Dunno  what  ud  er  dun  if  you 
uns  hedn't  cum  erlong.  Naouw,  strangers,  you 
take  aour  bed,  we  sleep  on  floo." 


302      THE    GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

Then  he  took  the  "  kids  "  one  by  one,  and  set 
them  up  with  their  backs  to  the  side  of  the 
shanty,  and  we,  not  daring  to  beard  the  lion  in 
his  den  by  declining,  obeyed.  The  next  morning 
we  found  ourselves  set  up  alongside  the  children 
on  the  floor,  while  the  old  man  and  his  wife 
were  snoring  on  the  bed.  Verily,  "  For  ways  that 
are  dark  and  tricks  that  are  vain,  the  heathen 
*  Cracker  '  is  peculiar." 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

LOOKING    FORWARD. 

"IX  J  HEN  I  was  writing  the  last  words  of  the 

*  *        preceding  chapter  of  this  book,  and  was 

about  to 

"  Heed  my  tired  pen's  entreaty, 
And  say,  oh,  friends,  valete," 

I  seemed  to  be  trying  to  awake  from  a  trance  in 
which  I  had  been  the  unwilling  instrument,  com- 
pelled by  an  intelligence  extraneous  to  myself  to 
expose  to  an  incredulous  public  the  most  sacred 
scenes  and  thoughts  of  a  lifetime. 

I  had  decided  to  relieve  the  patience  of  my 
readers  with  the  thirty-first  chapter ;  but  when  the 
retrospective  kaleidoscope  closed,  a  vision  rose 
before  me  so  vivid,  so  real,  that  I  am  constrained 
to  describe  it  in  the  hope  that  the  warning  may 
prevent  the  tragic  part  of  the  dream  from  becom- 
ing a  reality. 

It  is  Christmas  day  in  the  year  of  our  Lord, 
1910 ;  the  thunder-cloud,  which  for  many  years 
had  been  increasing  in  blackness,  now  surcharged 
with   pent-up  lightnings,   and   overspreading  our 

303 


304      THE    GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

entire  national  horizon,  bursts  with  the  fury  of  a 
cyclone. 

The  great  masses  of  the  people  had  for  a  long 
time  watched  with  ever-increasing  rage  the  seem- 
ing conspiracy  of  the  employing  and  professional 
classes  to  bind  to  their  chariot-wheels  those  who 
labored  with  their  hands.  Gigantic  trusts  had 
"  cornered  "  all  the  necessaries  of  life,  and  a  few 
lily-fingered  plutocrats  in  their  marble  palaces  dic- 
tated to  the  horny-handed  sons  of  toil  the  amount 
of  their  beggarly  wages,  and  the  prices  they 
must  pay  for  every  needed  article,  until  every 
job  of  work  and  every  bone  of  charity  was  fought 
for  by  multitudes  who  mercilessly  stabbed  each 
other  in  their  mad  fury  to  assuage  the  pangs  of 
hunger. 

When  the  people  rallied  at  the  polls,  and  elected 
to  the  high  offices  members  of  their  own  unions, 
the  millionaires  bribed  these  officials  to  obey  their 
every  command,  and  these  mercenary  law-makers, 
as  often  as  chosen,  joined  the  ever-growing  ranks 
of  the  oppressors. 

Even  the  almost  innumerable  colleges  through- 
out the  Republic,  whose  treasuries  had  absorbed 
countless  millions  of  dollars,  had  proved  a  meas- 
ureless curse,  as  they  had  become  mere  cramming 
machines  and  nurseries  of  lawlessness  and  bru- 
tality.    The  great  universities  had  long  idolized 


LOOKING  FORWARD.  305 

plug-ugly  football  kickers  and  baseball  sluggers 
to  the  utter  ignoring  of  scholarship,  until  the 
hordes  of  eleemosinary  prize-fighters  among  the 
so-called  students  created  a  reign  of  terror  where 
they  were  located,  and  far  surpassed  in  ferocity 
even  the  gladiators  of  ancient  Rome.  The  annual 
"  athletic  contest "  between  the  two  greatest  uni- 
versiti.es  was  fought  out  with  almost  inconceivable 
fury  on  "  Soldiers'  Field." 

Irresistible  bodies  met  the  immovable,  cheered 
on  by  yelling  legions,  each  phalanx  would  conquer 
or  die,  and  die  they  did  by  scores  ;  they  kicked 
and  slugged  like  maniacs  until  separated  by  the 
combined  police-forces  of  the  surrounding  cities, 
and  more  were  killed  and  wounded  than  in  the 
entire  Spanish  War.  When  night  fell,  thousands 
of  collegians  invaded  the  capitol  of  the  State,  and 
with  savage  yells  and  wedge-rushes  drove  all  citi- 
zens from  the  streets  ;  they  closed  every  theatre, 
pelting  the  actors  with  whiskey  bottles  stolen  from 
the  saloons  in  which  they  had  smashed  thousands 
of  dollars'  worth  of  costly  furniture  ;  they  stole 
every  sign  from  stores,  which  caught  their  fancy ; 
no  woman  was  respected,  until  their  orgies  were 
stopped  by  the  bayonets  of  the  national  guard. 

Such  "  scholars  "  as  these  had  for  many  years 
been  ground  through  these  educational  mills  by 
thousands,  crowding  the  ranks  of  the  professional 


306      THE   GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

classes  to  suffocation.  Legions  of  unscrupulous 
lawyers,  more  heartless  than  pirates  or  brigands 
in  Bulgaria,  infested  every  city  and  town,  busy  as 
demons  stirring  up  strife,  drilling  witnesses  to  per- 
jury, bull-dozing  the  innocent  even  unto  death 
with  the  full  connivance  of  the  plunder-sharing 
judges,  until  the  jails  were  crowded  with  victims 
who  could  not  pay  their  outrageous  fees. 

These  lawyer-sharks  packed  caucuses,  stuffed 
ballot-boxes,  and  thereby  elected  themselves  to 
legislatures  where  they  enacted  unjust  laws  to 
subserve  their  own  iniquitous  depredations. 

But  this  nefarious  pillaging  was  not  confined 
to  the  courts  alone :  armies  of  patientless  doctors 
must  be  fed  at  the  expense  of  the  long-suffering 
public,  and  as  all  the  people  were  not  naturally 
sick  all  the  time  for  the  benefit  of  the  quacks, 
these  so-called  doctors  prevailed  upon  their  legis- 
lative college-chums  to  pass  laws  compelling  all 
to  be  innoculated  with  virus,  ostensibly  to  render 
them  immune  to  various  contagions,  but  really 
to  furnish  unlimited  plunder  to  their  "  family 
physicians." 

Even  the  women  caught  the  craze  for  "  higher 
education  "  to  fit  themselves  for  "  kid-glove  "  pro- 
fessional emoluments  ;  they,  too,  tore  each  other's 
hair,  scratched  each  other's  faces  in  frantic  foot- 
ball rushes,  tumbling  over  each  other  in  the  wild 


LOOKING   FORWARD.  307. 

scrimmage  for  fees,  leaving  the  kitchens  to  the 
ignorant  foreigners,  who  ruined  digestions  with 
preposterous  cookery,  which  would  have  killed  a 
nation  of  ostriches. 

The  great  Republic  might  have  survived  even 
such  horrors  as  these  had  it  not  been  for  the 
out-breaking  of  another  craze  more  terrible  far 
than  an  army  with  gattling  guns,  I  refer  to  the 
most  destructive  of  all  scourges,  the  mania  for 
stock-gambling.  The  crafty,  unscrupulous  man- 
agers of  bucket-shops,  stock-exchanges,  and  bro- 
kerages rilled  the  columns  of  the  press  with 
manufactured  accounts  of  vast  fortunes  made  in 
an  hour  by  imaginary  investors  of  small  sums, 
and  at  once  multitudes  of  farmers,  mechanics,  and 
even  teachers  abandoned  their  honest  pursuits  to 
squander  their  hard  earnings  in  the  vain  attempts 
to  "  buck  the  tiger,"  and  "  beard  the  lion  in  his 
den." 

The  inevitable  result  followed :  the  lion  and 
the  lamb  lay  down  together,  with  the  lamb  inside 
the  lion,  thousands  of  formerly  well-to-do  people 
were  pauperized.  Thousands  of  farms  were  aban- 
doned, hundreds  of  factories  were  deserted,  while 
the  fiendish,  cheating  boss-gambler  sharks  were 
gorged  to  repletion  with  their  infamous  plunder ; 
then  followed  a  frenzy  of  hatred  on  the  part  of  the 
masses  against  the   classes :   city  treasuries  were 


308      THE   GENTLEMAN  FROil  EVERYWHERE. 

depleted  to  feed  the  starving  with  free  soup,  the 
cities  were  crowded  with  the  desperate,  hungry 
multitudes  who  had  lost  their  all,  and  bloody  riots 
capped  the  climax  of  a  hell  on  earth. 

From  the  cupola  of  the  State  House  in  Boston,  a 
little  group  of  citizens  gazed  upon  a  scene  which 
would  daunt  the  stoutest  heart ;  these  five  men 
standing  motionless  and  speechless  under  the 
gilded  dome  are  of  widely  differing  stations  in 
life,  as  far  apart  as  the  poles  in  culture,  education, 
and  creed,  but  their  faces  wore  the  same  expres- 
sions of  profound  sadness  mingled  with  stern 
determination. 

The  tall  man  on  the  right  is  the  Governor  of 
the  State  of  Massachusetts,  a  millionaire,  a  classic 
face  showing  his  aristocratic  lineage  in  every 
feature,  a  scholarly,  furrowed  brow,  dressed  with 
scrupulous  care,  and  looking  at  the  frightful 
scenes  with  the  dauntless  eye  of  an  eagle.  He 
is  the  chosen  leader  of  the  Republican  party 
winch  for  many  years  has  controlled  the  destinies 
of  the  "  Old  Bay  State."  Next  stands  a  man  in 
every  way  in  strong  contrast  to  his  refined  com- 
panion, a  short,  stout,  ruddy-faced  son  of  Ireland, 
but  now  Mayor  of  the  city  of  Boston,  a  Democrat 
of  Democrats,  carelessly  dressed,  a  political  boss, 
who  under  ordinary  circumstances  would  never 
have  affiliated  with  his  lordly  neighbor. 


LOOKING   FOB  WARD.  309 

Next  in  the  line  is  a  smooth-faced  portly  man, 
clad  in  fine  broadcloth,  unmistakably  a  Catholic 
Priest;  next  is  a  man  of  soldierly  bearing  whose 
uniform  and  shoulder-straps  proclaim  him  to  be 
the  commander  of  the  national  guard  of  the 
State ;  close  beside  the  guardsman  is  the  stalwart 
superintendent  of  the  city  police.  For  a  few 
minutes  only,  these  men  were  spell-bound  by  the 
terrible  scenes  before  them.  A  mob  of  ragged 
wild-eyed  men  and  women  are  straggling  along 
the  street,  some  wearing  the  red  caps  of  Anarchy, 
firing  revolvers  at  the  windows  of  the  houses  and 
at  every  well-dressed  person  in  sight,  some  waved 
strange  banners  labelled  "  Bread  or  blood,"  "  Down 
with  the  rich,"  "  Shoot  the  soldiers  " ;  many  blood- 
red  flags  are  waved  with  demoniacal  yells. 

Directly  in  front  of  this  howling  mob  is  massed 
the  First  Corps  of  Cadets,  and  the  9th  Regiment  of 
Irish  militia ;  soldiers  are  seen  falling  in  the  ranks, 
and  blood  crimsoned  the  snow,  alarm  bells  are  clang- 
ing, flames  are  bursting  from  the  elegant  buildings, 
tremendous  explosions  are  heard  which  seemed  to 
shake  the  foundations  of  the  city.  Ferocious  men 
and  women  are  seen  looting  the  stores,  drinking 
plundered  liquors ;  the  off-scouring  of  all  nations 
are  pillaging,  burning,  murdering ;  the  spirit  of 
hell  seems  in  full  control  on  this  natal  day  of  the 
Prince  of  Peace.  Still  the  national  guard  did  not 
fire. 


310      THE   GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

« Father,"  cried  the  Governor,  "  will  the  9th 
Regiment  kill  their  own  brothers  if  ordered  to 
shoot?" 

"  My  children  will  obey  orders,  sir,"  quietly  re- 
plied the  priest. 

"  Then  in  heaven's  name,  General,  Marconi  the 
order ;  if  we  wait  longer  everything  is  ruined." 

The  Mayor's  eyes  flashed  fire ;  he  seemed  about 
to  countermand  —  the  priest  lifted  his  hand, 
"  Brother,  we  must,"  he  said  —  the  Mayor  hesi- 
tated ;  he  saw  many  of  his  own  constituents 
among  the  rioters ;  his  face  was  like  that  of  a 
corpse,  then,  "  Order,"  he  gasped. 

The  General  touched  the  keys  before  him,  the 
Colonel  of  the  9th  flinched  as  if  struck  by  a  bullet, 
then  a  quick  command,  the  clear  notes  of  the 
bugle  sounded,  the  Irish  soldiers  hesitated,  glanced 
at  the  cupola ;  the  priest  with  outstretched  arms 
confirmed  the  mandate ;  the  repeating  rifles  were 
levelled,  and  crash  upon  crash  went  the  volleys  of 
bullets  into  the  bosoms  of  the  mob.  Again  pealed 
the  bugle  note,  and  quick  as  a  flash  forward 
rushed  the  dandy  Cadets  and  the  Irish  soldiers, 
shoulder  to  shoulder  in  a  wild  bayonet  charge. 

Screams,  groans  and  curses  rend  the  air,  scores 
of  the  rioters  are  weltering  in  their  gore,  the  rest 
broke,  fled,  leaving  the  streets  strewn  with  the 
dead  and  wounded. 


LOOKING   FORWARD.  311 

"  Marconi  the  hospitals,"  said  the  Governor ; 
and  in  a  trice  the  ambulances  are  bearing  away  the 
sufferers  to  be  tenderly  cared  for,  as  if  they  were 
the  best,  instead  of  the  worst  of  the  human  race. 

"  Brothers,"  said  the  Governor,  "  shall  we  order 
the  troops  and  police  in  every  city  to  fire?  It 
will  be  merciful  to  end  this  horrible  suspense." 
"  Amen,"  came  the  response  from  the  bowed 
heads  of  his  companions ;  instantly  the  command 
was  Marconied  to  every  place  which  was  in  a 
state  of    anarchy. 

Suddenly  came  the  crash  of  musketry  from  many 
parts  of  the  city,  accompanied  by  the  grumbling 
bass  of  the  gattling  guns,  then  the  defiant  yells 
ceased,  and  all  was  quiet. 

"  Your  Excellency,"  calmly  spoke  the  General, 
"  here  are  Marconis  from  every  city  that  the  fight 
is  over,  the  mobs  have  dispersed. 

"  Thank  God,"  came  the  chorus  from  each  in 
this  remarkable  quintette  who  had  co-operated  in 
the  carefully-considered  plans  which  had  so  quickly 
brought  peace  to  the  distracted  city  and  State. 

"  Brothers,"  said  the  Governor,  "  we  must  feed 
the  hungry,  and  give  work  to  the  people  of  our 
overcrowded  cities :  there  is  but  one  way  to 
accomplish  this,  we  must  colonize  the  unemployed 
upon  the  Southern  and  Western  lands,  the  people 
must  go  back  to  the  bosom  of  mother  earth  where 


312      THE   GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

they  can  have  independent  homes  of  their  own  ; 
there  are  no  public  funds  for  this  purpose,  and 
the  rich  must  furnish  the  necessary  money  for 
transportation,  or  the  Republic  is  dead.  I  will 
personally  guarantee  the  funds  necessary  to  fur- 
nish homes  for  all  who  will  go  from  Massachusetts 
to  cultivate  the  unimproved  lands  in  Florida  and 
Colorado,  which,  with  others,  I  purchased  years 
ago  to  provide  for  this  crisis  which  many  proph- 
esied was  sure  to  come.  I  will  at  once  tele- 
graph to  secure  the  co-operation  of  the  Governors 
of  all  the  States  in  our  Union ;  the  evening  papers 
will  announce  our  plans  to  the  world." 

In  a  few  minutes  the  lightnings  were  flashing 
full  accounts  of  this,  the  most  important  meeting 
ever  held,  throughout  the  length  and  breadth  of 
the  nation ;  the  responses  were  the  most  enthusi- 
astic and  thrilling  ever  known  in  the  history  of 
mankind.  Money  in  vast  sums  was  wired  by  the 
rich  to  every  Governor,  for  the  purpose  of  trans- 
forming the  poverty-stricken  of  the  slums  into 
self-supporting  self-respecting  farmers ;  railroad 
presidents  tendered  free  transportation ;  one  touch 
of  nature  made  the  whole  world  kin. 

In  an  uncompleted  tunnel  under  the  harbor  of 
Boston  was  gathered  a  vast  crowd  of  wild-eyed 
Anarchists,  and  desperate  hungry  wretches  from 
the  vilest  dens,  who  had  just  sworn  with  unspeak- 


LOOKING   FORWARD.  313 

able  oaths  to  burn  and  plunder  the  city  that  very 
night,  to  murder  all  the  rich,  to  commit  outrages 
no  fiend  had  ever  dared  to  dream  before.  When 
they  were  about  to  rush  out  and  let  loose  the 
dogs  of  carnage  and  unspeakable  horrors,  suddenly 
in  the  glare  of  their  torches  appeared  the  priest 
who  an  hour  before,  had  played  such  an  important 
part  in  the  State  House  cupola  conference.  A 
hush  fell  upon  the  rabble  as  they  recognized  their 
spiritual  adviser ;  with  a  voice  of  almost  super- 
human power,  he  shouted, 

"  Brothers,  there  is  no  excuse  for  murder,  no 
cause  for  lawlessness,  money  is  flowing  in  like 
water  to  furnish  homes  for  us  all  away  from  these 
stifling  factories  out  in  God's  pure  air  of  the 
prairies  and  fields  of  the  great  West  and  the 
sunny  South.  For  the  sake  of  your  wives  and 
children  do  no  violence  ;  assemble  all  tomorrow 
morning  in  the  amphitheatre,  where  you  will  find 
food  in  abundance,  until  we  are  located  upon  our 
own  portion  of  God's  green  earth." 

The  effect  of  these  sympathetic  words  was  won- 
derful ;  malice  and  frenzy  were  driven  from  the 
minds  of  these  children  of  the  slums,  even  as  the 
devils  were  exorcised  from  the  Magdalen  of  old, 
and  inspired  with  new  hopes  and  holier  aspirations 
they  vanished  into  the  shades  of  evening. 

All  night  long  the  Salvation  Army,  the  Volun- 


314      THE   GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

teers  of  America,  hundreds  of  every  nationality 
and  creed,  labored  strenuously  in  making  prepara- 
tions to  feed  the  hungry,  clothe  the  shivering,  and 
care  for  the  sick.  When  the  morning  dawned  fair 
and  balmy  beyond  all  precedent  for  this  season  of 
the  year,  the  scene  in  the  vast  amphitheatre  baffled 
description,  over  which  the  heavenly  host  rejoiced 
as  never  before.  The  united  bands  of  the  city 
discoursed  sweet  music  from  the  balcony,  from 
steaming  cauldrons  the  multitudes  were  fed  to 
repletion  with  nourishing  delicious  food ;  the  sick, 
the  weak,  the  women  and  children  were  abun- 
dantly supplied  in  their  homes,  all  seemed  like 
one  great  family,  the  rich  and  the  poor  clasped 
hands  like  brothers,  and  the  spirit  of  peace  on 
earth  good  will  toward  men  reigned  supreme. 
When  all  had  been  refreshed,  while  the  bands 
played  "  Hail  to  the  Chief,"  the  Governor,  with  a 
great  number  of  the  most  prominent  in  church, 
state,  and  philanthropy,  filed  in  upon  the  rostrum, 
welcomed  by  enthusiastic  cheers.  As  the  applause 
died  away  His  Excellency  said, 

"  In  the  city  hives  are  clustered  far  too  many 
human  bees,  we  must  swarm  out  into  the  country 
where  there  is  honey  enough  and  to  spare, 

"  '  Go  back  to  your  mother,  ye  children,  for  shame, 

Who  have  wandered  like  truants,  for  riches  and  fame  ! 
With  a  smile  on  her  face,  and  a  sprig  in  her  cap, 
She  calls  you  to  feast  from  her  bountiful  lap. 


LOOKING   FORWARD.  315 

Come  out  from  your  alleys,  your  courts,  and  your  lanes, 
And  breathe,  like  your  eagles,  the  air  of  our  plains  ; 
Take  a  whiff  from  our  fields,  and  your  excellent  wives 
Will  declare  it  all  nonsense  insuring  your  lives.' 

You,  who  are  strong,  and  who  delight  in  buffet- 
ting  the  cold  and  snows,  should  go  to  the  deserted 
New  England  farms  or  to  the  broad  prairies  of  the 
West,  the  graneries  of  the  world ;  but  you  who 
shrivel  in  the  wintry  blasts,  and  who  are  subject 
to  rheumatism  and  coughs,  should  go  to  the  sunny 
southlands  where  you  can  work  and  rejoice  in  a 
climate  of  perpetual  summer. 

"  We  have  funds  in  abundance  to  secure  lands 
for  all,  build  houses,  furnish  essentials  for  tilling 
the  soil,  and  provisions,  until  crops  can  be  raised; 
this  money  you  can  repay  in  easy  installments  to 
be  used  to  equip  future  applicants.  All  wishing 
to  secure  these  homes  without  money  and  without 
price  can  apply  at  the  State  House  to-morrow." 

A  glad  shout  which  reached  the  stars  and  glad- 
dened the  angelic  hosts  was  the  immediate  re- 
sponse to  these  tidings,  and  poverty  was  banished 
forever  from  the  Great  Republic. 

The  scene  changes  — from  stygian  darkness, 
desolation  and  gloom  of  dingy,  malodorous  facto- 
ries and  streets,  where  ragged,  hopeless  beggars- 
for-work  delve  and  curse,  to  the  glorious  sunlight 
and  balmy  air  of  the  "  Land  of  Flowers."    Here  we 


316      THE   GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

see  pretty  vine-clad  cottages  embowered  in  orange 
groves,  and  surrounded  by  luxuriant  harvests  of 
everything  to  make  life  worth  the  living.  Here 
we  see  the  murderous  villains  of  the  Boston 
Christmas-day  mobs,  no  longer  blood-thirsty,  but 
smiling  and  happy  as  they  listen  to  the  songs  of 
birds,  the  bleating  of  their  own  flocks,  the  laughter 
of  their  delighted  children,  while  the  prosperous 
fathers  "  tickle  the  bosom  of  their  own  mother 
earth  with  the  hoe  to  make  it  laugh  with  abun- 
dant crops  for  man  and  beast."  The  grateful 
citizens  have  named  their  towns  in  honor  of  their 
generous  benefactors,  thus  establishing  for  Car- 
neiges,  Morgans  and  Rockefellers  monuments  to 
their  memories  which  will  endure  forever. 

Thus  was  removed  for  all  time  the  antagonism 
between  labor  and  capital;  thus  were  envy  and 
class  hatreds  banished  from  society,  and  thus  was 
our  glorious  Republic  secured  upon  firm  founda- 
tions, which  will  endure  "  until  the  final  day 
breaks  and  all  earthly  shadows  flee  away. 

Thus  at  last  the  prophetic  vision  of  the  poet 
seemed  to  be  realized  in  "  the  land  of  the  free  and 
the  home  of  the  brave." 

"One  dream  through  all  the  ages 
Has  led  the  world  along  : 
The  wise  words  of  the  sages, 
The  poet  in  his  song, 


LOOKING   FORWARD.  317 

The  prophet  in  his  vision,  — 
All  these  have  caught  the  gleam, 
Have  caught  the  light  elysian, 
Have  told  the  haunting  dream. 

This  dream  is  that  the  story 
The  ages  have  unrolled 
Shall  blossom  in  the  glory 
Of  one  long  age  of  gold  ; 
That  every  man  and  woman 
Shall  find  life  glad  and  free, 
That  in  whate'er  is  human 
Is  hid  Divinity. 

The  rod  of  old  oppression 
One  day  shall  broken  be  ; 
Those  held  in  night's  possession 
The  light  of  hope  shall  see  ; 
For  tears  there  shall  be  laughing, 
And  peace  shall  be  for  strife, 
And  thirsty  lips  be  quaffing 
The  wine  of  glorious  life. 

The  rage  and  noise  of  battle 
Shall  sink,  and  fall  to  peace , 
The  lowing  of  the  cattle, 
The  fruit  and  corn  increase  ; 
No  more  the  wide  sky  under 
The  rattle  of  the  drum, 
No  more  the  cannon's  thunder,  — 
God's  kingdom  shall  have  come. 

Some  day,  dearest,  where  skies  are  bright, 

We'll  dwell  in  the  beauty  of  love  and  light ; 

And  sorrow  will  seem 

Like  a  far-off  dream, 

And  life  shall  be  morning,  that  knows  no  night ! 


318      THE    GENTLEMAN  FROM  EVERYWHERE. 

Some  day,  dearest  —  that  perfect  day 

For  which  we  knelt  in  the  dark  to  pray 

We'll  reap  the  rest 

That  God  deems  best  — 

In  the  beautiful  vales  of  the  far-away  !  " 


Date  Due 

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